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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To break up over this? BIL hasn’t left after 5 years!!

343 replies

Elise89 · 14/12/2024 16:54

I’ve told DP that I am moving out and he thinks I am being unreasonable and is trying to change my mind. I won’t, but thought I’d ask for other peoples opinions.

I moved in with DP in summer 2019 after a year and half dating. Near Christmas 2019, he asked if his brother could come and stay with us for the holidays for a few weeks (brother lives abroad). I was really excited to meet him and was more than happy for him to spend the holidays with us.

The issue is, he never left! Obviously due to Covid he couldn’t get a flight for quite a while so I was sympathetic to begin with, but it’s coming up to 5 years now and it’s driving me crazy! I basically feel used by both of them, and I’ve tried speaking to my partner so many times, but nothing changes. He doesn’t contribute financially or help round the house. He’s literally sat on my sofa watching TV for 5 years! He did get a part time job after a year or so, and I’ve asked him to give me some money for food shopping and bills, but nothing. He’s able to afford pretty much whatever he wants while I can’t afford new glasses, new clothes etc as all my wages go on bills, travel to work, and food (partner pays the rent as he earns more and our area is expensive to rent).

I’ve had enough and have borrowed money from my parents to put down a deposit on my own little flat, so I’m moving out next week. However I’m getting constantly guilt tripped by DP saying that things will change, he loves me blah blah. Anyway, my mind is made up and I’m fed up of being taken the piss out of!

OP posts:
JHound · 22/12/2024 13:02

I am surprised even one person thinks you are unreasonable! Good for you - the brother is a freeloader and the husband enables him. I get an extended stay due to Covid but 5 years? I moved country in that time!

JHound · 22/12/2024 13:03

Elise89 · 14/12/2024 17:04

I forgot to add, these ‘men’ are early-mid 40’s, I’m late 20’s. He was supposed to go to their other brothers after staying at ours for Christmas. I kept asking when his flight was but my partner never told me, then Covid hit and he couldn’t get a flight at all, whether to his other brothers or home. Although I was expecting him to leave as soon as lockdown etc was lifted and flights were operating again. But no!

Oh honey that makes it worth. The whole point of dating an older man is for him to have his ish together!

EmpressaurusKitty · 22/12/2024 13:32

JHound · 22/12/2024 13:02

I am surprised even one person thinks you are unreasonable! Good for you - the brother is a freeloader and the husband enables him. I get an extended stay due to Covid but 5 years? I moved country in that time!

Maybe they think the OP’s unreasonable for having stood it that long?

Fronkens · 22/12/2024 13:33

Why do you even ask on here? This is literally bat shit crazy from these men. I can't believe someone would support this type of behaviour for two weeks let alone 5 years. I feel uncomfortable staying at some else place for two days, let alone for holidays. And then 5 years? Run. Don't look back. This is coming from a guy.

Fronkens · 22/12/2024 13:36

Find a "normal " guy and have a family in your own, not two toddlers in their 40s.

PokerFriedDips · 22/12/2024 13:40

Brilliant news that you are out of there. Have a lovely Christmas. I hope your ex and his brother come to a more sensible arrangement now they can't rely on you to take up the slack - but if they don't it's not your problem. Sounds like you've been used as a live-in housekeeper for 5 years. The only unreasonable thing you have done was to tolerate this for so long.

Mumlifebalance · 22/12/2024 14:00

Elise89 · 14/12/2024 16:54

I’ve told DP that I am moving out and he thinks I am being unreasonable and is trying to change my mind. I won’t, but thought I’d ask for other peoples opinions.

I moved in with DP in summer 2019 after a year and half dating. Near Christmas 2019, he asked if his brother could come and stay with us for the holidays for a few weeks (brother lives abroad). I was really excited to meet him and was more than happy for him to spend the holidays with us.

The issue is, he never left! Obviously due to Covid he couldn’t get a flight for quite a while so I was sympathetic to begin with, but it’s coming up to 5 years now and it’s driving me crazy! I basically feel used by both of them, and I’ve tried speaking to my partner so many times, but nothing changes. He doesn’t contribute financially or help round the house. He’s literally sat on my sofa watching TV for 5 years! He did get a part time job after a year or so, and I’ve asked him to give me some money for food shopping and bills, but nothing. He’s able to afford pretty much whatever he wants while I can’t afford new glasses, new clothes etc as all my wages go on bills, travel to work, and food (partner pays the rent as he earns more and our area is expensive to rent).

I’ve had enough and have borrowed money from my parents to put down a deposit on my own little flat, so I’m moving out next week. However I’m getting constantly guilt tripped by DP saying that things will change, he loves me blah blah. Anyway, my mind is made up and I’m fed up of being taken the piss out of!

Don't tell DP until the last possible minute. You don't want him to talk you out of it.

Skybluepinky · 22/12/2024 14:13

U have more than served yr time.

Charity322 · 22/12/2024 14:33

I vote to get a cat! Okay, you'll still have someone whose every whim you have to serve, but you'll get more snuggles. XD

jannier · 22/12/2024 14:37

Elise89 · 14/12/2024 17:36

He lived in their home country which is in Europe. Now I reckon he never intended on going back. I think it’s hard to find work in their home country and there’s no financial support for the unemployed like there is here, so I’m guessing he couldn’t support himself at home anyway and just brought his clothes here for his “visit” with no intention of going back. Over the summer we did actually go on holiday to their home country so he could’ve stayed! It’s one of the things that made me want to break up to be honest. My ex complained that I didn’t thank his brother for paying for a few meals out on holiday, and I just thought he hasn’t thanked me for cooking his tea and washing his pants for 5 years haha

Edited

I'm surprised you didn't say it. They are a pair of users enjoy your new life

jannier · 22/12/2024 14:44

Elise89 · 14/12/2024 19:10

It certainly is and I will be! Although I may just tip it and get a new one, it’s sagging in his area 😂

I'd have cut all the springs and left it for them to sit on then dump. Hopefully with one up his arse.

YourRealAquaOP · 22/12/2024 16:03

Good for you just go let them live together your other half will soon get fed up with paying all the bills,don't be guilt tripped by him he's just feeling sorry for himself,if you stay it will remain the same.Five years I can't believe you've waited so long he obviously thinks more of him than you Good Luck.

Redyrun · 23/12/2024 09:48

Elise89 · 14/12/2024 16:54

I’ve told DP that I am moving out and he thinks I am being unreasonable and is trying to change my mind. I won’t, but thought I’d ask for other peoples opinions.

I moved in with DP in summer 2019 after a year and half dating. Near Christmas 2019, he asked if his brother could come and stay with us for the holidays for a few weeks (brother lives abroad). I was really excited to meet him and was more than happy for him to spend the holidays with us.

The issue is, he never left! Obviously due to Covid he couldn’t get a flight for quite a while so I was sympathetic to begin with, but it’s coming up to 5 years now and it’s driving me crazy! I basically feel used by both of them, and I’ve tried speaking to my partner so many times, but nothing changes. He doesn’t contribute financially or help round the house. He’s literally sat on my sofa watching TV for 5 years! He did get a part time job after a year or so, and I’ve asked him to give me some money for food shopping and bills, but nothing. He’s able to afford pretty much whatever he wants while I can’t afford new glasses, new clothes etc as all my wages go on bills, travel to work, and food (partner pays the rent as he earns more and our area is expensive to rent).

I’ve had enough and have borrowed money from my parents to put down a deposit on my own little flat, so I’m moving out next week. However I’m getting constantly guilt tripped by DP saying that things will change, he loves me blah blah. Anyway, my mind is made up and I’m fed up of being taken the piss out of!

DP , BIL , ABQ , VSW , MPO , STC
WTF ??

Gloriia · 23/12/2024 11:10

Redyrun · 23/12/2024 09:48

DP , BIL , ABQ , VSW , MPO , STC
WTF ??

Dp - partner. Bil - brother in law.

Where have you seen ABQ, VSW, MPO and STC?

Washingupdone · 23/12/2024 14:55

ABQ, Always Be Questioning
STC Subject To Contract
MPO Metropolitan Planning Organization

why don’t you look them up on google like I am found at the hairdresser?

Lampzade · 23/12/2024 14:58

Well done Op

Tanjamaltija · 24/12/2024 13:26

Of course you are being unreasonable - who will do for him now that you are out of there? Not his lazy brother, that's for sure...

AngelontopoftheTree · 24/12/2024 13:56

Redyrun · 23/12/2024 09:48

DP , BIL , ABQ , VSW , MPO , STC
WTF ??

Just to add for you... TV is television Xmas Wink

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