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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To break up over this? BIL hasn’t left after 5 years!!

343 replies

Elise89 · 14/12/2024 16:54

I’ve told DP that I am moving out and he thinks I am being unreasonable and is trying to change my mind. I won’t, but thought I’d ask for other peoples opinions.

I moved in with DP in summer 2019 after a year and half dating. Near Christmas 2019, he asked if his brother could come and stay with us for the holidays for a few weeks (brother lives abroad). I was really excited to meet him and was more than happy for him to spend the holidays with us.

The issue is, he never left! Obviously due to Covid he couldn’t get a flight for quite a while so I was sympathetic to begin with, but it’s coming up to 5 years now and it’s driving me crazy! I basically feel used by both of them, and I’ve tried speaking to my partner so many times, but nothing changes. He doesn’t contribute financially or help round the house. He’s literally sat on my sofa watching TV for 5 years! He did get a part time job after a year or so, and I’ve asked him to give me some money for food shopping and bills, but nothing. He’s able to afford pretty much whatever he wants while I can’t afford new glasses, new clothes etc as all my wages go on bills, travel to work, and food (partner pays the rent as he earns more and our area is expensive to rent).

I’ve had enough and have borrowed money from my parents to put down a deposit on my own little flat, so I’m moving out next week. However I’m getting constantly guilt tripped by DP saying that things will change, he loves me blah blah. Anyway, my mind is made up and I’m fed up of being taken the piss out of!

OP posts:
FofB · 14/12/2024 17:28

Good for you. Have a fabulous Christmas in your own home. Get all of your postal re-directions sent up asap. Don't tell him where your new place is. Be free of the weight around your neck.

wizzler · 14/12/2024 17:30

Enjoy your new home

Elise89 · 14/12/2024 17:30

Kitkatcatflap · 14/12/2024 17:00

You are doing the right thing. What's the brother's background - how come he didn't go back home? Can he go and stay with the parents?

Honestly I still know very little about him. I don’t think I’ve ever had a proper conversation with him and he says very little. All my ex has said is that he put money into setting up a business in his home country and got shafted, so I reckon he never intended on going home. Their parents are elderly so I don’t think they’d have him.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 14/12/2024 17:31

"all my wages go on bills, travel to work, and food (partner pays the rent as he earns more and our area is expensive to rent)."
And that's the reason he's trying to guilt-trip you into staying - financial.

You are doing the right thing by moving out and moving on - your partner is no better than his brother, they are both users.

Happy housewarming next week!🎉💖

Jimjamssy · 14/12/2024 17:32

5 years you have absolutely wasted.
Don't doubt yourself now.

Crazybaby123 · 14/12/2024 17:33

Omg get out of there. Enjoy your life away from these draining men. You will see how committed your DP is when you leave he will either make all the changes you asked for to win you back or carry on the same. At least you will know for sure. If you don't leave you will never know as things will never change.

mistification · 14/12/2024 17:34

Good for you, your only mistake was not doing this 3 years ago! Enjoy your new flat 😁

Left · 14/12/2024 17:35

Congrats on your new home OP!! Actions speak louder than words - and your partner hasn’t acted on this situation in five years.

LifeExperience · 14/12/2024 17:36

The only unreasonable thing you've done is put up with this for so long.

Elise89 · 14/12/2024 17:36

IAm16StoneHalloween2024 · 14/12/2024 17:04

Where did BIL come from? Didn’t he have a job or flat or possessions over there? What happened to them? I’m so intrigued, was it his secret intention to stay with you and COVID was just a coincidence?

He lived in their home country which is in Europe. Now I reckon he never intended on going back. I think it’s hard to find work in their home country and there’s no financial support for the unemployed like there is here, so I’m guessing he couldn’t support himself at home anyway and just brought his clothes here for his “visit” with no intention of going back. Over the summer we did actually go on holiday to their home country so he could’ve stayed! It’s one of the things that made me want to break up to be honest. My ex complained that I didn’t thank his brother for paying for a few meals out on holiday, and I just thought he hasn’t thanked me for cooking his tea and washing his pants for 5 years haha

OP posts:
xyz111 · 14/12/2024 17:37

Well done Op, proud of you for following through what you've said you'll do! You deserve better

LovelyDaaling · 14/12/2024 17:37

You have been used by the pair of them.

MissBPotter · 14/12/2024 17:38

I hope you will raise your standards next time you’re in a relationship as you’ve spent 5 years bankrolling your bf and a random man to you (bf’s brother). I bet your rent didn’t go up as much as food has done in five years. And not only that but you’ve provided free labour to these two men by doing housework for zero pay and have nothing to show for it!

i hope you enjoy your new home and I am glad to see you’re getting out of this situation.

LizzieBennetsSister · 14/12/2024 17:40

Elise89 · 14/12/2024 17:36

He lived in their home country which is in Europe. Now I reckon he never intended on going back. I think it’s hard to find work in their home country and there’s no financial support for the unemployed like there is here, so I’m guessing he couldn’t support himself at home anyway and just brought his clothes here for his “visit” with no intention of going back. Over the summer we did actually go on holiday to their home country so he could’ve stayed! It’s one of the things that made me want to break up to be honest. My ex complained that I didn’t thank his brother for paying for a few meals out on holiday, and I just thought he hasn’t thanked me for cooking his tea and washing his pants for 5 years haha

Edited

You washed his pants !!!!! Why? Please raise your bar - a lot lot higher.

If you ever have DC please model something better than this to them.

Elise89 · 14/12/2024 17:41

MrsTigerface · 14/12/2024 17:22

Good for you! Congratulations on your new home. What do you think your soon to be ex partner will do now? With the financial burden of his brother now just falling on his shoulders, do you think he’ll continue with the current arrangement, or ask him to contribute more, or even leave?

happy new home, anyway x

Thank you!
I imagine they will move once the tenancy expires. My ex moved to this area as it’s where I’m from and my family are here. He often moans that he doesn’t even like it round here. Perhaps his brother will come with him too lol

OP posts:
Compash · 14/12/2024 17:42

This has been a long and expensive lesson for you, but you can use it wisely now and NEVER let yourself be walked over like that again!

Well done for taking strong action! Now you go out there and you live a great life, full of self-respect!

Thursdaygirl · 14/12/2024 17:43

Well done OP!

Elise89 · 14/12/2024 17:44

MissBPotter · 14/12/2024 17:38

I hope you will raise your standards next time you’re in a relationship as you’ve spent 5 years bankrolling your bf and a random man to you (bf’s brother). I bet your rent didn’t go up as much as food has done in five years. And not only that but you’ve provided free labour to these two men by doing housework for zero pay and have nothing to show for it!

i hope you enjoy your new home and I am glad to see you’re getting out of this situation.

Thank you, you’re right. I feel like such an idiot but better late than never I guess. We actually moved house during these 5 years and I was expecting the brother to leave at that point, but he didn’t! The new rent is only £100 more than the previous, so yes, my expenses have gone up far more than his.

OP posts:
PashaMinaMio · 14/12/2024 17:45

You might find, if you’re still interested in your “partner” that you’re moving out wil be a catalyst for change? (Maybe the parasite will finally get a life and move on?)
If not it tells you a lot about how little your chap thinks of you and how he’s not bothered you’re gone.

Maybe the two brothers will end up being bachelor boys at home, together, for the rest of their natural!

Meanwhile, keep your drawbridge up! Don’t let your “partner” in through your new front door because you might end up with him living with you again but this time in your new space!

Good luck in your new home. Exciting times.

Elise89 · 14/12/2024 17:48

PashaMinaMio · 14/12/2024 17:45

You might find, if you’re still interested in your “partner” that you’re moving out wil be a catalyst for change? (Maybe the parasite will finally get a life and move on?)
If not it tells you a lot about how little your chap thinks of you and how he’s not bothered you’re gone.

Maybe the two brothers will end up being bachelor boys at home, together, for the rest of their natural!

Meanwhile, keep your drawbridge up! Don’t let your “partner” in through your new front door because you might end up with him living with you again but this time in your new space!

Good luck in your new home. Exciting times.

Thank you, to be honest this whole thing has put me right off my partner and I will not be seeing either of them again once I move out. I just think that he let me go on for this long being unhappy and uncomfortable in my home and not being able to afford basic stuff, so clearly he doesn’t care about me at all.

OP posts:
Calmhappyandhealthy · 14/12/2024 17:49

Elise89 · 14/12/2024 17:48

Thank you, to be honest this whole thing has put me right off my partner and I will not be seeing either of them again once I move out. I just think that he let me go on for this long being unhappy and uncomfortable in my home and not being able to afford basic stuff, so clearly he doesn’t care about me at all.

You're right. Start again. Fresh new 2025

Well done 🥲😍

BibbityBobbityToo · 14/12/2024 17:49

The only thing you've done wrong is waited so bloody long.

Enjoy you new home 😀

StarrySquawk · 14/12/2024 17:52

Why the fuck have you been doing his laundry?!

whatsinanameeh · 14/12/2024 17:52

Good luck in your new home. You deserve every happiness x

FuckILookLike · 14/12/2024 17:53

Elise89 · 14/12/2024 17:05

Oh and yes, he certainly won’t be coming with me and the relationship is over as far as I’m concerned

You’re really doing the right thing OP. Took you a while but you’ve finally made the correct step so I can’t fault that at all!