To break up over this? BIL hasn’t left after 5 years!!

[Elise89]

I’ve told DP that I am moving out and he thinks I am being unreasonable and is trying to change my mind. I won’t, but thought I’d ask for other peoples opinions.

I moved in with DP in summer 2019 after a year and half dating. Near Christmas 2019, he asked if his brother could come and stay with us for the holidays for a few weeks (brother lives abroad). I was really excited to meet him and was more than happy for him to spend the holidays with us.

The issue is, he never left! Obviously due to Covid he couldn’t get a flight for quite a while so I was sympathetic to begin with, but it’s coming up to 5 years now and it’s driving me crazy! I basically feel used by both of them, and I’ve tried speaking to my partner so many times, but nothing changes. He doesn’t contribute financially or help round the house. He’s literally sat on my sofa watching TV for 5 years! He did get a part time job after a year or so, and I’ve asked him to give me some money for food shopping and bills, but nothing. He’s able to afford pretty much whatever he wants while I can’t afford new glasses, new clothes etc as all my wages go on bills, travel to work, and food (partner pays the rent as he earns more and our area is expensive to rent).

I’ve had enough and have borrowed money from my parents to put down a deposit on my own little flat, so I’m moving out next week. However I’m getting constantly guilt tripped by DP saying that things will change, he loves me blah blah. Anyway, my mind is made up and I’m fed up of being taken the piss out of!

Yes I did kind of think that, I know it’s wrong and I don’t know why I did, but that’s why I did those things. Perhaps it’s because that’s how it worked in my parents marriage. Although my mum has since left my lazy father who worked but never helped her round the house. I don’t want to let myself be like this again.

Five years?!!! One would have been enough for me.

You will be well out of it, leave the pair of them to it. The fact that DP is trying to make you feel guilty speaks volumes.

Five years and no privacy?

Wishing you all the best in your new home where you can walk around naked and sing and dance to your hearts content!

Power to you OP, you're not an idiot, you've seen the light & recognised the truth very quickly. Think how free & relaxed you'll feel without these 2 millstones around your neck!

I’m so looking forward to this!! The brother works nights 3 nights per week and they get grumpy when I make noise in the day and wake him because they’re dicks.

I agree. It's sickening, isn't it.

I recon that without you as 'whipping boy' these 2 brothers will soon turn on each other OP.

It’s sad in a way as I was really happy with the relationship before the brother moved in but it’s just spoilt for me now due to complete lack of consideration for me.

Thank goodness you're getting out!

Welcome to the wonderful world of living in a modern liberal democracy where the patriarchy still takes advantage of women more than it should but where you really truly never need to wash a man’s clothes ever again - you’re gonna love it!

'He was supposed to go to their other brothers after staying at ours for Christmas'

But it wasn't 'ours' it was your dp's place? Granted his db should've left but it was your ex's call to boot him out. He clearly wasn't bothered so you should've left ages ago. Good luck in your new place.

It was a joint tenancy. When we started dating I had a small flat on my own and my ex was in a house share in London. We both moved into a new house together which was supposed to be for the two of us, not three!

If the bills are set up in your name, make sure you give the meter readings and have everything finalised for when you move out.
I would also take all the shopping I bought too as well as any items I purchased. Things that you need in your new home.

The thing is, you don't need a reason to leave him. You're unhappy that's all the reason you need.
Enjoy your new home.

The overwhelming sentiment here is 'Well, you've recognised that you've been taken advantage of and exploited, so bloody well done on that and then having the guts to do something about it.'
Stay strong, you're doing marvellously.
Wishing you much happiness in your new home.

Thank you, I will get on with cancelling all the direct debits on Monday. I don’t want to be liable for their expenses any more. And I’ll be taking everything that I bought with me too as most of the furniture was bought with my money or came from my old flat when I lived alone.

How did he manage to stay and not get a flight for over two months before lockdown even started? Sounds like the boyfriend doesn't love you if he wants to support his brother instead.

Enjoy your new life, young, free, and single (and well done to your parents).

Maybe use a home moving checklist you can find online, so you don't forget to do anything. Good luck in your new home.

Probably be the best decision of your life. Wishing you future happiness. You deserve better.

Man here.

Well done for seeing the light and do not weaken.

Your BIL is a user and your soon-to-be-ex is spineless. Neither of them deserve you giving them the time of day, never mind cooking for them and cleaning up after them.

Just promise yourself to spend the next 12 months enjoying being single and taking care of just you before you try another relationship. There may be times in the next few weeks when your new flat feels quiet and your day may seem a bit empty. Find ways to enjoy that and spoil yourself. Do not rush into another relationship or, worse still, be tempted to come back to this one. You have made the best decision of your life. Stick to it.

Good luck OP, and well done.

Exactly, that’s why I reckon he didn’t intend to leave in the first place. I can’t even remember now as it was so long ago but I would have thought I’d have said something at the time and some kind of excuse was made. I’ve definitely grown up since then so won’t accept that again.

Dump the old fella too and enjoy being young & single . Wishing you happiness in your new home

“Things will change,” 🙄. Honestly! Either the brother moves out or he doesnt, and he didn’t.