Wwyd - unknown teen wearabouts

[BeShyPlumLeader]

Good morning all

I have a bit of a situation and everyone I know is asleep so not sure how to deal with it!

My 17 yr old went to a party last night, said she was staying at her friends house which is about a 10 minute walk from ours. All fine. I asked her to make sure her Life360 was on please, just in case of emergencies. Which she did. I've woken up at 5am and just thought I'd have a quick look to make sure she'd got back to her friends and I can she see is not at her friends, she's at some random address in a not particularly nice area about ten mins drive from our house. She's been there since about half midnight.

What do I do!? I've tried calling her 20 times now - no answer. Not reading my messages. She quite likely could be asleep but I'm worried sick she's got in a state and been taken somewhere. What would you do in this situation? If I have to tell my husband (he stepdad) that i need to go and find her all hell will break out because we're supposed to be taking our two smaller children to see santa with his family in about 3 hours (a very expensive outing paid for by his mum).

Shall I wait a couple of hours and try again?? Or go looking for her? I'm so angry with her! And bloody tired!

Having life360 or find my phone is a good idea in case of emergency.

checking it is a bad idea, if there is not an emergency. OP can I suggest you hide the app on your phone so you’re less tempted to check and worry?

ringing her at 6am, she was always going to be asleep so I’m not sure what you expected there.

She could always just pay for her own phone.

Ahhh no real advice on how to act as my kids are small but it does make me think how all this technology almost makes things harder! I think the best you can do is give your daughter the tools to make sensible decisions and to have a relationship that she knows she can tell you anything. God knows I certainly slept on a few floors in some dodgy areas but I was street wise enough to keep my wits about me, don’t over drink and always stay with my friends.

anyway - off to enjoy the toddler phase. At least I always know where they are!

EdithBond thanks so much. I'm still trying to adjust and it was good to read how you deal with it.
My son is asd with a sensible head. My youngest of three.Being in a village im surprised by the amount of drugs and im trying to be cool when son says he and his friend are the only ones who don't try the harder drugs. This week he announced he preferred drink to drugs.
Then I get all the he hates me and hates his life.
However, he attends college and holds his pib pot washing job twice a week so I'm just going to try and be calm and be there for him.

Dont ever apologise for worrying - I have a 22 year old who I still regularly worry about when she’s out on the town and don’t let anybody on here make you feel neurotic for it.

I’m glad she’s ok ❤️

I think it’s very telling that your DP would be more annoyed at your DD for missing an expensive outing, rather than concerned for her safety.

I would focus less on your DD and her behaviour and more on your DPs because he’s the one you should be concerned about.

She sounds like an average 17yo.
He sounds like an absolute twat.

Mumsnet is a very odd place.

When the kids aren’t little they are all perfectly behaved, sitting at the table for dinner at 2, queueing nicely, not having tantrums etc otherwise you’re a shit parent.

But once they get to their teens they are all magically out of control. Taking drugs, drinking etc. You must let them do whatever they like or it is over controlling. The 16/17 year olds I know personally aren’t like this. But 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP I’m glad all is well, I’d have panicked too.

I would have the exact same as the OP.

It is different if your kids are small or boys, you don’t get that gut wrenching fear that something has happened to them and she’s only 17.

A mature chat about keeping you updated if the plan changes is required. Mine are all ages but knew to keep me vaguely aware if the plan changed. The only way I’d be angry is when I’m worried sick.

@Wonderi lol - as I read your post he is sat next to me on the m25 shouting at other drivers. Yes he 100% can be / IS indeed, a massive twat. But that's a whole other thread.

Leave her alone, she’s17

I agree.

There was a discussion about young people having anxiety and not being able to go without their phones etc but it’s actually their parents who are the ones who have anxiety and have passed it on to their kids.

The generation of parents who had the smart phones/SM as late teens/adults are the ones who have anxiety.

There are even some adults who have the tracker for their adult partners, which is insane to me.

I do have the find my iPhone one for my DD because we moved to an unknown area and has to get multiple buses and once got lost.
However, I have only checked it twice and only when she asked me to get her.

Having these trackers and checking them causes more unnecessary worry than not having them/not checking them.

A 17yo probably didn’t get to sleep until early hours of the morning and it would be weirder for her to be awake at 6am.

I’m glad she’s ok but I think sometimes we worry too much (I include myself in that too).

He sounds wonderful 🙄

Perhaps get the stress of Christmas out of the way and then consider whether he is a good enough partner for you.

Think about starting a thread just to vent and get it off your chest anonymously and help you decide if you want to stay with him or not.

I hope you’re ok xx

@Wonderi I will start another thread thank you. Separation is something that is already looking quite likely next year. It's a daunting prospect though.

Definitely!

The teen years can be a bit ''eek'' to navigate, different worries for the parents of girls to boys, but still such a massive relief to hear the sweet sound of a Yale turning in the front door at 2am after they have had a night out!

Life 360 is a godsend

I’m glad all is well; a word of caution re the location tracking. Let them know as little as you can that you look at it. I used to challenge my DS too much and he won’t use it now at all! My DD is not so bad, she is happy to put it on but she is much more conformist and doesn’t go anywhere that Inwould be worried about. Teenage years are a massive worry I agree 😊

For your own sanity, delete the life360 tracking app off your phone.

Glad she's ok op.

These trackers are a blessing and a curse. I would stop looking at them unless you have a reason to worry - i.e. not home when she should be or not calling when she should be.

I learned that the hard way when my eldest shared her location with me on Snapchat when she went to uni. Having a sneaky look when I went to bed to check she was home safe and of course she wasn't. I make a point of never looking now, and would only check it if I had reason to.

Exactly. This is the curse of tracking. The daughter will turn up eventually.

Stop calling her and her mates. She's crashed out. If she had disappeared then her friends would tell you. Just go about your day normally. It's not normal for a 17 yo to go partying then come straight home again the very next morning. If she's not got college or work then she'll be carrying on the party.

Another thread where a poor kid has a knob of a step-dad thrust upon her. And then mum wonders why the kid acts out.

This is so extreme and controlling. She's 17, not 10. I think it's wrong to track teens and punish them if they're only a little bit late.

My grandparents called the police when my 17 year old mum (now late 70s) was late back from a dance 😀😀. So this age always been a worry! They were normally pretty relaxed mum was most surprised to arrive home to a police presence!

Tracking apps aren't a magic forcefield either. They don't prevent harm.