Wwyd - unknown teen wearabouts

[BeShyPlumLeader]

Good morning all

I have a bit of a situation and everyone I know is asleep so not sure how to deal with it!

My 17 yr old went to a party last night, said she was staying at her friends house which is about a 10 minute walk from ours. All fine. I asked her to make sure her Life360 was on please, just in case of emergencies. Which she did. I've woken up at 5am and just thought I'd have a quick look to make sure she'd got back to her friends and I can she see is not at her friends, she's at some random address in a not particularly nice area about ten mins drive from our house. She's been there since about half midnight.

What do I do!? I've tried calling her 20 times now - no answer. Not reading my messages. She quite likely could be asleep but I'm worried sick she's got in a state and been taken somewhere. What would you do in this situation? If I have to tell my husband (he stepdad) that i need to go and find her all hell will break out because we're supposed to be taking our two smaller children to see santa with his family in about 3 hours (a very expensive outing paid for by his mum).

Shall I wait a couple of hours and try again?? Or go looking for her? I'm so angry with her! And bloody tired!

Who would be a mother, honestly! I think sometimes they just don't think. We were probably all a little bit the same at that age, but life seems so care free and is pretty hedonistic in the late teens.

I think from what you have said, its probably all fine-that's not to say she couldn't have been a bit more thoughtful to your worries-when she gets home, I would have a calm chat with her and honestly explain just how worried you have been and what agreement you can come to so you don't have to go through this again.

We have an 18 year old and I have had to make my peace with not knowing what he is up to or where he is; but we have some ground rules whilst he lives with us at least. The main things I have told mine is safety is number one concern-and all I ask is for them to make sure they are safe; and if plans change to let me know.

With a bit of luck she will wake up before you go out, check her phone and let you know she is OK x

Assuming everything is fine, I would be cautious about telling her she cant do/cant go etc if she is having a rebellious phase it will make her more likely to do it and not tell you-and you will be in the same situation again. (I know this is hard, we just want them to be safe)

I totally understand your worry but the worst scenario you are imagining, her having been taken somewhere is highly unlikely, someone who wanted to hurt her would've ditched the mobile phone. Much more likely that she's had a drink, gone somewhere voluntarily and they've ended up sleeping there. Not great and you have every right to be cross with her based on the agreed plan but that conversation can happen later. I don't think there's an immediate need to go banging on doors right now.

The sleepover thing is to stay up very late. I limit those as much as possible. I must admit that is my worst nightmare finding they are nor were said they would be after a party. However, at least she is near your house and can get there quick once she is up. If it were something serious location may be unable. Hopefully she gets in touch soon. She will when she sees all your calls. Try to not tell her off but say you were concerned as you do not want her to lie about going out in the future.

I'm not at this point yet as DD is younger but I always ask her to text me good night and that she is safe. She forgets at times but mostly ok. I do not envy you. But in all likelihood, she has gone to another friends and is fast asleep blissfully unaware of your valid panic or her phone was stolen. The chances of her not answering because something has happened are slim so don't focus on that.

Don't worry too much until a reasonable time for her to be awake. But give her a talking to when she gets back about the dangers and the worry because she didn't keep you updated.

Eh?
I think a lot of us definitely have some idea where our teens are a lot of the time.
Not saying that to make OP feel bad as she clearly does care!

Can you ping her phone?

When my teens aren’t answering texts and I’m worried I ping them-this means their phones make a sound even if it’s on silent. They know this means to read their messages and respond to me. That way I know they’re okay.

I don’t track my teens as i’d have absolutely hated to be tracked and I know my mum would have loved to have tracked my every move. Her and her friend will be asleep, i’m sure you’ll hear from her soon. Just go on the santa trip and wait to hear from her. I mean there’s not much else you can do, probably better to be blissfully unaware thinking she is at her friends and then she comes home later. That’s what my mum thought when I said i was staying at a friend’s but wasn’t. She has no doubt just gone to someone else’s house for an after party and crashed. Like teens do.

Hang on, she's 17! Could be at uni next year?? I'd understand the worry at 14 but not at 17....

You do nothing.

Teens are teens.

It's possible she has been kidnapped from the party and her friends left her and she has been treated badly.

It's much more likely they went in to someone else's house and kept on drinking and she fell asleep.

She will not thank you for ringing all of her friends on repeat at six o clock in the morning or for ringing their parents.

Knocking on doors in the approximate area she is in is also a major overreaction. Waking people up early at weekends is never popular and doing it for this reason will be seen as mad.

Teenagers go out and get drunk and sleep it off. It's normal behaviour. You need to trust to her and her friends to keep her safe, and if you think she can't keep herself safe start working on that.

I'm dreading her turning 18 next year because I'll have absolutely no say in anything she does!

You do if she's living in your house.

When my ds was this age he used to do it a lot. It really is worrying. He would always ring or text me around 9-10am to let me know where he was and that he'd fell asleep there.

I'd try not to worry and go along with your day. She will message you or ring you when she wakes

I’ve nothing to add because I have the same aged DD and she is out ‘clubbing’ tonight for the first time. I know I am going to be a bag of nerves because she’s gotten herself in to some drunken states previously.

Apparently I’m suffocating and I know (objectively) that’s true, and that at 17 I was off my tits in recreational drugs at the weekend so I’m trying to be a bit more nonchalant. But ultimately I’ve cancelled my night out so I can be around to collect her if needed 🥴🥴

God I hated this age OP, one of mine used to do
this a lot. I didn’t track her but she’d stay out and not let me know. I remember that fear of wondering if she had drunk too much and some awful bloke had taken advantage.

Having said that I’m sure your DD is fine and will turn up hungover.

She’s 17, you leave her to it.
And as pp said , stop contacting her as you’re running down her battery.

I have teen dds.

I would get showered, and drive over at 8am and pick her up.
You can’t go to the Santa day out not knowing if she is safe.

Your dd is living with you and being funded by you - until the moment she can fully support herself arrives, she lives within your rules and boundaries. Time to be more firm. This is not safe and it’s not acceptable.

She can sleep whilst you are out with the family - and then lay out some ground rules. No more sleepovers for now until she can take safe decisions. You agree a time she comes in, and she sticks to it. I would be taking away phones, privileges and everything else otherwise.

She is still a minor and needs guidance and boundaries, and lots of them.

Go to the friends house at 8am.... although she's probably not there her friend might know where she is. I had the police call me at 6am once looking for my son's friend who had not returned home. I didn't mind at all, I woke my son up to gather information.
As others have said she is most likely sleeping elsewhere but you don't know that & she could be vulnerable if she's still under the influence of alcohol. Your DD might be cross with you but she still needs boundaries & to learn how to keep herself safe whilst having fun.
I hope you locate her & can enjoy the rest of your day.

99.9% chance you will hear from her sometime this morning. You need to take the little ones to Father Christmas as planned.

@Octavia64 said:Teenagers go out and get drunk and sleep it off. It's normal behaviour. You need to trust to her and her friends to keep her safe, and if you think she can't keep herself safe start working on that.

You think it's normal to not know where your teen, who still lives at home and is actually still under legal drinking age, is sleeping? In my son's mixed friend/acquaintance group they do drink but their all either go home or spend the night (prearranged) at the house of a friend/boyfriend/girlfriend.

@BeShyPlumLeader is it possible your daughter has a boyfriend, or met a guy, and is sleeping there? She was maybe planning to say she was at a friend's?

I agree! Very similar to my post.
Good luck OP.

I was going to suggest the same.

This thread shows the entire reason I have never tracked either DDs' phone. It would drive me bonkers.

Like others, I would expect her to be ok, but totally understandable to worry in the circumstances.

Something for later but I wonder if with the tracking she might feel it's less of an issue if her plans change? Or course, she would have ideally given you a heads up, but maybe she feels like if you can see where she is there shouldn't be a problem. Probably worth a bit of a chat about exactly why you ask for that info/reassurance.

What time was she supposed to arrive back home from friends, if she had stayed there? She’s probably at a different friends granted but not missing as such although I understand you worried and not what was agreed,

I'd wait if you haven't heard anything by 9 go to friends house or to the address .

What's your instinct?

Is this out of character?

I was a rule follower as a teen & it would have been very unusual for me to do something like this.

With my sister, all bets were off, and so to not be where she said she was going to be was fairly typical.

I hope you hear from her soon & can relax