Wwyd - unknown teen wearabouts

[BeShyPlumLeader]

Good morning all

I have a bit of a situation and everyone I know is asleep so not sure how to deal with it!

My 17 yr old went to a party last night, said she was staying at her friends house which is about a 10 minute walk from ours. All fine. I asked her to make sure her Life360 was on please, just in case of emergencies. Which she did. I've woken up at 5am and just thought I'd have a quick look to make sure she'd got back to her friends and I can she see is not at her friends, she's at some random address in a not particularly nice area about ten mins drive from our house. She's been there since about half midnight.

What do I do!? I've tried calling her 20 times now - no answer. Not reading my messages. She quite likely could be asleep but I'm worried sick she's got in a state and been taken somewhere. What would you do in this situation? If I have to tell my husband (he stepdad) that i need to go and find her all hell will break out because we're supposed to be taking our two smaller children to see santa with his family in about 3 hours (a very expensive outing paid for by his mum).

Shall I wait a couple of hours and try again?? Or go looking for her? I'm so angry with her! And bloody tired!

I work in this field. It’s not so much that parents are ‘overreacting’ they are just responding to the climate we are finding ourselves in.

We have a major problem on our hands, and anyone that thinks otherwise perhaps needs to look at the facts in black and white.

Op has every reason to be concerned. I don’t blame her at all.

amp.theguardian.com/society/2024/feb/17/toxic-online-culture-fuelling-rise-in-sexual-assualts-on-children-by-other-children-police-warn

Todays risks? There have always been risks - it’s not a new thing. Crime is going down not up yet people always think that it’s more dangerous to be alive in the present day than in the past and they’ve always thought that way. In the 90s, everyone was talking about today’s risks. And in the 00s and in the 10s. But now people look back on those decades and believe they were safer than today. It’s never ending.

Please let us know when you’ve found her, I’m worried about her myself now. I’ve been there OP, teens cause us so much stress! We have “find my friend” on all our phones in our house, but it’s not always reliable or accurate.
Im interested in this “ping” thing posters are talking about, I didn’t know about that, I need to look it up.

Okay OP that’s not fair on your husband if you go around painting him what he’s not. Do you overthink things a lot?

True in part. But tomorrow is the only day she isn’t working (usually works retail every Saturday and Sunday but got a swap) and she does deserve to have a night out over the Christmas period as we are away for the week itself.

Ultimately, I’d rather be on hand if she needs a lift than see her struggling to get home from a capital city on one of the busiest weekends of the year for partygoers.

Yes, that probably makes me suffocating and/or a sap but I’d hardly enjoy myself for worry if I went out anyway. If she has a few successful nights out then I’m sure I’ll feel more chilled, I’m sure.

Fair enough if it works for you but I’m not sure it sends the best message.

Op I am sure she is fine, but it is not unreasonable to check - at all. It’s not early now. Your friend is right.

As for the varying views. Many of these posts will be from young people themselves, checked out parents, and have different standards. You love your dd, and one day she will thank you for looking out for her. 💐

Poor diddums being misrepresented at moments of high stress. Maybe HE might take some initiative and jump in the car?

Exactly correct.
Surely we'd all rather check 100 times even if 99 or 100 of those times it was nothing to worry about?

(Not 100 times on one night)

Turn life 360 off your phone and let your husband track her instead so this doesn’t happen again, there’s no point you tracking her because all it does is make you worry. you haven’t found or heard from her, you are sat worrying about the worse case scenario but there’s nothing you can do. You said thank god she gave you her friends number why? She didn’t answer and you still don’t know where your daughter is so no point having the number. Like you said when she turns 18 you won’t be in control so build the trust now as this way you are only going to push her further away.

@PuddlesPityParty lol not really as his usual reaction is not always as calm. I'm grateful for his support though.

I'm tired, worried and stressed. Please don't read too much into what i said. Thanks.

This thread is wild.

Poor op's head must be spinning.

I get the worry, I have kids the same age but imagining all sorts of sinister shit is unhelpful at this point.

When you say the area is a worry, is it somewhere she is highly unlikely to find herself? As in, she has no friends there, no reason to be there? Just trying to picture it because I live a very unmumsnetty life and my kids friends live in dodgy areas so that in itself wouldn't be a concern for me

If you are going to go over there, I'd send one last message telling her that's what you're doing. It may prompt a response..

I work in the field too. Funny how our opinions are so different. Depends on your risk assessment.

Why should he? It’s not even 9am. And what’s he gonna do when he gets there? Scream her name in the street? Get a grip mate.

I guess there's a chance she had her phone nicked and that's the reason it's not being answered. I'd be calling her friend's parents or going round there if you don't have their number, see you're planning to do that now.

Was she supposed to be joining you on your outing today?

I find it a little bit insulting that because I am not whipping OP into hysteria, I must be a young person, checked out or have "different"-read as bad-standards. I'm 40, have teens aged 18, 16 and 14 and am a very loving parent. They have good rules and boundaries.

I am also a realist and ten past 8 on a saturday morning is by most standards very early after a night out.

I don't see how catastrophising for OP is helping at all. The worry is completely understandable; reigning it in is difficult but at some point you genuinely do have to rationalise it or you will drive yourself mad.

Do you always find it insulting when folk have different opinions?

So op has said daughter is in rough part of town
Does daughter have friends there?if it is near a friend's address then fine.
But, if there are zero friends that live in that area and it is known for certain things then it's abit more concerning.
Also, was she at a house party? Or was she at a club etc.
If at a club then it's more concerning. Who has she gone home with. Esp if no friends in that area.

If my sister/daughter had gone for a night out and told me should would be staying with friends and then in an area where she has zero friends i would be concerned!!!

That’s not what she said.

I hope she gets in touch soon (and having a 14 year old, this is making me slightly dread the next few years!). 99% chance she is fine and just being a typically self-absorbed teenager (having too much fun for the thought of contacting home to even cross her mind, and then crashing out and falling asleep), but I would totally be out of my mind with worry too. Until she or one of her friends actually has a bad experience on a night out, she basically will just think you’re being overprotective because teenagers feel immortal (well, I know I did, and that I made some really stupid decisions that make me shudder to remember now - I had no concept of the danger I was putting myself in). When she’s back though I’d try to talk to her about why you’re so worried, share some of your own past experiences maybe, and tell her it’s just because you love her and don’t want her to be hurt. Maybe have a cut-off time in where if you haven’t heard from her by, you start making efforts to find her.

Not at all. I find it insulting when unwarranted judgements are made about my parenting because I am not sharpening up my pitchfork to organise a search party/goading someone who is naturally already very worried though

@BeShyPlumLeader I’m a mum of teens. I advise you to get on with your day getting ready for Santa. Your daughter is 17, so a young adult and I bet will be back OK. She’s obvs either lied about where she is or possibly had her phone stolen. The tracker is making you panic.

Don’t go mad at her when you get hold of her. Just be glad she’s OK and safely home. I suggest a calm talk later when she’s less hung over/tired. She’s just like you at her age, by the sounds of it. Enjoys a party (and it is party season). But there are added problems since the 90s, such as the range of drugs and county lines, which she needs to be very aware of and sensible about to stay safe. She should trust no one. She should be honest with you about where she is for her own safety. But she’ll only do that if she feels she can tell you without you going nuts at her.

Let us know when you’re heard she’s OK and enjoy the Santa day.

There have always been risks but in the past we didn't have the same freedoms which reduced a lot of the risk. It's now very common for some level of sick behaviour particularly when women are drunk - not their fault, opportunists.

Oh OP I’m sorry this is very stressful. I think it’s a fair enough time in the morning to call her friend / friends parents to check on her whereabouts.