Wwyd - unknown teen wearabouts

[BeShyPlumLeader]

Good morning all

I have a bit of a situation and everyone I know is asleep so not sure how to deal with it!

My 17 yr old went to a party last night, said she was staying at her friends house which is about a 10 minute walk from ours. All fine. I asked her to make sure her Life360 was on please, just in case of emergencies. Which she did. I've woken up at 5am and just thought I'd have a quick look to make sure she'd got back to her friends and I can she see is not at her friends, she's at some random address in a not particularly nice area about ten mins drive from our house. She's been there since about half midnight.

What do I do!? I've tried calling her 20 times now - no answer. Not reading my messages. She quite likely could be asleep but I'm worried sick she's got in a state and been taken somewhere. What would you do in this situation? If I have to tell my husband (he stepdad) that i need to go and find her all hell will break out because we're supposed to be taking our two smaller children to see santa with his family in about 3 hours (a very expensive outing paid for by his mum).

Shall I wait a couple of hours and try again?? Or go looking for her? I'm so angry with her! And bloody tired!

@Nolegusta

As others have said, when I was a teen I routinely did this.

We'd go out, usually in the town I went to school in not the town where I lived. When it came to time to go home we'd usually go to one friend's whose mum was welcoming but sometimes if we couldn't get a taxi and had to walk we'd all crash at the closest friends.

If I'd told my mum in advance, I'd have said I'm sleeping at Helen's (because that was the plan) but then lack of taxi's meant we slept at Joan's.

So.., change of plans but nobody was unsafe.

My children are early twenties now. If they were out on a night out or a party then firstly I didn't track them (they kept it turned off most of the time as did I) and secondly no, it wouldn't bother me if they were at a different place from where they said they would be.

Either we'd have agreed a collection point (I'll collect you from the Costa near blah at 11am) or they'd say they'd be making their own way home by train and could I get them from the station.

(We lived very rurally and getting home by public transport wasn't really do able even in the daytime).

@CissOff well we sound fairly similar, both then and now. I was also off my tits on whatever I could get my hands on at 17. I'm under no illusion ill be able to stop her doing all of those things tbh. But yes just worry for her safety as although she looks older, and thinks she's very grown up - she's actually quite immature and has in the past got herself in a pickle drink wise. Did your daughter get home OK??

Thank u everyone for your advice. Yes agree Life360 is a bit better the devil you know, and I would have hated my mum being able to track me back in the day. I'm not trying to stop her fun I just want to know she is safe. I won't be knocking at random doors just yet though.

Give me the toddler years over this shit any day!

You very clearly do not have teens. You have no idea of today’s risks.
At this point you are just embarrassing yourself.

Whoa that escalated quickly.

OP doesn't know the exact address, organising a "search party" is a huge over reaction and will mortify her daughter-come on, its not even 8am!

Totally sympathetic to the worry-I have also tied myself in knots over teens whereabouts, but that is my cross to bear, on the balance of probabilities, she has got drunk, carried on partying with friends at someone's house and crashed on a sofa. She will wake up in the next couple of hours and probably check in very hungover and want a lift home.

Rtft, she's tried

You having done this, and nobody having been unsafe in your case, doesn't mean that it's normal behaviour for everyone or that some people won't end up unsafe though.

"today's risks"

Statistically teens are safer now than ever.

But you keep fuelling the fire that bad things happen all the time to everyone.

Strange attitude! She’s 17, not 23.

My teen regularly changes her plan, mind, places, parties but always communicates and lets us know. For her OWN safety as much as anything else. It’s not the olden days mow, and with spiking at record levels, yes they do have to be careful.

Are teens really 'safer than ever'?

Maybe she should’ve cancelled her night out then, not you? You know. Actions. Consequences. That old thing.

Liam Neeson 😀😀😀

Not sure what I would do actually.

It’s not easy parenting this age. I do find the tracking helpful as dd2 aged 16 is a party girl with a million friends and roams around and has done for a few years. I didn’t bother tracking with dd1 who is a sensible sort. It’s reassuring to me to see dd2 is at friend x or friend y house so I don’t need to trouble her. I know some people are anti tracking but they are usually the ones with toddlers or homebody sensible teens. Walk in our shoes!

I feel for you. Give me wrangling a toddler into a car seat any day rather than a teenager going out. I'm sure everything will be okay.

This is key - making sure they let you know where they are (and possibly who they're with), even if plans change.

Um.

I think we are getting off track a bit.

There are things teens and parents can do to try to help keep them safe.

One of my teens learnt a martial art. When I was early twenties I was given a rape alarm by my uni as part of freshers week and advised to carry it around.

The most important is probably to go out with a group and stay with the group and look after each other.

I do think that at some point most teens go to at least one party. It is reasonably normal (late) teen behaviour to start going out and drinking.

Without wishing to add to ops worry but to answer the point. We are just about to introduce a new law in this country to address the issue of young people being spiked - which is now at record levels.

inews.co.uk/news/children-teens-spiked-vapes-drinks-3230589?srsltid=AfmBOooLD0ITMlPSWaWE1SpYcf1IZTcxVFPgjU0rueniZMZAgYhwCQ3s

What??
As a neighbour it's none of you business
Is there something in the water this morning?

Our DDs sound similar - very grown up looking but not very worldly wise and lacks a healthy dose of common sense (e.g. she thinks the trains will be running at 2am and that’s how she will get to her friends house 🙈🙈)

She’s out tonight, I’m secretly praying she won’t get in anywhere but I know that’s not the answer to me (perfectly reasonable imo) worrying.

If I can see she’s back at her friends house tonight, I will chill out. But I will be on pins until that point 😢

Hell would freeze over before I cancelled my own plans to pick them up. I know mums like that who have subsumed their own lives to run after teens <shudder>. Sleepover or get an uber I have my own life to live.

I did - this is her first night out since Halloween.

I think you’re right. I think as well them having friends that you can trust to not leave them / message you if needed is key too.

Well not really since you sacrificed your own night out. She could’ve waited until a day you didn’t have plans you needed to cancel I’m sure.

Blimey just reading through some of the responses. I'm genuinely very grateful for all of them. Quite interesting how much everyone's views and opinions differ though. Mumsnet is a funny old place isn't it

Just spoke to a friend IRL and she's of the opinion I should be knocking on the friends house right now. I think her main worry is the area I can see my daughter is in right now. I'm going to leave it a bit longer though.

And re. my husband I was a bit unfair. I did end up telling him and all hell did not break loose. He's a bit annoyed by yet another issue with her but more just concerned she's ok.

For your own sake OP, set a time in your mind that you would normally expect her to either be home or be in touch-what time would she get up after a night out if she was at home?

Resolve to wait until that time before worrying further or doing anything else.

I am not saying it is easy, I have been there.

Gosh, you are rude. By whose authority are you sitting in judgement?