Wwyd - unknown teen wearabouts

[BeShyPlumLeader]

Good morning all

I have a bit of a situation and everyone I know is asleep so not sure how to deal with it!

My 17 yr old went to a party last night, said she was staying at her friends house which is about a 10 minute walk from ours. All fine. I asked her to make sure her Life360 was on please, just in case of emergencies. Which she did. I've woken up at 5am and just thought I'd have a quick look to make sure she'd got back to her friends and I can she see is not at her friends, she's at some random address in a not particularly nice area about ten mins drive from our house. She's been there since about half midnight.

What do I do!? I've tried calling her 20 times now - no answer. Not reading my messages. She quite likely could be asleep but I'm worried sick she's got in a state and been taken somewhere. What would you do in this situation? If I have to tell my husband (he stepdad) that i need to go and find her all hell will break out because we're supposed to be taking our two smaller children to see santa with his family in about 3 hours (a very expensive outing paid for by his mum).

Shall I wait a couple of hours and try again?? Or go looking for her? I'm so angry with her! And bloody tired!

Have a very large mug of coffee, then an even bigger glass of mulled wine at the santa event.

Merry Christmas!

She didn’t say ‘unknown teen’, she said ‘unknown teen whereabouts’.

Totally standard parenting of loving parents in my experience.

My friends dd would go out and not call and keep them updated, she didn’t agree to a tracker either. So my friend gave her a brick phone and said there was little point funding expensive apple contracts. Funnily enough she soon started updating her parents. Worked a treat. By the time she got to 20-22 she automatically messaged.

Glad she’s OK. Totally understandable when it’s your first kid. And especially a daughter, though young men actually face far greater risk of violent crime. You didn’t offend me about the dodgy area. Believe me, I’ve been awake for hours at times worrying about where mine are, so know exactly how you feel.

I bet you’re shattered now! If it helps, I’ve learned when dealing with young adult kids that it helps if you treat them like a housemate rather than a parent. Expect them to pull their weight. Be worried and ask if they’re OK if they’re not back when they said they’d be. Have safety agreements, like letting you know where they are (back in the day my housemates used to text me to say they were going to afterparties or back to someone’s house and where etc, just to be safe as I’d know where they last were if they didn’t turn up and wouldn’t worry) but not what they’re doing or who with.

With teens, it’s reverse psychology. The more laid back and non-judgemental you are, the more they tell you what they’re up to. The more you treat them like an adult, the more they act like one.

Loving parents shouldn't be controlling a woman in her 20s like that.

Glad she's Ok.

Why was she there & not where she said she'd be?

Quite. Some ridiculous responses on here. Anyone would think we lived in some utopia where no young woman ever got harmed due to the magic forcefield of being 17. I don't know a single mother who wouldn't be concerned about this in RL. All these people banging on about when they were 17...yeah right. The people who, like the OP, did get into dodgy situations are the same ones who worry about their daughters because they know what there is to worry about. I'm glad she's safe OP. Don't let the naivety of some people make you think you're wrong to be vigilant.

Do you always answer questions posed to other people?

Your language is very telling.

Good. I am glad I was clear.

Lol 😂. You’re clearly a great mum @BeShyPlumLeader. And if she’s your daughter from a previous relationship I’m guessing you have a special close bond and it’s prob more difficult for your DP to deal with her. If she’s anything like you seem, she’ll be OK in the end. And TBF I’d be more worried about a kid who doesn’t go out partying at that age. It’s what you should be doing in your teens and early 20s. Enjoy your day 🙂

I would say it’s very obvious from the post OP means the whereabouts of her teen are unknown 🤦‍♀️

Telling and clear aren't the same.
Moving on.

I m glad your daughter is safe and you feel happier. As for the bullies here. My kids are lucky the tracking devises exist nowadays. I would not let them go out otherwise. It is not like nothing would happened but at least you can see where they are if they are late or something. The way our city is in 2024 is just insane and a far from safe place as when we grew up just a couple of decades ago. It is not only about robberies, knife crime, sex trafficking and unexplained deaths. We need to stop shaming parents who are concerned of having to accept their teens must go out with all of it happening. I remembered watching a documentary where one little girl was abducted never to be seen again. The mother let her to go and play with kids nearby while they were watching a sports game in a school campus. She felt if she did not she was going to be judge as people used to say to her she was overprotective. Well if she would have not let her go that day the little girl would have not been abducted.

“I'm dreading her turning 18 next year because I'll have absolutely no say in anything she does!“

If she’s still living under your roof and taking the benefits of childhood you will absolutely have a say in what she does.

Not too sure what your problem is, but the main thing is OP's daughter is OK, and OP didn't over react by following some of the more extreme suggestions.

If you would like to have an argument, as I think you quite possibly do-you have chosen the wrong person to pick at. I have no interest in getting in to a back and forth over this. I am sure this is also very telling. Take what you will from it.

Glad all is well OP! My DD is 12 and I have all this to come, already panic every time 'find my' glitches and shows her in a different place to where she is meant to be!

I remember my friends and I as teens lying to our parents about being at each other houses and being drunk in a field all night instead, but that was the 90s in a very quiet village, I now live in a much rougher area and times have changed - I will never feel bad or apologise for being able to track her.

Glad she's ok and you can relax now and go have a lovely time now with your little ones.

My two are 16 and 19 and I worry about them more as teens than I ever did.

How does tracking someone keep them safe? It won't prevent anything bad from happening. I find it a bit odd to be tracking someone. We don't have trackers on each other.

I don't have a problem. Moving on.

I dont track my 17yr old ds but goodness me I live in a state of worry. From never going out to suddenly having mates and being out every evening and coming in at all hours.

It started in the summer when he never returned home. Turns out he had smoked weed and didn't want to come through the small village wooded area as was paranoid so slept on the park bench then made his way to a bike shed at some flats. He said there was a sofa in there and a boiler that kept him warm.
I was in bed at 3 in tears waiting, not knowing where he was. No partner to ask. Thinking do I drive around or call police.
I've calmed down since then but yes it's a tricky age.

All due respect to you @BeShyPlumLeader, the only way you'll know your daughter is safe is when she walks through your door after her night out.

I understand that she is 17 and may not have made good decisions before but at some point you will have to let her have a night out and not phone her or keep track of her. You will have to trust her.

It's very possible that her plans changed when she was out with her friends so phoning 20+ times and phoning friends and so on, while helping to ease your mind will show her that you don't trust her or her friends to make good choices and that you're a worrier and she can't have a night out without her mother breathing down her neck.

Glad she's ok, when I was 17 (and when I think that was 12 years ago already I'm like how?! I still feel 18 and now I'm one of the not young ones 🤣🤣) my mum was very trusting and to be honest I never gave her a reason not to she was quite laid back about drinking etc and I was the only friend that ended up hardly drinking and being the mum 🤣🤣 I haven't drank in 5 years as well lol. She always said I will pick you up at this time and if I was staying away and she didn't hear from me she knew my friends were 100% trustworthy and they had each others numbers etc so if anything was wrong they would contact her. I remember one time I ended up really drunk really quickly because I hadn't eaten and it was house party measures, my friend actually called my mum to come and get me ... I was raging at the time but I understand why she did it 🤣🤣 one time my mum was supposed to pick me up from a house party and we moved along the road and my phone died ... Completely not just a dead battery, she drove around looking for me and because I didn't want to break her trust I walked around looking for her .. all was well as she realised my phone was broken and I just couldn't update her and I was with a different set of friends who didn't have her number. Now me on the other hand I have an 8 month old and I have no idea how I will handle things like this ... I would probably go straight to she's been human trafficked out of here and have my whole family out searching demanding the police dogs 🤦🏼‍♀️🤣🤣

OP I can never settle until my youngest DS (who still lives with us) is home after a night out. He doesn’t text to tell me where he is. If I text him he doesn’t reply. I try to tell myself we are all now more contactable than ever and that bad news travels fast. Glad your daughter’s ok xx

@Inlimboin50s I hear you. I’m a lone parent too. And they do suddenly start with the sex and drugs and rock ‘n’ roll at that age, so can be a shock. That scenario must’ve been such a worry at the time, but funny to look back on. I’d hate to be in woods alone when wrecked. I was pretty wild from 15 onwards but luckily always had a sensible button/instinct that triggered when dafter people carried on. I’ve tried to instil that in my kids. I always say, if hearing my voice in their ear holds them back from something really stupid/risky, that’s all I can do. Thankfully, we have open chats about everything, which means I can pass on my wisdom, though they obvs don’t tell me everything.