TW To notice that a lot of child murders have one thing in common

[Worldinyourhands]

Has anyone else noticed the chilling common theme in the child murders that keep being reported (it feels like) in recent times? There's another today, and as soon as I read the heartbreaking report, that same factor jumped out yet again.

An unrelated partner being involved in the child's life. A parent and a boyfriend/girlfriend or (less commonly) new husband/wife.

Before anyone jumps on me, I'm obviously OBVIOUSLY not saying that step parents are all evil. Nor am I saying that biological parents can't be evil. In all the cases I'm thinking of, the biological parents were totally complicit.

But I am wondering if there needs to be some more red flags raised when school or social workers or whoever become aware that a child is having to live with a parent's romantic partner. Particularly a young child or a new partner, though I'm aware of at least one case involving a teenager (it broke my heart - I'm not naming any of the children on this post, but there have been multiple over the past few years). Not doing a poll either as it's too flippant.

But has anyone else noticed this factor coming up time and time again? And does anyone else think that this aspect of safeguarding seems to be missed - presumably because we place far too much value on the parent's perceived 'right' to have a live-in romantic partner and not enough weight on the chlld's right not to live with an unrelated adult who doesn't love them?

Exactly. Dysfunction is dysfunction. I grew up in violence from by biological parents.

@anatomyk
But statistically, step parents are far far more likely to abuse than biological parents. This does not mean that biological parents do not abuse children but all the research shows that if a parent is biologically related to a child, there is far less likelihood of abuse.
As it stands, one of the biggest threats to a child's well being is living with mum's new partner. It is disingenuous to pretend otherwise.
There is a great deal of peer reviewed evidence to support this.

Absolutely agree about control - it’s all about control. From my anecdotal knowledge, the unrelated man is just as likely to shake the baby. Dangerous men don’t walk off, they act aggressively.

Same. It always surprises me how people put their own sexual needs over the welfare of children. It's part of being a parent. I can wait a few years to have a boyfriend.

It’s also surprising that some women will put their want to have kids above the fact that their partner is abusive and go ahead and have kids with them anyway. Maybe lulled into a false sense of security that biological dads wouldn’t hurt their children. Yet all the family annihilation cases are biological dads.

It is important that accepted patterns of behaviour inform the welfare of children. Social workers need to be aware of domestic arrangements and potential red flags to ensure children are kept safe from harm.
A known red flag is a parent ( generally the mother) living with a partner who is not biologically related to the child. You cannot ignore known patterns and predictors of abuse.
No one is saying biological parents never abuse but they are much less likely to do so.

Absolutely. Unfortunately there are a lot of stupid, selfish people out there who are reproducing....and so the cycle continues!

I have a friend whose wife had an affair when their children were young. She moved the kids to live with the new man. My friend has spent his life putting his kids first. He has never had more than casual relationships because his house and family is sacrosanct. The kids mother is on her third marriage and has had two more children. As soon as the kids were old enough they moved to live permanently with their Dad. They went to university but both of them are living back with him now they have graduate jobs. He is a good, caring Dad and always put his children first.
More men and women with children should avoid live in partners until their children are old enough to move out if they are unhappy. Date and enjoy relationships but avoid live in partners.

Infanticide is a common phenomenon in the animal world. There is no reason it wouldn't also be represented in the human species too.

Just a horrible reality.

Abuse and violence comes from dysfunction. Alcoholism, lack of support, a variety of sources. I grew up seeing my sibling nearly killed in front of me by my biological mother because she had untreated PTSD. Don't call me disingenuous.

Can you post your stats source please, just for info as I'd like to read it.

I actually think there's a huge fear of parental neglect/violence. Being scared of it doesn't mean it doesn't happen you know. Look at the cases over last year where mothers left their babies/toddlers to die alone whilst they went on holiday.

I'm totally with you, and this was my choice, too - having been raised by a single parent who had a new relationship that overshadowed everything else in her life. All was well, its just we, kids, were never a priority by a mile... But.

My mum always told me - "you kids will grow up, and I dont want to be on my own". And I think this is a price to pay. You say you found someone now - I dont know how old you are - I will be in the late 50s when my DC are ready to fly the nest (hopefully). I doubt I will find anyone. I'm being realistic, old unattractive worn out woman with not much money hardly going to have suitors lining up...

Of course having someone to share a life with you is lovely and so much better financially - my mum is a happy 70 year old now, living in a big house with her now husband. I most likely will be old, single and skint. But to me, my kids are more important. I always made shit choices when it came to men, I'm shit at relationships so I felt it will be safer for my kids not to be exposed to that. And, tbh, now I do like being single - its not a big deal. Just wish I had more money!

What I'm trying to say - Its a tough thing to navigate. It is possible to have a good relationship when you have kids, I know people who were raised by step dads who they adore. But moving someone in straight away is definitely a red flag - and in any situation your children should be a priority, not your new partner. Moving someone in within a few months and then having a new baby immediately is especially grim.

A few posters saying yes but the women involved are often vulnerable and of low intelligence. That’s not an excuse. The males involved are also probably of low intelligence.

@anatomyk
Just a quick Google will show you reams of evidence
https://hope4hurtingkids.com/trauma-tragedy/abuse/risks-of-child-abuse-and-neglect-based-on-family-structure/
I am a teacher and safeguarding sessions have always referred to predictors of abuse. EG, a non biological partner ( usually a man not related to the kids ) is significantly more likely to harm any children in the home

Yes, it’s a risk. I read somewhere that the most dangerous thing a mother can do is move an unrelated male partner to their home. I follow a social worker on instagram who posts a lot about safeguarding children who made me aware of this.

For that reason I have decided I will not live with a male partner until DC are grown up.

https://pure.hud.ac.uk/ws/portalfiles/portal/20139792/Violence_against_children_by_stepparents_Chapter_FINAL.pdf

I hope normalising being a fully functioning adult woman who doesn’t have to have a partner or have to have kids to be considered such helps this to stop happening so much. Also better contraception especially for teenagers.

Everyone I know who splits up with their dcs biological dad has been instantly in serious relationships with other men. These are educated and financially stable women.

I agree with the very early poster that I hope my dd is gay or at least the pickiest straight woman on the planet as the general bar is so fucking low for straight men.

I also am coming round to an eye for an eye for child abusers. Fuck them, they deserve no compassion or respect from the rest of us. What does it say of a society when we put the welfare of adult abusers above that of the children they abuse. All the money housing these monsters in their special prisons where they don’t get attacked by the general prison population could be spent trying to help stop this happening in the first place.

@anatomyk
It is known as the Cinderella effect. Step children are more likely to be abused by a non biologically related partner.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cinderella_effect

@anatomyk
I mean that it is disingenuous to deny that statistically a step parent (usually male) is far more likely to abuse children. No one is denying that biological parents also abuse children. However, it is statistically more likely that the abuse is carried out by a non biologically related parent.

There is another current thread on MN making exactly the same points about potential abuse risks by step fathers.
www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5230078-cw-child-abuse-why-do-mothers-not-protect-their-children-from-abusive-boyfriends?page=1

This is wise. I had seen some evidence of some seemingly really good stepdads growing up but even then, when I dug beneath the surface of two of the “best” step dads - all was not exactly as it seemed.

One former friend had a lovely stepdad, he was so kind to her and all her friends. I had some great conversations with him as I was in my late teens/early 20s when I used to visit her house.

He actually was a genuinely super decent guy, her mum chose well. But I remember having a chat with my friend about her childhood and she said at age 9 when they began dating her little world changed. And while she knew he was a good man, who didn’t have any kids of her own and he didn’t move in until she was an adult , they made her feel like a constant third wheel and it was never the same in her household again with this unrelated male in it every day.

I was quite shocked because he was as nice as anything, but it just shows many children (not all) just don’t like it even if it’s a great guy like him. As a former educator I seen a lot of children’s behaviour decline when a new step-parental figure appeared on the scene.

The other case was extremely grim , so this girl had grown up her with her step dad from about age 5 after her dad died. When I used to go over to visit she seemed so close to him but not in a weird way. And he treated her the same as his bio daughters who came every weekend which I thought seemed lovely.

I lost touch with her in early teens after they moved out of our area, but I heard the parents split and of course she stayed in contact with the man she called her Dad.

When I was in my early 20s it came out that during a visit to see her “Dad” in his flat he had actually turned on her and raped her. I heard this from her cousin and he said the one “decent” thing the (Step) Dad had did was plead guilty so there was no harrowing trial.

I couldn’t believe this man had turned out to be like that. Makes you wonder how long he had viewed her like that? No one knows for sure of course, but apparently the woman was adamant she wasn’t abused by him growing up and this rape of her as an adult came totally out of the blue. She was slightly younger than me so about 18 when this happened.

Honestly, the number of children abused and murdered in their homes would drop dramatically if more single mothers adopted your approach. Time and time again there are threads on here where the OP has a boyfriend or step-father in her household who is treating her children absymally and OP is wringing her hands, not sure what to do and asking strangers on the internet for advice rather than immediately moving her child out of harms way. It is so disturbing when you read posts where OP has moved a man in after six months and clearly prioritises a relationship over her children’s welfare. I have young DC and if I split from their father it would be a cold day in hell before I let a man move in.

I find it infuriating when some on MN argue that stating the above is unfair because it is placing the blame for male violence on women. No. It is asking women to exercise a modicum of common sense, prioritise their child(ren) and do not move a man they barely know into their home.

Let’s not infantilise women. The risks are very clear. Absent learning difficulties or MH issues, there is no reason a woman with children cannot make sensible and safe decisions when it comes to a new relationship.

@Feelinglow27 Totally agree. I wrote on another thread that I would do a celebratory dance if DD one day tells me she is a Lesbian. The amount of absolute shit the majority of my friends put up with from their husbands and boyfriends, many of whom on paper you’d think are a catch and ‘good guys’…FML

Well, yes. I often think of lions in this scenario - when a male takes over an existing pride he often kills any cubs. Some have suggested it's to bring the female into season again earlier so he can produce his own cubs, but also killing another's offspring prioritises his own genes.

The most common type of harm to children from a step parent is physical violence ("punishment" or control based)

Sexual assualt is alot rarer I'd imagine

🤣