TW To notice that a lot of child murders have one thing in common

[Worldinyourhands]

Has anyone else noticed the chilling common theme in the child murders that keep being reported (it feels like) in recent times? There's another today, and as soon as I read the heartbreaking report, that same factor jumped out yet again.

An unrelated partner being involved in the child's life. A parent and a boyfriend/girlfriend or (less commonly) new husband/wife.

Before anyone jumps on me, I'm obviously OBVIOUSLY not saying that step parents are all evil. Nor am I saying that biological parents can't be evil. In all the cases I'm thinking of, the biological parents were totally complicit.

But I am wondering if there needs to be some more red flags raised when school or social workers or whoever become aware that a child is having to live with a parent's romantic partner. Particularly a young child or a new partner, though I'm aware of at least one case involving a teenager (it broke my heart - I'm not naming any of the children on this post, but there have been multiple over the past few years). Not doing a poll either as it's too flippant.

But has anyone else noticed this factor coming up time and time again? And does anyone else think that this aspect of safeguarding seems to be missed - presumably because we place far too much value on the parent's perceived 'right' to have a live-in romantic partner and not enough weight on the chlld's right not to live with an unrelated adult who doesn't love them?

@Namechangefordaughterevasion I can't think of a single case where a child experiencing newsworthy abuse was in the care of both biological parents.

Here's one that was in court this week.
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c704pl9nnzzo.amp

It's far from unknown for children to come to harm while living with both biological parents.

Come on, have you read about these people? The are as far from "normal family" as can be. These were very obvious nutters - and its shocking no one intervened earlier to safe their child.

A) no one said anything about "normal family", just that they didn't think children ever experienced "newsworthy abuse" while living with both parents, and b) there are plenty of "normal families" living in squalor, abuse, and neglect.

One study has estimated that 20% of abuse of children is perpetrated by both the child's biological parents together, and abuse of a child is still statistically more likely to be perpetrated by a bio parent than a stepparent. That doesn't mean most bio parents abuse. It means, that when child abuse has already occurred, the highest chance is that it will have been perpetrated by one or both of the child's biological parents.

You are woefully naive if you think social workers don’t see a lot of abuse and neglect from “teachers, doctors, lawyers etc”. Or just a snob, not sure. The majority of the people we saw were deeply damaged by years of poverty and neglect themselves, but plenty of middle class or wealthy parents and stepparents are out there abusing their kids. They just don’t get caught as often or as quickly because of prejudices like the one you just stated.

in fact, the majority of the “kids gone off the rails and parental relationship has broken down” WERE “nice middle class families” with histories of divorce and a stepparent where the older children came second to mums nice new family unit.

I was an educator within social services for 4 years and two of the worst parents I came across included a GP father and his wife and separately - a teacher mother and her husband. Both set of parents had terrible attitudes and were so entitled and arrogant when their teens went into care.

Also generally even in the mainstream I definitely seen negative impacts of stepparents in a wide variety of families irrespective of social class.

I definitely feel more research and studies need to be done and results to be widely shared among professionals and even the wider public . As a society we all need to understand better what are risk factors for children - generally speaking not just regarding stepparents.

I had a friend who was well-intentioned and facilitated yearly contact between her child and ex who her lived in another part of Europe. He was extremely violent when he was with her and nearly killed her.

He contributes financially now and then and also calls now and then. She barely knows what goes on in her kids fathers life as he’s very secretive but still she insisted on that yearly unsupervised overnight contact despite my advising against it .

It later came out he was viewing videos involving upskirting of school girls, so teen porn (her kid was about 14 by then) she immediately stopped contact and actually said she wished she had listened to me to begin with.

The problem is society and authorities normalise contact with fathers who have violent histories, so women think they’re doing the right thing - but we don’t really know the risks.

Personally I think it’s too much of gamble. The stance is often “just because they’re violent to women doesn’t mean they’re dangerous to their own kid” but I feel there’s a much greater risk.

There are too many adults out there spending their whole life recovering from the trauma of their childhood. We need more prevention rather than just stepping in after the fact.

I haven't rtft but I am on the same page of some other single mums that have posted. Like them I am prioritising the children whilst they grow up. I won't be moving another man into my home, or having more children. I've dated but not had any relationships since splitting with their dad 4 years ago. I don't want a blended family. I've always been extremely careful who I have left my children with and that won't change. Only yesterday I was telling a colleague that I wouldn't get married again and as predicted she was shocked. I don't know why the default in society is to be living with a partner when it can put children at risk. I value my unit of 3 so much. As a society we need to come away from the idea that a woman must only be happy if partnered with a man.

You're an 'educator in social services' (I'm an IRO and no idea what that means), and you're referring to child sexual abuse images as 'teen porn'?
Make it make sense 🫠

Or my ex husband

I'm not sure that we can put our values on the Hansel and Gretel story. It's set at a time where famine was commonplace. At that point was it better for all of the family to stave to death, or some of the family to survive? Maybe leaving the children in the woods was less traumatic for the parents rather than watching them die? Either way, it's a situation that most of us are unlikely to have to ever choose between.

At around the same time as the case of the little girl who was murdered in Kelty, a female GP dumped the body of her little boy in woods in Kirkcaldy. Fife had 3 notorious murders around the same time. (The worst case was the Fee case in Thornton. The murderers tried to pin the murder on one of the other children in the house.)

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-edinburgh-east-fife-36333032

In the end, the Director of Children's Services resigned, claiming that he was only doing so to follow his vocation as a pastor. (He was never a social worker - he was a secondary school teacher and Plymouth Brethren leader.)

Correcting myself here. Reports at the time of the killing claimed that the mother was a GP. There's no hint of that in any of the reports that I can find now.

Craig Munro resigned after it came to light that social workers who did not have permission to do so had accessed Mikaeel Kular's file. He stated that the only reason for his resignation was his desire to follow his religious vocation.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-edinburgh-east-fife-32392803

Tbf most people know their paid babysitters less well than that (having spent less time getting to know them socially). Some babysitters come with DRB checks, references and first aid certificates, but there will also be a lot of people informally getting a neighbour or local young person to cover for a few hours.

Agreed. Ive just started a thread about this horrific case which I only heard about today.
In this case, and Ive only read the BBC articles, it would appear she was previously a good parent to her daughter, so in some ways she has less of an 'excuse' (for want of a better word) than him, he doesnt even look like he could tie his own shoe laces whereas she clearly knew what a good parent was and yet she allowed him to abuse and kill her.

They both should have got life sentences in my view

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cx2pg04jq50o

We ask this when we admit children to the ward as well. With full names and dates of birth.

Well aware of this statistic & if anything happened to DH, no other man is living under this roof while my kids live here.

I wonder if age is a factor. Im almost 40 and if I'm honest can go ages without sex. Perhaps it feels different if you are only early/mid twenties and the drive for a sexual partner is higher.

Why would I be crying into my cereal because I'm a single mum? My DS's sperm donor fucked off to Shropshire (I'm in Cambs) and hasn't seen him since August. Meanwhile I'm doing alright by myself and glad I don't have a useless man littering the place (useless because I had to tell him how to change a nappy despite him having two kids. They're both adults and he was with their mum until they were adults, but I strongly suspect she did all the childcare!)
I'm taking the approach that I don't want a man to potentially harm my little boy, so I'm staying single until he's much much older.

See, I would put Mum’s new lesbian lover in the same category as Mum ‘s new boyfriend. That woman looks as if she could snap us all like a twig.

I've been single for 16yrs (not even a date) and tbh it hasn't even been the slightest problem. My dc's come first. Then my health and my job (basic PT office job, I'm not an MN career woman) .I never had the brain space for anyone else.

'lesbian lover' you mean 'girlfriend'

never seen a man referred to as a 'heterosexual male lover'

And no, lesbians are women.

We're not as dangerous as men... because we aren't as strong as them and don't have a male sexuality. Your comment isn't borne out by statistics.

There aren't many cases of lesbians harming children but any cases of it are sensationalised by the press, precisely because they are unusual cases. Men harming children is 'mundane' and not interesting. Many such cases are barely reported.

Your dislike lesbians is probably influencing your view of how intimidating lesbians are in general.

Absolutely agree, we are suffering from ongoing onslaught of male violence.

That said, I find it abhorrent that some women will accept anything, just to have a man, including the torture and murder of their babies. How do they even look at themselves in a mirror. Scum bags

My daughter is a lesbian so there are a few that I like.

I feel sorry for her. Imagine having a mum who makes it her business to amplify negative stories as though they are typical behaviour for lesbians in order to provide cover for abusive men. Disproportionate negative focus on lesbians is typical of the media and you derail a thread about male violence to shout 'but what about lesbians?'.

Not to mention that you seem to believe that lesbians have male strength... typical homphobic trope to compare us to men.

Well, that’s an interesting take on it.

Second response nailed it.

And yet, in folklore, it's always the wicked stepmother. Obviously there was a wicked stepmother in poor Sara's case but usually it's the stepfather.

Actually, the high incidence of step mothers in fairy tales is down to female mortality being much higher (especially in child birth) centuries ago. I remember a very interesting lecture about it.