TW To notice that a lot of child murders have one thing in common

[Worldinyourhands]

Has anyone else noticed the chilling common theme in the child murders that keep being reported (it feels like) in recent times? There's another today, and as soon as I read the heartbreaking report, that same factor jumped out yet again.

An unrelated partner being involved in the child's life. A parent and a boyfriend/girlfriend or (less commonly) new husband/wife.

Before anyone jumps on me, I'm obviously OBVIOUSLY not saying that step parents are all evil. Nor am I saying that biological parents can't be evil. In all the cases I'm thinking of, the biological parents were totally complicit.

But I am wondering if there needs to be some more red flags raised when school or social workers or whoever become aware that a child is having to live with a parent's romantic partner. Particularly a young child or a new partner, though I'm aware of at least one case involving a teenager (it broke my heart - I'm not naming any of the children on this post, but there have been multiple over the past few years). Not doing a poll either as it's too flippant.

But has anyone else noticed this factor coming up time and time again? And does anyone else think that this aspect of safeguarding seems to be missed - presumably because we place far too much value on the parent's perceived 'right' to have a live-in romantic partner and not enough weight on the chlld's right not to live with an unrelated adult who doesn't love them?

Yes you are right. It's always a male step or father.

I think that the Fee case was highighted in the Scottish media for four reasons: there were three notorious child murders within a small area; secondly, in all three cases, Fife Social Work Dept was seen to have serious failings (though the dept tried to blame individual social workers rather than systemic failure); thirdly, the murderers tried to blame another one of their victims; finally, the fact that both murderers were women was highly unusual.

The case still appears in the Scottish media from time to time, but I notice that they focus on the stepmother and her supposed relationships in prison.

I appreciate an academic research article looking at children killed by parents/step,parents over a 10 year period isnt going to be popular on a thread where assertion, prejudice and opinion dominates.

but here's a link to that article - https://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0058981

Over the 10 year period in question, 6144 people were convicted of homicide. 297 were filicides (ie parents killing their children) and 45 cases were filicide-suicides (killing your children, then killing yourself). 195 (66%) perpetrators were fathers.

What I found of interest in light of posters' assertions that it's always the step father is that in 80% of cases the perpetrators are killing their biological child/children and not a stepchild/children.

Clearly it's the step parent killing the non biological children - even though in the minority - that is treated as being more newsworth.

"Biological and Step-parents
Two hundred and thirty-seven perpetrators (80%) killed a ‘biological’ child/children. Of the 60 perpetrators who killed a step-child, 1 (2%) was killed by a step-mother; 59 (98%) by a step-father; no adoptive parents committed filicide"

No it isn't.

https://www.uea.ac.uk/about/news/article/stepfathers-cinderella-effect-challenged-by-new-study

This study suggests other risk factors such as young paternal age rather than just being unrelated.

But staying single for your kids isn’t a sacrifice you have to make unless you personally want to. It could be quite soul destroying to read this stuff if you have a young child and are being told that you’re not a good mum if you get a partner. The “solution” of dating away from kids will probably only attract casual commitment phobes as mates - most people want a partner to share their lives with - not snatched dates here and there for fifteen years and never meeting their kids. There’s a woman on another thread who had a relationship like that, turned out her guy was married all along and people on there are saying to her how dumb she was and how it wasn’t a real relationship to begin with. Yet that sort of thing is what is being suggested.

Basically whether you decide to have kids with someone or introduce a new partner, you take a risk. Biological dads are not automatically “safe” due to the biology. Case in point Fred West and numerous other cretins who have killed or hurt their children over time, whether or not they are still together with the mother.

I was responding to a post that said that the fairytales had a point about evil stepmothers. I was pointing out that true tend to give the biological dads a totally free pass while the stepmum is evil.
I know it’s set at a time when famine was common. First, most parents would probably have gone without themselves before letting their children starve. Second, the getting lost in the woods was depicted as an evil thing, not a normal thing, and both the dad and the stepmum participated in it but the stepmum got all the blame and the kids then happily reunited with their dad who had tried to kill them twice.

This is nothing new.

Statistically speaking, the biggest indicator or risk of child abuse is that the child lives with a step parent. That’s not a guarantee, but having a step parent means a child is much more likely to suffer abuse than one living with their biological parents.

But there’s also plenty of research showing that being raised by a single mother decreases life chances and achievements for a child so 🤷‍♀️

Luckily the press have shut up about the “scourge” of single motherhood in the past decades or so but it wasn’t that long ago that people were saying that staying single for the sake of your kids wasn’t a good thing and that the kids lacked male role models.

Basically you can never win and there are always more complex reasons than just having a partner = immediate danger.

As for all the “if DH died, I’d never date”. Well statistically you probably would actually because most people do and it’s all good saying stuff like that when you are married and are just hypothesising.

Most children are raised by single parents let’s be honest. The first time my ex-husband ever contributed to financially towards his kids was the day of the child support agency made him. He had the shock of his life

This

I think these mothers don’t get to know the partner before moving them in and expecting to play happy families. I suspect a lot of the time they are prepared to overlook the less savoury aspects of the partner’s character in order to have a boyfriend. Then the boyfriend is given priority over the child. That’s how I see it anyway

@MyrtlethePurpleTurtle the article you have linked is very interesting, but surely it's not directly about the same topic. It's about Mental Illness in Those Who Kill Their Children, rather than those who aren't the biological parent.

To echo most others, I would remain single if I were not with DH, almost entirely for this reason alone.

But no one wants to talk about the fact that Isabella's mother was a nursery worker. I used work in the Jobcentre 16 years ago and the amount of thick, dodgy, nasty-seeming, troubled, uncompassionate, vulnerable and otherwise inadequate young women who had previously even working in nurseries terrified me and when I went on to have my own DC it was out of the question that any of them would go to nursery, and we made huge sacrifices to ensure they didn't have to. Obviously there are lots of wonderful people who work in nurseries, but plenty that I wouldn't trust with a cat let alone my child.

if I ever ended up single, I don’t think I could ever bring another man into our home. It would always be in the back of my mind, what if it’s the kids he wants access to? Even the nicest guy out there, you just don’t know do you. And I know that’s sad. I had the loveliest step dad as a kid (still do) he’s the best dad I could ever wish for.

I wonder if the ex-husbands feel the same when introducing new partners? I doubt it.

But it isn't the same. Women are statistically far less likely to kill their stepchild, and very few dads have majority custody. There's still risk, but it's dramatically less than the threat posed by an unrelated man living with the child.

@sprigatito My ex-husband has majority custody. The first time they met his new girlfriend was when they walked in on her in his bed.
But I should remain single for the rest of my life, right?
I'm very happily remarried btw. My husband is also not an abusive narc like my first one was.

It’s not a step parent though, is it? It’s the introduction of a new boyfriend

I think men should take more care when introducing new partners tbh if that’s what you’re hinting at?

I’m aghast at the amount of men who parade their kids on dating apps in an effort to look like good fathers and the ones who invite women in their kids life irrespective of the impact it will have.

Many women are emotionally abusive to or sideline their partners children. I’ve had men basically brag that if I don’t want their kids around or to live with them they can make sure that happens. They’re either lying to try and get with me since I said I don’t want to raise other men’s kids - or they are serious and are awful fathers. Well either way they are terrible dads.

Meeting a decent man and marrying him was the best thing I could have done for my kids.
At least now, for some of the time, they have seen what a healthy relationship looks like.
They have learned that women are not just there to "serve" men, for example. That is is "normal" for a hisband to show affection to his wife. That is good for both parties to work equally as a team. That respect and love matter.

@Wakeywakie Absolutely this. I once dated a man who told me initially he had three kids whom he saw EOW. I was fine with that, having got two of my own.
Later found out he actually had 5; two he never saw.
Got rid of him after that. Disgusting.

@everychildmatters nobody is providing a personalised critique of you and the people in your life. We don't know them. The cold fact is that statistically your husband poses a greater risk to your children's safety than his girlfriend does. Men are far,far more likely to kill their stepchildren than women are. Like all violent crimes, men are the majority of perpetrators.

@sprigatito So do you believe that all single mothers should remain single for the rest of their lives?

I haven't followed all cases lately, but isn't there another pattern? Something like being from poor and struggling families, maybe having mothers with some history of being abuse victims?

Yes, it is dutiful when someone makes a choice to stay a solo parent, but I'd guess that being able to make such a decision (having good enough job options/housing options/health/family support/other kind of capital) could decrease statistical risks of bringing in a new partner to the extent that this sacrifice isn't really necessary.

People who are confident that they have the choice typically have a better options to choose from and are able to change the decision if it doesn't work well.

Well research suggests that’s not good for the children either. Basically nobody can win and it’s best to follow your own instincts and do what you think is best.
And you are entirely right that it is good to have a good role model of relationships for children. Seeing one person on their own year in year out and knowing that it’s a sacrifice they are making for you is probably not a great thing either. Lots of kids then feel responsible for the parent and yes, they haven’t seen a functioning relationship in their immediate family.