TW To notice that a lot of child murders have one thing in common

[Worldinyourhands]

Has anyone else noticed the chilling common theme in the child murders that keep being reported (it feels like) in recent times? There's another today, and as soon as I read the heartbreaking report, that same factor jumped out yet again.

An unrelated partner being involved in the child's life. A parent and a boyfriend/girlfriend or (less commonly) new husband/wife.

Before anyone jumps on me, I'm obviously OBVIOUSLY not saying that step parents are all evil. Nor am I saying that biological parents can't be evil. In all the cases I'm thinking of, the biological parents were totally complicit.

But I am wondering if there needs to be some more red flags raised when school or social workers or whoever become aware that a child is having to live with a parent's romantic partner. Particularly a young child or a new partner, though I'm aware of at least one case involving a teenager (it broke my heart - I'm not naming any of the children on this post, but there have been multiple over the past few years). Not doing a poll either as it's too flippant.

But has anyone else noticed this factor coming up time and time again? And does anyone else think that this aspect of safeguarding seems to be missed - presumably because we place far too much value on the parent's perceived 'right' to have a live-in romantic partner and not enough weight on the chlld's right not to live with an unrelated adult who doesn't love them?

I think they should keep dating outside the home until the youngest child is 18. Safer and generally better for the children. Lots of abusive men are wonderful, charming and respectful, btw. Until they aren't.

@sprigatito With respect, may I ask if you have yourself ever been a single parent?
My case is unusual (thankfully), but I married very young and by my 30th birthday could no longer bear the abuse of being married to an incredibly controlling narc. I left him when I was early 30s.
He told me I would "lose my sons" as punishment and he was pretty successful in fooling the "professionals"; he was awarded 50/50 when the children were just 3 and 6 (later further alienated them to have majority custody). I became suicidal on various occasions (planned and with intent).
I was a single parent for about 4 years, not introducing my sons to anyone whatsoever. Primary teacher, entirely financially independent and privately renting (ex also a financial controller).
But life was incredibly lonely as I was on my own the majority. I cautiously started to date. Met my now husband. He had no children - when I turned 39 we made the decision to try for a baby and we now have our 4 yo daughter. He is an inspirational stepdad. My sons adore their sister. I am finally the mum I was never permitted to be to my first two children.
I'm 44 now and for the first time in my entire life I am content and loved. I was never going to let an abuser ruin my life any more than he had done already.

That's correct by it's never acknowledged in risk assessments

When you say "generally better for the children", what exactly do you mean by that?

The poster just above you talks about some aspects why it isn't really better for the children - missing the experience of observing a functioning relationship with love and teamwork between adults and the child growing a feeling of responsibility for their lonely parent being two of them.

There are many cases when the step parenting works fine.

It might not even be statistically safer in the end, because social expectation of forever solo parenting would discourage women in abusive/troublesome relationships from leaving.

We need a society where women believe that ending an abusive/unsafe relationship is a viable choice, not one punishing them for doing so. That alone would help in majority of those sad cases.

@everychildmatters , I’m in a similar situation . My ex had an affair when dd1 was 3 months old, so we obviously split . My ex stopped seeing her altogether when she was 5 . I met my new partner when she was 4 and she considers him her Dad . The difficult behaviour came from my exes new partner before he stopped seeing dd.

I've been single since my DC were 2 1/2 & 8 months old because I am petrified of somthing happening to them

It's just not worth the risk is it. My thoughts have never been murder, more along the lines of SA.

I was in an abusive relationship with their dad for 7 years and I'm already well aware that I can ( maybe could? ) be easily manipulated and gaslit.

Somtimes it makes me sad that I'll be single until their adults as i would of liked 1 more DC. But I just cant risk anything happening to them

I have also noticed that too, and I am sure the younger the child is, the greater their vulnerability, some are less verbal than others so lack of witnesses.

The child is an inconvenience to the killer who wants undivided attention from the mother whose priorities should always be for the safety and wellbeing of their child but become manipulated and warped. The killer gains the mothers trust and isolates the child, then worse happens behind closed doors.

Legislation is needed to enable authorities to be able to intervene in the early stages of a relationship breakup where children are involved which is not what most people want as they could argue that it becoming a nanny state but the message is not getting through to the parents that small children could be at risk of new partners, hence the tragedies in the media.

My examples are including babies but I am well aware that kids up to the age of 10 and 11 could also be at risk, after the recent tragedy in the media.

All mothers of children need to keep their wits about them and be cautious about introducing new partners to their young babies.

With social services and children's services on the brink due to lack of staff and lack of funding, authorities can only intervene when its too late, unless awareness is spread and prevention is always better than cure.

This is true.

We cannot focus on the last thing that happened that led to a tragedy, it is all the chain of unfortunate events from years past that caused the issue.

You don’t get your children in danger for finding a new partner, you do as a result of a life time of abuse or behaviours that erode your boundaries and inform your decisions.

It Is on point because it looks at the whole data set of people who kill their children (before digging into the subset of those with mental illness). It's a hell of a lot more on point than 'oh it's always the stepfather'