TW To notice that a lot of child murders have one thing in common

[Worldinyourhands]

Has anyone else noticed the chilling common theme in the child murders that keep being reported (it feels like) in recent times? There's another today, and as soon as I read the heartbreaking report, that same factor jumped out yet again.

An unrelated partner being involved in the child's life. A parent and a boyfriend/girlfriend or (less commonly) new husband/wife.

Before anyone jumps on me, I'm obviously OBVIOUSLY not saying that step parents are all evil. Nor am I saying that biological parents can't be evil. In all the cases I'm thinking of, the biological parents were totally complicit.

But I am wondering if there needs to be some more red flags raised when school or social workers or whoever become aware that a child is having to live with a parent's romantic partner. Particularly a young child or a new partner, though I'm aware of at least one case involving a teenager (it broke my heart - I'm not naming any of the children on this post, but there have been multiple over the past few years). Not doing a poll either as it's too flippant.

But has anyone else noticed this factor coming up time and time again? And does anyone else think that this aspect of safeguarding seems to be missed - presumably because we place far too much value on the parent's perceived 'right' to have a live-in romantic partner and not enough weight on the chlld's right not to live with an unrelated adult who doesn't love them?

It's mostly always men. I too am sick of male violence.

I never brought a man into our home because I wanted a safe space for us. But you see it all the time. They meet and the man moves in quickly. It's always the DC who lose out.

My horrible ex neighbour did it time and time again. Even when she lost custody she didn't care. Because the menz ...

I told my husband if my child so much as flinches by him he's gone!

Will never understand why these women stand by and let a man hit and abuse their child.
Is having a man, any man, so important that they let their child be abused?
I’m talking here about the latest tragic case of Isabella Jonas- Wheildon.

Star Hobson came under this category OP

On my last safeguarding training (teacher) we were told that a step parent entering the household a child lives in is the biggest risk factor for a child in terms of child abuse. Bloody eye opening. And depressingly true in my experience.

I do, they were happy to abuse their kids for minutes of attention from a celebrity and saw them as offerings. Like I said, not all bio parents love, like or want their kids.

Yes, I chose not to have a new relationship after my ex left us partly because at the time I had young children - my youngest was two. I’m not saying I would have made a bad choice but I felt it easier not to have the worry.

Is having a man, any man, so important that they let their child be abused?

For some of them, yes, it is.

I've worked around social services and what I've seen means I would never remarry if I got divorced from my husband. Pretty much all the cases where the child was being directly physically, sexually or emotionally abused, a stepparent is involved. The cases where they're witnessing DV but not "directly" harmed themselves or their needs were being neglected were more evenly split between bio and step parents. But the most awful cases nearly always involve "blended families".

In the cases where it is "just" strained relationships between parent and older child and the kid going off the rails, there's almost always a step-parent involved or a series of casual partners moving in and out. And usually younger half siblings who are treated much better than the older ones (for as long as dad sticks around, at least).

Couldn't agree more. Or date have a bf but don't bring him home, or around the kids.
Yes I've had mixed views on not settling not bringing guy home etc.

Yes but you can’t take the families involved in the care system as evidence of what would happen if you yourself remarried. Yes these families are highly chaotic and will involve a carousel of new partners, many of whom will have criminal convictions. Guessing not many of the step parents you saw were teachers, doctors, lawyers etc.

I think this applies in some cases, even where there hasn't been abuse.
Mum gets a bf, sees him when she can and because of having a child/work/etc it's hard to get time away.
So bf goes to the home, great if years down the line it works out, but still an initial risk.

@Worldinyourhands yup that's where the problem lies woefully undertrained and in a lot of cases just incompetent wet blankets, high case load or not. For me they always tend to be a 'type' and it's the complete opposite of what is needed in the role. I TOTALLY agree it's a Cinderella service but even with more funding I don't think it would help - it wouldn't be spent wisely.

It’s so often the case

the child is in the way, they get jealous they don’t have paternal feelings toward the child/children

and social services too often have their hands tied and can’t just take a child away they need to have more powers and less focus on working with a parent to become a better parent many are selfish at just don’t care enough but we don’t want to accept this

Worth reading the book Stepmonster

In my experience working with these women it's usually because they themselves have been bought up in chaotic, violent and dysfunctional households. It's almost normal for them.

They are also usually unemployed with limited education and not much prospects for the future. Low intelligence and additional needs. And the abusers have similar backgrounds too. Quite often drug use in the mix.

Being something out of folklore shouldn’t make it underestimated. Quite the opposite. If it’s been around forever, then maybe there’s a reason for it.

Indeed if you were so inclined, you might point out that this is yet another example of:

• our predecessors are well aware of problem A
• our predecessors develop a whole system B in order to suppress A
• we junk B in the name of progressive value C
• we get bewildered and unhappy when A reappears
• brows furrowed, we imagine fantasy bureaucracies which will stop A while we frolic with C
• let’s not forget to work hard at reassuring ourselves that there’s no link between C and A
• job done, we get to relax and forget about A for a bit
• we do not, under any circumstances, contemplate that our predecessors might have been onto something

Please can we stop talking about victims of sexual abuse as being more likely to be abusers? It’s deeply insulting and isn’t actually true.

If it was the case, then most abusers would be female. But look at the tiny number of female sex abusers ( almost every female sex offender turns out to have changed gender)

yes,many abusers are unhappy people, and may have experienced adverse experiences as children, but that’s true of the wider population.

Abuse is depressingly common and so statistically some paedophiles will have suffered abuse at some point.

Also many lie about it to gain sympathy or somehow explain their actions

@Worldinyourhands

'That's true. Social workers are woefully under-resourced. (I also from experience with a family member don't think they're always the best trained or most competent - probably goes back to the lack of resources and desperation for staff.)'

Again I agree, and their understanding of how DV works/the persons mind, motives,actions etc. They don't get it. a
And minimise and put you in a worse off position.

I agree. My other observation is that SS need to stop trying to keep abused or at risk children with their family. There should be no second chances.

@Ebeneser

I've just read that article. The mother had only known the boyfriend for 5 months before she left him babysit her child. I don't understand how a mother can leave a small child with a boyfriend they've only known for 5 months.

Same!
Didn't that happen with that ex footballer, he was the bf, the mother wasn't there not sure where she had gone, but he was 'looking after' the baby/child.

Whenever posters suggest that someone financially struggling gets a lodger I always recoil at the possibility of an unrelated adult in the house.

The majority of children victimised by paedophiles are female. The Majority of paedophiles are male.

Another thing that jumped out at me is the removal of the child from school. "Home schooling" of children who are known to Social Services should not be allowed - in fact, there should be tighter regs across the board. Regular home visits by Ofsted.