TW To notice that a lot of child murders have one thing in common

[Worldinyourhands]

Has anyone else noticed the chilling common theme in the child murders that keep being reported (it feels like) in recent times? There's another today, and as soon as I read the heartbreaking report, that same factor jumped out yet again.

An unrelated partner being involved in the child's life. A parent and a boyfriend/girlfriend or (less commonly) new husband/wife.

Before anyone jumps on me, I'm obviously OBVIOUSLY not saying that step parents are all evil. Nor am I saying that biological parents can't be evil. In all the cases I'm thinking of, the biological parents were totally complicit.

But I am wondering if there needs to be some more red flags raised when school or social workers or whoever become aware that a child is having to live with a parent's romantic partner. Particularly a young child or a new partner, though I'm aware of at least one case involving a teenager (it broke my heart - I'm not naming any of the children on this post, but there have been multiple over the past few years). Not doing a poll either as it's too flippant.

But has anyone else noticed this factor coming up time and time again? And does anyone else think that this aspect of safeguarding seems to be missed - presumably because we place far too much value on the parent's perceived 'right' to have a live-in romantic partner and not enough weight on the chlld's right not to live with an unrelated adult who doesn't love them?

Yes, I think it's likely that men with bad intentions towards children seek out single mothers. Not necessarily sexual intentions (though I know the precise cause of death may not be mentioned when it was sexual), but also men with 'complicated psychology' who need to exert power over vulnerable people; no-one's more vulnerable than a baby. They're usually controlling the mother as well.

People do inadvertently kill infants if they lose it when the baby won't stop crying. But I suspect those people are usually the mothers, who can be viscerally affected by their distressed child (and may have PND/PPP). A man getting pissed off by a wailing infant's more likely to just walk out, I'd have thought.

~ I don't have data on this, I'm just thinking it through.

I completely agree with you.

That's a good point. And it's a tough one to raise because talking about things like 'family values' is seen as right wing these days, and bundled up with other things like homophobia, which is obviously not acceptable at all.

Very good point - absolutely right! The wicked stepmothers exist but the dangerous stepfathers are the ones we see most often on these news stories.

A biological mother and father both love and care deeply for their child and want the best.

You never met my Dad, then.

I've just read that article. The mother had only known the boyfriend for 5 months before she left him babysit her child. I don't understand how a mother can leave a small child with a boyfriend they've only known for 5 months.

Agreed - although it’s not something I’ve done personally. I stayed single to give my children a stable life and I work to pay for a home by myself - although I sacrifice to afford that. My ex uses loopholes in the CMS laws to pay no maintenance for our children and the government does nothing about it. If he won’t pay to support the lives he created, then he should be in prison. People go to prison for not paying other debts but there’s a lot of men out there getting away with leaving all the parental responsibility to the mother.

It is the women who let these men into their children's lives then turn their backs when it happens because they are too twisted to think having any man is better than none.

And how do you 'turn' gay?

Oh yes, all those nasty wimmin🙄 and the horrible thing is that women push that trope. I despair, I really do

Can we not blame women for male violence today, I’m fed up of it. Violent men will be violent whether the women “let” them in to their homes or not.

please read the comment above that another poster made about financial pressures adding to a woman’s need to have a partner in order to support herself - again backed by evidence of the motherhood tax.

and she said “turns out” not just turns.

Stepmother folklore isn't that much about the evils of the "step" part, it is about less than ideal parents in general, and the step part just makes it psychologically nicer for a story we tell children. It would be much worse for the listeners if it was the Cinderella's own mum and a golden sister.

I don't know whether more children are living with unrelated adults now, widows/widowers with small children and new partners were quite common in past, maybe there was a short period when people generally lived longer and the divorce rate hadn't caught up yet and things are coming back to normal now.

There are many families with step parents which work great and provide stability and love for their children, but no-one writes about them.

Those high risk cases are generally known to school/social services. We need better support for them, not demonisation of people who are trying to make the life work.

Absolutely, child maintenance dodgers should be in jail. Didn't they just jail a guy for two years or something for selling dodgy firesticks? What a joke.

the poster said she hopes her daughter “turns out” gay, not “turns”

I 100% agree with this.

You also have to realise that some men seek out single women to abuse children. Doesn't help the statistics.

Yes I totally agree with this too. I'm not a teacher but I've personally reported a safeguarding concern about a child some years ago (that I was 100% confident about, so not even a maybe situation) and nothing was done. If anything, I was lightly told off by the social worker I spoke to, in a 'mum is probably doing her best' kind of way! Child is irreversibly damaged by what was going on in their house now.

Obviously, there are exceptions. But this should be the case. Why have children otherwise? But that another topic....

When I divorced my ex my children were all small and I had full custody. I made a promise to myself I would never live with anyone until they were all safely off to uni. Eldest is in first year, middle one in A levels and the last is doing GCSEs.

I’ve had an absolute ball dating, much more fun than my 16 years with the ex. These days I have a fairly significant ‘other’ but I don’t live with him, he doesn’t stay overnight, the kids didn’t meet him until I had known him for almost a year, and everyone knows that they are my absolute priority.
I have never understood women who turn to a new man and start that awful fawning dance and let a stranger come in to their children’s lives like that.

It is another topic, it's all over these boards any day of the week. Your sweeping and rather rose-tinted statement is highly falsifiable, so I raised that point. My childhood was, sadly, not particularly unusual.

You sound very secure.

Can I ask if you worked, have any kind of disability, whether your partner paid CM, whether you had a secure home in place ie owned your own home or paid rent, had parents or family to support your choices?

these are all reasons why women turn to men, who statistically earn more, to assist with living costs to support them. It’s often that or absolute poverty in some cases.

When I was studying a social work degree around 11-12 years ago, my tutor had just written a paper entitled Who Kills Children? and his findings were heavily indicative that the primary perpetrators are step parents.

however those are still a minority of step parents. People do need to be more careful and more sensitive to their children’s needs, for sure, but the majority would not need social care intervention.

Do agree that child protection is woefully under-resourced, though, and often a job taken by less experienced (and less burnt out) social workers.

The comments upthread about the 'evil stepmother' trope remind me of my feelings about that phrase "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned".

Men who feel rejected routinely commit murder and mass murder and serial murder but yeah, sure, "no fury like a woman". Right.

@Worldinyourhands I thought this was common knowledge. For an adult to abuse a child, two criteria need to be met: 1. access to a child, and 2. an opportunity to offend. Step parents can easily fulfil both criteria.

Tbh what scares me is the mother being complicit in allowing the new partner to abuse her child in so many cases. It's documented time and time again. Some mothers collude, others allow it to happen when they're not present and the child is left with the new bloke.

I don’t disagree that women and mothers can be abusers.

However “allow it to happen” is loaded

could that be the child is in the step partners care whilst she goes to work, as that may be the ONLY childcare option available due to lack of support.

lack of support which probably placed her in a position vulnerable to a predatory man in the first place