TW To notice that a lot of child murders have one thing in common

[Worldinyourhands]

Has anyone else noticed the chilling common theme in the child murders that keep being reported (it feels like) in recent times? There's another today, and as soon as I read the heartbreaking report, that same factor jumped out yet again.

An unrelated partner being involved in the child's life. A parent and a boyfriend/girlfriend or (less commonly) new husband/wife.

Before anyone jumps on me, I'm obviously OBVIOUSLY not saying that step parents are all evil. Nor am I saying that biological parents can't be evil. In all the cases I'm thinking of, the biological parents were totally complicit.

But I am wondering if there needs to be some more red flags raised when school or social workers or whoever become aware that a child is having to live with a parent's romantic partner. Particularly a young child or a new partner, though I'm aware of at least one case involving a teenager (it broke my heart - I'm not naming any of the children on this post, but there have been multiple over the past few years). Not doing a poll either as it's too flippant.

But has anyone else noticed this factor coming up time and time again? And does anyone else think that this aspect of safeguarding seems to be missed - presumably because we place far too much value on the parent's perceived 'right' to have a live-in romantic partner and not enough weight on the chlld's right not to live with an unrelated adult who doesn't love them?

@MrsGreenTop

My ex uses loopholes in the CMS laws to pay no maintenance for our children and the government does nothing about it. If he won’t pay to support the lives he created, then he should be in prison. People go to prison for not paying other debts but there’s a lot of men out there getting away with leaving all the parental responsibility to the mother.

Very well said!
And I agree things need to be tougher.
However I can just see the government saying we can't do that, our prisons are full!
CMS to me is slow, and not so effective.

It’s nowhere near that and also the Cinderella effect has been debunked a long time ago - it’s very old research.

The Cinderella effect is not research itself it is a theory that has since been supported by many research studies. More recent research has found that it is more nuanced than that but most research at least partially supports the theory. In particular research finds that men in new relationships are more likely to kill children of their partners. So potentially unfair to call them "stepfathers"

www.bbc.com/news/education-45731941.amp

Here was a thread on here started by a young single mum ( early twenties). She had a one year old. She had just moved in with her new boyfriend ( not the child's dad) and was upset that the boyfriend didn't pull his weight with childcare and didn't act like her kid's dad ( he wasn't) . He was also very young.
The situation had potential disaster written all over it and yet plenty of posters claimed that no one should expect a single mother to live 'like a nun'. The poster claimed that most of her friends were single mothers and they were all dating.
It just seemed dangerous to me. I think a lot of posters on MN expect a new man to take on financial and emotional responsibility for his partner's existing children. They do not expect it from a step mother.
We are biologically programmed to love and want to nurture our own children. It is why kindred fostering/adoption is preferred if possible.
There needs to be more awareness that a new man living intimately with young unrelated children is not a good idea.

Is it really though? Going by the number of cocklodgers we see on MN posts that are moved into the child's homr within a year or so of the breakup with the other parent that are actually financially supported by the mother I m not so sure. Are most of these abusers and murders out working a fulltime job and paying the bills?

Wouldn't it be good if known abusive men weren't allowed to get a slap on the wrist as punishment or no punishment at all and go straight back into abusing more people. Why would they bother acting like decent people when they can already do what they like without any consequences?

@Namechangefordaughterevasion I can't think of a single case where a child experiencing newsworthy abuse was in the care of both biological parents.

Fred & Rose West, but they're almost the exception that proves the rule. And of course Rose was also a stepmother, she murdered her stepdaughter Charmaine.

i agree Whiteskies

i have always been a single mum and was single from early on in pregnancy

I choose not to have a serious relationship as my ds comes first not my romantic life but so many people around me wanted me to find a good man

i am older but also wiser and see how often this is damaging towards children

we need to move away from the idea that women need a partner by their side to become whole we don’t and yes children should come before your own relationships you have time to have these in life but a damaged childhood can not be undone

Social work is hugely understaffed and the pressures of trying to manage the risks leads to burnout. Unfortunately, before burnout comes poor practice - sometimes unintentionally and sometimes not. There is too much pressure put on newly qualified and inexperienced social workers. My local authority has resorted to recruiting social workers from South Africa. The difference in standard of practice is shocking. They don’t train here so don’t know our laws and there is a massive difference in cultures and the role of social workers in each country. It’s a disaster waiting to happen

Which is exactly why I will not have another relationship until my children are over 18.

To be honest I’m not that bothered about ever having another relationship. Decent men are few and far between and I’m happier single than I ever was in a relationship.

You're not mental at all, you're a good mother who puts her children first. So many single parents do not!

There's emotional abuse too, not only physical. Just look at the posts on MN where the step child is viewed as a nuisance and a cuckoo in the next. Women abuse too, but the abuse is often emotional.

I agree that new step parents are a risk, but it is naive to think biological parents are incapable of harming their children. That’s why so many end up in care.

You are right of course but I also think the demise of the extended family is contributing.
Within my own circumstances, my grandparents basically forced my father to not be an arsehole
The minute my Nanna was dead he became what he always was but he had to keep the act up while she was watching

I'm social worker and this is something that is well documented in research and serious case reviews. It's been the same for years. When children are on child protection plans police checks are completed for anyone coming in to the family and the assessments look at everyone involved with the family. As a parent myself and knowing what I know I would always do a Clare's Law request and really get to know anyone before introducing them to my children.

This!!!

I have a family member who was seriously harmed by their own father. A tiny baby at the time. Broken ribs and arm fractures. He got six months in prison. To run concurrently with another violent crime he was already in prison for at the time of sentencing. So he did no extra time. Went unpunished while his victim still carries the physical and emotional scars into their adulthood. Effing disgrace.

Children have been left with new boyfriends while mother goes out shopping or whatever-
Often the boyfriend is a “Gamer” online- and he has killed or seriously harmed the child ( Child probably crying for mother) and the boyfriend just loses it.

It’s desperately dangerous to leave a man you don’t know with a young child.

This 100%

I have to disagree. As a step-parent, I find it hard to see what exactly could be flagged, how it would be monitored, who would be responsible for carrying out checks, and, most importantly, what those checks would even consist of.

In my opinion, the real issue lies elsewhere. Far too oftenthough not alwayswomen leaving abusive relationships end up in new relationships with similarly abusive partners. This is a well-documented psychological pattern known as repetition compulsion, where individuals unconsciously recreate traumatic dynamics. That, I believe, is where the real problem lies.

Is it step parent or step father, statistically speaking?

I think beneath this notable step parent theme in such cases lies the larger issue - these are families living chaotic lives 99.9% of the time. None of the adults involved appear capable of making educated, positive decisions regarding their own lives never mind the lives of their children. Their own upbringings often seem to be have been marred by poverty, abuse or trauma. They choose to be with people who enable the cycle to perpetuate, they escalate behaviour that at best, was a bit lacking, prior to being with the new partner and the children suffer in the worst ways.

How come there are no fairytales about wicked step fathers then? Because they are the issue and there are countless step mums who feed, clothe, cook for, care for, drop off at school their stepkids because the biological father can’t be bothered. There are a few bad eggs but generally they do a huge amount of unappreciated work and still get slammed. Stepdads get lauded and congratulated for “taking on” kids as their own yet they tend to do very little in terms of childcare. In fact, loads of stepdads tend to have very little time alone with their step kids when the mum isn’t there yet they still manage to abuse and kill them far more frequently than step mums who very often care for step kids on their own.

Also it pisses me off big time that the dad in the fairy tales gets off scot free. So Handsel and Gretel’s stepmum suggests they get the kids lost in the woods so they die and they don’t have to look after them. The dad is all like “yeah sure” and this happens TWICE. Then at the end the stepmum is dead and the kids are happily reunited with their piece of shit father WHO LEFT THEM TO DIE IN THE WOODS TWICE BECAUSE HIS WIFE SUGGESTED IT. Get to fuck. They hated women and people still do.

Yes, I have definitely noticed that some people go from one abusive relationship to another - like where do they find these awful men?

Often collecting kids along the way with these awful men.
It’s one thing allowing oneself to be put at risk, but putting step children in harm’s way is really selfish.

I will look at this syndrome- Not heard of it before, but have heard of “trauma bonding”.

When I go onto the website of our local newspaper I see cases of rape, sexual assault, paedophilia, stabbings, robbery and dangerous driving and I can guarantee that the vast majority of perpetrators are male. It is true that there are male victims but the offenders are men. These are just local cases that will never make the national news and of course this will be replicated in towns and cities throughout the country. I have been the victim of sexual assault twice and when my child was a teenager they were mugged, a female family member was attacked and in each of these incidents the perpetrators were male. Not all men, but almost always a man

I've often said that if dh and I ever split up, I'd not be getting with anyone else until my dc were adults for this very reason. Unfortunately predatory men prey on single women with young children. Of course it's 'not all men' but I'd never trust anyone enough to take that risk.

Well yeah anything that occurs too quick points to dysfunction behind it. Such as moving a boyfriend in after a week.

To the best of my knowledge lesbians don't prowl the streets looking for vulnerable people to assault.