(CW Child abuse) Why do mothers not protect their children from abusive boyfriends

[OutWithTheMule]

There has been another horrific child abuse death and I have noticed in the majority of these cases the mothers boyfriend has been abusing the child, and the mother is aware and allows it to happen, and usually protects them by trying to cover it up from the police after the fact.

In the awful case that has been in the news today the mother had only been with her boyfriend for 36 days. She allowed the abuse to continue because she didn't want him to leave her. How the fuck can you choose someone you have known 36 days over your own child!?

I just can't understand why these women choose their boyfriends over their children, if anyone laid a finger on my daughter I would flay them!! Even if you wouldn't physically intervene you would take your child and leave surely? If the boyfriend isn't the child's father they have no access to them if you just take them somewhere else. I know women are sometimes scared to leave abusive partners but often in these stories the partner is not abusing the mother, they are only abusing the child and the mother either passively allows it or sometimes joins in.

I understand that the fault lies with the boyfriends obviously, they are monsters and there is no excusing their actions, it's horrific. But it makes sense, violent men abuse children, it's straightforward as disgusting as it is. What I cannot understand for the life of me is why a mother would allow a boyfriend to harm their child or actively choose a boyfriend over their child. It just doesn't make any sense to me. Can anyone shed any light on these women's behaviour?

Because thry are never held to account this faux 'women are saints' and never responsible for their actions

They can't think for themselves and are desperate for attention and weak they blame everyone else 'he made me love him' and usually go from useless partner to the next and don't have one real thought in their head

They bring these 'animal' into their children's lives then act surprised when social services comes knocking

They want babies but don't want the responsibility that comes with it and yes they should be equally charged

This woman was given 10 years for allowing the death of a child which to me is not long enough.

I also want to know why the family courts seem it acceptable to award custody to abusive fathers?

Well a child can have 2 abusive parents so sadly maybe the less abusive one? Because again family courts have to pick up the pieces of adults decisions who put themselves first

That's a different conversation.

In this case and many other the child would have been safer with their father.

I think it's really difficult without being able to fully understand the circumstances of the mother. For example she could have a history of complex trauma that's made her particularly vulnerable to manipulaton or control- the exact type of person a predatory/ abusive individual would seek out to gain access to children and often children are used as weapons to further abuse a mother. Possibly the mother has grown up with extensive abuse and its become normalised in some way.

Obviously women aren't always saints and there are unfortunately many women out there who cause significant harm but I don't think we can fully understand the dynamics of these types of situations without knowing someone's history, ability and circumstances. I think the issue is that whatever risk factors lead to this should have been picked up and better managed by community/statutory services.

I think we also need to acknowledge that domestic abuse can be very complex and there's lots of times where services and individuals don't recognise it. So just because it's not noted as a partner being abusive to a mother, doesn't mean that hasn't happened.

I think any scenario like the ones you mention are just incredibly hard to understand because it's utterly tragic and horrific to think of any child being treated in that way. It just doesn't bear thinking about really.

Because they are disfunctional. Or they wouldn't do it.

I asked that very question of my mum (When an adult.) She said she stuck with him (Step parent, can't get myself to call him 'dad' in any way.) as she was terrified of being on her own.

Yes their natural father or handed over to a step father?

I guess the easiest answer is that the mothers are just an evil piece of shit like their pathetic boyfriends.

Other reasons can be quite complex, such as mental health illness, trauma, being neurodivergent, the complexity of domestic violence, vulnerability, etc. Some men are very good at finding women like this for the sole purpose of abusing children..

Personally, I'll never understand it. If DH and I broke up, I probably wouldn't date again until my children were a lot older as I couldn't risk anything happening them.

Some women truly do value having a partner over the wellbeing of their children. You see it on here all the time-an idiot woman deciding to move some man into her child's home when they've been together a matter of weeks or months. Relationship is usually a piece of shit but still the women cling to the dick. They just simply love being fucked more than they love their own chidren.

These women are not helped by enablers that give excuses such as the women must've suffered trauma or be ND or whatever other nonsense.

Some mothers are just selfish. It doesn’t matter to them if their child is suffering as long as no one else can tell.

I have a friend who has adopted 4 children. She's constantly doing work shops, working with SS, attending counselling with the children and also for her self.
She has been prewarned that the children she has adopted (she has 3 biological children also) are prone to getting into these toxic relationships, they get trauma bonded very fast, fail to see red flags etc.

I can remember reading children that have been SA'ed are more likely to SA children into adult hood by a vast amount. I should imagine that also applies to all forms of abuse including sitting back whilst a "father" figure lays into a small child.

The woman who pushed her dead child around in a pushchair for 3 days should have got the same sentence as her boyfriend. In fact probably longer than the killer. Having a child is a responsibility- her responsibility and she knowingly allowed her death.

I have a relative who constantly moved much older men into her home with her very young daughter. She was quite clear that she didn't want to be in her own and that was it

Within our family, her dad went out to work one day and literally just dropped dead and that was it. The whole family just fell apart from there onwards. Her mother was just trying to keep body and soul together and never offered any support to her teenage daughters which led them to being susceptible to predatory men.

Five years later, her mum died of brain cancer. And that was that the whole support system collapsed.
An alcoholic moved in and it was downhill from there onwards.

She’s never been able to survive without a man.
And her children paid the price.

Women are abusers, psychopaths, violent, thieves etc too. Just because they’re a ‘mum’ doesn’t make them Mary Poppins. Sad I know. I would defend my kids like a lioness so it’s hard to comprehend

That may well be true, but you have to realise often the fathers don’t want them.
Children make life incredibly difficult. And I’m sure I’ll get lambasted for it but most men do not want that level of difficulty. So they’ll either do a half arsed job - putting the children in dangeror the children won’t be any safer from abuse of a different type - usually psychological from the step mom.

Because the ‘you never know love until you’ve had a child’ spouted by mothers to the childfree clearly isn’t the case for everyone.

I would not be surprised if she refused to relinquish isabella to her parents as she didnt want to give up the "baby" translation money / benefits she was getting which she was using to buy crack cocaine for her and that scrote Scott

This latest case blows my mind.
Chelsea was a nursery worker!!!! You couldnt make it up.
She had a supportive family and had options for both her and isabella.

I cannot believe Chelsea only got 10 years and will be out in 5.... probably having more neglected abused kids for easy cash once out

Its an absolute travesty and that poor little soul isabella has been failed miserably by everyone including posthumously by the system.
The pictures of her laughing and smiling are heartbreaking. I have cried for her more than once.

The fact chelsea was laughing drinking taking selfies and pushing her dead child around town dumping shopping on her dead corpse for 3 DAYS is obscene.

The mothers nonchalance and frankly bizarre statement about how she wasnt even crying by the end and it was like "she just stopped feeling pain" comes across as her pretending isabella didnt die in agony.

Isabellas official cause of death was because bone marrow entered her bloodstream.
Bonemarrow. From inside your bones. Entered her bloodstream.
I cant even imagine the pain.
And before that she will have been screaming "mummy help me" which her mother sat watched and ignored.

Again, I’ve met plenty of Nursery workers I wouldn’t leave children with… another rather uncomfortable truth

OP you only have to read MN for a couple of weeks to see many women who will put up with mind-blowing crap, rather than be without a man.

So many posts say things like “DH is a good man, but DD (not his) winds him up, and sometimes he snaps. But the rest of the time we have a good life, he works hard to support us, and I couldn’t afford a nice house and garden on my own” etc etc. And those are the better ones. There are plenty of other posts saying things like “DH is an alcoholic and he smacks DS (not his) sometimes, because DS can be noisy. DH hits me too, but at other times he’s really loving”.

What annoys me is that these men who murder kids, and women who are complicit in it, often get out of prison in time to have more kids. And of course, with social services as stretched as they are, no one intervenes when they abuse the next lot of children. I think child murderers/facilitators should be sterilised.

I'm not saying this was the case here, but often the fathers aren't interested in being full-time single parents.

I've seen it. A mum at primary school came up to me in the playground (few years ago) and asked me where the best place to meet men was as she had just broken up with her partner and didn't like being single. I literally didn't know what to say to her. it might also explain why her child is a nightmare and I think was bullying mine.

Inadequate parents come in either gender. Thry put their own needs above the protection of their children. 😞