I know his secret…. Thread 3

[Waffletots]

Starting another thread because the last one is full.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5226374-i-know-his-secret-but-how-do-i-play-this?page=1

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5226809-i-know-his-secret-thread-2?page=1

Thank you so much everyone for your messages, I appreciate them so much and you have truly helped me this past crazy few days to know I have so many people supporting me.
I’ve seen a solicitor this afternoon who has given me some good advice regarding finances and the legalities when it comes to our jointly owned home, a lot to get my head around but I feel a lot more informed now!
I’ve missed two calls from my husband since I last updated, I’m worried he’s going to come to the house to try and speak to me but hoping he may think my brother is still here and not bother!

Oh OP we are right behind you! You’re doing so well! Well done at handling this situation with the grace and maturity you’ve shown.

sending love to you and your little one and your bump!

I am in awe at you strength OP, sending huge hugs.

Recommending any of Monty Don's audiobooks if you have any more trouble sleeping. They aren't boring but there's just something about his calm voice that sends me right off within about half an hour.
You are doing brilliantly. 💐

Oh i am glad you've been given some good advice @Waffletots . Have read all the previous threads, and i really feel for you. I have nothing of substance to add, but some men are just real pigs.. Be kind to yourself, and take help where it's genuinely offered. Much love. xo 😘

Thank you, I will definitely check this out tonight, I feel I may need it!

Have you got a plan, OP, for what to do if he does show up?

You're doing so well.

You are amazing Waffle - keep reaching out xx

I haven’t! I do have a chain on my front door I’ve put on but obviously he has keys for the back door too, legally I don’t think I could stop him coming into his own home but I really could do without the stress, I could stay with my parents but then I’m worried he’s could move back in whilst I’m gone and I need this home for my children. It’s such a mess!

Jamie Dornan has recorded a sleeping podcast on Audible, OP, it's called Sleep Sound and it's incredibly relaxing. I listened to it loads when my Dad was in his last weeks of life and I just couldn't sleep.

I've just read the post that a former midwife made on the last page of your last thread and I think that's great advice - have a family member there when he comes in to see the new baby when the time comes. He may count on your hormones/vulnerability into letting him back in, even if it's under the pretense of "helping you". He is probably going to want to take his paternity leave from work if he's requested it and isn't going to want to explain what's happened.........

I don't know about legalities of him accessing the house etc, is it possible your dad or you brother could message him and very calmly spell it out that he isn't welcome and any further conversation should be through your solicitor?

It is crucial you are as unstressed and as rested as possible over the next week or so, and if the threat of him coming to the home can be removed, that will help you hugely.

Is It possible for someone to move in with you just now OP? Either your brother, sis in law or even parents? Just for a few days or a week or two to keep you company and help with your wee one while you get some rest?

It might be worth asking one of them to be your ‘go between’. At some point he will need to see your dc and you might find it easier just now having communication go through another family member. Plus your DC will no doubt be missing their dad (I’m not saying that’s your fault in any way!).

Thanks for the update OP. Probably nobody here knows you but an awful lot of strangers are rooting for you.

You’re going to be living in the house and he’ll have to stay elsewhere for the time being at least. If there’s money in a joint account to cover bills, I’d suggest moving all of it into your own account before he moves it all to his, make a list of what direct debits go on which dates and transfer just enough back to cover each one the evening before it’s due. If you both normally put money in the joint (bills) account on payday, or the end of the month, he may stop the next and future deposits, while you navigate a way forward, and he’s sure to argue that living separately means unforeseen expenditure on his part, whether he stays with the OW or rents somewhere alone at first. I guess you’re on maternity pay, so you’ll be extra cautious.

Big hand-hold…

legally I don’t think I could stop him coming into his own home

No that's right, you can't.

You can't stop him.

I agree with a PP whether your dad or your brother could message him and tell him to stay away and stress to him that you don't need anymore added stress so close to your due date.

And copy or photograph all relevant paperwork that he could potentially remove from the house. You may need to contact mortgage and pension providers, the council, water company and so on, if he walks out with a box file contains all that it will be an extra layer of difficulty.

Assuming that you have the right type of lock, could you leave a key in the backdoor lock (inside, obviously)? That should prevent him from letting himself in that way.

Ask your brother to put bolts on the inside of the doors

Hopefully he won't be so bloody stupid to come to the house.
But I agree get a family member to spell it on the line of you need rest not added stress and that they will inform him when baby is born.
After you and baby are settled you can start communication either through solicitors (although this gets expensive) or a family member on setting up access especially for your 3 year old.
I know that will be painful for you and some may disagree but without setting up a access agreement then he can play the she's withholding my children from me card.....which doesn't go down well in family court. Hopefully your solicitor also advised you on getting a child agreement sorted too.

When I was in a similar situation, I couldn't legally stop my then-husband from entering the house, but I could "accidentally" leave keys in the locks on the inside so that he couldn't come in unexpectedly and surprise me.

Don’t leave the house! If you leave and he moves back in you will never get rid of him! Stay put and make sure he knows he is not welcome.

(I don’t mean literally don’t leave ever, just don’t move out)

It's a ary how similar your story is to what happened to me last year after 25 years of marriage. Some men are just simply despicable.

@Waffletots Could your parents or even just your mum stay with you for the next few days? Partly so you have some company and support but also judging by his performance so far the weasley excuse for a husband might feel less inclined to try and get into the house if he knows you are not there alone.

Be careful your h doesn't know you are posting here. In your OP you've said about your brother not being there. Keep the doors locked.

Can you ask one of your family members to contact him on your behalf and say some of this? Just essentially around giving you space and using them as an intermediary instead of going over.

Hi @Waffletots I think I said quite early that he is allowed access to his home. However, realistically, he's not going to be able to manage with one small bag of clothes not that we give a shit and also where is he likely to be staying? Is he paying for a hotel for example? I'd see if somebody could stay with you for now, leave a key in the back door (or indeed have a simple bolt put in for additonal security).

Could your dad or brother message him and say he needs to find somewhere to stay at least until after you have had Christmas and settled with the new baby. I think it also needs to be made clear to him that you don't want him at the birth. He's going to have to face the consequences of his actions. I also think somebody should tell him that there is no coming back from this, you have seen a solicitor and you want to be left alone. A lot to think about but it might give you some space while you get through these next few weeks.