I know his secret…. Thread 3

[Waffletots]

Starting another thread because the last one is full.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5226374-i-know-his-secret-but-how-do-i-play-this?page=1

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5226809-i-know-his-secret-thread-2?page=1

Thank you so much everyone for your messages, I appreciate them so much and you have truly helped me this past crazy few days to know I have so many people supporting me.
I’ve seen a solicitor this afternoon who has given me some good advice regarding finances and the legalities when it comes to our jointly owned home, a lot to get my head around but I feel a lot more informed now!
I’ve missed two calls from my husband since I last updated, I’m worried he’s going to come to the house to try and speak to me but hoping he may think my brother is still here and not bother!

https://podbay.fm/p/nothing-much-happens-bedtime-stories-to-help-you-sleep

I find this podcast helpful for sleep OP, nice gentle stories with breathing exercises too.

I hope everything goes smoothly with the new baby and you and DC are doing as well as possible.

You are doing amazingly. Stay strong. Don’t let him try and wheedle his way back in. Good luck. Glad you have had some good legal advice. Hope you get some sleep.

I would get the communication going re access to his stuff via family intermediary to head off a scenario where he might call the police. Offer to pack bags that can be collected from outside.

Also stress that you are now focussed on the birth “for the sake of the kids”, have organised your own birth support without needing his presence and the affair fall out will have to be addressed later. Meanwhile, keep dad and the solicitor working away and take copies of documents that are likely to be removed.

In cases of domestic abuse vi tims can apply for a non-molestation order with an occupation order attached. Though whilst he hasnt been physi ally abusive he has caised emotional harm. It may be worth contacting womens aid for advice given ops vulnerable position.

I haven’t used this site before so just clicked in a panic for my first thread then thought I would keep it the same format so people could find it the next two times, unsure of this is how it works. I don’t know how I would go about getting it moved, do I have to message someone?

Thinking of you, you're doing so well. Stay strong

Understandably you probably don’t want to speak to him right now but is it worth you breaking the silence and sending a message stating that you need some time to think before you are ready for a longer conversation. Hopefully he will agree and that may ease your mind that he won’t turn up and try and bulldoze you into a conversation.

Have been pretty much in your shoes and that is how I was able to keep the peace for a bit longer - I agree to meet him in a neutral location after several days to discuss practicalities. Although he thought it was going to be me begging him to leave the OW and come back to me 😂In reality I had spent my time dealing with emotions and getting my ducks in a row.

I was just about to write the same as @RO53. You remain in our thoughts and hearts OP and are doing so well.

Yes I do need to open up communication I am just unsure of what to say for the best, I want to keep it short and to the point without being petty or showing any weakness! Not much to ask surely 👀

I imagine your DB will know what to say to him OP.

Dear Waffletots,

I rarely post but when I read your thread you really touched my heart. 7 years ago I was in a very similar situation and like you I was very lucky to have family members swarm around me offering support, love and advice.

You have been offered some great advice here which I won't repeat.

However when I was left with an 18 month year old practical things that I found incredibly helpful were these:

A £200 I hate ironing voucher so that I did not have to do any washing of clothes or ironing for a couple of months

Vouchers from cook which lasted on for weeks

Frozen home cooked meals from any family or friends that offered in small children's portions and adult. Fill that freezer up.

Frozen veg and fruit so if I did not have the energy to go out I made smoothies for extra vitamins and minerals

Boxes of Chocolates and biscuits

Loads of tinned products

Kids snacks -

Loads of nappies

Someone to spend time with my child when times where really bad and I was full of flu. My nieces and nephews were brilliant

Family members who were really good at drafting letters

Signing up to universal credit straight away

Scented candles and some beautifully scented shower gel and bubble bath

The most cosy new duvet, pillows and bedding.

My sister also changed my bedroom around to bring in a different energy

I am not sure if any of this is helpful but I just wanted you to know that your not alone. Sending you ❤️

No, just click the 'report' button on your OP.

But that's if you want it moved.

Tbh I can't see what difference it would make with so many posters already invested.

Waffle you are handling this shit with such dignity and have all of MN behind you when you need to rant / weep. So many of us have walked this path before you.

True, but many would think it overly confrontational, especially as his soon-to-be ex wife is in the last stages of pregnancy. And that might well include a judge.

I think this is good advice to give you some space, and also give you chance to take pics of any financial stuff...
I would also go with leaving a key on the inside of external doors - not to refuse him entry, but to give you time to call your dad or brother to see if they could come over and support you

I’d say “given the lack of any apology or even concern for the wellbeing of our children, please only contact me in relation to practical arrangements from now on“

Dear Dickhead,

I spoke to the midwife a couple days ago & she told me that my current stress levels are not good for either me or the baby. Right now I want to stay focussed on the birth & settling the baby in when he/she arrives. Therefore, I want you to stay away for the time being. In the meantime, let DB know what you need from the house for the next couple of weeks & you can pick it up from him. I’ll speak to you when I’m ready. Waffletots

Just the bit after the comma would be better. The reason is obvious.

Very true!

I would send a message saying

1 if you need any other items from the house, send a list to DB and he will arrange to get them to you

1. Do you have a proposal for contact with 3 year old

1. I will advise you when baby arrives. Until then, as baby’s safe arrival is my priority, only contact my brother to arrange collection of your personal items or me regarding contact with 3 year old.

I wouldnt send this purely because it gives him an "in" with the implication that an apology etc would get the OP to start forgiving him.

Personally I would go with "I have nothing to say to you regarding our relationship as it is over. Anything to do with practical arrangements going forward please email me at XX. If you require any further belongings from the house, send me a list and I will arrange for them to be available for you to collect on X date. I will of course inform you when the baby is born"

I think having someone like your mum stay over could be helpful just in case you go into labour.

When you've time change your council tax to single occupancy.

You've got this.

Go back to his first message about “moving past this” and simply reply, “No.”

Or, “Please stop calling. There is nothing to discuss. You can arrange to collect your belongings and make arrangements to see [3yo] via [brother/other family member] and they will also inform you when my baby is born.”

Exactly as you say short to the point and factual.

I need rest before the birth, you will be informed when baby has been born. I will contact you after birth to sort out child access arrangements for little 3 year old. If you need any items from the house send a list. This will be packed for you and left in a waterproof box the following day.
I expect the least you can do for our unborn baby is to follow these requests and not add additional stress to this situation in the last few days of my pregnancy.

@Waffletots , could you leave your keys in the backdoor lock?

oops! can see @Harshtruth1111 has already suggested