I know his secret…. Thread 3

[Waffletots]

Starting another thread because the last one is full.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5226374-i-know-his-secret-but-how-do-i-play-this?page=1

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5226809-i-know-his-secret-thread-2?page=1

Thank you so much everyone for your messages, I appreciate them so much and you have truly helped me this past crazy few days to know I have so many people supporting me.
I’ve seen a solicitor this afternoon who has given me some good advice regarding finances and the legalities when it comes to our jointly owned home, a lot to get my head around but I feel a lot more informed now!
I’ve missed two calls from my husband since I last updated, I’m worried he’s going to come to the house to try and speak to me but hoping he may think my brother is still here and not bother!

This is not a bad plan. He lost you. He should get used to that now and it is in your interest to remove yourself from his drama and urge to manipulate.

I wouldn't give him any information about the impending birth and your intention not to have him there - these are arguments you don't need to be having now. If he's not happy after the fact, that's his problem.

l think if he turns up (or threatens to) you should say: "I've been really ill with the shock of discovering your long affair. If you come to the house/stay on the doorstep now then I'm going to have to call my parents for help as I think I might collapse. I have to stay healthy for the baby - you need to leave now and let me have some peace. If you need anything from the house, text me a list and I'll put it in a bag outside the house.

You will need to communicate with him OP, at the end of the day whatever happens between you and him, you are still going to be co-parents from now on, and to do that effectively, you will need an open channel of communication somehow (through you or through a third party) keeping him from his child or his house is dodgy ground legally and you don't want to give him an ammo to use against you.

Also, you are going to be in hospital very soon and unless something is arranged he can legally do whatever he likes in the house when you are out of it.

I'd be inclined to send him a message that doesn't invite a response, to make your position clear, taking any advice on board that you may have got from the solicitor today. He will keep trying to contact you and potentially come round so you may as well tell him exactly what you need from him right now, and if that is to stay away and not contact you then so be it, but you need to do something, even if it's through a third party.

You could tell him if he needs anything he can contact your brother (if he's okay with that) to arrange.

Out of interest who is going to be looking after your 3 year old while you are in hospital?

@Crikeyalmighty
So sorry you went through it too. It’s so shockingly common too - I feel like I see about a thread a week on Mumsnet. All these men, what the hell is wrong with them?

I was thinking the same. It's a tale as old as time and utterly depressing.

I would say:

Your actions have ended our marriage. We will need to find a way to co-parent for the children, but for now I need time and space away from you.

So letting him know that you intend to end the marriage and allow him to see his children going forwards, but also asking for him to leave you alone for the time being.
Do not tell him you've seen a solicitor, as that could prompt him to go and get his own.

You're doing amazing, and your family sound amazing too x

Personally, I'd be getting your brother to message him, "please have the decency to leave Waffletots alone until she's managed to safely deliver the baby. Your repeated attempts at contacting her are causing her undue stress to both herself and the baby. Respect her need for space right at this incredibly difficult time for her."

Do this.

You never know what will happen when those baby hormones kick in but unless I completely loose my mind (which I won’t with family around and if I keep talking) I will never trust him again so for me, the relationship is over for good.
Honestly I feel many emotions all at the same time, I’m swinging from one to the next constantly but I’m trying to keep my head level and concentrate on what’s important here, my children, everything else will come together in time (I hope!)

Good fir you OP. Good to focus on the kids and the practicalities.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, especially at what should be such a special time for you. Take care xx

Make sure you get some sleep tonight and if you find it difficult, are worrying about him coming round, remember that more than 2,000 posters in the four corners of the UK, Spain, Germany, Cyprus, Australia and America care for you and are firmly behind you, supplementing the love and protection of your family. You have a lot of strength OP.

@Waffletots ask someone to put a chain on the back door, as well

Add me to the list of supporters! Thank you for setting this example for your children. I see a lot of you (us) realising that putting the children first means setting examples, not seeing them as an excuse to muddle through after the unforgivable. It gives me hope for the future generation. Sons will know not to pull this shit and daughters will know not to tolerate it.
I'm just sorry this has happened now, terrible timing. But your strength, resilience and love for your babies shines through every post. They're lucky to have you, you're doing great.
Keep reaching out in real life and here, you know that rollercoaster of emotions that hormones can bring and no one wants that insect creeping around you. You're worth 100 hundred of him.
I'd agree with PP chain the back door. If it's patio style you can get security bars for the handles. I'd argue you're just adding extra security to the home, not denying him access. Let him arrange picking up his things or seeing the children through a family member or friend. You don't have to face him. Although if you do, I'd imagine it won't end well for him. You'll give him both barrels.

Blimey OP, just read all your responses on all of your threads and just wanted to say you’re handling things marvelously. It’s amazing what we are capable of when backed into a corner, and with the support of your lovely family I’m sure you’ll be fine.

Btw my 1st baby was born at 38+2, and my second at 39+5, I think because I had the stress of a house move (on my due date!). My midwife told me that we release a hormone when we are ready to give birth, and stressful events can delay this, so hopefully you’ve got a bit longer before the big day. Wishing you all the best for the birth, you sound incredibly strong and you will be an excellent role model for your kids, unlike their other parent.

@Zoomo I'm afraid for many I feel it's simply the buzz of 'new' - having their cake and eating it - a bit of excitement in the Groundhog Day of life and they don't think they will get caught - unfortunately many forget that the other person ( male or female) may get fed up of being bullshitted to and take matters into to their own hands- in some cases for revenge, in others to try and force the issue.

Of course you are experiencing a whole range of emotions. I am in awe of how you are handling this, I really am.

You will have tough times to come and you will wobble - because you loved this man, you had a past, a present and planned a future with him. You will be grieving everything you thought you knew and everything you expected to come.

But, this man is a con-man. He is not the man he presented himself as. When you are in your most vulnerable state, when you are questioning whether you can do this alone…please remind yourself that if you”d have known he was capable of having an affair whilst planning a baby with his wife - there is no way you’d have married him. Please, do not settle now for anything less than you (or your children) are worth.

You’re a diamond, show your children that you don’t have to take second best, you are worth much more than that. You’ll be better off on your own than with this sorry excuse for a man. I wish you all the very best and all the strength in the world.

As everyone has pointed out, yes, you can't keep him out of the home he owns under the current circumstances.

However, you can have a supportive family member make it preemptively clear that should he exercise his legal right to return, every single friend you have in common will know he's been cheating on his pregnant wife for A YEAR, putting your health and the baby's health at risk. Perhaps your brother...

You’re doing a great job OP.

Hope you manage to get a decent night’s sleep tonight.

Hoping your visit with the midwife went well.

OP I’ve been following your replies and am honestly so amazed by your resilience. In your situation I’d want to do exactly the same.

Sending lots of love and best wishes to you, your little one and the bump. You’ve got this xx

No don't say this. I know what the poster means but it will make him think you're not coping and are having a mental breakdown. You're not, you just don't want to see his bloody face right now.

I’ve been thinking of you a lot today OP, since reading your story last night. I’m so sorry you are having to go through this. You are doing absolutely fantastic! I became a single mum to my children when my youngest was 2.5. It is hard in the beginning but you really do embrace it-because we love for our children and you reach a point where one day you’ll say to yourself omg I’m actually smashing this and feel so proud of yourself. Keep doing what you’re doing-keep it all amicable, no name calling. Know that when you go to sleep at night you did what you did with self respect and grace. Thinking of you so much and your beautiful children. 🥰🥰

I hope he doesn't just turn up and respects your need for peace.

It will.

A butterfly, as it fights to get out of the chrysalis, is strengthening its wings. It needs the fight. If you helped it out it’s wings wouldn’t be strong enough.

The next year will be your fight. It will be you battling out of the chrysalis. It will be a tough and bloody battle with heartache, anger, doubt and every human emotion possible. You will cry, dob and rage. You will look after yourself as well as you can for your children and you will do your best at being the fantastic mum they need, despite this despicable thing he has done. It will be hard but you have it in you. Some days you’ll think you don’t but accept help and support whenever you can.

But the fight will make you strong. It will make you strong enough for anything else life throws at you. It will make you a stronger mother. A better human.

But you will fly free. You will experience joy again. 🦋🦋🦋

He will remain a soulless piece of meat masquerading as a human.