Page 5 | I know his secret…. Thread 3

Waffletots · 2024-12-10T18:35:48+00:00

*Starting another thread because the last one is full.* [[https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5226374-i-know-his-secret-but-how-do-i-play-this?page=1 https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5226374-i-know-his-secret-but-how-do-i-play-this?page=1]] [[https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5226809-i-know-his-secret-thread-2?page=1 https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5226809-i-know-his-secret-thread-2?page=1]] Thank you so much everyone for your messages, I appreciate them so much and you have truly helped me this past crazy few days to know I have so many people supporting me. I’ve seen a solicitor this afternoon who has given me some good advice regarding finances and the legalities when it comes to our jointly owned home, a lot to get my head around but I feel a lot more informed now! I’ve missed two calls from my husband since I last updated, I’m worried he’s going to come to the house to try and speak to me but hoping he may think my brother is still here and not bother!

rosesl · 10/12/2024 20:14

Just read your threads OP. You're doing amazing. Sending a virtual hug 🥰

betrayedandwobbly · 10/12/2024 20:17

I think silence is the best answer.

But as that is going to be unsustainable in the longer term, and as it seems your preference is for DBro to be the communication channel, then perhaps tomorrow DBro messages him saying "I have seen you message to waffletots and understand you have been trying to ring her. She has asked me to be an intermediary for the time being, so all calls and messages to me please"

Nothing from you, icy politeness from DBro, who is to grey rock all messages other than admin about belongings and contact arrangements for the 3yo.

Don't let him know how far you've got with your separation/divorce plans, just don't engage at all. Let DBro do it

Have DBro do as much by message if possible, and keep a copy, just in case STBXH wants to reinvent what happened.

RainbowColouredRainbows · 10/12/2024 20:18

Just remember as well OP, when it comes to sorting out access in court, they are going to go with status quo, which means ensure any access arrangements with 3yo are feasible long term. Consider who is picking up/dropping off, how long for, fixed days or ad hoc, overnights etc.

ThianWinter · 10/12/2024 20:23

I'm so glad @Waffletots has such a supportive family around her, what a dreadful thing to find out in the latter stages of pregnancy. I hope the fact she's seen a solicitor already indicates she has no intention of forgiving and forgetting, which he may be hoping for.

MadinMarch · 10/12/2024 20:25

Waffletots · 10/12/2024 18:46

I haven’t! I do have a chain on my front door I’ve put on but obviously he has keys for the back door too, legally I don’t think I could stop him coming into his own home but I really could do without the stress, I could stay with my parents but then I’m worried he’s could move back in whilst I’m gone and I need this home for my children. It’s such a mess!

Show quote history

Can you leave the key in the back door locked,s the can't open it from the outside? Same with the front door with the chain on too?
Legally as you say, you can't ban him from the house, but you must have fallen asleep....
Put your phone on silent and unplug the doorbell.
Stay strong and sending lots of love and admiration to you.

pictoosh · 10/12/2024 20:26

You are a powerhouse OP, keep on keeping on.

AtlasPine · 10/12/2024 20:27

I’m in my sixties and wish I’d had even half of your sense and strength when this happened to me 30 years ago. You will be ok eventually and thank goodness for your parents and brother who sound fab. Lots of warm wishes and positive vibes for you.

MadinMarch · 10/12/2024 20:28

RainbowColouredRainbows · 10/12/2024 20:18

Just remember as well OP, when it comes to sorting out access in court, they are going to go with status quo, which means ensure any access arrangements with 3yo are feasible long term. Consider who is picking up/dropping off, how long for, fixed days or ad hoc, overnights etc.

Yes, consider longer term implications, but don't agree anything long term at this stage. Just agree something for a month or two, or six months at most, then tell him you'll reassess the situation.
Things change A LOT when they start school, and you may need to rethink arrangements then.

Crikeyalmighty · 10/12/2024 20:30

@Codlingmoths I would send this too -

Crankyaboutfood · 10/12/2024 20:32

SevernWonders · 10/12/2024 19:43

Waffle you are handling this shit with such dignity and have all of MN behind you when you need to rant / weep. So many of us have walked this path before you.

Yes. I feel so proud of you for your strength and self worth. Your children are very lucky to have you and you will have a beautiful life. I bet you find it gets easier in ways you never anticipated. You husband was not a good man.

MadinMarch · 10/12/2024 20:34

betrayedandwobbly · 10/12/2024 20:17

I think silence is the best answer.

But as that is going to be unsustainable in the longer term, and as it seems your preference is for DBro to be the communication channel, then perhaps tomorrow DBro messages him saying "I have seen you message to waffletots and understand you have been trying to ring her. She has asked me to be an intermediary for the time being, so all calls and messages to me please"

Nothing from you, icy politeness from DBro, who is to grey rock all messages other than admin about belongings and contact arrangements for the 3yo.

Don't let him know how far you've got with your separation/divorce plans, just don't engage at all. Let DBro do it

Have DBro do as much by message if possible, and keep a copy, just in case STBXH wants to reinvent what happened.

This is a good idea I think.
It'd be tempted to get your brother to also say that given you're about to give birth to his child, you don't have the headspace to think about this at all, and need at least a month or six weeks to get over the birth before you speak to him at all.
This will buy you much needed space to come to terms with the situation and welcome your new baby.

warmbath · 10/12/2024 20:34

OP, I think you are truly amazing. Your children will think you are amazing when they grow up. Your family think you're amazing. Everyone on here think you are amazing. Your (soon to be ex) DH is the opposite of amazing, a weasel at best and a rat as worse. Sending you love and strength through these very challenging times but perhaps everything happens for a reason and at least you have found out now and can build a lovely life with people who value you and treat you well xx

Crikeyalmighty · 10/12/2024 20:36

Just want to say OP that I so feel for you - if I could give you a big hug I would - I was in the situation of finding out something in a similar vein ( although not as clear cut) about 8 years ago -I stayed in the marriage and have never felt100% the same again and remember that initial shock and feeling of not knowing if I was coming or going which floored me for weeks and I'm quite a tough cookie - I wasn't pregnant nor had a young child at home and can only imagine the stress

Bellab89 · 10/12/2024 20:37

You sound like a grounded, nice person. And your family sound wonderful. Your children are lucky to have you. It’s raw now, but one day you’ll look back on this and be glad that you escaped this awful man. It’s his loss and he’ll soon realise it. You’ve got this. Hugs xx

grumpygrape · 10/12/2024 20:37

jumpintheline · 10/12/2024 19:53

If I were you l’d block him, and ask a family member to contact him regarding any practicalities / arrangements. Better that you just don’t hear a peep from him - so a random message can’t get your blood pressure up and heart racing. Gives you a little control too.

Glad you’ve seen a solicitor and got some advice. More control and power in your court.

Hope you’re managing okay with bump - those last few weeks of pregnancy are no
joke.

My thoughts too. I don't think it is wise for you to contact him. Maybe your brother could contact him with regard to his possessions and to tell him that for obvious reasons he should not attempt to visit, let alone enter, the home.

Blondeshavemorefun · 10/12/2024 20:37

Glad you have taken legal advise @Waffletots

I'm sure they told you that as joint owners he can come back into the house /live there

You can't lock him out or change the locks / he has rights

Those who say lock him out etx - that is illegal and he can make trouble for you if you go down that route

Equally As much as you don't want him there he won't be able to stay in hotels forever - if that's where he is staying

Assume he isn't back with ow - she has prob dumped him due to his lying /we aren't getting on/never have sex etx

Obv you being heavily preg contradicts that

So you will need to talk to him. With someone else present

Guessing bottom line is that you sell the house and find somewhere smaller if he won't leave

Job depending he prob won't be able to pay the mortgage on joint home and rent /buy for his self

I'm still in shock that he hasn't even asked about your dd or how you /baby are

As I said previously you have the female mn on your side

And yes you can report your post to mn and ask for it to be moved to a diff section whether relationships or where you want @Waffletots

IDontLikePinaColadas · 10/12/2024 20:40

I just wanted to say what an absolute super, powerhouse of a woman you are. You should be so proud of yourself for how strong you are being, even if you don’t feel like it at the moment - your children are so lucky to have you. Sending you so much love and huge virtual hugs.

justworking · 10/12/2024 20:41

IDontLikePinaColadas · 10/12/2024 20:40

I just wanted to say what an absolute super, powerhouse of a woman you are. You should be so proud of yourself for how strong you are being, even if you don’t feel like it at the moment - your children are so lucky to have you. Sending you so much love and huge virtual hugs.

Was just going to write similar!

BibbityBobbityToo · 10/12/2024 20:41

It would be a shame if you accidentally lost your back door key and had to get that lock changed....

You wouldn't be blocking access to his house though as he would still have a front door key, the fact you are using the chain for security purposes makes perfect sense with you being the only adult at home 😉.

Commonsense22 · 10/12/2024 20:43

Yes I'd also go with the icy factual message from your brother approach.
He doesn't need to suggest anything, just inform him he's the point of contact.

jumpintheline · 10/12/2024 20:43

Crikeyalmighty · 10/12/2024 20:36

Just want to say OP that I so feel for you - if I could give you a big hug I would - I was in the situation of finding out something in a similar vein ( although not as clear cut) about 8 years ago -I stayed in the marriage and have never felt100% the same again and remember that initial shock and feeling of not knowing if I was coming or going which floored me for weeks and I'm quite a tough cookie - I wasn't pregnant nor had a young child at home and can only imagine the stress

Same. Our DS was four months old. My whole world was shattered. I stayed - we’re five years down the road now. It’s not for everyone and I do still wonder sometimes if I made the right decision.
but that’s another thread xx
I do relate strongly though to that feeling of being so utterly blindsided - at a time when you’re vulnerable. I hope you’re coping okay OP xx

SpryCat · 10/12/2024 20:46

Your focus is on you, bump and dc and you don’t want to hear from him. Any communication can be through your db, once baby is born I’m sure one of your family will stay with you so when he does come over to meet the baby you won’t be left alone with him. You may need to leave the room as it will be very emotional seeing him with your children, knowing he decided his ego was more important than you all. You need everything in you for your children and he will have to wait till you are ready to communicate.

Crikeyalmighty · 10/12/2024 20:48

@jumpintheline it's truly the worst feeling - a combination of feeling an idiot for not picking up on it and so , so angry that you feel you could do serious damage - my H said to me 'you want to hit me don't you' and an honest response from me would have been 'I would like to poke your eyes out with a rusty nail' -

jumpintheline · 10/12/2024 20:51

Crikeyalmighty · 10/12/2024 20:48

@jumpintheline it's truly the worst feeling - a combination of feeling an idiot for not picking up on it and so , so angry that you feel you could do serious damage - my H said to me 'you want to hit me don't you' and an honest response from me would have been 'I would like to poke your eyes out with a rusty nail' -

So sorry you went through it too. It’s so shockingly common too - I feel like I see about a thread a week on Mumsnet. All these men, what the hell is wrong with them?

FilthyforFirth · 10/12/2024 20:55

I would also go with your DBro responding to him, brief and factual.

But I also think you should have a family member move in, probably your mum. Am guessing bro/sis in law have kids/jobs/ bit less flexibility than your parents.

I hope you get some more sleep tonight and baby doesnt make an appearance yet. Once again, you're awesome.