I know his secret…. Thread 3

[Waffletots]

Starting another thread because the last one is full.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5226374-i-know-his-secret-but-how-do-i-play-this?page=1

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5226809-i-know-his-secret-thread-2?page=1

Thank you so much everyone for your messages, I appreciate them so much and you have truly helped me this past crazy few days to know I have so many people supporting me.
I’ve seen a solicitor this afternoon who has given me some good advice regarding finances and the legalities when it comes to our jointly owned home, a lot to get my head around but I feel a lot more informed now!
I’ve missed two calls from my husband since I last updated, I’m worried he’s going to come to the house to try and speak to me but hoping he may think my brother is still here and not bother!

You're doing so well, your children are fortunate to have such an amazing and strong role model in you.

I probably would reply but keep it icily polite so as not to invite speculation on his part, so something like: "As you will appreciate I am preparing for the arrival of the baby and so am focused on practical matters. Speaking of which, if you need anything from the house please contact my brother and he will arrange this." I wouldn't even mention your other child as (a) he hasn't and (b) that would be an avenue in for him to carry on the conversation. If he mentions your other child then of course you need to respond, but while he's not even bringing it up then there is absolutely nothing wrong with you doing the same.

You have totally got this - stand in your power.

If I were you l’d block him, and ask a family member to contact him regarding any practicalities / arrangements. Better that you just don’t hear a peep from him - so a random message can’t get your blood pressure up and heart racing. Gives you a little control too.

Glad you’ve seen a solicitor and got some advice. More control and power in your court.

Hope you’re managing okay with bump - those last few weeks of pregnancy are no
joke.

I wouldn't stay with your parents, stay where you are, it's your home and your childrens. Maybe ask your brother to respond to him and ask if there is anything he needs from the house, if so tell him you will leave it in the driveway (or somewhere suitable so you don't have to see him). We are all behind you. You are amazingly strong!! xx

Can I just add to this - remove any family photos that are precious to you as well to a place of safekeeping. Also anything of value that he might walk out the door with. Photograph anything valuable/jewellery etc so that it has dates and times on it. In the case of antiques/paintings, make sure you take a pic of the whole room with it in situ as well as close up. ALL paperwork needs to go out. Go though his clothes pockets and draws too. There could be things stuffed in there.

Like what must be hundreds of other women my heart goes out to you.

You have dealt with this grim, heartbreaking situation with such courage and good sense. Your children are lucky to have you as a mother.

I'm so glad you have such a loving, supportive family. Mine are like this and I'm forever grateful for their support during my own crises. You're not alone in this and that makes so much difference.

Sending love x

He could move back into the house while you are out of the way having the baby - if you tell him before you’re gone

I would keep the message to him short and sweet,

"I'm resting for now and need some time, I will contact you when I'm ready"

Nothing about visitation for 3 year old, nothing about birth of new baby, nothing about collecting items from other family. I would not give him any indication that you are thinking about how to best protect yourself while ending this marriage. Messages about visitation or personal belongings will clue him in to how you are thinking. I think he believes once you go into labour you will want him to come running and everything is forgiven and forgotten. He's counting on you folding first. He's had you on the back foot for a year now, it's time for him to experience what being blindsided is really like.

Legally, he’s done nothing wrong. Morally yes absolutely, we all agree on what we think of this excuse of a man.
He can gain access to his home. He can move back into his own home. He has as much right legally to live there as OP does. After l threw my excuse for mankind out, I was told this by my solicitor. I dreaded coming home from work everyday for months and seeing his car on the drive. Luckily he didn’t move back in, but he did visit to see his kids. I can only imagine how you dread seeing him lovely, so try and make this as easy as possible for yourself. Yes to having a family member stay if they can. Their presence will be reassuring. Yes to leaving a key in the door to bide you some time if he arrives. If I was you, I would get the first meeting over and done with. I would arrange to meet him elsewhere, and let family know the place and time.

It will be hard for you, but might be a bit easier for you if you take control. There’s nothing worse than waiting for a knock on the door. I love Monty Don as much as the next woman, but even he couldn’t distract me if I was on constant alert! Look after yourself x

I would set up a new email account and reply to him in the manner of a HR professional. I would block his number and any other way he may attempt to contact you. No emotion. Just practicallys.

Good evening,

I will get the ball rolling with divorce proceedings when I have recovered from birth.

In the meantime, I will agree a time slot for you to collect any belongings you may need - if you could provide me with a few suitable times that would be appreciated.

Additionally if you have a contact arrangements in mind for seeing our child, please can you put this forward for me to consider.

Your presence as a birth partner is no longer required and I will let you know once baby has arrived safely and again, will arrange a mutually convenient time for you to meet the new baby.

In the meantime I would appreciate you not attempting to contact me or make any unplanned visits. My health, and that of the baby at this late stage of my pregnancy, is at the forefront of my mind at this time.

I do not wish to discuss any further matters with you other than that which I have mentioned above.

Regards,
Waffletots

And only respond, after at least an hour of reading his reply to any factual matters regarding contact. Do not respond to anything emotional, any questions, any begging. If he doesn’t reply to statements you have made regarding contact arrangement then just ignore.

🩷🩷🩷

Unfortunately, you are going to need to communicate with him. Try and keep things brief, calm and factual. As the house is jointly owned you can't stop him from accessing it or potentially moving back in. You need to make arrangements for him to see your child (assuming he wants too!). You have come this far, you are clearly a strong person. You have got this!!

How far away does your brother live.Is there any chance he could park his car in the drive just to make dickhead think your brother is there.

If you had one I’d just send

“please send all correspondence to my solicitor ……….”

@Waffletots when is your due date? Have you spoken to your midwife about what's happening in your personal life? Your husband might insist on being present for the birth, and you need to have a note in your file to say he's not to be allowed in.

I think this is an excellent suggestion. I also would be wary of blocking him incase he turns up in desperation.
I think send a message like this suggested then do not engage any further for now.

You have more important things to think about and prepare for.

You're doing so well, so dignified. I promise in years to come you will look back on this and think what a lucky escape. There will be light at the end of this tunnel. I know it doesn't feel like that right now. But keep going and focus on your 3 year old, yourself and your soon to be born little baby. We are all rooting for you.
Big hugs

You're still sounding strong @Waffletots Take time to consider what the solicitor advised. I would suggest that if/when you communicate with your husband, it's in writing so emails and texts. You don't need him twisting words or conversations getting emotional if you can avoid it (as far as is reasonably possible anyway). Any contact he has with your toddler can be outside your home and via a third party for now. It's still early days and he's likely to be pushing for things more quickly than you might be comfortable with.

You are doing marvellously and I am so sorry you are going through this.

I think I would say something to him like:
"My priority right now is keeping stress to a minimum while I prepare for the birth. Please respect that. I will be in touch when I'm recovered, settled in a routine. Until then, any communication you want to have around visiting 3yr old or collecting any belongings will go through my brother and he will facilitate it".

This sounds like good advice .

OP I don’t know where you have got your strength from .
I know you are in shock and are angry hurt and loads more feelings, but how do you really feel .
Is it over or do you think once you have new baby hormones flowing he will work his way back in?

I know you are getting practical but maybe try talk though with family or take time to think about wether you really do want this over , if you do reach to others to make sure you don’t fold to his pressure in the near future.

Giving you a huge virtual hug and wishing you all the best for the birth
You sound like such a strong woman. I don't even know you but I feel so proud of how you're dealing with this

Please stop calling. There is nothing to discuss. You can arrange to collect your belongings and make arrangements to see [3yo] via [brother/other family member] and they will also inform you when my baby is born
^
I think this from @AlertCat is very good. It is unemotional and addresses everything you need to for the moment. It also should mean you don't need to worry about hearing from him. If he does continue to try and make contact after you have sent it you can just block him until you are ready to deal with him.

Don't post your due date @Waffletots . No one needs to know that on here.

You’re an inspiration 🙌

I think it’s a good idea to send a short reply, with your focus being the health of you, baby and DC.

The welfare of myself and both DC is priority. I need to focus on preparing for childbirth and my family are supporting me and DC with this. My solicitor will be in touch soon.

I’d love to put.
The welfare of myself and both DC is priority over you, you’re a lying selfish cunt of a husband and dad who can get fucked quite frankly. I will rebuild and renew and be the best mum to our DC. I will create a happy and harmonious family, an honest life with the DC full of fun and laughter that a selfish twat like you will never know

I'm being a bit naughty here...but you could find a wedge for the back door and claim that it's sticking when he complains?

‘Hi x, im a 38 weeks pregnant woman who has just discovered that instead of the happy family I thought I had, my ‘husband’ has been cheating on me for longer than the entire time I’ve been pregnant. This has blown up my world. Stress is not good for the baby, nor are the potential stis I’m testing for, and it’s bee n a VERY high stress few days. I need to concentrate on me, my toddler and the baby I’m about to give birth to, and I have no energy or emotional capacity to talk with you. We are separated. If you need some of your things from the house please coordinate with <brother name>

Hi OP

We're popping in to see if you want to move your thread. Feel free to get in touch using the report button.

Thanks
MNHQ

Good call. "Oh, I forgot I'd left it in the door."