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Original poster

To think 11 year old stepson is disrespectful

180 replies

Anon171880 · 09/12/2024 23:56

I've been with his father for 3 and a half years and we also have a child together. I've also got other children from previous relationship.
More recently his son has become more and more disrespectful towards me, rude, ignores me, even kicked me before.
His dad tells him off but it doesn't really make much difference.
I struggle to get along with him as he is just rude. Gets excluded from school with no consequences, told my younger children to f off when they went into their bedroom because they were annoying him.
Poured water on his 2 year old brother's head because he put beans on his phone!
But if I say anything about the way he is or tell his dad that I don't want to watch him whilst he's working if he's just going to be disrespectful then it starts an argument.

OP posts:
SENMUMwhatnext · 10/12/2024 00:04

You have a DP problem.

CrackersAndMarmite · 10/12/2024 00:04

Poor little kid. Sounds like things are bothering him and coming out as poor behaviour.

What are his strengths? What activities have you suggested the two of you do together? How much 1:1 time does his dad spend with him? How much 1:1 time do you spend with him? How does he know you love and care about him? What do you do to show him you r there for him and want to support him?

What avenues does he have to talk about his feelings and worries? What happened with his mum? Does he see her?

Poor thing. It's tough being 11 and having a step mum. Hope he's ok.

Original poster
Anon171880 · 10/12/2024 00:10

@CrackersAndMarmite he spends quite a far amount of time with me and I think he actually behaves better when his dad isn't around.

His mum is just not the best role model and he doesn't spend as much time with her as he should however, he doesn't want to live with us as he says his dad annoys him sometimes.
I've had numerous conversations with him about his feelings but he's not very open to conversation with anyone. All my family have also welcomed him, he was not like this before but now his behaviour has just changed.
He has been in our lives for almost 4 years and spends a lot of time with us so I don't know why the behaviour change. Nothing much has changed other than the behaviour.

OP posts:
sprigatito · 10/12/2024 00:12

He's on the verge of puberty and sounds pretty mixed up and unhappy to boot. Has he just started secondary school?

He needs active, loving parenting with firm boundaries and lots of reassurance. That's your DP's role - is he doing it?

Tandora · 10/12/2024 00:13

His mum is just not the best role model and he doesn't spend as much time with her as he should however, he doesn't want to live with us

so….. he lives with his mum?

”not the best role model” ? 🙄🙄🙄🙄

Original poster
Anon171880 · 10/12/2024 00:16

@sprigatito yes he has just started secondary school, however the behavioural problems started in primary school, swearing at teachers and also getting physical. Was permanent excluded. There has been many incidents, he comes and stays on the weekends with us but sometimes his dad is working. His dad did want him to come and live with us but his son says he doesn't want that as his dad annoys him sometimes.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anon171880 · 10/12/2024 00:18

@Tandora not sure what the emoji faces were supposed to mean?

No he doesn't live with his mum, he actually lives with his grandad because his mum is useless. He spends time with his mum occasionally. He doesn't want to live with us.

OP posts:
ForeverPombear · 10/12/2024 00:20

Anon171880 · 10/12/2024 00:18

@Tandora not sure what the emoji faces were supposed to mean?

No he doesn't live with his mum, he actually lives with his grandad because his mum is useless. He spends time with his mum occasionally. He doesn't want to live with us.

It's not just his Mum who is useless.

This poor kid, no wonder he has issues.

GreyBlackBay · 10/12/2024 00:21

How did he behave with his mum?

This is a problem for your partner to solve. Stepmum is best off trying not to do the disciplining, which doesnt mean you can't tell him off of he does something naughty.

Ask your partner what he's going to do about it.

Its not up to you to mother this child, make him feel welcome and secure but get his dad to parent him.

Original poster
Anon171880 · 10/12/2024 00:23

@ForeverPombear what's that supposed to mean? Not sure who else your implying is useless?
Is the best thing to make him live with us when he doesn't want that?
Will that make matters worse or help the situation?
He has a very close relationship with his grandad and isn't surrounding by younger siblings so maybe that is part of the reason why.

OP posts:
DaniMontyRae · 10/12/2024 00:24

Given neither of his parents put this kid first it's hardly a surprise he's acting out. His mum is in your words a bad role model. His dad forced you, your children and your new joint child on him before he could really know you. You could only have been dating his dad a matter of months before you two conceived. Forcing a blended family at such pace was not good for any of the children.

Your partner needs to get his son some intensive help before it is too late. Has he spoken to a GP? What has the school recommended?

Millie2008 · 10/12/2024 00:28

What are your thoughts on why his behaviour has changed?

Original poster
Anon171880 · 10/12/2024 00:28

@DaniMontyRae knew eachother before we officially got together, also our children knew eachother before we got together.
None of the other children have acted out and if this was the reason why then why now?

Also his dad did try to get help, social services were involved due to his behaviour at school, his dad tried to get them to help but they weren't interested.

OP posts:
ForeverPombear · 10/12/2024 00:29

Anon171880 · 10/12/2024 00:23

@ForeverPombear what's that supposed to mean? Not sure who else your implying is useless?
Is the best thing to make him live with us when he doesn't want that?
Will that make matters worse or help the situation?
He has a very close relationship with his grandad and isn't surrounding by younger siblings so maybe that is part of the reason why.

I'm implying that his dad is useless. Him not having his son because he sometimes annoys him is a ridiculous reason.

This child by all accounts doesn't live with his mum because she's a bad role model which means that there's a big back story there. His dad has very quickly had a child with you so not only does he have a new sibling, he has new step siblings and doesn't live with either of his parents.

It sounds like this isn't a new problem if he was excluded from primary school. This child sounds unhappy and neither parent is doing anything about it.

Original poster
Anon171880 · 10/12/2024 00:32

@ForeverPombear his son doesn't want to live with us and the reason he gave is that "my dad annoys me"
Given the circumstances and as people are saying he's unhappy, is forcing him to live with us the right step?
Social services were zero help even after his dad voiced his concerns.
He doesn't live with his mum because she just palms him off. But none of this is new.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anon171880 · 10/12/2024 00:34

@Millie2008 honestly I do not know. He was happy before, wanted to be with us a lot, we weren't strangers to him either.

OP posts:
AnotherDayComeMonday · 10/12/2024 00:35

His dad forced you, your children and your new joint child on him before he could really know you. OP can't exactly unbirth her child and ask an 8 year olds opinion on her having a baby Hmm
OP the situation sounds very complex esp since DSS lives with grandparents. What happened when he was excluded from primary school? Is there any outside help for issues he is having?

Original poster
Anon171880 · 10/12/2024 00:36

@AnotherDayComeMonday no tbh the social services were useless and when his dad asked for help they wanted to just close the case!

OP posts:
Hyperbowl · 10/12/2024 00:36

Your DH needs to find suitable childcare for his child whilst he’s working instead of being lazy and manipulating you into doing it. He’s obviously got a lot going on that you can’t meet with the demands of your own children.

You need to make sure that he gets adequate alone time away from his younger sibling by making sure they don’t go in his room or do things that could damage his belongings. Not excusing his behaviour but his mum according to you is useless and you were barely together any time at all before you brought another child into the mix without having any thought or regard for any of the other children involved. How long you knew each other before is irrelevant. It’s different knowing someone to having them and their children move in with you and then feeling pushed out by another child. Hardly surprising he’s acting up on top of hormones really is it? That’s a lot for a child to have to deal with in a short space of time.

Millie2008 · 10/12/2024 00:36

What does your DP think the solution is?

Original poster
Anon171880 · 10/12/2024 00:42

@Hyperbowl as I said before the children already knew eachother and we were seeing eachother before we got together. It wasn't just we suddenly got together, got pregnant and introduced the children. Also having a new sibling at any stage is going to be a big change, his parents had also not been together for a long time before we got together. And as I also said before, if this was the case then why is it now that his behaviours changed and not before?

OP posts:
ForeverPombear · 10/12/2024 00:42

Anon171880 · 10/12/2024 00:32

@ForeverPombear his son doesn't want to live with us and the reason he gave is that "my dad annoys me"
Given the circumstances and as people are saying he's unhappy, is forcing him to live with us the right step?
Social services were zero help even after his dad voiced his concerns.
He doesn't live with his mum because she just palms him off. But none of this is new.

How long has he refused to live with you for?

No child of mine would be living with their grandparents if the reason just was that I annoyed them sometimes. I'm sure I told my parents growing up that they annoyed me and I wanted to live somewhere else but they'd never have allowed it.

It is a difficult situation and I'm not having a go at you and it probably has come across that I am but trying to look at it from his point of view: his Mum doesn't want him, his dad has moved in a new woman, her children and now got a new child with her. It's a lot for a child to cope with, it probably feels like rejection from both his mum and dad.

Does he have his own bedroom at yours? Does your husband regularly do things just them together - bonding time?

HolyPeaches · 10/12/2024 00:42

Anon171880 · 10/12/2024 00:18

@Tandora not sure what the emoji faces were supposed to mean?

No he doesn't live with his mum, he actually lives with his grandad because his mum is useless. He spends time with his mum occasionally. He doesn't want to live with us.

Sounds like he’s had quite a chaotic/unstable upbringing.

His parents split up. His mum is useless. Lives with a grandparent. Then within 3 years his dad has a new relationship, a new child and he’s gained some more step siblings. That’s a lot for a child to deal with.

He’s essentially splitting his time between 3 homes, his Grandad’s, his dad’s and his mums. Obviously we don’t know what happens at his mums and Grandad’s, we only know what is happening at yours, which is arguments and being annoyed by younger siblings.

It’s pretty obvious why he’s behaving the way he does. I don’t know what the answer is but he needs better stability in his life.

Original poster
Anon171880 · 10/12/2024 00:43

@Hyperbowl and also he was in their bedroom. Doesn't want to use the other bedroom

OP posts:
AnotherDayComeMonday · 10/12/2024 00:46

Anon171880 · 10/12/2024 00:36

@AnotherDayComeMonday no tbh the social services were useless and when his dad asked for help they wanted to just close the case!

The only children in my DCs primary school who are physical with teachers and swear are boys who have SEN ...it's not a normal thing for a child to be excluded from primary school. Is there any chance you don't know the full story of what happened in the school? Surely there must have been some help put in place for him?

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