To think 11 year old stepson is disrespectful

[Anon171880]

I've been with his father for 3 and a half years and we also have a child together. I've also got other children from previous relationship.
More recently his son has become more and more disrespectful towards me, rude, ignores me, even kicked me before.
His dad tells him off but it doesn't really make much difference.
I struggle to get along with him as he is just rude. Gets excluded from school with no consequences, told my younger children to f off when they went into their bedroom because they were annoying him.
Poured water on his 2 year old brother's head because he put beans on his phone!
But if I say anything about the way he is or tell his dad that I don't want to watch him whilst he's working if he's just going to be disrespectful then it starts an argument.

OP you mentioned a few times that your children seem fine. You are totally underestimating the importance that you being stable and loving has had on your kids. Your stepson has 2 crappy parents and it’s not unreasonable that he’s angry about it. You may not realise how your behaviour has helped your kids be emotionally stable and happy because you’re doing what most mothers do but your stepson doesn’t have that and when he looks around at everybody else, it will seem like he’s been shortchanged and feel resentful about that. He probably can’t verbalise his anger and wouldn’t agree to therapy etc but your h should have been more mindful of the fact that the odds of ss reacting to his past badly was high.

You haven’t done anything wrong but this is why people have said that your h should have stepped up and focused on his son before having more kids. It sounds like he doesn’t do nearly as much as you do and his son needs your h even if he acts like he doesn’t. Not all kids with crappy pasts go through difficult times but it was always highly likely that he’d realise later. I feel really sorry for your stepson and you need to reframe the problem as a mixture of him being 11 and going through puberty rather than simple disrespect. I realise that you can’t really do anything because his parents are the ones who can change things but probably won’t but the blame lies with them and not stepson himself. His parents have hurt him deeply and his grandad sounds like an absolute gem for taking him in and trying to provide stability which are basics that his parents should be providing.

I think you're getting a hard time as your title focuses on the disrespect rather than addressing why this is happening.

This is a very fair comment.

To be fair the OP can't do much about her DH or the mother. She just gets the disrespect and pragmatically, it's that problem that is hers to carry. It's grinding her down and it's not going away.

The root causes of the boy's problems can't be solved by her alone, nor is it helpful for her to focus on that as she can't do much. (Or is it for others to emphasise what a difficult situation the boy is in to her). If anything that's just minimising the OP's situation which is bad in its own right.

She just needs support dealing with the facts of the behaviour and maybe advice on protecting her other children.

A primary school child should be able to choose not to live with a parent if there are no good reasons why not. I assume there isn't as you have other children live with you.
He's lashing out because he feels left out, there's his family getting on and he's shipped back to grandad where even his mum doesn't want him.
Your dh needs to stand up. Move him in with you and his siblings and be an adult and a parent. The child needs firm boundaries and a sense of belonging in your family set up.

You can’t keep your kids safe around him on your own so for now he needs to be with his grandad while his dad is out working. That’s non-negotiable. He has another home with another official guardian so that’s where he has to be so you’re not trying to manage him without his dad to help.

In your shoes I’d stop living together as the benefits of the shared living with both parents seem outweighed by the risks from DSS being there. Maybe that’ll focus DP’s mind on getting professional help. If he moved in with you he can move back out again.

My eldest child is 13 on Friday and began puberty a couple of years ago so I have been through it with him so I'm not completely new to older children.
A lot of you seem to be blaming his behaviour on the fact that we are a blended family. Yes it can be difficult for children to adjust and there may be feelings of sadness, jealousy, anger but it can also provide a family unit, more security and love.
My ex and his partner are also the same and have a blended family, the children love it and I love that when they go to stay with them they are going to another family setting.

And for whoever commented about me mentioning my miracle child, well he was, he wasn't expected to make it when he was born so yes he is a miracle. And Im being made to feel like I need to justify having my youngest son. Fuck that and fuck anybody who wants to make me feel that way.

So his parents had split years before we got together, his dad lived in a flat and spent time with his son on the weekends and and extra time when he could.

Our children also knew each other.

The situation has been difficult especially with his mum. She moved house to a different area of the city when he was in year 5, so moved him schools. This is where I believe the behaviour started. He didn't like his new school. His dad spoke to her about moving him back as it was hard for him but mum refused. Dad spoke to old school about getting a place back but mum still refused. Said he would like him to live with us but again she refused.

He was abusive, verbally and physically to pupils and teachers and after numerous warnings and exclusions was permanent expelled in year 6.

Dad managed to get old school to take him back but this was on a trial, then for reasons I won't go into he was kicked out or there.

From this point he was spending weeks on end with us and his mum wouldnt even pick up the phone when he was supposed to be going back home.

Social services were involved due to his behaviour at school and dad voiced his concerns about mum. They closed the case.

Now he's started secondary school mum let him just stay at his grandads so he could take him to school everyday. His dad spoke to them and said he wants him to live with us, mum again refused and his son said he didn't want to live with us.

His dad isn't trying to fob him off, he wants nothing more than him to be under the same roof so he can make sure he's taken care of properly. The worry is that if he makes him come and live here is he going to be overwhelmed and is it going to effect him negatively.
He has always had a very close relationship with his grandad, just as my 12 year old son does.

My eldest likes to stay at my parents home sometimes during the week because it's easier to get to school, I still see him everyday if he stays but I know he sometimes likes the peace and quiet at my parents and can catch the bus with many of his friends from there. Would I refuse to let him stay there? No because he gets treated like a prince.

So when my partner split with his ex years before our relationship, things were stable. When we got together things were stable. It all began when he moved home and school and then his mum just didn't seem to bother as much.

Does that mean that I'm happy to be disrespected and have to accept physical violence? No of course not. I will do all I can as a step parent to support him but I still expect a level of respect from a child. He gets kicked out of school for that behaviour so why would I brush it under the carpet because of the circumstances.

All children find their parents annoying sometimes. It doesn't mean they live with extended family. They also wouldn't even have that option. Unless the parent is abusive or neglectful they live with the parents. I think there are more issues with your DH than you are disclosing.

@walkdlg you really are a rude cow aren't you. And you keep mentioning my miracle like there's something wrong that my son defied the odds to survive! So yes he is the definition of a miracle!

His dad has been there for him more than his mother has! His mum suddenly passed away this year too and he's also processing his grief still but he is not a bad dad to any of his children.
He doesn't want to make matters worse by forcing him to live here but he's instead trying to communicate with him and let him be involved in the decision! Which is what was also advised by SOCIAL SERVICES!

His dad never sent him to live with his grandad at all! He speaks to him everyday. He was practically living with us all throughout the summer holidays.

His dad has been there for him more than his mother has

And?

Is that your measure of a good parent ? Whether one is as bad as the other parent ?

OP ignore some of the comments on here. Some people really are incapable of seeing past the nuclear family model and think that blended families are always bad, no exceptions and that they are inflicted on children. They are also usually people who have “inflicted” terrible biological fathers on their kids because they wanted to have kids above all else but apparently that’s different. Biological families cause issues too for people, sometimes more so.
It sounds best that he doesn’t live with either parent due to his behaviour and the fact that social services agreed backs this up. There will need to be serious work done though because his behaviour is very worrying.

I don't want to upset you but children don't tend to leave home until they finish university in my peer or extended family.

The more you describe the worse it is sounding for all the children impacted.

I appreciate that this may be a case of being unaware because it's your norm but it really isn't typical for most families blended or not.

And whilst ss may say the child should be involved they certainly didn't mean a child without emotional maturity calls the shots.

He needs security that means never leaving to feel he is a burden which he obviously does as both his parents didn't fight tooth and nail to keep him with them. You don't let your ten year old child live apart from a parent unless it is for protection reasons.

But now you have said your own child stays elsewhere also. There's something else not set out here causing this unusual and nontypical dynamic.

What on earth do you think social services should do? Genuinely?

She isn't a cow. She's a person expressing an opinion.

In the quoted text there was no mention of the miracle baby.

The way you spoke about your miracle child previously was picked up on by some because you speak so warmly and fondly of this child (which you should, it's lovely) in contrast to the somewhat cold way you talk about the 11 yr old. The contrast was noticeable and noteworthy. I'm sure the 11 yr old would love to be spoken about so warmly too, to be called a wonderful miracle by his parents sadly but his mother and father don't seem to care. I'm sure he's acutely aware of how loved the miracle baby is and is able to see how he is not loved by his own mother and he can see the stark differences afforded to one and not the other.

This child has had a tough life and it's not ideal for a child to live with a grandparent. There is no way on Earth I'd allow my 13 and 10 yr olds to move in with grandparents because I love them too much. It is my job to parent them and I want them home with me where I can show them they r loved and look after and guide them. This little boy sounds so mixed up and to have been through so much he just needs love and care from his parents.

He shouldn't be allowed to be rude to you. But equally, he deserves quality time with you and mostly with his father and mother.

Sadly I don't think this child will get what he needs. He will likely get in with the wrong crowd, skip school and end up with MH probs or in trouble with the law. All that could be prevented by extremely careful and loving parenting from his father and his own mother trying to support him. But I don't think it will happen.

Saddest thing is this child will grow up believing there was something wrong with him. He was 'bad' or whatever. Poor kid

Fgs op, imagine you lived in a house with a mummy and daddy. Suddenly, your daddy pushes off with "auntie Cindy" and you're meant to be happy with it all? He's a child, with feelings. I suspect his "poor role model" mother has feelings for you that aren't entirely positive too. He'll know this.

Stop being so utterly selfish. You've just bulldozed into this child's life and are feeling wronged because he is "disrespectful." I'd be ashamed of my behaviour if I were you.

Has his dad always made the best decisions? Nope of course not but him not living with us isn't because his dad doesn't want him at all. He just doesn't want to force it upon him!

You and your partner have asked an awful lot of your DC in three and a half short years. Step siblings, half siblings, hormones.Your partners DS likely has SEN and cannot cope with all the change. The Dad needs to work hard with the school to get support in place and likely a diagnosis. His DS needs to be his primary focus for a while.

@CrackersAndMarmite the message has been deleted by Mumsnet so I'm not sure exactly what your looking at but yes my miracle was mentioned so please just make sure your getting the correct information.

Also the reason I even mentioned about my youngest son is because of all the people making me feel like I'm a bad person for having my son. I would never apologise to anybody for having my boy!! Imagine some random people on Mumsnet basically telling you you shouldn't have had your child because it wasn't fair on the stepchild!

@TankFlyBossW4lk I didn't bulldoze into his life for starters and second of all this behaviour just started this year, he was happy being here and wanted to often stay longer. He spent almost all summer here. He gets along very well with my oldest boy, but why would I still think it's acceptable for a child to be disrespectful and physical.
All you people saying how it's because my partner got with me and had a child with me and in the same breath saying he shouldn't be living with his grandad? If it's all down to the new family then surely living here would be the worst thing for him according to you?

Do you all sympathise with child molesters and murderers because they had a difficult upbringing? Does that excuse all behaviour?
Or is it better to address this before he gets even older and turns to a life of crime, expelled from school with no GCSEs?

I had a a couple of very traumatic experiences as a child, but never would I dare disrespect my parents or teachers or adults in general.

the message has been deleted by Mumsnet so I'm not sure exactly what your looking at but yes my miracle was mentioned so please just make sure your getting the correct information.

sorry, I thought you were replying to the person you quoted, but I understand now your quote was unrelated to your post which was directed at someone else who made a comment which has now been deleted

So your poor behaviour is supposed to be overlooked but an 11 year old condenmed for their bad behaviour? And they are expected to respect you, regardless of how you are behaving?

A lot of unhelpful posts here in answer to someone looking for support.
OP , can I suggest that you push for assessment. The school wouldn’t have suggested it for no reason and it’s a shame that the mum stopped it going ahead. If autism/ adhd is confirmed then the school will be able to be of much more help .

@Illgotothefootofourstairs thank you, sometimes I feel like Mumsnet is just for all those bored and fed up people who sit behind a screen and just try to bully people!

@Sweatinginthecold my poor behaviour? Which is?
Being a mother to my children and also trying to do the best for a step child too.

You might need to look at DSS as an individual.

You say your kids seem ok - they haven’t had a mother abandon them, maybe they are hiding unhappiness from you, maybe it’s to come.

You say the DC knew each other before - was it in the capacity of a family sharing resources? I guess not. And even if that was the case is DSS not allowed to express issues with his situation?

None of that means that DSS doesn’t have the right to be uncomfortable or unable to cope with what’s happened in his little life.

Also, him being ok last year - well we all view things differently as we mature. Maybe he was more accepting before because he didn’t know any better.
maybe now he has the maturity to understand on some level that his life is complex, even if he cannot express that properly.

Encourage your DH to push for the SEN assessment @Anon171880. If there is some neurodivergence, it will be difficult to correct his behaviour without understanding how his brain works.