To think 11 year old stepson is disrespectful

[Anon171880]

I've been with his father for 3 and a half years and we also have a child together. I've also got other children from previous relationship.
More recently his son has become more and more disrespectful towards me, rude, ignores me, even kicked me before.
His dad tells him off but it doesn't really make much difference.
I struggle to get along with him as he is just rude. Gets excluded from school with no consequences, told my younger children to f off when they went into their bedroom because they were annoying him.
Poured water on his 2 year old brother's head because he put beans on his phone!
But if I say anything about the way he is or tell his dad that I don't want to watch him whilst he's working if he's just going to be disrespectful then it starts an argument.

This is a child who is struggling. It's a tricky age anyway, and he is having a very unstable upbringing if he doesn't live with either of his parents, that must be an awful experience and feeling of rejection. He should be respectful to you, sure, but he obviously doesn't feel very loved and that's showing in his behavior.

You need to set clear boundaries about bedrooms and private spaces. If he doesn’t want to use the other bedroom maybe go out and buy some nice things to make it feel like it’s his like bedding or some nice decor. It must be incredibly frustrating for him to have such instability at both his parents households. He must feel like neither parent want to prioritise him and you’ve admitted yourself you struggle to get on with him because he’s lashing out. He must be able to feel that from you.

I think he’s probably pushing boundaries because he desperately needs a safe and secure adult in the house who will give him some structure without the chaos. Negative attention is still attention for children who feel like they’re having to fight for it. I expect inside he feels displaced and not very wanted and that does awful things to a persons self esteem let alone to a child. He could benefit from talking things through with a professional. Your DP needs to make the effort to spend some quality time with him one to one outside of the house instead of working on the weekends whilst he’s at yours if that’s the only time he has him. He also needs to discipline him effectively and follow through with consequences in an age appropriate manner and stick to it.

I agree with many of the comments.
@AnotherDayComeMonday the school suspected autism but his mum didn't continue with the assessment. His dad tried to get it sorted with social services but they just havent been interested!

@Hyperbowl he has chosen to live with his grandad.
The whole situation is frustrating as well because I can't make the decisions, it's up to his parents.
If he was my child then yes I would have him living with me but I can't make that decision.
He has been failed by SS and his parents.

Has his dad not tried to get him into a different school? How long has he been suspended and how is he getting any education at the moment? His father can refer him through the GP as the GP and school are the two main avenues to kick start the process. It’s an exceptionally long wait time though so best to start the ball rolling ASAP.!I’m not surprised social services aren’t being much help. It’s such an underfunded service they won’t have the time and resources to do so.

And I never said that, did I🤔
Her dh needs to start being a father. He's created this scenario by not putting his existing child first. This poor kid has clearly had a chaotic start in life, is it any wonder he is acting out?

I appreciate it must be difficult for you and that your hands are tied. You need to give your DP an enormous kick up the ass and insist he pulls his finger out and makes some effort to create healthy boundaries, discipline and quality time for him because he’s clearly lazy and ineffectual and it’s negatively affecting his child badly. It shouldn’t all fall to you, if this was my DP I’d be livid and ashamed that I had to admit he’s failed his child. It must be having an affect on your other children as well. Don’t let this lie and don’t let it be an argument. Be firm with your DP because someone needs to advocate for his child because no one else is. Just because he’s failed his children it doesn’t mean you have to sit back and watch it happen without a fight. Please try and have more patience with your step son, I know it’s incredibly tough but he just needs some love and stability.

@Hyperbowl sorry I might not have been completely clear. He got expelled from primary but he started secondary in September. He got excluded for a few days last week but due back tomorrow. School actually contact SS because they had concerns surrounding his behaviour and his mum.
SS should be helping when his dad and the school both expressed their concerns.

One of the adults with parental responsibility or guardianship of this child needs to talk to the secondary school. Is there some denial of this childs nees from his DF? There is only so much you can do as his step mother but his DF needs to speak to the school ASAP to try to sort something before this spirals out of control.

@DaniMontyRae I'm sorry but he was over the moon when we first had his little brother and he had a family unit with us. Many parents split, my children have had to go through it too. And unfortunately it's a common occurrence nowadays.
His parents had been split for a number of years before we introduced officially.
Also it is his son's choice to live with his grandad.

Ah right, that makes sense. I may have got my wires crossed there. The school need to be gathering evidence and helping his father to make a referral to the GP with regards to the potential ASD or special educational needs but that will be separate to any concerns that they may have with his mum. I am afraid I can’t give any advice about SS because it’s not something I’ve personally experienced but there will be a lot of really knowledgeable and helpful people on here who can help you.

All the adults in this poor lad's life - including you- are failing this poor child.
So easy to blame an 11 year old, rather than looking at the instability he's had to ensure.

OP is here looking for help and advise not a comment section on time travel child rearing.

@AnotherDayComeMonday his dad does suspect he may have some special needs, his mum was the one in denial. His primary school had put in a referral and his mum was all for it until she had to send the questionnaires back and then decided he didn't need any help.
Now he is at secondary school they have also come to realise that any time he stays with his mum she doesn't take him to school, sometimes fails to pick him up and have also expressed they wish for social care involvement.

@Crazycatlady79 I'm failing him how exactly?
I've spent time with him alone, made him feel welcome and shown him love. My family have also welcomed him with open arms and haven't treated him differently.
Have I experienced this before? No
My children range from 2 to 12 so I am not a novice when it comes to parenting however, this is a different situation and there is only so much I can do!
Can I force his mum to play a more positive and active role in his life? Nope!

So an 11yo boy has a mum who palms him off on a grandad because she can't find the time and a dad who palms him off on the girlfriend because he can't find the time. And you wonder why he is unhappy and rude!! Poor kid.

I'm a single mum, I work full time and still find time for my ds. Your dp needs to stop making excuses and prioritise his ds.

What reason have the school expressed they wish for social care involvement OP?
In any case whatever help the school are offering your DP should take, as his step mother you really don't have any say, your DP does.
He needs to step up.

As a Mum of children ranging from 2 to 12 who's not a Parent Novitiate, I'd expect you to have a little more empathy towards an 11 year old child who has been purportedly fucked over by his parents and SS.
You're blaming everything on the child - including his 'choice' to live with other family members (he's 11, for the love of God) and you seem to not understand why he might have 'suddenly' got worse at 11.
Jesus wept.

@Meadowfinch his job requires him to work weekends often and that's something he cannot change. Does your ds live with you? And do you work regular weekends? Different shift times?
If he lived with us then he would have more time to spend with him. Otherwise it is difficult. But his son does want to come here, regardless of whether his dad is working or not.

@Crazycatlady79 where in this thread have I blamed everything on him?
What would your advice be with regards to an 12 year old who would prefer to live with his grandad?
Force him to live with us?
Force his mum to have him at home?
His dad has tried to take the correct steps with little support.
He has engaged with the school and social services to try and get some assistance.
I have empathy but I also don't believe that every bad behaviour shouldnt be excused away.

I have empathy but I also don't believe that every bad behaviour shouldnt be excused away. He has been acting out, physically with teachers and verbally since he was in primary school, he was permanently excluded from primary school, he needs professional help asap.
Your DP can't be passive, he needs to advocate for his son and ask for help from the school and go to a GP with his son.

You keep referring to the fact the children have known each other for a long time, which is why you are surprised at his behaviour. Is it a situation where a family familiar to me were now my siblings?

I can't quite work it out but think he has step siblings also from your side?

It may be a very different dynamic for him right now due to hormones and confusion. It sounds like you are doing everything to try and support your stepson and on fact if I'm not reading this incorrectly you'd prefer he live with you and his dad.

I do agree that your husband needs to be more reactive and engaged in getting him assessed.

Social services are there to deal with seriously abused children - sexual abuse, domestic violence , nasty stuff.
not a child getting cross because there are beans on their phone. His behaviour wouldn’t warrant social work intervention.

edited to add that your dh has PR over his own child, if he wants to take him into his care full time he can .

Oh, puhlease, do not minimise what this child has been through.
And, I don't know whether you actually have any lived experience of working alongside Children's Services, but they are absolutely there for beans on phone stuff.
Being facetious aside, Early Help is there for families with problematic dynamics.
Please don't diminish the service by suggesting it's only their for 'seriously abused children'; it stops families from asking for help.

Kindly, he’s been passed from pillar to post by his mother and by his father. When you try to parent him you’re unsupported. He now resents authority. He needs parenting for his own sense of worth. You need to spell it out to his father who has to step up - not rely on you or an outside agency.