To think 11 year old stepson is disrespectful

[Anon171880]

I've been with his father for 3 and a half years and we also have a child together. I've also got other children from previous relationship.
More recently his son has become more and more disrespectful towards me, rude, ignores me, even kicked me before.
His dad tells him off but it doesn't really make much difference.
I struggle to get along with him as he is just rude. Gets excluded from school with no consequences, told my younger children to f off when they went into their bedroom because they were annoying him.
Poured water on his 2 year old brother's head because he put beans on his phone!
But if I say anything about the way he is or tell his dad that I don't want to watch him whilst he's working if he's just going to be disrespectful then it starts an argument.

He’s 11. Most kids change around this age when puberty hits. When he does something personally to you, you need to deal with it instead of expecting his dad to - so if he’s rude to you, tell him it’s not acceptable to talk to you like that, and he’s not to do it again. Have a conversation with him about it when it happens.
Pouring water on a toddler who’s just put beans on his phone (who thought it was ok for an 11 year old to even have a phone?) is kids being kids - and he’s just a kid! Siblings fall out all the time, and the more siblings there are, the more they will annoy each other.

Well we have our beautiful little miracle now and I wouldn't change him for the world!!
So will I apologise to anyone or be made out to be a bad person because I had my LB. Hell no!

And @Marblesbackagain the situation was nothing like this before. Things were good before. He was fine and spent every weekend and often longer with us.

It sounds like he isn’t being patented very well, and that no one is helping the children ti navigate conflict with each other. How is he supposed ti know how to react when I toddler pours beans on his phone? He isn’t a mature adult or parent. He needs help managing his feelings and also how to respond to little kids, set boundaries in an appropriate way with them.

Would you have had another child if your child was already struggling?

She probably would have, some people think a relationship isn't solidified if they don't collect children like medals.

Was the child with their mother and all was healthy? When did he move into his grandparents? Because no child of mine would be there if they have a decent parent.

This isn't new, he got suspended over a year ago? I assume the behaviour did not start overnight. So his father has had up to two years run in and what exactly is his plan?

Would you like your child to need support and not get it? If not why? So why is it acceptable to you to have a man in your life that doesn't have basic parenting skills ?

Let me make this clear, it is since around April this year his behaviour has changed. He was happy and was excited about the idea of having a little brother, he would love more siblings but I won't be having any more.
I don't need to go into the ins and outs of why I had another child but should I have gotten an abortion, no!
Condoms split, morning after pills fail!

I almost lost my son when he was born so I won't be made to feel like I was wrong for having my boy. So honestly if that's what you have to say then don't!

What a messy situation

Palming him off to his grandad isn't the solution but he clearly has a bad relationship with his dad. What does his dad actually do with him? Activities, quality time?

Consider disentangling yourself from your boyfriend if needs benor your own son will feel the same in 7 years time, and won't have thenoption of moving in woth grandad to avoid a shit father.

What is his job? Is it possible he’s having an affair?

If things were OK before he would not have been permanently excluded from primary school
That decision will not have been taken lightly

Let me make this clear, it is since around April this year his behaviour has changed. He was happy and was excited about the idea of having a little brother, he would love more siblings but I won't be having any more.

I don't believe this for a second. You're either re-writing history, or completely ignorant to the issues in your family. A child doesn't go from happy and excited to needing to live with a grandparent over night, and even then, you shouldn't need a crystal ball to work out adding a child to an early, unstable relationship isn't going to be in the best interests of the children that already exist.

He still lived with his mother but did spent a lot of time with us too.
It was around April this year he was expelled from primary school.
He started staying with his grandad in September when he started.secondary as it is really close to his grandads. He got sent to a school further because of him being expelled previously.

@walkdlg F you!

Well they kinda do because what else is a kid likely to say or do when told a new sibling is arriving? They can hardly express negativity, its not like that would change anything

@walkdlg you don't. Need to believe it as I don't have to sit here and convince you but he was very happy.
@Cosyblankets yes it all started around April! I can't remember the exact month he got expelled.
It's just all just sort of spiralled from there.

OP, who has residency? Officially? Is there a CAO in place? I am wondering why his father did not fill the forms in for his assessment for autism rather than his mum (who is getting a lot of blame for everything, I mean if she is unstable I'm not sure why his father didn't take the responsibility for the forms)

It sounds like he is really struggling and my DD15 who is AuDHD really struggled through puberty.

Can you circle back to the assessment? You are getting a hard time on here, not quite sure why as you sound like the only one who cares about your DSS.

@Anon171880 so we're supposed to believe he was a stable, loved, healthy, cared for kid and then suddenly got to the stage he couldn't live with a parent and got excluded from primary school?

Has anyone sat down with him and tried to get to bottom of how he’s actually feeling? Asking him if he can think of reasons why he feels like he needs to swear at people and kick out at people? Has anyone asked him if there’s anything they can do to help make his life happier or what he would like to see change? Within reason obviously.

Sometimes just letting a child particularly one that has had an unstable life feel like they have some control in their life will help bring them some stability and make their opinion feel valued. Also things that might help could be getting him to help decide and cook dinner or do some baking with you one to one. You may be surprised what he’s willing to help with if you try. Give him some responsibility even if it’s something small like doing a certain house chore and really big him up and praise him for doing it. He needs someone to channel positivity about his personality back into him instead of focusing on negative behaviour. He needs to feel good about himself.

You could also try letting him pick out some new stuff for his bedroom as I previously mentioned or creating a little space in his room that’s cosy that he can relax in. He needs to feel part of a family and not like a spare part. It doesn’t have to be expensive. Just a bean bag in the corner with some cool wall stickers or maybe a couple of cushions with a nice fleecy blanket of his choice. We all need somewhere as adults that we can just hide from the world when we all get stressed and children are no different but they have less reasoning to add to their own logic.

Has anyone sat down and reassured him that no matter what happens with his mum that he’s always loved and welcome and wanted at yours particularly by his dad? Children don’t push boundaries for no reason at all usually. I think he’s pushing to see if he can push you away because he’s scared that like his mum he will be left with no one. People need to make an effort to not take his verbal to heart and keep reinforcing to him that he’s safe and loved no matter what he does, but if he wants to swear and hurt people that there will be appropriate consequences for those actions because that’s not acceptable behaviour and you wouldn’t swear at him or hurt him so you expect the same back from him.

Behaviour is always about how a person is trying to communicate how they’re feeling even though sometimes we don’t understand why we are feeling it. Maybe just having a chat and trying to listen to him patiently without judgement or interrupting him might help him unpack all of these negative feelings which you can then try and put plans in place to help him with.

If he got expelled in April, the issues were going back much longer than that. Probably coinciding with the birth of the golden child.

He started staying with his grandad in September when he started.secondary as it is really close to his grandads.
I'm trying to imagine either of my parents suggesting i live at a grandparents because it was closer to my school.
How did that conversation go? Look son it's not that I don't have time for you now that I've got a new partner and child, it's just that school is by granddad's so it'll be better for you. Ok dad.

You say that but we don’t know how much the issues of his mum are influencing his behaviour. SS and the school have become involved because of it so it must be pretty serious neglect.

Can you imagine as an 11 year old or younger child feeling as though your mum doesn’t care about you or want to look after you properly when you can see all the other children’s mums making a huge effort to for their children? Even things like noticing that you have dirty school uniform again when everyone else has a clean one or mum never taking an interest in his school work or never turning up to parents evening or school related activities like your school plays or sports days when everyone else’s mum does. I understand parents work, I myself am a working parent always tried to book annual leave for as many of the school events as possible but im talking about never bothering at all. Not having your mum care about giving you a hot meal or making sure you’ve got your PE kit or adequate lunch for school. Maybe he’s picked up on the fact that his mum doesn’t care about where he is at night if he’s allowed to go out and do what he wants all day.

Kids pick up on their lack of structure and routine and crave both. He’s got two shit parents the poor kid. The extra sibling and associated stuff that goes along side it won’t have helped but that can’t be changed now and there’s clearly much more going on than just that.

This is a complex situation and you DSS desperately needs help / support. His behaviour is telling you that he is not happy / unable to cope etc.

On a personal level you need to take a take back. Your DP needs to sep up massively, having to work weekends is a massive cop out, plenty (mostly women) of us work lesser jobs to fit round our children.

I ‘look after’ my step children twice a year max, excluding when they choose to hang out at home if dad is nipping somewhere or taking one to party / hobby etc.

I asked in a previous post if she also had got a new relationship. It’s all so messy. Kids just become an inconvenience it seems.

He needs professional help. The adults in his life seem unable to understand or help him.

Step mums get such a hard time on here. You can't compensate for rubbish parenting by his mum and honestly you're in a rubbish situation.
Whatever the cause this boy's behaviour is highly stressful to you and harmful to your other children. You came onto this thread for support because if those difficult things you are going through and everyone is just concerned about the child.

Ultimately your kids matter too and so do you. You can't save the world and it sounds like your hard work is not being rewarded. Your DH needs to step up, but it's not wrong for you to expect non aviolent treatment from an 11 year old in your home, one for whom you do a lot and love to the best of your ability.

Sadly, you need to focus on safeguarding your kids too. I don't know what to suggest but I just wanted to say I hear your pain. It must be super hard.

I think it’s easy for everyone to label a struggling child as a problem and therefore give up on them or match their negativity when they’re pushing boundaries because they’re scared. I understand it’s extremely difficult not to react when a child’s swearing at you or kicking you but he’s crying out for help and it doesn’t seem like his parents, the right people are listening to him at all just have packed him off to his grandads because it’s easier for them to carry on with their own lives and him be the grandads problem.