To think 11 year old stepson is disrespectful

[Anon171880]

I've been with his father for 3 and a half years and we also have a child together. I've also got other children from previous relationship.
More recently his son has become more and more disrespectful towards me, rude, ignores me, even kicked me before.
His dad tells him off but it doesn't really make much difference.
I struggle to get along with him as he is just rude. Gets excluded from school with no consequences, told my younger children to f off when they went into their bedroom because they were annoying him.
Poured water on his 2 year old brother's head because he put beans on his phone!
But if I say anything about the way he is or tell his dad that I don't want to watch him whilst he's working if he's just going to be disrespectful then it starts an argument.

His parents are the problem

This is why people need to stop forcing kids into blended families. It's just selfishness on the part of the adults. Kids don't want it!

It's says a lot that this post is about the 11 year old stepson being disrespectful and not about 11 year old stepson struggling. It's a difficult age with hormones and starting high school, then add in moving to live with a grandparent and a new step sibling.

Especially if his mum is "useless" his dad should have been focusing on supporting his child with a stable home rather than getting into a new relationship and having more kids. Your husband is a bad parent.

Could you ask his dad to get an assessment started again

Very good point. If you look at how his life has changed over the past few months:

• New school
• New home
• New sibling
• No longer living with a parent
• Puberty

It is a lot to take onboard in a short period of time. No wonder he is lashing out. Adults would struggle let alone this poor child.

He’s been through a lot of changes.and I imagine the exclusion felt like a rejection. Not getting a local school felt like a rejection. Not living with a parent feels like a rejection. Dad choosing to live with other children feels like a rejection.

I expect there is too much for him to articulate and the bad behaviour is an explosion of those feelings.

Why is he living with grandad when he's got a father? Your DH is letting him down big time. He needs to start parenting his struggling child properly. Your useless DH needs to stop blaming everyone else and get his child the support he needs.

This probably isn't helpful but part of it might just be being 11 and hormones.
My own DC who recently turned 11 is a nightmare about half the time now..... nothing works, consequences, chats, time one to one, incentives work for a short term. I'm just reminding her of boundaries, trying to be kind but still firm when she crosses them, but always reminding myself one day she will be past this stage and I don't want to alienate her completely.
The exclusion from school sounds serious at another level though, so he definitely needs more support ftom somewhere.

Of course he’s telling people to fuck off. All the other kids in his family get to live with at least one, and in the case of the kid who put beans on his phone, two parents. He doesn’t get properly looked after, cared for, or loved by either parent. Even when he gets excluded from primary school nobody does anything. He can only have been 7, tops, when his dad left him and was allowed to make the decision to not live with his dad. No normal parent allows a 7yo (or 11yo) to make decisions like that. He’s been left completely rudderless with no security and no boundaries and the adults think he is the problem. I’d be telling you all to fuck off too.

Funny how it's always in these situations where the condoms split or the morning after pill fails.... 🙄

Yes he sounds disrespectful and no it’s not normal for an 11 year old to pour water on a toddler and the people on here suggesting it is need their heads examining. If he’s been expelled from primary school then he is clearly deeply troubled and needs urgent help. If he doesn’t get that then I dread to think what he will be like as a teen. And no, buying him a beanbag won’t solve the issue.

Yeah I'm struggling to see how a child ends up living with a granpdarent when he has two parents who are both capable of looking after him. Just because he "prefers it". I preferred being at my grandparents too, as do most kids!!! But thankfully our parents didn't just palm us off.

Poor kid.

This. Couldn't have put it better myself.

You’ve decided to have a child and blend with a terrible father.

When neither parent have custody of their children is because they are shit parents who cnba. His been removed from his mum and dad won’t because he doesn’t want to because the boy finds him annoying what a load of bull.

All children find their parents annoying at times we don’t go oh well ok go live with granny.

This child has possible sen and two useless parents. Of course there are huge issues and they haven’t just magically appeared. You knew he had a shit mum and a very lacking dad minimum but overlooked it for your little family together.

If he doesn’t step up for his child then more fall you for being with him. Good parent to yours maybe but failing his own

I think you're getting a bit of a hard time on here OP because at the end of the day, your step-son has two parents who aren't putting him first.
Of course you should be trying to support the lad but ultimately, it's down to his parents to be there for him and I don't think either of them are doing their utmost to make this happen.
Obviously I have no idea of his mum's issues or shortcomings but she sounds as if she's woefully inadequate, so if your partner was a loving, decent dad, he'd be moving hell and earth to provide love and stability for him. I'd be constantly pushing the school for help. I'd be going to the GP for help. I'd be persistently contacting SS for help and support. But most of all, it would be ME that did my upmost best for him!!!
It's easy to say your partner shouldn't work weekends but if he's 100% not able to work a more standard Monday-Friday job within his current role then he should be looking to change jobs!

You're getting a hard time on here OP but it's because of how you're framing this. This is a boy who needs help.

As a child of divorce (with circumstances much less complex that this) I feel incredibly sorry for your stepson. The fact he's chosen not to live with either of his parents at 11 years old is a massive failure on their part. They have both failed at parenting.

I find your comments about your 'beautiful little miracle' child somewhat jarring given the context of this thread. I highly suspect your stepson is feeling pushed out and unloved by both of his parents. Which must be awful.

His parents have failed him.
Poor kid.
Then you decided to have another one with the perfect father.

@Anon171880 that literally makes no sense. Child expelled send them to live with grandad?

I don't care how far the school is, what reasonable parent makes that decision.

That child is ridiculously vulnerable for the sake of logistics. Anything could be going on and his parents do not have his best interests anywhere near the top of their priorities.

Honestly ask yourself your little one ends up being expelled is he off to live with DH family?
No?

Then why on earth are the adults in this scenario absolutely fucking that poor child's life up.

OP I feel nothing but empathy for you. But bto be perfectly honest I would have no respect for any adult who did this to his son and I would not be able to look at him.

It will be a very short snap before your youngest will this age, think hard .

I think the horror at him living with the grandad is a bit OTT. The boy has expressed this is what he wants and he sees his parents weekly.
In many cultures, these arrangements are standard and they don't necessarily inherently carry trauma. If the behaviour is out of control, it's probably a sensible compromise to protect other children too. It can't be all about the 11 year old, the other children involved haven't asked for this either.

I do agree with PP that your DH needs to downgrade his job to free up weekends. He is failing his son there.

Well his bio mother is neglectful and his bio father has shacked up with another woman and not only inflicted her DC’s from a previous relationship on him but also impregnated her and had a child together, putting his desires to be in a relationship above his existing child’s needs for stability. No wonder he is displaying challenging behaviour and I think the thread title should be changed to ‘what help is there for my 11yr old stepson who has been royally fucked over by most of the adults in his life?’

I’m another one who probably sounds judgemental, but having grown up in a step family myself, and knowing several other adults who did, not one of us have come out of it completely unscathed and have some degree of MH issues as a result. I have made the decision that should I ever separate from my kids DF, I will never EVER inflict the step/blended family dynamic on them and will raise them as a single parent. Once they are grown and flown then the dating game/sex life can resume but until then the children that already exist because you chose to have them and have already experienced the trauma of their bio parents separating should be the number 1 priority.

We are assuming British and if isn't typical. It also is one huge way of saying to a child you are not a priority. We know separation from parents is traumatic.

And most cultures did this so they could survive!

Do you really think a child who is expelled from primary has the emotional maturity to make that decision?

Because most clued in parents I know would know when behaviour like this happens you pull them closer not create distance.

This child was ten not a late teen

So it came to a head in April when he was expelled from primary school. At that stage, he was living permanently with his mum but spending weekends with his Dad (and his dad was working some of those weekends)? When/how often did he see his grandad while things were 'normal'?

When he was expelled, what happened? Did his mum take time off work to homeschool, or did his dad (or you?) do that. Or did his grandad step in at that point? What happened over the summer holidays? Did he share childcare arrangements with your kids, or did his parents put something else in place for him? How does his Grandad look after him - does he feed him, buy him clothes, ferry him around to clubs, check he has the right stuff for school (uniform, books, kit), decorate his room how he likes it, etc?

I am wondering if he's essentially been left to his own devices since April, which will have an appalling effect on a child's mental health, especially if he's trying hard to deal with whatever it was that got him expelled. (Was he violent? Meltdowns? Persistent absence? Working way below expected level? Not all of that would result in expulsion but the general picture might help you and his dad work out what's going on.)

What's his dad gone since he was expelled? He's asked SS for help but not got anywhere. Has he been to the GP? Has he looked into what a private assessment might cost and how to go about it?

If child has been excluded since April, did he attend transition events for his secondary school? Did he settle in well or has he (again, it would feel like to him) been left to sort that out himself.

What's the situation like at your house? How many kids are there - who shares bedrooms with whom? Are there enough bathrooms for everyone who needs to to have a shower before work/school?

In my experience, when something traumatic happens to a child they experience the effects much later. Your stepson has suffered a trauma (not living with mum who is disinterested in him) and he’s acting out now. He tests adults in his life (like you!) because he’s not confident that you really love him.

Can I also assume that your older kids are younger so you’re unfamiliar with what it’s like to live with a child going through puberty ? Some of his behaviour is normal eg not wanting siblings in his room and panicking when some beans were spilt on his phone. I’m not saying that his behaviour is fine eg he shouldn’t kick you but it’s really common to find parents annoying at his age. Do you know that famous Tom Sawyer quote? “When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.” Substitute 14 with 11 (as kids go through puberty earlier) and it will be a quote that many adults will nod along to. Year 7 is a big jump from year 6. There’s pressure to behave much older than they did in primary and many boys seem to focus on negative “adult” characteristics like swearing, being cocky etc In my experience it calms down but I also had kids who didn’t go through what your step son did.

I am pleased that he gets along with his grandad. Lease check in with him about how you can support him. Living with a teen boy can be difficult enough without the neglect from mum issue. Im sorry to say that your h sounds pretty crap and you’re stepson is lucky to have you. I suspect you get some grief because he can’t directly tell his mum what he thinks of her but you are providing some normality in his life.

When you need help for your child, you don’t listen to the first “no” and shrug your shoulders.

You keep going back, you keep asking, you put complaints in, you email .. you keep fighting

His dad should never have started another family before his existing children / child were settled. No excuses should be made for that either. That said, now that you are in the position you are in what can you actually do? Doesn't sound like you can do anything as you have no power. Just enforce boundaries in your home and stick to them. If you don't feel comfortable watching him tell your partner he needs to make sure he's there at all times to watch his son. If he physically attacks you or your children again make sure there are consequences and follow through with them. There's nothing else you can do.