To think 11 year old stepson is disrespectful

[Anon171880]

I've been with his father for 3 and a half years and we also have a child together. I've also got other children from previous relationship.
More recently his son has become more and more disrespectful towards me, rude, ignores me, even kicked me before.
His dad tells him off but it doesn't really make much difference.
I struggle to get along with him as he is just rude. Gets excluded from school with no consequences, told my younger children to f off when they went into their bedroom because they were annoying him.
Poured water on his 2 year old brother's head because he put beans on his phone!
But if I say anything about the way he is or tell his dad that I don't want to watch him whilst he's working if he's just going to be disrespectful then it starts an argument.

What exactly has she done wrong? Nothing. Also “living with mummy and daddy” often isn’t the bed of roses you make it out to be. Living with mummy and daddy for some kids involves screaming arguments and abuse and they’re actually happier when they live apart or with other people. His mum sounds shit and she probably wasn’t any better when she lived with his dad.

Also living with grandparents only isn’t okay according to our culture. In many countries it’s totally normal and fine and those kids don’t go off the rails. Lots of kids do live with grandparents usually at the advice of social services.

It is not an either or. OP and her partner could have lived seperately until the DC were older and held off on adding another.

My response was to OP stating adults should be respected, regardless. The poor behaviour is making so many changes to DCs lives in such a short space of time without consideration for them. She's been with this guy for 3 and a half years, she's already blended kids of a difficult age and added another into the mix. It was a recipe for disaster. You see these threads multiple times I day 'but I don't understand why SC is acting out'. It's obvious why SC is acting out but nobody stops to think about the DC in the situation.

It’s so inherently selfish. I had a parent that put their sex life before everything. I just thank God none of her boyfriends also had children that were foisted on us. We all have different dads. We all have different family setups with our different fathers/grandparents. It’s awful. I broke up from my ex 10 years ago but only just dating now my youngest is 18. Maybe I’m an extreme case but my children will always come first with me.

The stepson in this case is an inconvenience isn’t he? I know how he feels.

I spent a while yesterday reading research articles on the effects of blended families and how it affects children both psychologically and educationally. Very interesting; but obvious really.

Having a new partner and living with them is not putting your sex life before anything. In real life very few parents stay single until their child is 18 and the ones that do seem to be of the quite suffocating type where the kids later say they wish the parent had had their own life.

I'm just on to page 2 but I find it abhorrent how many step mums just cannot see that the problem is their husband, often as well as the mum. Time and time again all the ire is directed only at the mum, everything is her fault, never a word against the golden husband.

Your step son has two parents! Two. Equal. So it's not 'the mum couldn't be bothered to chase a diagnosis' it's 'neither parent, neither his mum or dad, could be bothered to chase a diagnosis.'

It is. You can still have a relationship and not force your kids to live with your partner. It's only ever done in the interests of the adults, not the kids and then they moan when the kids act out.

Ridiculous. It’s literally only on Mumsnet where children are irreparably damaged by living with a step parent. Yet women who choose to have kids with total utter wasters and abusers are golden, even though having a shit biological dad is way worse for mental health than this kid living with what sounds like a caring stepmum. I’d venture that this kid would be messed up regardless of whether OP was on the scene and she seems to care more about him than his parents.

This

SPOT ON
This boy needs unconditional love, affection, understanding and boundaries, all in abundance

Having a new partner and living with them is not putting your sex life before anything.

It is. Don't kid yourself. It is NEVER in the kids interest, only the adults.

Lol nor is having more children after you’ve had one. Don’t kid yourself - your eldest probably didn’t want 2+ siblings.
The thing is people make decisions for themselves and that’s fine as long as it’s not harmful for the children. But this utter nonsense about remaining single until the children are 18 is just that - nonsense.
I teach young adults aged 18-21 and it’s a course where they have to discuss family relationships and loads of them come from blended families. Very very few describe it as awful or having messed them up - genuinely quite the opposite.

What are you even on about? You talk like there is a binary choice between staying with some kind of abusive prick or getting a new partner and more kids. Being single is possible. Being in a relationship is possible. You can choose to put your existing children first. And it doesn’t mean you’re some kind of insufferable helicopter parent either.

I think we’ve hit a bit of a nerve with you!

It's not ridiculous at all. There was a thread on here a while back and 90% of us who lived in blended families said we were unhappy with it. Adults kid themselves that the kids are fine with it to alleviate their own guilt.

It's not an either/or situation either. Staying in a shit relationship with an abusive man is not good for kids. I had a shit bio father, and then I had a stepfather and that did not make my home life any better. If your kids bio dad or mum is a shit parent the answer is not to force a random "replacement" on them.

You don't have to remain single. Just don't move your partner in. It's not a difficult concept.

Bit of a difference having more children in the same family, with the same man.

I have stayed mostly single but I have had short relationships. None of them ever even met my children. All kept completely separate. I feel now, that my youngest is off to university that I can consider living with someone but then, I read this forum and I’m reminded I’ve been doing the right thing keeping my home just for me, all along. Men can be lovely but I don’t need one constantly in my house!

You are correct on a few counts, this is a shit bio dad, the kid prob would have had issues regardless and the OP is nuts for choosing to subject her own kids then have another with a waster.

Couldn’t have said it better myself.
And wait for the fallout when they all get to adults and nobody wants to be friends with little golden balls because he’s perceived as having had the best childhood, whereas he probably hasn’t
Her two older ones with scarper at the first opportunity
And the two broken ones will cause everybody a lifetime of misery, what’s not to love

This. Exactly this

Op has just done exactly what she wants with her new husband who is an awful parent. The only people they thought about were themselves. Now she's irritated by the poor child

@Sweatinginthecold @KitsyWitsy yes blended families can have negative effects on children but there are also benefits.

And I've also stated that all this started when he moved home and schools.

His dad has been consistent in his life.

And if he does have autism then changes can be difficult.
A lot of women on here love to put the blame on other women. My partner split with his ex around 2 years before we got together, he has always been there for his son. When we got together he didn't just bring his son around. It was a gradual process and his son was eager to come round.

Now all you keyboard warriors who insist he wasn't happy and it's all because me and his dad got together are totally ignoring any facts I've given.

1. He could potentially have autism and or other SEN!

1. His dad has continued to see his son every weekend without fail just as he did before we got together.

1. If he does have special needs then this may be a reason why he wants to live with his grandad, where he has space and peace!

1. Nobody wishes to force him into living in the home with us when he has issues that needs addressing.

@MyPithyPoster and who's little golden balls then?

I know plenty of people who have been brought up in homes with blended families and none of them are messed up and are actually very successful, happy people.

My eldest half brother was brought up with my dad and is perfectly fine and had a happe upbringing.

SS is involved in regular activities on weekends, dad takes him out when he has time off. Gets along very well with my eldest. Dotes on his little brother when he's not irritating him.

And although my partner is not the biological father to all of my children that doesn't mean it was a terrible thing we had another child and he moved in with us!!

Our home is a loving family home where the boys are loved and cared for, have a family unit and can experience the warmth of a loving family.

My kids love their step dad and their father who has know my partner for many years couldn't have been happier about it!

I'm presuming most of you on here have trained in child psychology or something of the sort??

Oh and also being an only child can have many negative effects on a child!! Even more so in a one parent household!

Mom is useless, SS is useless and dad is useless 😑. Poor child probably just wants someone to fight for him, consistently and lovingly.
So many parents on MN struggle with troubled children, with no support from SS or otherwise, but they don't just throw their hands up because he doesn't want to live with them.

@Dweetfidilove his dad hasn't just thrown his hands up with him! He was living with his mum and staying with dad on weekends. Until mum decided it was best for him to stay with grandad due to school being nearby and whatever other reasons.
Dad said he wanted him to come and live with us, mum refused and DSS wanted to stay with grandad.
Now that's not to say that his dad has just rolled over and said 'ok you can do what you like'

He just wants to communicate with him and let him feel like he is a part of the decision. But like I also said, if he is autistic and has other special needs then he may prefer the more quiet and peaceful environment at grandads!!

Also I don't think many of you realise just how close our children are to their grandparents.
My dad has always been like a father figure to my eldest.
My sister's and I all see eachother multiple times a week, our children all go to school together, cousins have sleepovers regularly and on a Friday we all gather at our parents house. I have a very tight knit family so it's not unusual for me that my son wants to stay at my parents house sometimes either. He's at a different age to his siblings and gets treated like a king but the major reason is that all his friends get on the same bus as him when he's there.
Does that mean I don't love or care for my son? No because he's round the corner and I see him and speak to him whenever he stays there.
As much as I miss him when he stays out I also want him to be able to catch the bus with his friends and spend time with my dad if he wants to.
I love all of the children and one of mine has challenging behaviour too but as his parent I have more say and can enforce consequences. With my DSS I feel a bit stuck as his behaviour is not acceptable but I am not his mum so there is only so much I can do.
His dad is unsure how to go about things as he doesn't want him to feel as though he just gets punished, so how much do you let go? If his behaviour is due to all the things that have gone in his life do we let his bad behaviour slide?
Does his dad just excuse it because of his experiences in life?

He's old enough to get arrested now and I don't think that the police will accept the reason for his behaviour being because his parents split and his father had another child.

Like I have said previously, I suffered two occasions of severe trauma asa child but did that mean I had a free pass to behave however I wanted? No!

DSS has had counselling through primary school and the reasons he gave for his behaviour were that he didn't like his new house and school. Since then things have just continued.

So honestly for all those who want to put the blame on me and his father for being together and living with eachother then I hope you have some education around child psychology or some experience of your own blended family because if not then you don't really know what you are talking about!!

Sounds like he's got quite a chaotic life, not living with parents and new siblings to get along with and young babies to contend with for attention.
Maybe he needs some quality time with a parent and some stability

1. If he does have special needs then this may be a reason why he wants to live with his grandad, where he has space and peace!

Dad should be doing the parenting. The enviroment Dad lives in being too chaotic with all his SC shouldn't be an excuse for him to opt out! He shouldn't have made it so bloody chaotic.

OP, you said the DC is two and you've been together 3 and a half years. This isn't a case of a happy family adding a baby, you were pregnant within months.

I appreciate OP that this is normal to you, because your Mum had lots of partners and your childhood was chaotic. But that is why you are repeating the cycle, it isn't the best situation for DC.

All of that is done OP but Dad needs to prioritise the needs of his own DC, that are really struggling. I have an autistic DS and this situation wouldn't be fair on him at all. What if something happens to the grandparents? He needs to be centered in Dad's life.

You keep mentioning DC ending up in prison, as you've previously said that usually happens due to poor parenting. Your DH needs to do better. My advice would be to take things a step back, your partner move out so he can focus on his eldest. He'll still have plenty of time to play happy families with you.