To think 11 year old stepson is disrespectful

[Anon171880]

I've been with his father for 3 and a half years and we also have a child together. I've also got other children from previous relationship.
More recently his son has become more and more disrespectful towards me, rude, ignores me, even kicked me before.
His dad tells him off but it doesn't really make much difference.
I struggle to get along with him as he is just rude. Gets excluded from school with no consequences, told my younger children to f off when they went into their bedroom because they were annoying him.
Poured water on his 2 year old brother's head because he put beans on his phone!
But if I say anything about the way he is or tell his dad that I don't want to watch him whilst he's working if he's just going to be disrespectful then it starts an argument.

Can DP not do the work to get DSS a SEN referral? You say it's DSS's choice to live with his grandad - but if his options are his mum or effectively living with people who aren't his family - it's really not much of a choice is it. Convenient of your DP to be working weekends so he doesn't have to parent his own child. What would he do if he was single? Why did he have a child with you if he's not prepared to put the effort in with the child he already had?

I’d run like hell from all of this.

Yes actually I have many years of work in children’s services. Most early help teams do not come under the guise of social care, depends what part of the country you are in. this child needs love and care from his parents and to feel settled and stable. He won’t get that from strangers - social workers, coming into his home.

Poor child. All that change and other kids/people to deal with in his home. Has his mother also got a new boyfriend etc? He knows he isn’t and hasn’t ever been anyone’s priority.

You need to chat with Dh about the situation and insist that DH steps in takes the child on full time and sets boundaries, gets an assessment and all the support the child needs. The grandparents need to be told to stop interfering and to allow the child to be helped, not allowed to live with the family that will let him do what he wants.

If the grandparents won’t let this happen then you need to stop having the child stay at your house. Let the grandparents deal with him and Dh can see him outside the house. Don’t put yourself in a situation where one kid comes into the house and rules the roost.

This needs to be addressed asap op. You will not know what has hit you once he’s 14 or 15 otherwise. Eleven is still relatively containable. Your dh needs to start parenting his ds, start spending 121 time with him and bring his needs into focus.

A child of 11 or younger should not be deciding they want to live with their grandfather as their dad is annoying. This is giving them far far too much responsibility for their life and creating a total lack of boundaries. This lad is screaming out for boundaries and to be parented.

Potential SEN aside, he is acting out because he doesn’t feel safe. And because he has potential SEN, he is likely a lot less mature than 11. And because of the potential SEN, the parenting may need to be very different than were he neurotypical. I would suggest your dh gets some help with this. Bring a child psychologist in if you can afford it, parenting classes for parents of children with SEN, anything online you can find etc.

If your dp can change jobs to a Monday to Friday, this would be very beneficial

What a sad situation for this young boy, no real parents, and a completely chaotic schedule.

Your husband has very little time left to help his son and make changes before he's responsible for another angry young man being out in the world.

You and his dad need to actively work with his new school to continue with the assessment of his special needs.
Arrange an appointment asap- his behaviour is unlikely to improve whilst his needs are unmet. Also, ask the school for some counselling for him as a means of support for him.
I also think that 'he finds his dad annoying sometimes' isn't a good reason for not living with his dad. Eleven year olds don't get to dictate these sorts of decisions, especially when the alternatives are not very suitable.
Who is he spending Christmas with? This could be a good opportunity to make him feel wanted, loved and cared about.

He's possibly rebelling against being in a 'blended family' and having to share his Dad. Broken homes and all that.

He's never had a family unit with you, though. And yes it is very common for children to have their parents separate. What matters is how the parents handle the split then handle any new relationship. Jumping straight into living together and having a new child is not putting the needs of the existing children first.

As for it being the small child's choice to live with his grandparent, do you not see how messed up that is? You don't give your child the choice to live away from parents just because they sometimes find the parent annoying. It seems like your partner just took the easy option.

Good grief!

Well his dad has shacked up with someone with kids and then had another baby in less than 3 years, I can't promise I'd have felt stable enough to have behaved in that situation either.

Does he do any sport? It can really help the whole outlook.

Exclusions from primary school are relatively rare and usually the result of SEN.

It does sound like the child has not had the supportive and consistent upbringing that he needs.

If school have suggested autism to mum and she didn't want to do the forms then an obvious step forward is for dad or grandad to get involved and move the process forward.

This would not be via social services - this would be via the GP who would need to refer on.

It might be worth you looking into parenting techniques for children with autism as standard parenting techniques tend to not work.

The autism society also run parental support groups for parents whose children either have autism or are likely to - the waits for diagnosis are now so long that they offer support during the wait as well.

You might find the book "the explosive child" worth reading.

An 11-year old shouldn’t be deciding where they live. Try to nudge him towards moving in with you by doing up his bedroom. If that doesn’t work, he needs to be told he’s moving in with you.

Dad needs to push for a SEN assessment with the school. Mum and Dad were useless and didn’t fill in the questionnaires.

“Dad annoys me” is a catch all phrase children say when they can’t or won’t articulate what the problem is. It might be worth looking into a child therapist or getting his dad to spend a lot more one on one time where they can build up to more open communication.

Why is a child of this age being given a choice about where he lives? How is he able to decide what's best at that age? That's his parents' job. And mum isn't doing it so dad should be.
While he was acting up in primary school enough to be permanently excluded, how did dad think him being in a new relationship and having an extra child was going to help his child who was already struggling.
You say you knew each other before, so you were aware of the issues with the child, yet you still went on to have another child?
I'm sorry if that sounded harsh but you're not a passenger in all of this.

The longer the thread goes on, the more and more sorry I feel for this poor boy. Poor little thing. 😥

Still struggling to understand why the title and OP was about a disrespectful, rude boy - as if somehow the OP is the victim. It should have been about 'how do I help this poor 11 year old who no adult seems to care about and who is acting out as a result?

@Cosyblankets so basically I shouldn't have had a child to my partner? Or I should have waited till I was also older?

My children have also experienced a new step brother and a little brother. His dad moved in with us.
My SS used to call me to ask to come and stay over when his dad was working.

He gets along really well with my 12 year old, and on the weekends it's just him, my 12 year old and 2 year old.

Why are you putting your kids through this?

You are prioritising your sex life over your kids well being.

If your DP fails to understand this, he shows how he is failing as both a partner and as a parent.

Get rid.

I find it difficult to understand his fathers behaviour. If my child had a mother behaving as you described and was obviously struggling I am not leaving him living with his granddad!

I am changing my job, I am reading every book on behaviour, I am seeking supports. I am making damn sure my child isn't a statistic.

You have a severe DH problem. Why wasn't he living with his dad when the mother became an issue straight away? That child has been treated horrendously by his father.

Who went on to have more children? While his own was screwed over? Seriously his parenting is on the ground.

You don't let others raise your children. You provide stability. You change career if necessary. You step up and be the absolute rock solid entity in that child's life.

That boy is vulnerable to bullying, abuse, and neglect because his father isn't being a parent.

That child's behaviour is a significant indication he needs intervention now. Poor child.

I know you are doing your best. But the reality that child is being taught he isn't a priority to either parent.

@CrackersAndMarmite I've had a lot of advice from people on here but it all boils down to his mum and dad. I can be here for support and love but I can't make decisions about my SS.

His dad has always wanted him to live with him but his mum makes things very difficult.
Now he's living with his grandad, and I understand that my partner needs to address all of this.

No! Because your DH was in front of you shit parenting! Who on earth sees this and thinks god he would be a great father again.

When someone shows you who they are pay attention.

No, I don’t think you should have moved this bloke in and had another child. You already had kids, as did he.

so basically I shouldn't have had a child to my partner? Or I should have waited till I was also older?

I find it fascinating how unfathomable the idea of not procreating is to you, like you didn't have a choice. You already have children, he has a child who is very clearly struggling and needs support, and you selfishly put your own desires over anyone else's.

No
You shouldn't.
Because his child was already struggling!
Would you have had another child if your child was already struggling?