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Original poster

My husband referred to me as a “bigger girl”

537 replies

Biggergirl16 · 09/12/2024 09:40

To preface the thread, when me and my husband met I was a size 10 (this was 17 years ago). Sedimentary job, children etc and I’m now a size 14-16.

Another friend had a baby this weekend, every person we know who has had a baby in the last 5 years has had c-sections for a variety of reasons other than me. In general conversation, I happened to mention to my husband that there seems to be a lot of csections, particularly amongst friends who would probably describe themselves as super fit/gym goers etc and that I found it odd that I was the only one who hasn’t had one. His response was “bigger girls like you…..” my face immediately dropped and he didn’t even bother to finish the sentence. He immediately started back tracking saying he didn’t mean I was fat etc. He has never really commented on my weight before, and I’m under no illusions that I’m “small” but I have recently already lost some weight and was feeling good about myself again. I just can’t look at him the same, it’s completely given me the ick. We were already going through a bit of a rough patch with work pressure, small children etc. I feel this has put the nail in the coffin of our already fledging sex life. He tried to cuddle me in bed last night and I just felt nothing but repulsion. Can I recover from this?!

OP posts:
WalterdelaMare · 09/12/2024 09:46

I’m sure that was a bit hurtful, but that is how he sees you. He didn’t say anything insulting, just a statement of fact.

Until recently I was a big 14 and my husband never mentioned it. I really wish he’d said something to shock me into addressing it sooner as I was in denial.

Itsacoldcoldwinter · 09/12/2024 09:48

I would be absolutely furious at being referred to as a " girl" , let alone the reference to my weight.
Totally patronising, demeaning and unnecessary comment.

ToBeOrNotToBee · 09/12/2024 09:49

Do you think he meant bigger in other ways, ie taller, wider hipped and otherwise better built for birth?

username299 · 09/12/2024 09:49

I can understand why you found that hurtful but believe you're overreacting.

saveforthat · 09/12/2024 09:51

ToBeOrNotToBee · 09/12/2024 09:49

Do you think he meant bigger in other ways, ie taller, wider hipped and otherwise better built for birth?

This. I'm a "big girl" tall, wide shoulders, wide hips. Not fat though. Mind you, I still hate the expression.

HeddaGarbled · 09/12/2024 09:51

I don’t think he’s done anything wrong.

MaggieBsBoat · 09/12/2024 09:51

I would be horrified OP and would struggle to get past it. I do have an ED history though and my DH is overweight himself so it would be a pot kettle black situation which would make it infuriating. If your DH is a stunning example of gym bunny perfection then maybe he couldn’t help himself but still it would really destroy my interest and my self esteem. I am sorry he was such an arse!

Spirael · 09/12/2024 09:52

It sounds like you're the one that's taken his statement as meaning that being bigger is bad. It could well be that your DH loves your curves, so thought he was complimenting you. He only backtracked when he saw you didn't like it.

OpalMaker · 09/12/2024 09:53

You have said yourself that you’ve gained weight and wear a larger dress size now than you once did, would you prefer if you husband pretended he didn’t see or notice that?

Where something is a fixed and objective fact - I.e. I am physically larger than another person - whether that is height or weight or longer limbs or a larger head, etc - then I try not to get my knickers in a twist about someone making reference to that objective fact. If it’s true that I am “a bigger girl” than some of the other people in the reference sample, then the discomfort at someone acknowledging that, I think, is mine to manage. I don’t want to be lied to by those closest to me.

NerdWhoEatsMedlar · 09/12/2024 09:54

ToBeOrNotToBee · 09/12/2024 09:49

Do you think he meant bigger in other ways, ie taller, wider hipped and otherwise better built for birth?

He phrased it like a total twat, but might mean this.

Do you have sensible adult woman shaped hips?
Do your gym bunny friends have slim hips that resemble adolescent boys.

Keep communicating, his words were tactless, hopefully his meaning is better.

ascothelp · 09/12/2024 09:54

It's only bad if you think being bigger is automatically bad or worse than being thin?

Also it's sedentary, not sedimentary.

Thewrongdoor · 09/12/2024 09:55

He didn’t say anything wrong. And he stopped when he realised you were hurt and didn’t like it.

RabbitsRock · 09/12/2024 09:55

WalterdelaMare 14 isn’t big!

friendshipover24 · 09/12/2024 09:55

This is an overreaction. Getting the ick over a comment which wasn’t even meant to be hurtful, where your husband realised straight away that your feelings were hurt. Did he say that he didn’t find „bigger“ attractive? You are feeling bad about yourself but don’t project that insecurity onto him. There is nothing wrong with being „bigger“. Please try to work on your self confidence.

pimplin · 09/12/2024 09:55

Obviously there's clearly much more going on in your relationship than just this comment.

I'm a 14 pushing 16 at the moment. I am a 'bigger girl' in comparison to my much slimmer friends. It's not something that would offend me in the same context you mention. But there is much more going on in your marriage to have you feel this way.

Lanzarotelady · 09/12/2024 09:55

Couldn't get worked up about this, you have put weight on, sorry.

MiraculousLadybug · 09/12/2024 09:56

It's a bit emperor's new clothes to pretend someone hasn't gained weight when they have. But it's a shame you didn't let him finish because I'm sure it's well known that body fat doesn't improve birth experiences so he probably meant bone size or something. Otherwise, if he did mean body fat, he was talking crap so best to just disregard the whole thing he said.

JacquesHarlow · 09/12/2024 09:56

What kind of rock do you live under @Biggergirl16 to consider yourself “sedimentary”?

Deliaskis · 09/12/2024 09:56

Hmmm....you are allowed to feel whatever you feel, but I'd have a think about what's underneath this one. Because if I was to make an observation about teeny tiny gym bunnies seeming be more likely to need C section (which is probably not even true at a population level), and somebody said 'but bigger girls don't', I absolutely would not think 'fat', but would think bigger bone structure, broader pelvis etc. None of which is a judgement call.

I think you may have over-interpreted a remark which was perhaps very mildly thoughtless but by no means a judgement on your current weight/size.

It sounds like despite your recent weight loss, you are a little lacking in self-esteem, which is why this has hurt you, but I am not sure your husband quite deserves to be punished for it.

Can you recover from it? Absolutely, it's a pretty small thing, and you can simply decide that you over-interpreted it and actually it simply wasn't meant that way.

pinkdelight · 09/12/2024 09:58

ToBeOrNotToBee · 09/12/2024 09:49

Do you think he meant bigger in other ways, ie taller, wider hipped and otherwise better built for birth?

My thought too. Being bigger can be a factor but it's not about being fatter. It's quite the minefield he stumbled into though. I could see past it with my DH (and at 14/16 I am aware I'm bigger than several friends) but it sounds like you and DH have (ahem) bigger issues. Try to focus on those more than this comment if you want to be constructive, or if the ick is terminal that's another conversation.

toomuchfaff · 09/12/2024 09:58

His opinion hurt because even though it marries with yours (we know this because you started an effort to make changes and you've made headway) it still highlights that the last few years of life have made you "more" than the person you were, good for you on making changes to get back to who you want to be. Whether you understand that DH wasn't being malicious with his words, they weren't desired to cause or impart harm to you (think something like an argument, he wasnt calling you a fat b*tch or anything hateful), the comment was in general conversation that supports what you think about yourself? It's just previously been unsaid.

Unless there's more and this is just the tip of the iceberg.

JacquesHarlow · 09/12/2024 09:58

RabbitsRock · 09/12/2024 09:55

WalterdelaMare 14 isn’t big!

In today’s generation it isn’t….but therein lies the problem, and it’s why I’m constantly labelled a “skinny bint” by coworkers because I have the temerity to do sports every weekend.

LadyKenya · 09/12/2024 09:58

NerdWhoEatsMedlar · 09/12/2024 09:54

He phrased it like a total twat, but might mean this.

Do you have sensible adult woman shaped hips?
Do your gym bunny friends have slim hips that resemble adolescent boys.

Keep communicating, his words were tactless, hopefully his meaning is better.

Show quote history

What are sensible adult woman shaped hips? I have read some things on here, but that is just off the wall.

Allfur · 09/12/2024 09:58

Itsacoldcoldwinter · 09/12/2024 09:48

I would be absolutely furious at being referred to as a " girl" , let alone the reference to my weight.
Totally patronising, demeaning and unnecessary comment.

Are we allowed to call men boys? Furious is a bit of an over reaction

queenMab99 · 09/12/2024 10:07

Taken in context, this is not offensive or insulting at all, I understand that there are lots of reasons for women to need or want a cesarean birth, but narrow hips is one.
It is sad that the word 'bigger' is immediately taken to mean over weight, or too fat, and therefore an insult.
It started me thinking about other terms for overweight, in the past 'fuller figure' was used, as a child I thought 'figure' was a rude word, as my mum used it, (in a whisper) to mean developed breasts and hips!