My husband referred to me as a “bigger girl”

[Biggergirl16]

To preface the thread, when me and my husband met I was a size 10 (this was 17 years ago). Sedimentary job, children etc and I’m now a size 14-16.

Another friend had a baby this weekend, every person we know who has had a baby in the last 5 years has had c-sections for a variety of reasons other than me. In general conversation, I happened to mention to my husband that there seems to be a lot of csections, particularly amongst friends who would probably describe themselves as super fit/gym goers etc and that I found it odd that I was the only one who hasn’t had one. His response was “bigger girls like you…..” my face immediately dropped and he didn’t even bother to finish the sentence. He immediately started back tracking saying he didn’t mean I was fat etc. He has never really commented on my weight before, and I’m under no illusions that I’m “small” but I have recently already lost some weight and was feeling good about myself again. I just can’t look at him the same, it’s completely given me the ick. We were already going through a bit of a rough patch with work pressure, small children etc. I feel this has put the nail in the coffin of our already fledging sex life. He tried to cuddle me in bed last night and I just felt nothing but repulsion. Can I recover from this?!

I must admit I'm still wondering what a sedimentary job entails. Something geological, presumably.

Working with limestone I assume.

Hurtful yes, it wouldn't feel nice to hear, but it wouldn't make me be repulsed by him or be a deal breaker or anything like that.

The reason you're hurt is because you know it's true. I'm sure it wouldn't faze you otherwise.

Being athletic and slimmer is healthier in pregnancy. Plus, the stretching of the hips from movement is great for getting the baby moving. I imagine it just so happens that your friends had c sections and are smaller, not the reason for them.

Yeah I'd wonder this too? It's badly worded but he could have just meant "body more suitable for childbirth"
I'm tall and fairly robust lol, size 12 at my slimmest (currently 14) so would probably fit into this definition.
Although I'd also be hurt at being called a "bigger girl"...

You are bigger compared to super fit gym goers

The OPs issue is her own weight gain

Exactly.

I think you are deeply unsecure about your body and wanted to feel better about yourself by saying 'look all those women spending time in gym and still having c-section!', but that backfired.

And if you put the question to your husband the way you did here, you framed yourself to him as the 'unfit' one in your peer group, which perhaps helps explain why he answered as he did
Yes I thought this as soon as I read the OP. Basically OP saying ooh I wonder why I didn't need a c section when all my thin, fit friends did immediately draws the mind to that sort of comparison

Well you are bigger than when you first got together and there’s a fairly decent chance that in the context of the conversation he actually meant taller, wider pelvis etc. and it was a comparison you brought up by talking about your friends’ bodies and their mode of delivery compared to yours. This isn’t something to be upset/angry about at all let alone still simmering over it a day later. If it helps my DH called me ‘big’ once and he definitely just meant tall, which I am but I’m also very slim so it was obvious he didn’t mean fat or anything, and like your example it was all about context because it was in a ski rental shop where I needed bigger skis than ‘small’ SIL. It was nothing more than just an unfortunate turn of phrase.

It can be extremely difficult to know how to phrase these things, which is why many of us would avoid such conversations if at all possible.

Personally, I think you are being just a shade oversensitive although I understand how it feels. Maybe I am just a bit too used to being a "bigger woman" though, as I am unfortunately quite a bit bigger than you and have a daunting journey ahead to lose enough weight. I'd be delighted to join you at a size 14-16 but it's a little way off for me yet. I've also had people being a lot more tactless than your DH was, including a few in my own family. So I probably judge it differently to you.

I did think I might object to being called a girl (I'm 58) but when I think about it DH and I refer to the"the girls" or "the boys" regularly. It doesn't bother either of us.

I'd say you can come back from this. Talk to him.

This. ^ I'm surprised at the reactions on this thread, and also the poll result. This would piss me off massively @Biggergirl16 and really hurt my feelings too. 14-16 isn't even that big!

At least you know what he thinks of you. That's you're too 'big!'

I have been between 8 and a half and 15 stone for the 35+ years I have known my DH (currently somewhere in the middle,) and he has always loved me no matter what my size, and fancied me, and complimented me. I would look at him in a totally different way if he had ever called me a 'bigger girl.'

In the real world most women would be upset by this. Parallel world of Mumsnet and all that...

I mean it's a bit much to leave him because of a clumsy and rude remark, but let him know that you were very hurt by it. Your 'bigger girl' body has given him children FFS!

I think you were hurt because the reality is, you were being catty about your friends from a place of your own insecurity about not being as fit as them. You reacted to his comment as you did because you were being nasty about others to make yourself feel better and it backfired.

You can't blame him for simply stating facts.
Size 16 is bigger than Size 10, that is blatantly obvious.

RabbitsRock · Today 09:55
WalterdelaMare 14 isn’t big!

5ft 8, no. 5ft, yes.

I think you’re over reacting, also is he referring to your weight or to your build?

I think YABU. You started a conversation about the difference in your birth experience and that of slimmer fitter women. You were comfortable in albeit obliquely referencing your own size when your point was to compare your experience favourably with those women, yet you are offended that he used a fairly neutral term to agree there is a difference between your size and that of the women you were discussing. If you are offended by 'bigger', when there's nothing wrong with that, pretty much all of us are bigger than some people and smaller than others after all, then it's probably better not to bring women's weight up in conversation with him, as what can he say that may not offend?

So what is the solution ?

End 17 years of marriage and put your kids lives through upheaval over a ten second unguarded lack of thought and comment ?

I'm honestly shocked you've made it this far. In relationships yes people sometimes say stupid and thoughtless stuff.

Because they aren't on high alert on tenterhooks with everything they say 24/7.

Wtf? My slim 'boy hips' were fine with carrying my baby to full term and giving birth vaginally. Your words are tactless! Wtf are 'sensible adult woman shaped hips'? All women have woman hips because we're women.

I’m under no illusions that I’m “small”

Then why are you upset that someone also remarks that you are not small?

Clearly, your relationship is dead anyway. In a healthy, honest, loving relationship, what your DH 1/2 said would not be a big issue. You'd talk about it and hopefully he'd see that while you know you need and want to lose some weight you don't appreciate being told.

Evidently, he’s not the only one who has trouble with his phrasing.

Agreed

Now what the OP's DH said was pretty rude, but let's not start attacking slightly built women by saying they have bodies like adolescent boys!

Yep was reading this post and thought when did 14 mean big

It isn't big. But it's unarguably bigger than 10.

In any case, if the OP's DH still finds her attractive then it doesn't seem hurtful that he does so while simultaneously recognising the reality (which she also acknowledges) that she is bigger than other people including her past self. This seems healthier than if he was in denial and trying to convince himself you were still a size 10.

It was indeed rather insensitive wording and if you'd prefer him not to mention this again, then tell him. If he has an ounce of sensitivity he's already feeling like a right wally. I hope you can get past this.

At least you know what he thinks of you. That's you're too 'big!'

You're adding the "too" in yourself though. It's not what he said and who knows what he thinks?