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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband referred to me as a “bigger girl”

537 replies

Biggergirl16 · 09/12/2024 09:40

To preface the thread, when me and my husband met I was a size 10 (this was 17 years ago). Sedimentary job, children etc and I’m now a size 14-16.

Another friend had a baby this weekend, every person we know who has had a baby in the last 5 years has had c-sections for a variety of reasons other than me. In general conversation, I happened to mention to my husband that there seems to be a lot of csections, particularly amongst friends who would probably describe themselves as super fit/gym goers etc and that I found it odd that I was the only one who hasn’t had one. His response was “bigger girls like you…..” my face immediately dropped and he didn’t even bother to finish the sentence. He immediately started back tracking saying he didn’t mean I was fat etc. He has never really commented on my weight before, and I’m under no illusions that I’m “small” but I have recently already lost some weight and was feeling good about myself again. I just can’t look at him the same, it’s completely given me the ick. We were already going through a bit of a rough patch with work pressure, small children etc. I feel this has put the nail in the coffin of our already fledging sex life. He tried to cuddle me in bed last night and I just felt nothing but repulsion. Can I recover from this?!

OP posts:
WalterdelaMare · 09/12/2024 10:43

RabbitsRock · 09/12/2024 09:55

WalterdelaMare 14 isn’t big!

I said I was a big 14, meaning I was actually squeezing myself into size 14 jeans (and could probably have gone up to a 16).

(This might not be fat on some frames, but it was on me.)

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 09/12/2024 10:44

CasperGutman · 09/12/2024 10:43

It isn't big. But it's unarguably bigger than 10.

In any case, if the OP's DH still finds her attractive then it doesn't seem hurtful that he does so while simultaneously recognising the reality (which she also acknowledges) that she is bigger than other people including her past self. This seems healthier than if he was in denial and trying to convince himself you were still a size 10.

It was indeed rather insensitive wording and if you'd prefer him not to mention this again, then tell him. If he has an ounce of sensitivity he's already feeling like a right wally. I hope you can get past this.

Edited
Show quote history

No shit.

pumpkinpillow · 09/12/2024 10:44

Do you have sensible adult woman shaped hips?

I have woman shaped hips because I am a woman. I am very slim and sporty and carried and birthed 2 children vaginally.

I am probably not a sensible adult though 😜

Kamek · 09/12/2024 10:44

Fact is you are overweight and are trying to divert from that fact by criticising those who aren't. Seems like you wanted responses saying you're not fat at all and all jumping on criticising your healthy weight friends. But most people are not taking your side. It's far too normal to be overweight these days and so many excuses are made for the reasons why

SallyWD · 09/12/2024 10:45

As you were speaking specifically about childbirth and the fact you didn't need a c-section, I think it's glaringly obvious he was referring to your child bearing hips, wider frame. Mentioning your excess weight would have been completely irrelevant in this context.

Blondeshavemorefun · 09/12/2024 10:45

Menace24 · 09/12/2024 10:17

He has just stated a fact without thinking. He has stopped when he realised what he has said. I dont think you can punish someone for accidentally stating a fact. 14-16 is bigger than a 10.

This.

You feel hurt as he spoke the Truth as you said you had gained weight and not a 10 anymore

But

He also stopped as soon as reliesed he had upset you

Alchemillas · 09/12/2024 10:45

Most men would have the common sense to know not to say that. Just as women would have the common sense not to mention a small willy, even if it was factual and the man didn't want to be lied to blah blah

mechanicallyinept · 09/12/2024 10:45

Being repulsed because he said bigger girls like you seems an overreaction.

He's never commented on your weight before. Sensed you were upset and immediately stopped what he was saying and attempted to remedy the situation. Tried to initiate physical contact (cuddles) to fix the Freudian slip.

If you can't recover from such a minor error (if it even is an error) you must have an extremely brittle spirit.

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 09/12/2024 10:45

I wouldn't necessarily think you were being mean to the other women @Biggergirl16 but what were you trying to say when you said

"I happened to mention to my husband that there seems to be a lot of c-sections, particularly amongst friends who would probably describe themselves as super fit/gym goers etc and that I found it odd that I was the only one who hasn’t had one."

What was your point to saying this?

pumpkinpillow · 09/12/2024 10:46

Blondeshavemorefun · 09/12/2024 10:43

Yep was reading this post and thought when did 14 mean big

Show quote history

To someone who naturally is a 10 then a 14 would be big.
I am a 10 (or 8 or even 6 in vanity sizing) and would look too big for my frame at a 14.

Whatsitreallylike · 09/12/2024 10:47

The fact he said it wouldn’t necessarily upset me if it were true. But the fact it did hurt your feelings and instead of comforting or reassuring you he just dismissed the conversation and walked off, that would be a red flag for me.

Blondeshavemorefun · 09/12/2024 10:48

Yes @pumpkinpillow but I would call big 18/20 which I was

14 is not big

8/10 is slim

Beeloux · 09/12/2024 10:48

I had to have c sections with both of mine due to a very narrow pelvis. Maybe he meant you have wider set hips (which I would love to have!) but has worded it in a crude manner.

mnreader · 09/12/2024 10:49

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

pumpkinpillow · 09/12/2024 10:49

Blondeshavemorefun · 09/12/2024 10:48

Yes @pumpkinpillow but I would call big 18/20 which I was

14 is not big

8/10 is slim

I suppose, yes.

We don't know OP's DH was going to say in full so we don't know if he regards 14 a big per se, or that he's regarding OP as bigger than she was.

5128gap · 09/12/2024 10:49

NerdWhoEatsMedlar · 09/12/2024 09:54

He phrased it like a total twat, but might mean this.

Do you have sensible adult woman shaped hips?
Do your gym bunny friends have slim hips that resemble adolescent boys.

Keep communicating, his words were tactless, hopefully his meaning is better.

Show quote history

You don't know much about biology do you? You think having wide hips is 'sensible', as in, an act of choice by women with superior sense to those with narrow ones? Wide hips are partly how ones skeleton is formed, partly where we lay fat and how much fat we have. Reducing the fat by time spent in the gym makes no difference to hip width in any way relates to childbirth. And no woman ever has the hips of an adolescent boy. In your attempt to elevate larger women you are just being spiteful about ones with a different body shape. Is that really necessary?

pinkdelight · 09/12/2024 10:50

I happened to mention to my husband that there seems to be a lot of csections, particularly amongst friends who would probably describe themselves as super fit/gym goers etc and that I found it odd that I was the only one who hasn’t had one.

Looking back at the OP again after a few PPs have zeroed in on this, now I can see it was entirely the OP's point that she was the odd one out compared to her superfit/gym going friends, so it's her whose cast herself as the not superfit/gym going person who didn't need a csection. He's blundered with his phrasing but he's not saying anything that she hasn't teed up. It's literally the point she's making that she's not the same body type as the csection friends. The only difference is that in her head, that made her better/luckier whereas DH's comment instantly switched it for her into a major criticism.

LindorDoubleChoc · 09/12/2024 10:51

I don't think being fat or thin has anything to do with requiring c-sections. Not everyone who is fit and healthy and goes to the gym has an unusually small pelvis!

I was a size 14 when I had my two children - both c-sections. I have a friend much larger than me, she is taller and broader, and she's a midwife. She had two c-sections.

My own midwife was morbidly obese and had 4 vaginal births and one c-section.

You need to get that correlation out of your narrow mind.

Ygfrhj · 09/12/2024 10:52

You started a conversation that is inherently about bodies and things happening to different people's bodies and you commented on other women's bodies... Then got annoyed when he mentioned your body, although it seems like he had no bad intent and stopped immediately when he saw you were upset?

At my height I'm overweight at a size 10 nowadays and would maybe be obese at a 16. If you're tall a 16 may not be overweight but your body would just be bigger overall so perhaps that's what he meant?

notacooldad · 09/12/2024 10:53

WalterdelaMare 14 isn’t big!
It can be to be fair.
I'm 14 atm and I am definitely overweight and have a high bmi.
To say 14 isn't big is ridiculous. It depends on other factors.

WalterdelaMare · 09/12/2024 10:54

notacooldad · 09/12/2024 10:53

WalterdelaMare 14 isn’t big!
It can be to be fair.
I'm 14 atm and I am definitely overweight and have a high bmi.
To say 14 isn't big is ridiculous. It depends on other factors.

Exactly. My BMI was 29 at a size 14.

SallyWD · 09/12/2024 10:55

notacooldad · 09/12/2024 10:53

WalterdelaMare 14 isn’t big!
It can be to be fair.
I'm 14 atm and I am definitely overweight and have a high bmi.
To say 14 isn't big is ridiculous. It depends on other factors.

With vanity sizing 14 can be overweight, especially if you're short. I'm tall but when I get to a size 14, I know it's time to lose a few pounds.

Workingthroughit · 09/12/2024 10:55

WalterdelaMare · 09/12/2024 09:46

I’m sure that was a bit hurtful, but that is how he sees you. He didn’t say anything insulting, just a statement of fact.

Until recently I was a big 14 and my husband never mentioned it. I really wish he’d said something to shock me into addressing it sooner as I was in denial.

This!
I am very anti the ‘you’re fine as you are’ type of man. I have always said to DH please bring me up short if I am getting tubby. It’s not about how you look, but being healthy into middle age.

mechanicallyinept · 09/12/2024 10:56

On a side note when is it acceptable to mention a partners weight? If someone goes from size 10 to 16 that may seem reasonable due to aging, having a family etc. If that same person becomes a size 20 is that an acceptable point to mention weight? If someone is particularly sensitive what's the easiest way to broach the subject?

I mean it both ways DH or DW.

Purplecatshopaholic · 09/12/2024 10:59

I’m sorry op, I would be really upset too. Is this more about how you feel about yourself, than a clumsy comment from him though? You are bigger than you were and feeling sensitive about it? Him saying so means he’s noticed - course he has he has eyes, but it doesn’t mean it’s a negative for him. But it sounds like it is a negative for you. He backtracked and apologised? So maybe let it go, but if being bigger is an issue for you, maybe start to tackle it.