My husband referred to me as a “bigger girl”

[Biggergirl16]

To preface the thread, when me and my husband met I was a size 10 (this was 17 years ago). Sedimentary job, children etc and I’m now a size 14-16.

Another friend had a baby this weekend, every person we know who has had a baby in the last 5 years has had c-sections for a variety of reasons other than me. In general conversation, I happened to mention to my husband that there seems to be a lot of csections, particularly amongst friends who would probably describe themselves as super fit/gym goers etc and that I found it odd that I was the only one who hasn’t had one. His response was “bigger girls like you…..” my face immediately dropped and he didn’t even bother to finish the sentence. He immediately started back tracking saying he didn’t mean I was fat etc. He has never really commented on my weight before, and I’m under no illusions that I’m “small” but I have recently already lost some weight and was feeling good about myself again. I just can’t look at him the same, it’s completely given me the ick. We were already going through a bit of a rough patch with work pressure, small children etc. I feel this has put the nail in the coffin of our already fledging sex life. He tried to cuddle me in bed last night and I just felt nothing but repulsion. Can I recover from this?!

I think @pinkdelight had a good point with
The only difference is that in her head, that made her better/luckier whereas DH's comment instantly switched it for her into a major criticism.
Also, skimmed a bit so apologies if this has already been said but
I don't think the DH intentionally meant to insult her.

It seems like what stung her is that he unwittingly revealed that how he thought about her has changed because it revealed that he now mentally describes her to himself as a "big girl". Which hurts her because it might be revealing that he fancies her less than he did, when they first got together and she was a size 10, and because the comment popped up, not when they were discussing that, but in what she thought was a conversation about C sections, so it was a shock for her to see him thinking along those lines.

At the end of the day, if you've put on weight after having several children, who wants to be described as "a big girl", particularly if you've been making successful efforts to improve - it probably also stung her because she feels it reveals that he doesn't appreciate those efforts or finds her unattractive. And that stings.
It's hardly the most flattering description in the world is it?

He meant bigger than the gym bunnies that you specifically mentioned, which is fair from what you have said, he didn't necessarily mean fat or anything derogatory. I would be secretly a little hurt (as a bigger girl myself) but I would get over it as he wasn't being nasty and he tried his best to backtrack. You are not perfect, he is not perfect, but presumably you have a life together and you will move on from this.

Fucking hell @NerdWhoEatsMedlar

"Sensible adult woman shaped hips"

"slim hips that resemble adolescent boys"

WTF.

Slim women are actually women, do you know that???

And their hips are definitely woman shaped.

Do you also think that most of the women in say Japan aren't really woman like?

This wouldn't bother me. I'm bigger. I am not in denial about this, and have talked about weight loss plans with my husband. I find it more annoying when people pretend I'm not, say "You're not fat!" or "You don't need to lose weight" both of which are undeniably, objectively untrue.

Your husband was perhaps insensitive to say this in company, OP, but your reaction is completely OTT.

Let's be honest. You were being very judgemental about your smaller gym friends who had had C sections.

And then your husband calle you fat.

Touché!

Yes, I also thought there was some unwitting racism in @NerdWhoEatsMedlar 's post.

The irony of this poster accusing the husband of speaking like a twat and being tactless 🙄

If you are saying you are a 14-16 size then that is 'bigger' It's just a fact. I've been that size and I was an obese BMI.

I think you need to look at why you've had such massive reaction to this. He stopped saying it, he's tried to apologise. From what you've said here it doesn't seem to be that bad, so it's how you have received it that is the problem.

14-16 isn’t big generally speaking. Husbands who don’t know that ‘girl’ is not a phrase open to them for use need to get into the 21 century. Also, refrain from potentially uncomplimentary statements

Yeah, that was a silly post. Slim women's hips are just as "sensible" as anyone else's.
Whatever sensible hips are!

Sorry, meant to quote @ACatNamedRobin

Sounds like a factual comment to me, you are bigger than the women you were referring to. You need to get your body issues sorted if you’re not happy with how you look and not take them out on your husband. He must be tired of having to tiptoe around you- if you’re not willing to try to lose weight then at least own it.

It can be hard to know what to say when mentioning size can upset someone but not mentioning it can also be the wrong thing to do

Thanks everyone. Very mixed comments here so will just take it as face value and I’m being over sensitive. He is a brilliant dad and supportive husband. Just doesn’t have a way with words!

Talking about tactless, meanwhile you refer to slim women as having hips that resemble adolescent boys?

If you're a size 14/16, you are a bigger woman. You aren't slim. It's factual. You've actually been much more insulting than the husband ever was - he stated a fact (OP is bigger - yes not tactful, but factual), but you are making demeaning comparisons regarding grown women looking like teenage boys.

I can imagine what dress size you wear from these comments alone - there's always one projecting. No shade to anybody of any weight, but be realistic - slim means slim and bigger means bigger. If you're bigger you are bigger, not slim, and if somebody says that, they are saying something that is a fact.

If you're talking about tactfulness, take note yourself.

And obvious bollox.

I was a size 6/8 when I gave birth vaginally to both of our children.

DD at home. I raged her out standing up. Caught her, and straight on my breast.

Why do people say this?

Size 14 on somelone 5ft tall can be big in comparison to size 14 on 6ft.......

OP there’s no easy way to say this but unfortunately the truth is that size 14 is very overweight. I’m a 12 and when I had my health check up I’m on the verge of obese. Which feels mental and shocking but it’s true based on BMI.

Most the population is the same. We are a big nation (if you are in the UK) and we have normalised being fat. It’s our lifestyles as you said which aren’t active, and takeaways, processed food, puddings/chocolate etc. You absolutely aren’t alone and most women (and men) want to lose some weight - in fact you are ahead as you already have been losing it!

So whether your husband meant it that way or not you are a bit ‘bigger’ and although it hurts we all need to know and accept it as it is affecting our health. We all need a kick up the butt and to lose some weight. Diets from January!

I think you're being a bit precious OP. You've said yourself you have gained weight. And if you're bigger than the friends you were talking about, it's accurate for him to say you are bigger.

The fact this has upset you though does indicate you're not that happy at your current size, out of interest is your BMI overweight, or obese? I would take this as a wake up call and make sure you continue to lose weight. Not just for you, and not for your DH, but for your kids, who deserve a healthy mum that will be around for them as long as possible.

i agree . but obviously comments about overweight people are just the worst thing in the world we must pretend they are not overweight but if we think someone is slim well they are fair game. It’s ridiculous but sadly constant on here. I’m presumably one of the gym bunny boy hips that poster refers to but even I managed to push a baby out through my male like body.

@Dumbles · Today 11:34

OP there’s no easy way to say this but unfortunately the truth is that size 14 is very overweight.

Fuk me sideways. This thread just keep giving and giving!! 😆

PEAK Mumsnet. 'Sorry OP, there's no easy way to say this, but size 14 is VERY OVERWEIGHT.'

LMFAO!!!!! 😂

The parallel world of Mumsnet strikes again!!!

😆

.

Yep I agree, op you started it and you wanted him to say oh those skinny women how awful. Backfired unfortunately. Never try and make yourself feel better by running someone else down.

I have really wide hips and shoulder, 5 foot 8, 10 stone and I wear a size 14 (because of my hips and shoulders width).

I use to be underweight at 6 stone wore a size 6 around my waist (but still a size 12 hips/shoulder).

I have NEVER been called a big girl... very much the opposite.

Apart from height (I'm not short but average, with girls I know ranging mostly from 5.5 to 5.9 so I'm not noticeably 'tall') everyone always calls me tiny or skinny etc...

Although since going up 4 stone to healthy weight and to a size 14 (size 10 waist) I dont get 'skinny' as much but still get 'slim' or 'small'.

I think you are an absolute arse @Biggergirl16

Why would you pontificate about your friend's C sections?

I imagine the required response from your DH would have been along the lines of "yeah, just goes to show that being a skinny gym girl isn't best when it comes to having babies. Real women are meant to have curves" Am I right OP? Unfortunately rather than calling those women skinny to differentiate them from you, your DH called you bigger to differentiate you from them, which has ended up upsetting you. However what you required from him was very specific and nuanced validation which was very risky when you feel the way you do, and it back fired. If I were you, if you want reassurance, be direct with him rather than coming at it by stealth. And don't bring up conversations that 'just happen' to involve your weight unless you have the resilience to cope when it goes off script.

Similar size but narrow hips!

5'9"

Wide shoulders

9.4 stone.

Apparently "The average woman in the UK is 5ft 3in tall, weighs 11 stone (70.2kg) and wears a size 16".

Therefore (notwithstanding that BMI is a blunt instrument) the average woman has a BMI of 27.3 and is overweight.

So I'll stick with my "ridiculous" hips, my size 8 figure and my BMI of 20, thank you very much.

There's a lot of projection going on in this thread.