My husband referred to me as a “bigger girl”

[Biggergirl16]

To preface the thread, when me and my husband met I was a size 10 (this was 17 years ago). Sedimentary job, children etc and I’m now a size 14-16.

Another friend had a baby this weekend, every person we know who has had a baby in the last 5 years has had c-sections for a variety of reasons other than me. In general conversation, I happened to mention to my husband that there seems to be a lot of csections, particularly amongst friends who would probably describe themselves as super fit/gym goers etc and that I found it odd that I was the only one who hasn’t had one. His response was “bigger girls like you…..” my face immediately dropped and he didn’t even bother to finish the sentence. He immediately started back tracking saying he didn’t mean I was fat etc. He has never really commented on my weight before, and I’m under no illusions that I’m “small” but I have recently already lost some weight and was feeling good about myself again. I just can’t look at him the same, it’s completely given me the ick. We were already going through a bit of a rough patch with work pressure, small children etc. I feel this has put the nail in the coffin of our already fledging sex life. He tried to cuddle me in bed last night and I just felt nothing but repulsion. Can I recover from this?!

I too was a size 10 now size 14-16. I am a bigger woman than I was 30 years ago. I am also older, have more wrinkles, am less fit, wealthier, calmer, and have poorer eyesight and hearing.
All of the above are true and I’m not in denial about any of them. I am, however, not a girl. So this would be something that I’d pull him up on, but it wouldnt offend me.

I mean, it's not great but I don't think it's a LTB situation.

He has just stated a fact without thinking. He has stopped when he realised what he has said. I dont think you can punish someone for accidentally stating a fact. 14-16 is bigger than a 10.

Really sick of people doing this @NerdWhoEatsMedlar -

I am a “gym bunny” who plays competitive sport. I am a size 10 but I have enough “curves” to look decent in a dress

is there some possible way that we can stop belittling people who aren’t Sofia Vergara or Kelly Brook shaped, and accept that there are women who are slender and it’s attractive to some people?

the “adolescent boys” hips thing is just really mean and is often said by people who let’s face it, may not be happy with how they look but they sure as hell want you to feel worse first.

It was a one off thoughtless comment and you would be wise to treat it as such. Remind him you have lost weight, he may not even have noticed. Men are fairly useless at registering it.

I think it is!

It sounds like there is a lot more going on in your relationship. It was clumsy what he said but it doesn't sound like he meant to be mean or vindictive.

Are you happy with your body?

What point was he trying to make in response to the comment about c-sections?

I think you are maybe being a little oversensitive, OP, though I don't think a 14 is very big. In fact it's smaller than the average size in the UK for women.

well there are at least 2 things wrong with his half sentence.

First. you are a woman not a girl. Tell him to get to fuck with that.
Second. you have been together long enough for him to be honest with you. And for you to be honest with yourself. But also for him to know that calling your wife "bigger" is not on. And he can get to fuck with that too.

I am petty, and i hold a grudge. So i would probably wait a while then start half sentences with "older men like you..." and then just drift off or stare into space.
But I'd be doing it a lot. Because i do love to drive a point home.😁

youve admitted youre a bigger size so why is it hard to face the truth?

the word ick should be banned

Having a c-section is nothing to do with how fit you are. In all societies for most of history maternal death rates have been terrible. Its modern healthcare, including c-sections, which have saved women and babies' lives, not fitness levels.

And if you put the question to your husband the way you did here, you framed yourself to him as the 'unfit' one in your peer group, which perhaps helps explain why he answered as he did.

OP you feel how you feel. You can't help that you've got the ick now.

It isn't any more acceptable to insult smaller-built women than bigger-built ones.

I can see why you're hurt but you kind of led him into it by making a comparison between yourself and slimmer/sporty friends. What did you expect him to say? You put him on the spot a bit. The fact he has never mentioned your weight before suggests he's perfectly happy with you so try not to let it bother you.

Calling men " boys" is a way of excusing stupid, immature, juvenile behaviour by people who are supposed to be adults.

Calling women " girls" reduces them to children who don't deserve to be considered and respected as adults.

Why would anyone want to be regarded as immature and incapable of acting like an adult?

If OP's DH sees her as a " girl" he must see himself as the one with the power - the adult in the relationship and therefore the one who tells her what to do.

In the last couple of few years the caesarean rate has risen a lot. It's nothing to do with fitness or size at all.

This is about how you feel about your body not about how he feels.
You have internalised fat phobia.
Fact of the matter is that you ARE bigger than you used to be.
I am bigger than I used to be. After 3 kids I am now definitely 'fat' It takes a lot of work to have self esteem.. having been a size 10 pre kids. There's a lot of hatred towards bigger people out there despite size 16 actually being the average size of a woman in the UK.
The thing is you don't need to pretend to be thin to be attractive. Your husband clearly loves you. He comes onto you. He wants a physical relationship...
Saying you are bigger is a statement of fact it does not mean he finds you unattractive. It's you who are linking being unattractive with being big.
I understand as it can sometimes get me down as I am a millennial and was brought up thinking you have to be skeletal to be desirable. So sometimes I feel repulsed by my body. I can tell my husband loves me tho.. we have an active sex life he still finds me desirable. He still says I'm beautiful.
Of course I try and eat well and exercise..
But end of the day don't waste your life hating yourself and wishing you were thinner.
Don't take any reference to the fact you've got bigger as some kind of mortal insult.
Don't cause problems in your rely deciding your husband doesn't find you attractive because he called you 'bigger'..
It's just such a waste of time and it stems from your own self esteem.
Being bigger than someone else means nothing about what value you have.

Must confess, I'm struggling with OP's choice of BiggerGirl16 as a profile name when she objected so much to the term's use by her husband. 😕

Sedimentary16 would have been a better choice. 😀

But you said you were a size 10 when you met him. And only put on weight after having children. So him saying 'bigger girls like you' wouldn't make any sense in the context of weight and childbirth because at that point you hadn't put the weight on. Have you got a bigger frame than your friends that had CSections? So he would be referring to you basically having a bigger pelvis that would make childbirth easier? Just ask him, explain its upset you a bit and you'd like an explanation. I think you could have let him finish his sentence before you took such offence though.

I think he probably meant you've got good childbearing hips. But I would be upset at being referred to as bigger.

We are all bigger than we were decades ago.

I think he's touched a nerve and you're feeling upset. You've said you're going through a bad patch and his comment has reinforced those issues you've got.

If you've gone from a 10 to a 14 and are now trying to lose weight that's great.

I doubt your rough patch is because of your size but you've lumped the two things together in your mind.

Maybe work on each of them separately?
Do the weight loss for YOU as it's for your health.
Work on the other marriage issues together.

Was there something off with his tone that has upset you so much? Because my DH probably would have said “fatties like you” to me, but I wouldn’t be offended because 1) I am fat (size 18) 2) it’s our humour and 3) there wouldn’t be any malice in his tone. He regularly shows me and tells me he’s still attracted to me, despite the fact I was a size 10 when we first met. He supports me if/when I try to lose weight and expresses concern in a supportive way when I make poor health choices. That’s what matters to me.

He’s overweight too (not as much as I am) so perhaps that makes it easier for us to joke about.

Unless your DH said it with malice, I think you’re overreacting.

What a sexist, misogynist woman-hating comment.

How utterly sexist to seek to shame some women for their body shapes. Why on earth would you do that?

And the stupidity of the phrase ' sensible adult shaped hips.' How can hips not be 'sensible' sized??? Who exactly has hips that are not 'sensible'? This makes no sense. This poster makes no sense.

This poster needs to deal with their own issues in a more constructive way rather than writing nonsensical, sexist posts.

To be totally honest, in the context of the conversation you were having, I’m not sure he’s actually said anything wrong? You were making the distinction between you & them yourself in saying they were “fit/gym goers” and so you were surprised you were the only one who hadn’t had one, so he was just agreeing with what you had said in his own words?