My husband referred to me as a “bigger girl”

[Biggergirl16]

To preface the thread, when me and my husband met I was a size 10 (this was 17 years ago). Sedimentary job, children etc and I’m now a size 14-16.

Another friend had a baby this weekend, every person we know who has had a baby in the last 5 years has had c-sections for a variety of reasons other than me. In general conversation, I happened to mention to my husband that there seems to be a lot of csections, particularly amongst friends who would probably describe themselves as super fit/gym goers etc and that I found it odd that I was the only one who hasn’t had one. His response was “bigger girls like you…..” my face immediately dropped and he didn’t even bother to finish the sentence. He immediately started back tracking saying he didn’t mean I was fat etc. He has never really commented on my weight before, and I’m under no illusions that I’m “small” but I have recently already lost some weight and was feeling good about myself again. I just can’t look at him the same, it’s completely given me the ick. We were already going through a bit of a rough patch with work pressure, small children etc. I feel this has put the nail in the coffin of our already fledging sex life. He tried to cuddle me in bed last night and I just felt nothing but repulsion. Can I recover from this?!

💐oh love I’d be hurt by that too. I can see why you’re hurt. I think many of the responses on her are trying to help but I imagine feels like they’re putting the boot in. I think your DH had real foot in mouth. But I think you should try to get past the comment. Tell him you’re upset and that feeling attractive is obviously important. My DP is…obese and has got progressively bigger whilst we’ve been together. I’d really love him to address this but I am very careful to tell him how much I fancy him/love him and not mention the weight…but occasionally I probably slip up and say things like this. I bought him a cardigan last Christmas that was too big. I didn’t get around to returning it and recently I gave him it to wear as it’s very warm and joked he’d grown into it. I could see he was a bit hurt and wished I’d not said that.

Sounds like you've taken offence where it wasn't meant to be offensive. You say he stopped as soon as he saw your reaction. If he meant to be hurtful he would have continued.

I would have simply assumed that he was saying someone of your size might have wider hips etc and be able to give birth naturally (even though wide hips don't guarantee not having a c-section and skinny people also have natural births).

On a separate note, a partner should be able to respectfully tell their partner if they think they are gaining weight or getting a bit unhealthy etc without the other getting offended.

So you need your husband to mention to you if you're getting 'tubby?'

Are you not capable of figuring out yourself if you are gaining too much weight?

Do you always need him to help you with things in life, and guide you and coach you? Do you not have agency? Your own mind? Your own opinions? Do you always have to rely on your husband to advise you?

Good grief! 😂

If your marriage cannot recover from a slip of the tongue you have bigger problems.

Maybe take a look at your diet and exercise and figure out if your body fat % is in the healthy range, but don;t shoot the accidental messenger

OP has gone incredibly quiet.

Sounds like all he is guilty of is sloppy choice of language. Your post says that you are bigger than the friends you were talking about.

🤦🏼‍♀️

He’s never had to as we are both really active and eat well (both runners). But I would hate him to be one of those pussyfooters saying ‘you’re fine as you are’ to not hurt my feelings. I can take it - if I’m fat I need to change!

Rude!

Womanly bodies come in all shapes and sizes. Someone who goes to the gym still has a woman's body. A slim woman still has a womanly body.

You could argue that someone who puts effort into keeping healthy has a far more "sensible" body shape than someone who is overweight/obese (speaking as someone who is)

No women I know and see at the gym have an "adolescent boy" physique - that's not what the gym is designed for - there's a huge mix from strength trainers who are visibly muscled, women carrying excess weight, and even the "slim" women are aiming for, and do exercises specifically to achieve a curvy kardashian type body, with a large butt and defined curves, than very skinny.

All the "very slim" women I know don't go to the gym at all and keep their weight low by restricting food (and smoking). And even they have a "womanly body" because, again, women come in all shapes and sizes.

Apart from anything else, everyone suggesting OP might be "big boned" seems to have missed the part where she was very slim when they first met. Her overall body type hasn't changed, because that's physically impossible, she's just put weight on, as most of us do as we get older.

It sounds like his comment was insensitive but accurate. She is bigger than her friends. A size 14 is bigger than an 8, 10, or 12
(Again, I am a 14 BTW and fully aware that I'm bigger than slimmer friends, though I would still probably be upset if DH mentioned it).

He could apologise for being a bit insensitive but everything else seems like a huge overreaction to what is essentially just a factual statement.

In the workplace or other professional/formal setting etc women should be called women. In an informal setting or among friends and family using girl, boys/lads, guys is widely accepted.

Well bigger / wider hips does make natural birth easier 'good birthing hips' and all that.

Small, narrow pelvis make birthing more dangerous so CS is more appropriate.

I’m 5ft shaped like a 10 year old so an athletic 5’8 woman would be ‘bigger’ and likely more able to get a baby out easier. Maybe he means something like that?

How do you mean "mention"?
If you mean to bring it up with them as a health concern then it is never acceptable unless they have actually brought it up themselves or unless they are experiencing a medical issue due to their weight
Thinking that visually someone looks a bit fat now and you wanna bring up how ypu dont like it or how that might impact their health is absolutely never acceptable
I mean you can do it but I doubt your relationship will last.
If you really want to address the issue and not cause a rift then don't make it about weight.. start suggesting going on walks together to be healthier or start cooking healthy meals from scratch...
Commenting on how someone looks under the gusie of concern is never going to pan out well. It just hurts people it doesn't help them. If people are very noticeably fat then they are bloody aware of that they don't need it explaining to them.
And if they are on the cusp then you are making a personal visual judgement about what constitutes too fat and linking it to health.. which is shit and pointless.
So best not to make any comments regarding size or weight at all unless the person brings it up themselves or you know for an absolute fact its causing them a real medical issue.

He’s actually wrong if he’s referring to “bigger” as meaning a bit of extra weight - bigger mothers in that sense (of carrying some fat) are more likely to need a C section.

If you’re a bigger frame he’s possibly right, but as you describe yourself as having been a size 10 when younger and only putting on weight with age, children, sedentary job, it doesn’t sound like you are a bigger frame. Not an insult - you sound exactly like me tbh!

But why do you need your husband to tell you/guide you/advise you?

Surely you know yourself if you're getting 'tubby' (as you put it.) Do you seriously have to wait for him to tell you?

And if you're both really active, and eat very healthily, and go running a lot (as you say) why would you get 'tubby' anyway? Your post here contradicts your previous post completely.

.

Being slim has no relationship with needing a C section.

The few people I know who had C sections had them for a variety of reasons. It's actually more likely if a woman is obese or very overweight that they will be classed as 'at risk' and more likely to have a C section.

Being slimmer doesn't mean your pelvis is too small to give birth naturally.

So what's your point?
Why don't you actually articulate it?

I think it is about how you feel about yourself and also a bit your relationship.

I took would feel absolutely crushed by this. It would definitely affect our relationship and me wanting to have sex. But that's because of how I feel about myself rather than my DH saying that.

For context, I am the same size as you, also used to be a size 10, and honestly have an absolutely awful relationship with my body (always have). If he stated I was bigger (than I used to be or in general) it would be an objective truth. I am obese in BMI terms. However, I would emotionally view DH calling me "a bigger girl" as confirmation that he views my body the way I do, and that's what would break my heart.

Now, that doesn't make it true. DH claims he still fancies me, still thinks I'm beautiful. But that's how it would land. That's probably what you need to talk through.

I hate that phrase, it fucked me up so much as a teenager with people constantly commenting I was "a big girl"
Yes I'm 5ft 10 and broad, I wasn't fat in any way and if you stood me next to the men in the family you could see where it came from

@Itsacoldcoldwinter

I would be absolutely furious at being referred to as a " girl" , let alone the reference to my weight.

PMSL there's always one! 😂

I think you are over-reacting. At size 14/16 you are bigger (I am the same size and consider myself bigger).

That's just a fact. Your husband should be free to talk honestly - perhaps lose the 'girl' reference. I think you are upset because he verbalised your feelings about yourself.

Sorry if this is blunt - I really feel that if our partners can't be honest, then what is the point?

There's always one what?
Do you mean one person who thinks adults aren't children and shouldn't be referred to as such?

It sounds like DH just had a touch of foot in mouth disease. You were talking about your super fit/gym-goer friends. Maybe he should have found a different way to say non-superfit/ non gym-goer.

You were basically bragging that going to the gym didn't stop your friends having sections.
Your dh was tactless but you were smug.

This shows such a lack of knowledge about overweight people.
I completed the 3 peaks national challenge when I was obese.
Going running every day will not prevent you from being tubby.
You can't outrun a bad diet.. and you can't diet your way completely out of genetics.
Obviously running and eating well have a great impact on your health but they aren't necessarily going to prevent you from being tubby. Especially in middle age. Some people carry more weight than others naturally. The amount of effort people have to put in to remain thin can vary massively. Overall some people may prefer just to live a healthy life and be slightly overweight than starve themselves to fit a certain bmi.
People really fixate on weight in a way which is unhealthy imo. You can be fitter and healthier at a size 14 than any size 8. It's just more to do with the whole picture.
So of course you can be very active, run 5k daily and still be a size 14-16