I know his secret… thread 2

[Waffletots]

Hi everyone

I’ve been told to create a second thread as the first one is full https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5226374-i-know-his-secret-but-how-do-i-play-this?page=1

I am off to see my parents this morning and will update later.
Thank you so much for all of your support, looks like I’m going to need it!

Yes, you have to get a solicitor. You husband has not said anything, because what can he say? He behaved so atrociously that no apology is going to make up for his actions. Sorry to say, but he is probably with his girlfriend right now, and they are figuring out how they can come out of this the best financially. I’m really sorry OP. I wish you all the best, a safe delivery for your baby, and a decent Christmas with your family who care about you and your little one.

he'd set one toe outside from wherever he is now (her place no doubt) and crumble like a vampire in the glare of the morning light. That glare is the fury of all the women who have read this

Op this actually breaks my heart. Hope you’re ok. I honestly haven’t stopped thinking about you. I told my husband and everything and said about how amazing you’re handling this xxx

Sending you best wishes and solidarity. Are you planning to maybe stay with family for a few days after the baby comes, or have them stay with you?

Going to miss the birth of his child, literally one of the most precious experiences in life, because he couldn’t keep his dick in his pants. The reality of what he has missed will hit him one day. But by then, you will have healed and made a new life for yourself. It’s hard to believe now, but you will. Focus on yourself and your kids and keep going x

You are amazing.

I would speak to your dad first before doing this.

He really is an odious little scrote OP! I'm so sorry he has done this to you. Unbelievable he hasn't made contact, and I know people are saying he probably thinks what is the point when OP has the proof but for the sake of his children you'd think he'd man up and at least apologise or offer reassurance that he will financially still be providing for the children and supporting them in every way possible. Seems he is both a cheat and a coward, I hope he stubs his big toe every day for the rest of his sad little life.

OP, you sound so incredibly strong and brave. Your child and unborn baby is so lucky to have you as their Mother. Please continue to lean on your friends/family, you've got this xx

Like a lot of other posts, I have been where you are now. It seems impossible to imagine right now, but you WILL get through this. And life will be good again.

Sounds like you have a bloody brilliant family, OP. I bet your brother and SIL were so glad to be able to be there for you, and to continue being.

This isn’t about you . He would have been happy and wanted all you both had. .
This is about him … a type of person like him have it all and just simply want more …….just because …. Just because they can.

I always think of football players (not all of them) they make so much money and have so much of whatever they want , and then need higher thrills that money can’t buy really and do stupid stuff. . gambling , drugs and then the stuff of wayne Rooney .
That was about him not his lovely wife.

Lots of wishes OP - awful awful time, so sorry.
I just want to say - and hope I don't worry you - I split with my husband a couple of weeks before birth of our planned child. He knew when I went into hospital to give birth (maybe as I lived in a small village) and turned up (when I was high on gas and air!) and I let him in to the birth. Over the early days of babyhood we got back together and I let the reasons for our split go. However, at 6 weeks post birth we split for good - and I sort of wish I'd had the strength not to do those few weeks with him after but sometimes things don't go on an ideal curve and you do what you need to get by at such a time. Just to be aware how vulnerable to getting back together you could be at this point - and if you are don't be hard on yourself- but do hope you have sufficient resources from your family.
On a brighter note I sat and looked at the 4 pretty young kids I now had when we split as youngest was 6 weeks, and I did think, 'shit, I will never cope - it's just too much' - only I did cope and we were all a lot happier without him ultimately. This happened so long ago but I remember the fright of the future I saw that day, but it really went away so quickly and all turned out well.
Hugs and wishes.

I'm surprised he hasn't been in touch. Usually in these situations the cheat launches an immediate attack and rewrites history, gaslighting and blaming their spouse to assuage their shame and guilt. Or alternatively blame the ow for enticing them with their offerings.

Best wishes op I'm sorry for what you are going through.

Sending you lots of love @Waffletots. I was left out of the blue for OW a year ago so know what it's like to have the rug pulled from under you.

One of the best things I hear through this is "When someone shows you who they are, believe them". He's definitely shown you his true colours.

Lots of love x

Hugs OP... x
You sound like an incredibly strong woman (might not feel it!) to have taken such decisive action because YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO BE TREATED THIS WAY! I'm glad you have a supportive family, you WILL get through this and I wish you all the good things in life now and in the future xx

PS WE'LL NEED TO SEE PICS OF YOUR BEAUTIFUL BABY! x 👶

💐

"I think you need to get back in your car and drive away”

What a line! Hats off to your brother!

Don’t spend it keep it.
Tell him he has his half of the bills to pay and child support from this day onwards So he still has his half it out in .
F he can afford another womne he can afford to pay for his kids.

this! this nailed it.

OP i am amazed at how well you have handled this. well done! xxx

I'm so sorry you're going through this and you're handling it so well. Don't worry too much about harming your baby with stress. As my midwife told me, babies are born in war zones and are perfectly fine.

Have you spoken to your parents today and DC is definitely still there? I'm concerned if they don't know (although I'm assuming he also doesn't know that's where DC is) he can just stroll up and say he's taking him home. Make sure they know not to let him. I'm sorry if this puts an additional stress but I thought it really important to say something. Just in case.

He's completely shocked you found out, plus the evidence (there's no way of denying or gaslighting you). He too is probably trying to process all this, figure out logistics, his next step and how to move forward after this hand grenade that has been thrown at his life (totally self inflicted). This is what happens when you shoot yourself in the foot, when you think you're smarter than everyone. When you mess with two women: you will end up loosing both. Some men are really really stupid.

Don’t think of it like this, because that is even more hurtful to you to think he just doesn’t care, never cared and you and your children meant/mean nothing to him. That’s not the case, he’s just a really scummy person who doesn’t deserve you.

I think the radio silence is more that he KNOWS he’s lost. He knows he has an amazingly strong wife who is far too strong, independent and with the support of a fantastic loving family around her will not be able to be swayed into taking him back, listening to his rubbish protestations of how it meant nothing etc. He has walked away because he knows you are too good for him, and not vulnerable enough (thanks so having this wonderful protective bubble of a close knit family around you) to be emotionally manipulated into putting up with his hideous behaviour because he can persuade you that it’s what’s best for the family.

In short, he’s been confronted by the visible reality of who you are, and who you have in your corner, knows he can’t complete and has admitted defeat. He’s lost, and he knows it.

@Waffletots Big hug to you op ❤️ You and your children don't deserve this.
I went through something similar, and you will get through this. One day at a time.

i personally think that once you do this, you are giving him free reign to do the same, tit for tat, or give him an excuse to stop paying money into it, so be careful. But also remember that he isn’t really the person you thought he was, he may try and control things through the finances if he can’t get to you any other way.

If there is a lot in the joint account, you could take some out but send him a message to say you have transferred x amount of the joint account to safeguard paying the bills for x amount of months etc while everything gets sorted.

at some point you will have to have a conversation about practical matters anyway, especially regarding your 3 year old, but you can let the dust settle first, he owes you that at least.

I'm sorry you are going through this OP. He's a faithless toad with the integrity of mouldy custard and he doesn't deserve you and his lovely children. His radio silence speaks volumes. He's either shameless and thinks he's done nothing wrong, or he knows exactly how horrible he is and that you have nothing to say to him.

Money in a joint bank account is owned by you equally, regardless of who deposited it. Take the half that you put in at least, so that he can't. If his half was intended for bills, shopping etc, take that too, before he can. If he's aggrieved about that, he can raise it with his solicitor, along with the shed-load of other legal, financial and other issues he's brought down on his head.

This link might be a useful one for you to work through, either on your own or with someone else; you said your Dad's good with money-related stuff.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/sorting-out-money/dividing-up-money-and-belongings-when-you-separate/