Page 3 | I know his secret… thread 2

Waffletots · 2024-12-09T08:43:04+00:00

Hi everyone I’ve been told to create a second thread as the first one is full [[https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5226374-i-know-his-secret-but-how-do-i-play-this?page=1 https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5226374-i-know-his-secret-but-how-do-i-play-this?page=1]] I am off to see my parents this morning and will update later. Thank you so much for all of your support, looks like I’m going to need it!

Original poster

Waffletots · 09/12/2024 09:21

OatFlatWhiteForMePlease · 09/12/2024 09:20

Hope you got some sleep. X

Not a wink! I’m hoping once I’ve told my parents and talked it through I will feel like I can sleep.

OP posts:

courageandwisdom · 09/12/2024 09:23

As I said on your laat thread, I'm so sorry that this happening to you, especially at this time of year, and with your baby nearly due.

I'm also really sorry that he's not even bothered to try to fight for you, or at the very least apologise and attempt to explain himself.

I know there's nothing he could say to make it better, but you think he'd try.

It's great that your have family close by to support you.
I hope you can manage to still enjoy Christmas on some level.

I'm assuming he just thought he'd get away with it, but I wonder if he was planning to leave and if he's happy she told you, or if it was his idea (cowards way out), as it has saved him from having to confess to you face to face.

Either that, or she's forced his hand and he's angry with her.

Then again, I don't suppose it really matters either way.

It's just a shame for you that it's marred Christmas and the upcoming birth of your next child.
In some ways, maybe it would've been better to find out, either much earlier in the year, or after the birth/Christmas, so as not to be tied to those events for evermore.

Anyway, ignore my ramblings. @Waffletots I wish you every strength 💪🏽 🙏🏼 to get through this as unscathed as is possible.
I hope you're still able to have a good Christmas and wish you all the best with the upcoming birth.💐
Please remember that this is all on him and his shortcomings, and has nothing to do with you 💐

RadFs · 09/12/2024 09:24

@Waffletots ive been reading your thread since you first posted. Just wanted to say hang in there x

YourWinter · 09/12/2024 09:24

Thinking of you OP. Men are so prone to keeping their brains in their underwear. You don’t need this.

Absolutely do get half of any joint account money into your sole name, before he clears them out. Take photos of any paperwork you can find that may possibly be useful, in case he comes round to remove it (eg house, car, insurance and pension stuff). It’s likely to get worse before it gets better. Been there, though my youngest had possibly been born by the time my ex was sleeping with his colleague, certainly by the time I found out.

I wish you and your little ones well.

Squashinthepinkcup · 09/12/2024 09:24

OatFlatWhiteForMePlease · 09/12/2024 09:21

Scotland too!

Show quote history

@TheaBrandt Germany too. If emotions had physical force he'd have a global tidal wave at his door.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 09/12/2024 09:24

Waffletots · 09/12/2024 09:21

Not a wink! I’m hoping once I’ve told my parents and talked it through I will feel like I can sleep.

Show quote history

Oh OP, you really are an inspiration - such a role model to your children! Glad you've got family support around you, you're doing great x

Onlycoffee · 09/12/2024 09:24

I admire your strength and courage. Your plan last night was breathtaking!

His silence is strange, the game is up and the carefully crafted double life he's been leading has come crashing down. I should imagine there's some cognitive dissonance happening in his little custard brain.

Thinking of you today, you've got a great army of invisible women surrounding you 💐

RadFs · 09/12/2024 09:25

@Waffletots the radio silence is unbelievable. The least he could say is he’s sorry but he probably isn’t.

BMW6 · 09/12/2024 09:27

I hope so, SO much that the OW dumps his lying ass as well.

You're astoundingly strong OP and I'm so glad you have such good support IRL as well as from here.

I'm not too surprised by his silence - what could he possibly say?

IME most some men (and a very very few women) can totally seperate Sex from Love. If an opportunity to get sex with someone other than wife/partner/gf arises they won't resist much, if at all. They don't think of consequences much, if at all.

My own father was like this. He should never have committed to marriage and letting children be conceived, he was a Player all his adult life.
He too never offered any defence or excuse.

Whatever reason your DH had, even if just "it was available" the trust is broken and the marriage is over.

He can still be a good father in future. You can find happiness without him.

2022NewTimes · 09/12/2024 09:28

YourWinter · 09/12/2024 09:24

Thinking of you OP. Men are so prone to keeping their brains in their underwear. You don’t need this.

Absolutely do get half of any joint account money into your sole name, before he clears them out. Take photos of any paperwork you can find that may possibly be useful, in case he comes round to remove it (eg house, car, insurance and pension stuff). It’s likely to get worse before it gets better. Been there, though my youngest had possibly been born by the time my ex was sleeping with his colleague, certainly by the time I found out.

I wish you and your little ones well.

Edited

@Waffletots - definitely take your half of the money NOW..... I nearly lost half our savings by trusting him not to touch the savings account - he had gone through half of it before I realized and quickly took my half before its was all gone !!

lespameo · 09/12/2024 09:28

Thinking of you @Waffletots
Like so many others have said, you're being so strong. I wouldn't move money out of the joint account. Don't let him have anything over you for now... carry on being the bigger person and make him squirm.

calmandcollected101 · 09/12/2024 09:29

Good morning

Thinking of you. Your strength is commendable. It isn't easy at all, as I've been there

I'm glad you have such great support around you and you will get through this. The best thing you got from the relationship are your children.

One day at a time xxx

K0OLA1D · 09/12/2024 09:31

I can't believe the spineless bastard hasn't even tried to apologise.

Tessabelle74 · 09/12/2024 09:33

Oh OP, my heart is breaking for you but you're bloody amazing! Your world feels like it's ended right now, I've been there, (although luckily for me no kids involved) Take one day at a time, cry and scream if you need to, you're grieving the life you thought you had and that's ok. Hug your little one tight and focus on your babies, these are the good things you got from this relationship, it wasn't all wasted. Big hugs to you xx

TortillasAndSalsa · 09/12/2024 09:33

So sorry that your having to go through this especially when you are so heavily pregnant 😔 your husband is an absolute disgrace and his silence speaks volumes. If you have a midwife appointment coming up I'd maybe ask for an sti test just to be on the safe side especially when you are so close to giving birth

thepariscrimefiles · 09/12/2024 09:34

TheFormidableMrsC · 09/12/2024 09:07

Morning my love, so glad you started a new thread. When this happened to me, my MN threads were a lifesaver. You will be overwhelmed with advice/things to do but I'm going to say a few things that I'd wished I'd done at the time and practical tips. Like you, I had a toddler and was completely blindsided.

Firstly, keep communication with him to a minimum. Look at the Grey Rock method. At the same time, block OW everywhere. She's got to go to work this morning knowing that she's thrown a bomb into your life. Don't give her any oxygen.

Read "The Script" that can be found on here. This will prepare you for his excuses, gaslighting and ultimately blaming you for his actions.

Find a solicitor for an initial consultation. On the back of that, make sure you know exactly where all important financial documents are and keep them to one side. Withdraw cash from the bank before he does. I'd be striking while the iron is hot because he is more likely to agree to things while feeling guilty and that WILL change. When he realises the impact of his behaviour he will be nasty. Do it while you can.

Don't change the locks. He's entitled to access to his home and you can't stop that at this stage. Doesn't mean you have to be there.

Speak to midwife/GP.

Don't play the "pick me" dance like I did. He's betrayed you for a whole year and during your pregnancy. He won't change and accepting he's a cheating arse is better than thinking you can somehow salvage this.

Lean on friends and family (and us here). There will be many women who have been through this exact scenario and who can tell you that you will be OK, however distressing things are now.

Apply for UC if you're entitled (easy to do online and extra cash hopefully). Get the council tax reduction as a single person. Make sure child benefit is in your name.

I'm sure there will be other things to mention but for now, it's practicalities and getting your ducks in a row as it were.

It sounds as if you have an amazing family and will have a lot of support to see you through. You WILL get through this and life will be happy again. One foot in front of the other

A lot of great advice here OP.

LeBonBon · 09/12/2024 09:35

BMW6 · 09/12/2024 09:27

I hope so, SO much that the OW dumps his lying ass as well.

You're astoundingly strong OP and I'm so glad you have such good support IRL as well as from here.

I'm not too surprised by his silence - what could he possibly say?

IME most some men (and a very very few women) can totally seperate Sex from Love. If an opportunity to get sex with someone other than wife/partner/gf arises they won't resist much, if at all. They don't think of consequences much, if at all.

My own father was like this. He should never have committed to marriage and letting children be conceived, he was a Player all his adult life.
He too never offered any defence or excuse.

Whatever reason your DH had, even if just "it was available" the trust is broken and the marriage is over.

He can still be a good father in future. You can find happiness without him.

I don't know that she will. Unfortunately I do know of someone who was with someone from work who was "separated" from his wife and living in another country for work when they got together. One day he disappeared without saying a word to the OW - she contacted friends and family, and he was still with his DW and new baby. After a whole year.

The whole thing blew up and he called OW obsessive, crazy etc. But his DW kicked him out and OW took him back. 10 years later they are still together, not married (he's not divorced) and no kids. I think partly because OW doesn't fully trust him to not do the same again. Lives ruined for nothing.

OW in this case is down enough to go nuclear, so she'll probably take him in to save face and "win". The worst prize going.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 09/12/2024 09:36

You are amazing. You will get through this. Will be thinking of you.

SprostenGreen · 09/12/2024 09:36

What a fantastic role model you are for your children. I split from my ex when DS1 was 3, his life has been so much better for my decision back then even though I agonised over it and felt guilty. i wasted a lot of worry about that unneccesarily. He’s 19 now and has grown up to know not to put up with people treating you badly, and that has helped his life experiences too.

love and strength to to you.

BMW6 · 09/12/2024 09:37

K0OLA1D · 09/12/2024 09:31

I can't believe the spineless bastard hasn't even tried to apologise.

I don't think it's possible to apologise for an affair.

A drunken ONS perhaps, but not repeatedly having sex with another person on the sly.

He can certainly be sorry he's been caught out, but he can't claim to be really sorry for betraying the OP over and over and over again.

He's been a lying cheating cunt, he knows it, his silence gives assent.

There's really nothing he CAN say, is there.

MaggieBsBoat · 09/12/2024 09:37

I’ve just read through your thread @Waffletots
Of course, this is hideous on every level, but you are stronger than he could ever have realised before and you are showing it now. I am so sorry you are going through this. Contrary to the above post I think it’s better you know now. He won’t be at the birth of your precious new baby and he won’t get a chance to make a lie out of your Christmas. He will make a fool of you no longer. There will be harder times ahead. But you are mighty and you have much support. Much love to you.

PinkyFlamingo · 09/12/2024 09:37

Be kind to yourself, I was in same position and everyone was saying I was so strong but behind closed doors I fell apart on a regular basis. Over a year down the line it's less raw but the betrayal I'm still struggling to deal with. Bit I will never take him back.

ToBeOrNotToBee · 09/12/2024 09:38

You're doing incredible and I'm so pleased you have such great support around you.

Schleep · 09/12/2024 09:39

Well done on handling this so fantastically - you're an inspiration.
Cool, calm, collected and dignified.
I'm sure it doesn't feel that way, but you really are handling it beautifully xx

This is a bit like sprinkling a turd with glitter - but at least your children are too young to understand, so the damage to them can be really minimalised.

Remember as well, that it's okay to feel shitty, to have a bit of a cry and feel sorry for yourself. Keep it away from your little one best you can, but do take time to mourn as well - it'll help xxx

londongirlinaus · 09/12/2024 09:40

OP - I have no advice but couldn’t read and run. I’m so sorry, from one Mum with two little ones to another sending big hugs your way x