I know his secret… thread 2

[Waffletots]

Hi everyone

I’ve been told to create a second thread as the first one is full https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5226374-i-know-his-secret-but-how-do-i-play-this?page=1

I am off to see my parents this morning and will update later.
Thank you so much for all of your support, looks like I’m going to need it!

Keep strong OP, you are amazing and your husband does not deserve you. You and your children are better than him.

And Wales.

Well done OP. You have handled this like a Queen. You didn’t deserve it, you certainly didn’t need it but you’ve activated MummaBear mode and you will get through this 💐

I am just another stranger on the internet but like so many on here I have been thinking about you. Many years ago I went through something similar, the difference being that my baby was 7 months old when I found out about the other woman. There is no getting away from the fact that it does turn you world upside down, the utter shock of finding out that someone you have been building a life and a family with is now a stranger and a cruel stranger too. I won't take up your time or bore you with the things my ex got up to other than to say that in my experience he had no shame and turned into a combative and unkind person. On the positive side I promise you that you will find a well of strength within you and the day will come when you look back on all this and see how far you have come and how much you have achieved. Wishing you nothing but good things for the future x

If you have a joint account, it’s perfectly legal for either one of you to drain the entire account and keep it to yourself/himself.

There are so, so many stories on Mumsnet of cheating men doing just this after being caught, at the expense of their family.

For this reason, other posters have advised you to take half the money immediately.

I’d go one step further and take the whole lot. The money is for bills and you will probably be staying in the house. Also you’ll be the primary parent for the children on a single income, and won’t be working for some time after the baby arrives, whereas he only has himself to think of. You have a moral and legal right to it.

Try to get an appointment with a solicitor this week OP. This moral-free individual could blindside you when you’ve got a newborn especially if he has an OW to spend money on. If necessary, take a parent or your brother/SiL to the appointment to advocate for you.

Keep going OP.

You've got this.

OP I’m so sorry. My uncle did this to my aunty and we were all so shocked. He was genuinely the nicest bloke and you just wouldn’t have suspected anything. He’d been having an affair for nearly a year.

Take care of yourself x

You are being so level-headed about this: knowing your worth, acting appropriately and surrounding yourself with people who love you - these are the signs of a strong woman who, even though she has a had a horrible shock, is not putting up with it for a minute longer than she needs to.

you are amazing.

Yes take the lot out of the joint account OP.

What an awful, immoral scumbag he is.

Awww it sounds like you have a good family around you which is lovely. Your brother sounds hilarious from your other thread - he handled your husband like a pro.

For what it’s worth, OP, I think he might be doing the right thing by you by staying silent for now. You are 38 weeks pregnant, carrying his child. A big dingdong is not what’s best for you or your baby right now. He knows you have the support of your amazing family.

To be clear, I’m not defending him shagging another woman, but I think he’s doing the best thing for you right now by just clearing off, not causing a scene and trying to wriggle his way out of this and just letting you be surrounded by those who love you.

Spain also.

Wow what a spineless piece of work. I cannot believe that he thinks silence is OK.
My ex H of 20 years gave me no Indication that he wasn't as happy as I was until the day he walked out. Divorce papers followed and he hasn't spoken to me once in the 7 years since he left.
This kind of behaviour just beggars belief. Thank God you have a good family. I'm so sorry.
I suspect he is pissed the OW told you at all. I dont think he had any intention of leaving. Just having his cake and eating it.
Now he has no idea what to do.
I hope he is suffering.

Thank you, I’m very lucky! My brother was very angry but handled it beautifully, he told me he just handed him the bag and calmly said “I think you need to get back in your car and drive away” I hoped he wouldn’t loose his temper as that would just escalate the situation and I don’t want to give my husband anything to use against my family if it ever comes to it. I’m sure the anger will come for me too but right now I’m just trying to remember that this precious baby in my stomach can feel everything I can

Well done, OP. So well done. Your invisible army of women is so proud of you.

And what a brilliant family you have.

Once you're spoken with your parents it might be an idea to take the lead on this and be the one to tell it like it is to his family, and your friends.

What tends to happen is in a panicky drive to save face they rewrite what happens, using their storytelling abilities to spin a tale of woe in which they are somehow the victim.

The dignified way you expressed what's been happening here would be a good place to start clearly and simply explaining what, of his own free will, he did.

All the very best to you, your child and baby, and your amazing family.

Update only if, as and when you feel like it.

💐👏🤗

Imagine him this morning realising he’s ruined his life for a bit on the side ! Some men really are idiots ! Wait for the begging to come back to start, it will like my ex husband did !

I’m really nervous to do this!

Also thinking of you. I guess there’s not much he can say, you already know what he is the evidence showed you that. My guess he will come crawling back with an apology or he will run straight to the other woman if she is stupid enough to have him. Look after yourself op.

I have read the script and assumed I would be reading it again from him last night but nope, nothing!

@Waffletots this is because you got ahead of the game. You gathered your substantial evidence and involved your family before he knew you knew. He had no chance to minimise the affair to you, no chance to gaslight you, no chance to try to force you to stay silent wrt seeking family support for the sake of your marriage/children - which is really their way of saving face/isolating you/making you feel like you are mad to be angry with him because nobody is validating your feelings/making you feel responsible for the break up of your marriage.

No, you are 10 steps ahead of him, and I am frankly in awe of your strength. Make sure he can't screw you over financially now, the security of you and your children is your priority, not that fucker's feelings or intentions.

Good luck to you x

@Waffletots In terms of withdrawing money, I'd check the account, make sure bills are covered for a month at least. Have you got access to your own funds?

Not good advice.
The joint account is for bills. They still need to be paid.

Well no. But jesus. Not to at least acknowledge it. I hope he is suffering I really do. But someone who can do this? I doubt he has the empathy

Hi OP I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

My piece of advice is to use these threads for as long as they are useful but don't feel pressured to update. You can walk away at any time and you don't owe people anything on here x

Of course you are, because you're not a ruthless lying cheater.
But I just want to remind you that it's yours and your children's money. And you need it for the bills, whereas he's skipped off.

You are one seriously impressive woman OP. Take massive care of yourself and try not to give him another thought. Huge hugs.

Get your CMS claim in today as well, for having the children 100% of the time. He can feel in his pocket what walking away is like!