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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that *Some men steal the joy

402 replies

Vodkaandpepsimax · 08/12/2024 21:49

Out of life?

I see it around me, with friend’s husbands and then often have it at home with mine and also grew up with a dad who veered between super fun, very imaginative and funny to very grumpy…It would feel like a lot revolved around his mood, whereas mum stayed pretty constant (or pretended to be at least)
Yesterday, trying to get all christmassy (I enjoy it all and especially for dd, 6’s sake) went to a christmas event, Dh silent in the car, me singing along awkwardly with dd to a Mr Tumble xmas cd. It was very busy when we arrived, lots of time to park, yes annoying, but dh so moody about it, I offer to drive/park, he snaps back. Complains about queues for the hot chocolate…just takes the joy out of the experience. I’ve booked for just dd and I to go to see The Nutcracker as I know it will be a much nicer, special experience just us, but obviously need to do things as a family.
Anyone else in this situation

OP posts:
user1471517900 · 08/12/2024 21:51

That's quite the extrapolation from him not enjoying a packed and stressful event. A lot of people can enjoy things but not an event like you describe.

Saz12 · 08/12/2024 21:53

Its a great compliment to say "he/she could make being in a multi storey carpark fun".Some people can make a holiday miserable.

Gettingbysomehow · 08/12/2024 21:55

Some?
Most.

McMumster · 08/12/2024 21:55

I know what you mean, OP.
I am married to one too, and wass thinking exactly same thing today. So moody, can take the fun out of literally anything.

CatNoon · 08/12/2024 21:55

It’s because men, most men, are fundamentally far more selfish and self-centred than (most) women are. They don’t bother making an effort to enjoy something for someone else’s sake. They don’t care or can’t see or choose not to see how their foul mood affects everyone else. They feel a sense of entitlement to their grumpiness. And this seems to just get worse the older they get.

Original poster
Vodkaandpepsimax · 08/12/2024 21:56

@user1471517900 Only really the parking for a bit and getting the hot chocolate, I offered to do both, there are worse things in life

OP posts:
Original poster
Vodkaandpepsimax · 08/12/2024 21:57

@Gettingbysomehow Yeah, I think most too, just didn’t fancy being jumped on by some

OP posts:
WickedlyCharmed · 08/12/2024 21:57

My DH isn't like this but yes, I've seen lots of this type of behaviour.

Some men people have the knack of souring any outing or event that doesn't revolve solely around them and what they want to do, they're fundementally selfish.

Enjoy The Nutcracker with your DD without feeling like there's a big black thundercloud hovering around.

YaWeeFurryBastard · 08/12/2024 21:57

but obviously need to do things as a family.

Do you? I’d just book things for you and DD or take her with your friends/family. She’ll probably have a nicer time without the miserable git ruining the mood. I honestly couldn’t bear it if my husband was like this!

SensibleSigma · 08/12/2024 21:57

user1471517900 · 08/12/2024 21:51

That's quite the extrapolation from him not enjoying a packed and stressful event. A lot of people can enjoy things but not an event like you describe.

That’s not ok though- Spoiling the experience for your friends and family because you aren’t enjoying it.

I’m pretty sure parents don’t enjoy standing on the sidelines watching kids’ sport in grotty weather. But they suck it up for the kids.

It’s the same with Christmas events. Suck it. Look happy. Help your family enjoy it.

Bet the people who do this get cross with children who grumble on days out.

Pussycat22 · 08/12/2024 21:57

I HAD one of those husbands!

NordicwithTeen · 08/12/2024 21:59

Agree. I've one male friend who makes an effort to be happy but all of the others turn into the Grinch regularly but particularly so at Christmas. I think they think being moody and sulky is "masculine" rather than childish.

Original poster
Vodkaandpepsimax · 08/12/2024 21:59

@McMumster Yep…storming around as had to fix the loo, took him half an hour, whereas I’ve done three loads of washing, hoovered, food shop and dinner and not complained. I don’t love doing all that crap, but instead decided to smile for dd and decorate a gingerbread house
Just seems so pathetic

OP posts:
Original poster
Vodkaandpepsimax · 08/12/2024 22:01

@CatNoon Yes, even their childs happiness

OP posts:
Ace56 · 08/12/2024 22:02

CatNoon · 08/12/2024 21:55

It’s because men, most men, are fundamentally far more selfish and self-centred than (most) women are. They don’t bother making an effort to enjoy something for someone else’s sake. They don’t care or can’t see or choose not to see how their foul mood affects everyone else. They feel a sense of entitlement to their grumpiness. And this seems to just get worse the older they get.

Yes, this.

In his mind he’s not enjoying the event, or never wanted to go in the first place. And that’s where the thought process ends for a lot of men. There’s no ‘but I’d better put on a brave face for the sake of my wife and especially DD so they can have a nice time.’
His needs will always be above yours and his child’s.

Pinkbonbon · 08/12/2024 22:03

Sometimes I think it's proximity.
Living together with anyone is bound to have its icks. But I think men have more time in the home to take women for granted. Women are still more likely to have to do the lions share, especially at Christmas.

Women also, take on the emotional baggage of their family and partners more. I've heard it argued that's is why we have higher rates of fibremialga (sp?). We're expected to keep a happy face and be a wall to lean on for support and a well of good will.

I wonder, if there was less expectation on us...would we be a little more protective of our peace. Less inclined to play along when we just didn't feel like it.

Is his behaviour excusable? No. But at the same time, maybe you could take a leaf out of his book. Put less effort in. Give him the same energy he gives you. Stop being the one holding everything together.

He takes you for granted. I'd tell him 'if you don't want to participate, there's the door. But if you stay and give me this attitude 24/7, I'll be the one using the door. It's OK to need a me-day, so long as I get them too, just - communicate. But you need to step up in this family and do your share. And not take out passive aggression on me or your daughter. It's not ok'.

CrispieCake · 08/12/2024 22:11

My DH can be a bit like this. We're lucky to have a DC who could make a party out of being stuck in a lift.

I told DH the other day that he didn't deserve to have such a great kid. It's laziness and grumpiness and putting themselves first.

Original poster
Vodkaandpepsimax · 08/12/2024 22:12

@CrispieCake Yes! My dd is such a happy, ball of energy and lover of life

OP posts:
woahnow · 08/12/2024 22:13

Yes! Me. I could have written your post OP, solidarity. It’s draining the life out of me at the moment - mine huffs, moans, zones out, goes silent, and gets extremely moody when faced with: traffic, parking, queues, crowded areas or anything expensive. Oh and refuses to eat or drink in any chain restaurants or cafes - thereby really restricting choice when we’re out with our fussy-eating DC.

Sorry I haven’t added anything useful but it felt good to vent!!

mathanxiety · 08/12/2024 22:13

I was married to one who admitted to me that he did it on purpose. He said he decided the family would only be happy if he wanted us to be happy, and miserable if he felt like making us miserable. He knew what he was doing. It was a power trip.

I suspect there is a raft of other behaviours that go along with the "moodiness" in every case where a man is a fun sponge, and all the behaviours are related to control.

ChatChapeau · 08/12/2024 22:13

I'm a woman, but I've known men and women who do this. I think it's a "people" thing. My parents were the opposite of yours (Dad even and making the best of things, mum crazy mood swings).

Maybe nowadays there are a significant amount of women who make more effort to be fun around their kids, but can be a nightmare with other people (e.g. at work, with their friends, with their partner).

Lamplighton · 08/12/2024 22:17

Yep, my father, my brother and my partner are all selfish, self-centred bastards.

Devilsmommy · 08/12/2024 22:20

mathanxiety · 08/12/2024 22:13

I was married to one who admitted to me that he did it on purpose. He said he decided the family would only be happy if he wanted us to be happy, and miserable if he felt like making us miserable. He knew what he was doing. It was a power trip.

I suspect there is a raft of other behaviours that go along with the "moodiness" in every case where a man is a fun sponge, and all the behaviours are related to control.

I notice you say 'was' married. Sounds like you escaped thankfully 😊 What a complete twat. I completely agree about the control thing, men with no/low self esteem will always do the power trip thing.

CatNoon · 08/12/2024 22:22

mathanxiety · 08/12/2024 22:13

I was married to one who admitted to me that he did it on purpose. He said he decided the family would only be happy if he wanted us to be happy, and miserable if he felt like making us miserable. He knew what he was doing. It was a power trip.

I suspect there is a raft of other behaviours that go along with the "moodiness" in every case where a man is a fun sponge, and all the behaviours are related to control.

That puts a whole new sinister spin on it, my god.

CrispieCake · 08/12/2024 22:23

ChatChapeau · 08/12/2024 22:13

I'm a woman, but I've known men and women who do this. I think it's a "people" thing. My parents were the opposite of yours (Dad even and making the best of things, mum crazy mood swings).

Maybe nowadays there are a significant amount of women who make more effort to be fun around their kids, but can be a nightmare with other people (e.g. at work, with their friends, with their partner).

The kids matter most as they're the only ones who can't walk away and who don't have the life experience to rationalise (especially about a beloved parent) "it's not me, it's them, this person is a miserable git and if I wasn't unlucky enough to have them as a parent, I'd run a mile". While it's not ideal to be miserable with other people, it's not the same.