To think that *Some men steal the joy

[Vodkaandpepsimax]

Out of life?

I see it around me, with friend’s husbands and then often have it at home with mine and also grew up with a dad who veered between super fun, very imaginative and funny to very grumpy…It would feel like a lot revolved around his mood, whereas mum stayed pretty constant (or pretended to be at least)
Yesterday, trying to get all christmassy (I enjoy it all and especially for dd, 6’s sake) went to a christmas event, Dh silent in the car, me singing along awkwardly with dd to a Mr Tumble xmas cd. It was very busy when we arrived, lots of time to park, yes annoying, but dh so moody about it, I offer to drive/park, he snaps back. Complains about queues for the hot chocolate…just takes the joy out of the experience. I’ve booked for just dd and I to go to see The Nutcracker as I know it will be a much nicer, special experience just us, but obviously need to do things as a family.
Anyone else in this situation

This.

I've actually distanced myself from two male friends because I was sick of their grumpiness, and we're all only in our 30s!

I really would rather be on my own than spend time with them.

And that's a problem OP, that your DD senses it. I think you need to sit him down (when he's not in a mood) and explain to him that she is his daughter too and that it's his responsibility also to make nice memories with her. My DH had a father like this and all his lovely childhood memories are of his mum (who put up with a lot from his father). Only near the end of his life did DH's father confess to me his regret that he hadn't spent more time with my DH and his sister. Your DD won't be young forever and one day your DH will realise that when she phones home (maybe from uni' or because work has taken her to another part of the country) that it's always you she wants to speak to, to share her news with. And by then, it will be too late to repair the damage he's done to their relationship. 😔Closeness in relationships isn't achieved accidentally - he needs to start working at it with his DD.

Life’s too short for this, OP. Do you want this for the rest of your days?

My ex was a self-centred man who could only have 'fun' when doing something HE wanted, which were hobbyist things that no young child really enjoyed, like flying model aeroplanes for hours in freezing cold fields. And if the children got bored or fed up, that was their problem, or mine, because they clearly 'took after' me. I think some men are just incapable of seeing things with a child's mindset.

Absolutely. I know so many men that do this. Absolute joy suckers. It's like they never really shift from being treated like a child, the main character, everything revolves around them and their likes/dislikes etc. Male entitlement. The idea that they are there as an adult to facilitate joy for others, even their own children, just doesn't figure.

I remember when my dad (by then divorced/separated from three women) said he wanted to host a Christmas for 'all his children' (four of us). He was living alone in a cottage somewhere. I went on 24th Dec. Asked what we were having for dinner onthis jolly Christmas Eve, and he said, I think there are some fish fingers in the freezer.

The next day I discovered my younger (and more obedient) half-sister had been roped in to do all the cooking.

His Christmas present to me was the biography of Alan Clark MP's brother, Colin Clark. I'd never expressed interest in the Clark family.

On Boxing Day morning my boyfriend at the time drove down to take me away as there were no trains.

There was zero joy, love or anything nice. He was just a total shit and I'm glad he's dead.

It's horrible. I just don't do it now, I have fun on Saturdays with the kids/friends/family while DH works which is a life saver.

Sundays are his day - we stay home and go to the very limited places he likes and do the things he wants. This actually works great for the children- they have a lot of fun bike riding, cinema, shopping, playing football and eating in the four or five places he likes. It's all on his terms but he's in good spirits so it's much nicer than the alternative. Kids adore him and want to please (I know it's not entirely healthy)

There's no fun outings for us as a couple, I holiday and socialise without him. I've told him it's not enjoyable as he gets so stressed and unpleasant.

I think a lot of it is down to how women and girls are socialised and conditioned from a young age to be proactive in caring about the feelings of those around us, and to feel responsible for how things go and the experience of others. I think it is wrong that women carry this burden overwhelmingly; it should be the case that all adults care about the "energy" and mood they bring to things, especially family things, and the home.

Unfortunately what we have is women caring about all of it and men feeling like they can just be absolutely unfiltered about their feelings because they know, consciously or subconsciously, that the women around them will salvage things and keep the show on the road (generalisation, obviously: it's just tiresome adding "some" after every use of men or women).

Ideally, everyone of any gender would be able to have that balance of caring about others' experiences while not suppressing their own real feelings all the time. That's just not possible, though, in situations where the men don't make that emotional effort and take on the mental load of "how is this going? How is everyone feeling?". It is absolutely and definitely a societal trend that women make things "nice", in so many ways.

Lost in the mists of time are the uncountable events at which I've more or less put on a different personality like a suit for the sake of events around me - kids' parties, events, parents' day, dinners and even just roughhouse at the playground. I would consider it part of doing the parents' job. I just cannot rightly get my head around how anyone would be such a dick to be wet blanket and rain upon times like this and spoil the mood. It's utterly beyond me. And I know many other guys like me. So i say a robust 'up yours' to the morons here who mindlessly post that 'all men are like this.' Confirmation bias in action.

OP you sound like a lovely mum. My dad was a miserable fucker who brought my very special mum down. It will always be a sadness for me.

Far play to you for getting rid!

I have one, sucks the fucking joy out of everything. Even managed to piss on my chips in Disney Paris when the children were very young! Threatened for days he was going to book a flight home.

My parents had paid for everything. He won't leave, and I won't leave. He doesn't get to piss the home I've made up against a wall.

We had a happy family occasion a couple of weeks ago that we travelled to Europe to take part in. Yes, the grumpy bastard managed to take most of the joy out of that too.

Has anyone posted "all men are like this"? I've seen "some men" and even "most men" but I've not seen "all men" - unless I missed it?

My dh is amazing In many ways. But I agree with this. We could be having a nice timeor a joke and then he will 'decide that that was enough fun '. And it stops. It's quite draining!

I just do fun things with DC alone now as he won't change. He's got other redeeming features so I just get on with this area alone and it's more enjoyable.

I’m with the PP who says it’s a people thing. I know one woman who couldn’t let anyone be happy ever unless it was on her terms. She loved ruining shit. It was about control for sure.

My friend has a fun-sponge friend who ruins holidays/meals etc in much the same way as men are reported as doing on this thread. The group has to pander to her moods and she doesn’t ever put anyone else first and it’s exhausting.

My FIL could also make any occasion miserable whereas my DH is cheerful to the point sometimes I want to scream. He is especially so for the kids and I appreciate him for his loving effort but also sometimes I’m the grump. We have divided activities up through tacit agreement so I don’t need to pretend enthusiasm for day-long sporting events and he doesn’t need to do anything school-related.

I do agree girls and women are socialised to try harder for others generally, and some men seem to see joining in and Christmas and enthusiasm as unmanly or beneath them or whatever. Assholery is fairly well split though.

On holiday in the Caribbean a couple of years ago, me, dh and 2 adult dc, we had a villa with our own pool which turned out to be just uphill of a little gazebo area where on one day of our holiday a wedding took place. So for maybe 1 hour we could hear steel drums playing 80's/90's songs - Elton John, Phil Collins etc at a volume loud enough to identify the songs but still quiet enough for us to have a normal conversation around the pool without shouting - me and Dd thought it was great, Ds barely noticed, DH was absolutely raging all day! And don't even get me started on how he reacted when some gardeners dared to cut some grass nearby

My dad was also like this, however I'm the one like this in my relationship and my DH is very easy going and also the good cop.

Women can be bad too! However men (very broadly speaking) are more prone to risk taking & to violence, also better placed to perpetrate their badness. Or to put it another way they do it because they are confident of getting away with it.

Not in my DHs case…… lovely MIL no longer around, but grumpy shite of a FIL….. it def gets worse with age. He’s called Grumps not Gramps, DH that is. I call him a MOG, miserable old git.

Maybe it would be better if all her memories of days out were with you instead of her memories of days out being of a grumpy dad who clearly didn't want to be there and who complained about everything. I mean I'm an adult and I wouldn't want to go on a day out with someone like this. Seems a pity that your dd has to suck it up.

Why not organise days out with your child. If your husband says he'd like to go too tell him he is welcome - as long as he shuts up with any complaints or grumbles.

I know a lot of men like this. My dad was a moody, grumpy bastard who managed to ruin every birthday, Xmas and the few holidays we had when we were growing up. We never knew what mood he would be in and it would often change fast. It made me very anxious growing up. The thing that pisses me off is that my brother hated him for it, but has gone on to be exactly the same as him with his own family.

My partner had a moody father too, but is the total opposite, even when things are shit he looks on the positive side and always makes the best of things. My father and brother have both made comments in the past about him not be blokey enough, which seems to be based on him being kind to me and our children.

To add, my dad even managed to ruined days out that he didn’t come on with us. When we got home he’d ignore us all, moan that his dinner wasn’t made and make comments about us going out for the day like a jealous bastard.

Sooo true. Wish l could be more like that but l can't!! End up doing stuff without him cos he ruins stuff

I didn't miss that, but he's sucking all the joy out of it which means the child won't enjoy the activity. Better for him to stay away.

My partner can be like this to the point I socialise more with friends (both male and female) on my own.

I have even started going to the theatre/concerts with friends because I cannot bear the stress of going with DP.
He never wants to do the 'silly' stuff, dance round the kitchen, sing, be daft, mess about and it makes me sad because I want to do those things but when I do he won't join in and makes me feel like a total idiot.
When I think about it the majority of men I know (male family members) are like this.
I remember an ex who wasn't, he was great fun, made me laugh all the time, could make going to the supermarket joyous and never took himself seriously. It was a very attractive quality, which, unfortunately, made him very attractive to a lot of women and he was, and still is, a player.
I guess being a grumpy bugger has it's advantages as at least no-one else wants them!
I think this post has to be one of the saddest I have ever read on this site especially as so many of us can relate to it.
I have realised I stopped doing a lot of stuff with my DP some time ago for this very reason, just not worth the stress.
In solidarity OP, I wish I could offer some sage advice, I can't, but thank you for posting.

Literally!! My daughter’s dad sucks the fun out of everything for all the same reasons doesn’t have an inch of patience and then ruins it for everyone else. So much so it’s our daughters birthday this week and I’ve told him he isn’t coming on the trip out I’ve booked so I can enjoy it as a parent and not worry about him and his moods!! I feel you 100%

I don’t think I have ever dated a man the wasn’t like this. I just made the mistake of taking DH to see Santa with the kids. It took an hour. He was miserable the entire time. I usually don’t ask him. I just enjoy getting to do fun stuff with the kids, or being the face they see at the Christmas event I went to.