To think that *Some men steal the joy

[Vodkaandpepsimax]

Out of life?

I see it around me, with friend’s husbands and then often have it at home with mine and also grew up with a dad who veered between super fun, very imaginative and funny to very grumpy…It would feel like a lot revolved around his mood, whereas mum stayed pretty constant (or pretended to be at least)
Yesterday, trying to get all christmassy (I enjoy it all and especially for dd, 6’s sake) went to a christmas event, Dh silent in the car, me singing along awkwardly with dd to a Mr Tumble xmas cd. It was very busy when we arrived, lots of time to park, yes annoying, but dh so moody about it, I offer to drive/park, he snaps back. Complains about queues for the hot chocolate…just takes the joy out of the experience. I’ve booked for just dd and I to go to see The Nutcracker as I know it will be a much nicer, special experience just us, but obviously need to do things as a family.
Anyone else in this situation

Yes I understand it was for your child. And it wasn't your choice of a fun day out but you did it for your daughter, and indirectly for you as seeing her enjoy the activity gave you pleasure. I get that.

But the man shape sucked the joy out of it. So leave him to his own devices for future outings. Better for you and your daughter to enjoy things without him than have a miserable time with him.

How did he react to this? I'd love to think that actively not being invited to his own DD's birthday outing would give him pause for thought and have him change his ways, but maybe that's just wishful thinking .....?

More men than women?

I don't really think so, there are some fucking miserable women around who suck the joy out of everything.

@AngelicKaty

I’d like to say I’ve been blocked since I told him this😂. It’s her 3rd birthday and he has ruined her last two so you’d of thought after being warned about it last year and then being confronted about it you think it would change it all, it hasn’t and never will. I’ve gave up on any form of being a family with the grumpy sod and that’s that. We’ve not lived together now for 18 months and I prefer it so he doesn’t ruin every day or so with his grump. My child isn’t his first child so I’m experiencing all my firsts while he isn’t so I’m also just going to soak it up and not let him spoil it just because it isn’t as special to him anyway!!

It was his birthday 2 weeks ago, at the start of the year I booked a trip for the two of us to go on for the weekend as it was a “ big birthday”. 3 months into paying for it I stopped. I lost the money and I decided it was okay because he didn’t deserve to be spoilt with an all paid for trip when he hasn’t taken the children away and he stopped us taking a trip to wales in June. So I said enough is enough until he began doing those things ans stop ruining everything with your moods. I wasn’t giving him anything into which I got him a photo of our child some mr
Kipling cakes and 2 cards for his birthday instead and it’s looking likely that I’ll just have to find and buy something with daddy on for Christmas.

we were together in a relationship although I wouldn’t call it that up until recently too but like I said I’ve put my foot down exactly for that reason to try wake him up. It hasn’t 😂

Well, it sounds like you're well rid of him. 😊

Sounds bloody awful. Not personally something I see though Dh is extremely positive as are my friends dhs not denying it happens though couldn’t stand it especially when children young.

Yes same OP. Took dcs to an event yesterday , dh clearly didn't want to be there. Spent most of his time on his phone in a mood. I said to him straight you are ruining everyone's buzz, dc are so excited and we've spent a lot of money on this so snap out of it. Luckily he did or we would have 'lost' him .

Yes dh is a bit like this. It's like he's incapable of making the best of a situation. Like we are at an event, yes it's not his first choice for entertainment but he can be happy and make the best out of it or miserable and bring everyone down. He doesn't seem to see that a, he has the ability to change or fake his own mood and b, his mood impacts on everyone else's enjoyment. I have more fun when it's me and my dd.

In my head I’ve nicknamed my partner fun sponge 😔

This is hard to read. I’m dealing with this a long time and only now fully realising how awful it has been. The sulks and moods and ruining everything for so many years. It’s real.

I don’t really understand why women put up with this - many men are not like this.

Of course you will end up with a dog that bites if you think that all dogs bite.

This is interesting... I think mine was trained up to believe that, if he wasn't happy, it was Mummy's duty to try and change that state, instead of him growing the fuck up and regulating his own emotions... so he tries that with me, and the shrift he gets is short...

What gets me is, I'm not loving the cold day or the crowded supermarket or the traffic queue either - I'm just putting a cheery face on it because it actually makes it easier, it puts some control back in your hands... but he comes on like he's the only person unhappy with the situation, or maybe it's just he's the only one whose unhappiness matters... 😤

I've had this at the other end of the age range. My parents live some way away and always came to stay for three or four days. I began to notice that DH wouid be miserable ane seemed to try to ruin every little trip out I planned with my parents.

The last one was a boat trip round the coast to a nearby town. It was a beautiful sunny day. While I know it's always cooler on the water, he insisted on wearing a thick sweatshirt and a Sherpa fleece - we were all in shirtsleeves and lightweight gilets. The photos show him red-faced and sweaty, looking very grumpy. He moaned about walking along the seafront, moaned about the coffee shop, moaned about everything.

Now my parents are too old to drive down here and DH is too frail to come with me when I visit them, but I enjoy it so much more without him, I'm afraid to say.

@Pussycat22 yeah, me too!

Yes I divorced one and life is much much cheerier. Consistently.

My adult dd actually asked yesterday if we can get dh to stay in bed on Christmas morning so he doesn’t ruin it for the dgc.
She was only half joking.
The awful problem for me is she will stop coming if he’s going to carry on being miserable.
He can’t just join in the chaos he is constantly cleaning up and missing the actual fun.

DD’s dh is the polar opposite, he adds fun to everything. I’m so pleased for her.

Yep, hard agree. It was like trying to maintain some fun for the kids with a giant iron ball attached to one ankle - always being the one that had to plan a day out (and heaven forbid I got something wrong), keep the kids happy in a long queue, volunteer to either site with the kids, or join some other queue (depending on which he didn't want to do). I had to do the driving too, because he got grumpy in traffic.

I started taking the kids out alone (even before we split up) because it was much more fun for everyone, and even if he came too, he'd often just sit in the car or want to leave early, which was just draining and made me cross that he couldn't be bothered to do one little thing for the kids when I did so much for him.

Wow this thread really resonates. I'm not scared of him the way I was with husband number 1 because there's no consequence . Honestly though it is so boring. And the more we just get on with it and leave it out the more he doesn't fit in and know how the kids like to do stuff or what they are into. It's exhausting. Moaning about having no space for 'his stuff' - he has a bathroom cabinet, three shoe shelves, a kitchen shelf just for his coffee cups etc etc. The passive aggressive takes on everything. Snapping suddenly. We went out and he just moaned about all of it, slow plates being cleared, couldn't see the menu, just on and on.

I call this emotional incontinence, the inability to hold your emotion appropriately to protect the people around you.

My Mum is a terror- if she’s not happy, she splashes it around until everyone else is miserable as well. Like ripples. We are her processing mechanism, and why she’s so unhappy living alone.
It’s an effective strategy- people work hard at keeping you happy, for their own sake.

Once again, I find myself posting on a thread about "all", sorry 'most' men, and not recognising the description of 'men'.

Again, I have never had a serious relationship with a man who has sucked the joy out of things or been deliberately miserable. Or just not prepared to join in with the fun.

My ex husband was fun when we were together. He never spoilt anyone else's enjoyment of anything. He enjoyed things that children enjoyed because the children were enjoying them as much as he generally enjoyed them himself.

My current partner is the same.

This year, we took our (adult) children pumpkin picking and had a pumpkin carving competition with them.

My daughter and I usually decorate the tree together, but she's away at university this year so my adult (26) son came round to do it with me. My partner didn't pass a single coment about the fact we sang along to The Muppet Chritmas Carol while we did it and spent an hour or so in the kitchen making sausage rolls from scratch, baking camembert and making mulled wine for when we'd finished. Then he put up fairy lights around the living room and said how much he loved them.

We have loads of 'fun' things planned for Christmas and he's looking forward to grandchildren coming along so we can do fun things with the children again. He's 60.

But then, I always prioritised being 'able to have fun' in a man.

Maybe some women prioritise different things when looking for a life partner but treating me as an equal (including in the division of household labour) and the ability to find the fun were very important to me. More important (and attractive) than height, income and looks anyway.

The bottom line is that if your husband is a lazy, sulky, moody fun sucker, it's because you married a lazy, sulky, moody fun sucker. Not because all/most men are crap.

And, if you find you have married one of these men, leave him at home to wallow in his own grumpiness and take the children out/do things on your own.

Of course you will end up with a dog that bites if you think that all dogs bite.

Yes!

Yes! We just had a conversation about the lack of 'fun' yesterday. I just don't think DH has got it in him. The older he gets, the more his indifference or even contempt show. He really wasn't like this when we met.

This makes me think of Tabitha Brown's cooking videos. Often she ends with 'Have the most amazing day. But if you can't, don't you dare going messing up nobody else's, you hear?'

I feel for you and I sympathise.

Problem is, it creeps up on you. I suspect it gets worse the more people there are in the mix- as a new couple we put effort into pleasing each other. As we acquire children, elderly parents etc, we are not the focus of the fun in the way we were. That’s when it becomes more obvious that someone isn’t sucking it up for the sake of the family. And it’s a bit hard to teach at that point.

Perhaps that's the crux of it really. Some men don't care about or seem to get the social contract.

I like the term emotional incontinence too.