To think that *Some men steal the joy

[Vodkaandpepsimax]

Out of life?

I see it around me, with friend’s husbands and then often have it at home with mine and also grew up with a dad who veered between super fun, very imaginative and funny to very grumpy…It would feel like a lot revolved around his mood, whereas mum stayed pretty constant (or pretended to be at least)
Yesterday, trying to get all christmassy (I enjoy it all and especially for dd, 6’s sake) went to a christmas event, Dh silent in the car, me singing along awkwardly with dd to a Mr Tumble xmas cd. It was very busy when we arrived, lots of time to park, yes annoying, but dh so moody about it, I offer to drive/park, he snaps back. Complains about queues for the hot chocolate…just takes the joy out of the experience. I’ve booked for just dd and I to go to see The Nutcracker as I know it will be a much nicer, special experience just us, but obviously need to do things as a family.
Anyone else in this situation

Yep I agree op. They also often create drama to create a joy vacuum.

OMG - how to find yet another way to malign women. It's all that evil mother's fault.

🎯

As much as a lot of women on here like to claim that men and women are equal when it comes to parenting and parenting instincts, the fact so many men totally abandon their kids after separation (especially when they find another woman to have sex with) and feel next to no love or even obligation to provide for them… well I think it proves that men are wired differently and how many hate family life.

Agree, @Jellycats4life

No matter how much we'd like to think otherwise, in my observation the vast majority of men hate life with small kids. It brings to the forefront the problems in many a relationship.

That's why I so wish that people would think long and honestly before becoming parents, and choose their co-parents only after much due diligence and a long time getting to know them.

@BettyBardMacDonald - no matter how well you think you know someone I’m not sure anything can really prepare you for how they’ll be as parents.

Well mine shouted at the eldest (17) for looking over his shoulder at his phone. Yes, it's rude (but I do think it is a generational thing whereby teens often just share and look at each others phone). Certainly didn't warrant the shouting she got. Resulted in DD crying and saying it's ruined Xmas day (which it has, tainted it somewhat) and saying she can't wait to move out and she might not bother coming back next Xmas.
Merry Christmas - same every year!

Is he worried about what she saw?? I’d be thinking that there is something he wants to conceal.

No not at all. He was literally looking at a Facebook reel about 3d printing - I had just been shown it by him as I walked past and DD said it was only one of those "stupid" printing videos he watches. He hates the kids looking over his shoulder, never anything he's worried about them seeing - he just thinks it is bad manners (which it is, but doesn't warrant being shouted at for).

First Christmas I didn't bother going home was in my early 20's I had a fabulous Christmas abroad.
It was a revelation in relaxation.
I was guilted to return for one more but I was done, even though it was fine really.

I never went home again for one.
Thats what men do to their children.

Don't underestimate your 17 year old and the strength of her feelings.

My mother did. Big mistake.

My advice would be acknowledge her feelings and apologise to her.
Think about the atmosphere and its impact on her.

I wouldn't ever look at my husband again EVER, if he caused feelings like that in mh children.

My thief of joy buggered off two hours ago from sons home saying are you coming. Nope I said. So we're all chilling in front of the log burner assembling grandkids toys. While he's doing god knows what.

I just can't believe women actually marry these miserable buggers in the first place. There is nothing attractive about boring, grumpy men. The type typically shouting LADS LADS LADS at the pub, talking about sport and moaning about the old ball and chain at home. Why do women marry these knuckle daggers? And have bloody children with them? What gave them the impression they would be good fathers if they were boring shitty husbands that didn't pull their weight in the house?

I had an ex like this, I didn't have kids with him and marry him, I fucking dumped him! And bought him out of the house so he could go and be useless somewhere else! My husband is a fantastic partner and an amazing father who idolises our daughter. She didn't get a great father by choice, it was my job to choose a good one for her so that's what I did!

I've recently been thinking about how my whole childhood was dictated by my dad's moods. Every. Single. Fucking. Day. I remember being scared if I had a friend over and they didn't play along with my dad's moods accordingly, what punishment would that bring for us both?
Since having my own kids and home my mind is blown how we can simply choose to have a nice, happy home and life. I honestly believe he didn't realise that. He thought his feelings were facts.

Yeah because that's how they are in the beginning. 🙄

My husband knocked me about, had countless affairs and spent all our family money from the off. That's why I married him of course.

What an utterly stupid thing to say @SparklyTurtle

You still had bought a house before he showed his hand and you decided to leave.....??????
Perhaps reflect on that!

Many men are fine until children arrive.
Women need to be extremely attuned to moody, sulky twats.
I am because my father was one.
I can spot a moody prick from 60 metres.

Women with decent fathers are very very vulnerable to being caught out.
Two of my dear friends were caught out.
My husband isn't moody.
I'd be long gone if that had ever manifested itself.
It destroyed my comfortable very middle class childhood.

This attitude really pisses me off. It was having children that changed my husband. No amount of time married together beforehand would have changed that.

I genuinely think a massive proportion of men are only fathers because they knocked a woman up by accident. Either that or they blithely went along with their partner’s request for children, like they’re passive passengers in the trajectory of their own lives.

@SugarPlumpFairyCakes indeed- my H ( second marriage)to be fair was great even with a small baby and toddler, the grumpiness and moodiness crept in very gradually over very many years and the more modestly successful he became the moodier and more stressed he got -in fact the catalyst in our case rather than kids was him passing his driving test at 50 - before that he didn't drive - once driving it seemed to bring out all life's frustrations on a daily basis - quite an eye opener. As you say it's ridiculous to think plenty of intelligent non desparate mums on here simply didn't recognise the red flags- they simply 'were not there' at the point we married/had kids/ bought homes etc

If anyone is looking for the Grinch, I've got one at home. Such hard work keeping everything jolly and bright despite the cloud of doom on the sofa.
He definitely wasn't like this when we got married.

One of the many advantages of acting like this is that lots of women feel uncomfortable going out and leaving their children with a man in a nasty mood.

Absolutely. Mine lies on the sofa with his stomach pointing skyward and I know the kids will be left on screens with no parental supervision. Whilst I know he is negligent to do this,I would also be negligent if I am aware he does this and leave them for extended periods. Sometimes I have to run out and grab (I.e if the weather is awful) but I don’t make a habit of it.
He made it pretty difficult to work as I once came home from work to discover my eldest hadn’t eaten all day.

So comforted to read I'm not alone with having a joy sucking DH. He completely ruined Christmas again, his moods are relentless. He sits on the sofa with a face on about nothing, constantly falling asleep, if I dare ask him to do anything in the house I am met with moaning and groaning and eye rolling. He's arsey with the kids, doesn't want to do anything with them and if he does he just falls asleep. Only time he is happy is when me and kids are all upstairs and he can put his fucking PlayStation on. I fantasise constantly about just being me and the kids but I'm stuck. His family are 100's of miles away and I'm a SAHM and I don't have anywhere to go. My youngest also has bad anxiety and I don't think she'd cope with us separating. He cooked dinner yesterday for us and my Mum and then spent the afternoon falling asleep being utterly rude and ignorant. I couldn't wait to go upstairs last night and get away from him. Then today I come downstairs and he's asleep on the sofa, hasn't even set the dryer away for the tonne of wet clothes we had, youngest is sat watching YouTube while he sleeps. I hate him

Society has done a right number on women calling this behaviour grumpy or moody. It’s controlling and abusive, and it’s deliberate.

Men know it’s not acceptable to prevent their wives going out or to spoil special days. They don’t want to be called controlling or abusive. So they don’t do it openly anymore they pretend to be in a bad mood instead. And it works like a charm. Same old shit. Nothing has changed. Men have just become more sly and underhanded about how they are abusive and controlling.

Women have been so conditioned to accept this behaviour they often think their husband is depressed and beg them to get help, while he continues to abuse her.

Its deniable. If you ask them what’s wrong and they’ll say they’re tired or you’re imagining it. They perfect the look and choose to communicate with glares and aggressive facial expressions.

Life gets smaller and smaller with these men. You do all the childcare because nobody wants a man in a mood bathing the children or putting them to bed. You decline visitor's because it’s embarrassing and awkward. You don’t go out because it’s not fair to leave your children with him.

And the absolute worst bit is you must counter his moods and control with constant jollyness while you play along and pretend it’s not happening.

monicagellerbing

Your child’s anxiety is a reason to separate, not stay.

Agreed