To think that *Some men steal the joy

[Vodkaandpepsimax]

Out of life?

I see it around me, with friend’s husbands and then often have it at home with mine and also grew up with a dad who veered between super fun, very imaginative and funny to very grumpy…It would feel like a lot revolved around his mood, whereas mum stayed pretty constant (or pretended to be at least)
Yesterday, trying to get all christmassy (I enjoy it all and especially for dd, 6’s sake) went to a christmas event, Dh silent in the car, me singing along awkwardly with dd to a Mr Tumble xmas cd. It was very busy when we arrived, lots of time to park, yes annoying, but dh so moody about it, I offer to drive/park, he snaps back. Complains about queues for the hot chocolate…just takes the joy out of the experience. I’ve booked for just dd and I to go to see The Nutcracker as I know it will be a much nicer, special experience just us, but obviously need to do things as a family.
Anyone else in this situation

Lots of me think the world should revolve around them and their moods. Why I have a partner but will never live with a man full time. Not putting up with that shit ever again.

We were kind of trapped in a multi-storey car park yesterday after going to an xmas show at peak matinee time - us and two adult children. We had a good laugh while we were trapped in slow-moving, don't know how to merge, traffic.

There is nothing worse than someone who imposes his mood on everyone else. I couldn't be with a moody, huffer and puffer.

I agree with this.

I was weirdly about to create a post on this exact same topic, OP.

My DH is like this. He was not this way before marriage/parenthood. It's SO draining. He has no ability to filter his bad moods, absolutely no resilience, no dynamism, no ability to take charge of situations.

@CrispieCake I also have a kid like yours who could "make a party out of being stuck in a lift" (LOVE that phrase, might steal it) I wish DH could truly see how lucky he is. I'm so scared his grumpiness and moodiness is going to lead to negative childhood experiences for the kid.

This shit seems to be so common, it's just awful

My mum would have been like this, apart from the fact she always decided where and when we’d go. So it was always on her terms anyway.

Her moods and grumpiness came when things didn’t work out- if the meal she chose in a restaurant didn’t look as nice as someone else’s, or the thing she wanted to buy was sold out etc.

My husband is not nicknamed (by DGS) grumpy for no reason. Today I spent hours fluffing up the Christmas tree but the top was giving me issues as it couldn't fan out. He then proceeded to lecture me on not doing anything including the tree. He walked up to it and two minutes later it was done. Tomorrow he'll nag me into decorating it and then come in and move everything.

He's really good at doing things that benefit himself or both of us but can get grumpy if he doesn't benefit from it.

If you want to do things as a 'family' you really have to be in agreement about the activity you plan to do together.

Be honest with each other about what you both want to do with your leisure time. There must be something you both like doing together.

I mean, for example, how would you like to spend 4 hours traipsing around the golf course after him if he's really keen on golf and you'd rather be at a knitting convention.

You can do stuff that only interests you, he can do stuff that only interests him, together you do something that you both want to do.

If you can't agree on anything you both want to do, you are probably incompatible .......

Grumpy husband syndrome, I’ve heard it called. Seems to hit them in middle age. Often they become “set in their ways” also.

If my one tries it, I’ll be straight to a divorce lawyer. It’s no way to live.

I disagree with this. Sometimes as parents you suck it up and do "family" stuff for your DC than neither of you particularly enjoy. Does any adult really like adventure playgrounds or farm parks? The advantage of two of you going is you can take turns sitting out with a coffee and supervising.

Solidarity OP. DH can suck the joy out of anything. It's so tedious and so selfish. I've lost count of the number of family days out ruined by his moods. He would never recognise this, much easier for him to blame everyone else. Days out when it's just me and the kids are joyful, I try and plan more of these now.

Gave my otherwise lovely DH a reality check today after he complained about all the pressure he’s under with people asking what he wants for Christmas and, worse still what he thinks other people want. In reality this means that his surviving parent and single sibling have asked what he would like and horror of horrors) if he has any ideas for gifts for said sibling or parent.
For nearly 20 years DH has told me and DC how he hates Christmas, hates the
enforced jollity, over eating, over indulgence etc; he’s so over it. and now - thanks to his family - he’s got to sort their Christmas as well and it’s all too much!! And to top that, he hast to think about gifts for me and DC!!
Dear reader if you’ve lasted this long, it may not surprise you to know that I have womanfully sorted Christmas for my DH, DC and the entirety of my extended family members single-handedly for as long I can remember. I even managed to get everything on my hard to please 6 year olds invisible list last year. Invisible because she’d flat out refused to write to FC ‘because if he’s real, he ll already know what I’d like. Admittedly, that nearly broke me but when the going gets tough, you just have to sharpen up your inner Claus.
My DH is now under no illusion that he is a miserable old git who has everyone else in the house walking on eggshells through December, because we all already know how much (and how irrationally) he hates Christmas.
i have read the proverbial Riot Act to DH and he has been given the ultimate ultimatum. And a list of Christmas tasks that are now his and his alone. Failure to complete them will have dire consequences. DH has retreated and back pedalled like a champ. Apparently he is misunderstood and maligned. He doesn’t hate Christmas but we treat him as though he does even when he makes an effort (an effort so tiny it’s like a flea fart in an aircraft hangar?).
So we all know where we stand and DH is now handing out the Advent calendar sweeties like a good ‘in.
And yes, men do get grumpier with age and yes, they become the thieves of joy. Unless they get a very hard and well aimed kick in the ego.

@CrispieCake Exactly

@crockofshite This wasn’t for me or what I would choose to do, it was for my 6 year old to make her happy and I get excited about going, because I like to see her happy. I’d rather do that than do something of my choice…I mean, that’s what you do

" The deeper that sorrow carves into your being; the more joy you can contain". I have certainly noticed people's ( men's), resentment of overt expressions of joy. You are not imagining this, I don't think.

Eep…. So far I’m not really seeing where the joy is. Not being bubbly while fixing a toilet or fighting with Christmas crowds. I also don’t feel like putting on a happy face while folding laundry is a virtue to be sought after.

I mean yeh nobody should be walking around growling at others but not gushing over unpleasant things isn’t exactly a moral failing either.

I think that often and the men who suck the joy out of anything are the ones with mothers who make terrible mothers-in-law.

I had a whole string of male partners answering to this description including dcs dad who seemed to take great delight in passing on his shitty moods and making me and everyone else really unhappy. I eventually left as i started having dreams that it was killing me... him and his behaviour.

I think it's an inability to process their own feelings about life and whatever happens to them so the only way they know how to is to share the misery, which they makes them feel better.

Also bloodymindedness with a side order of being absolutely selfish.

@Bicnod Yes, when it’s just dd and I, it’s usually so much better, I feel lighter, we sing and chat in the car, it’s just so much more relaxed. He’d probably prefer not to do half the things, but then I think all her memories will
be just with me and her out, which doesn’t seem right

Ruined every birthday and Christmas.... hated it. And him!

Ok this had me laughing 🤣.

Agree with you op. Men dominate the space they're in so if they're in a bad mood, it affects everything.

Women can be in an equally bad mood but tend to quietly blend in so it's not noticed so much

There's a lot of truth in this - often mums will enjoy events because of their children's joy. Even if they have no personal interest in Mr Tumble Christmas on Ice.
Dads will see it as a packed and stressful event they never even wanted to go to anyway.

This 100%

Nailed it.

Men are inherently selfish...if they don't personally enjoy something, then they don't enjoy it.

Women are far more likely to enjoy something because they can see others are having fun.

The flip side to that is “women will put other’s enjoyment ahead of their own” and that’s not healthy either if it means they lose their voice.

@saltinesandcoffeecups Obviously it’s a pain in the arse fixing things as it wasn’t a barrel of laughs for me doing everything else that needed doing, but it’s life, there are people dying in wars, living horrendous lives. It’s just a bit pathetic, he carries it on, day ruined, storming around the house, dd isn’t stupid, she can sense it