To think that *Some men steal the joy

[Vodkaandpepsimax]

Out of life?

I see it around me, with friend’s husbands and then often have it at home with mine and also grew up with a dad who veered between super fun, very imaginative and funny to very grumpy…It would feel like a lot revolved around his mood, whereas mum stayed pretty constant (or pretended to be at least)
Yesterday, trying to get all christmassy (I enjoy it all and especially for dd, 6’s sake) went to a christmas event, Dh silent in the car, me singing along awkwardly with dd to a Mr Tumble xmas cd. It was very busy when we arrived, lots of time to park, yes annoying, but dh so moody about it, I offer to drive/park, he snaps back. Complains about queues for the hot chocolate…just takes the joy out of the experience. I’ve booked for just dd and I to go to see The Nutcracker as I know it will be a much nicer, special experience just us, but obviously need to do things as a family.
Anyone else in this situation

I'm with you OP. I can't tolerate a man who sulks and whines. I got rid of mine. Just not worth house room.

As a single mum, I do the whole lot, mending loos, helping with maths homework, shopping, cooking, washing, organising, Christmasing, present buying. I don't act like a petulant brat and take it out on those around me.

There is no reason for anyone to act like that. If he doesn't like going to a Christmas special, he should have stayed at home and cleared the ironing and made supper. That way you could both have had a restful evening.

😱😱😱 That's shocking! Glad he "was" your husband!

Yes OP! It sounds similar to the experiences I have with DC and DH sometimes. I remind DH to stop being a grump and say we will go out without him. I find outings only with DC much more fun and stress-free.

When this sort of not desperately important, but yet important, stuff crops up I sing Peggy Lee to myself “I’m a Woman”. Really cheers me up xxx

My DH isn’t like this but there are other men in my life (DF, ExP, DBil) who this describes perfectly, especially as they get older. DH is now 40 and still kind and relatively laid back, hoping the grumpiness doesn’t start to creep in from here!

I’m certain they do it on purpose with the intention of controlling the emotional temperature. I’ve yet to see one of these moody arseholes have moods around other men.

Tbf OP, I absolutely know what you mean, but unfortunately there seem to be a lot of women with this trait too! I can't stand people ruining stuff with their gross, grumpy energy. Good for you booking nice things without him - without LTB, lowering your expectations and choosing to have a great time without him anyway, is all you can realistically do!

One of the few advantages of single motherhood is that I'm not held hostage to a man's arsey moods, I can take the kids to things without them being ruined.

First few nights in anew house. So moody. Stripped the excitement out by moaning about every box. Yes, it’s normal to have to unpack and strip boxes down. It’s ridiculous. Totally taken the joy out of it to the point where I can’t wait to go back to work. He’s 51. He is a joy thief. Unless others are around or he’s on the phone to his friends. Urgh. If he carries on I’ll walk. Too young for this (I’m 51 too)…I feel your pain OP.

I have witnessed this with lots of men I know, my dad being the worst culprit. To even things out, my sister in law is also the same! Total kill joy. I know lots of really fun men too so who knows if it’s completely gender related?

There are an awful lot of Jekyll and Hyde men out there- the older I have got the more I've felt like a whipping post for all life's frustrations- when you have kids at home and itsall hectic it's almost easier to overlook or miss the fact someone has had a bit of a personality transplant I feel, when it's down to the two of you it's much harder to cope with it and much more obvious as there are no kids to distract you . to be frank I would like to live on my own and see my H twice a week on a date - he makes an interesting and fun and attractive date- he's become a lousy live in partner the older he has got- purely because of moods and temper - we've been married 29 years

I can recall several occasions in friends’/siblings’ homes where a husband has been called into the kitchen and evidently told to stop acting the prick and be a normal host as a wife tries to hold everything together smilingly for the guests.

@Catbabymammy "controlling the emotional temperature". That's the perfect description.

See I absolutely love farm parks and playgrounds because I indulge my inner child as well as enjoying seeing my kids live their best lives. But yes there are some things I don't love but suck it up. Like cleaning up the mess from BLW tonight. But not once have I ever huffed, swore or eye rolled about it. Let alone taken my family down with me.

Come to think of it, my husband has very little "suck it up ability". What quality is it that these men are missing?!

I can’t believe it’s taken me 21 years to realise that he only cares about himself. What an idiot I am.

@5475878237NC Yes I love doing all those things too

Exactly.

Women and children are apparently fine to use as emotional garbage cans.

There's misogyny and entitlement at play in this, as with all disgusting displays of gross disrespect.

Totally agree Crikeyalmighty I worked with a woman who worked in a different country to her partner and only saw him on weekends and had been doing it for 20 years - she said they were botg very hapoy with the arrangement. One of my mums good friends has been with the same person for 25+ years, they have a house each and tend to spend about 4 nights a week in the same house but equally had very independent social lives - it is what I would love.

My partner picks an argument any time I asked him to help clean, he can be really horrible, then later with nothing changing he just becomes best pals again, it’s like a light switch. He also zaps the joy out of things a lot of the time, sees the negative in everything, and when we are out and about doing things with our daughter he often looks bored and is reading stuff on his phone instead of taking part.

I respectfully disagree that it's mens inability to process their own feelings, and is in fact the opposite - they're very very aware of their own feelings, they're beaming them out loud & clear via the moping, sighing and mardiness.and expecting that to trigger pandering to prevent escalation.

The issue is not that they don't enjoy it - nobody loves a packed Santa visit except 4yo - the issue is that these types of people dont see that the people around them have equally valid feelings, and don't care that adding pressure by being a miserable arse makes it worse for them.

They lack any empathy for their wives & children.

I have dodgy knees and suffer from dizziness when off the ground so I do not love them 😂. But I endure them with a smile and a secret wince.

How do you put up with it? My ex DH is an awful person all round so I left him, but one of the things that was really difficult was his constant grumpiness and stress over everything.

I'm the opposite and can look at the best in most situations. I couldn't bear me and DC treading on eggshells the rest of our lives with him. Do you just ignore it?

The thread on here atm by a partner thinking about how to make his wife's miserable (on chemo) Christmas as good as possible is so touching. It makes me think how well our joy suckers would look after us if seriously ill.

You're missing the bit where they're doing something for their child rather than themselves. Sometimes that involves cheerfully enduring at least a couple of the circles of Hell.

My husband is a fun sponge. Thankfully my sons are not and enjoy the family stuff, holidays, outings and Christmas. Husband only happy when we were all doing what he wanted.

@5475878237NC couldn't agree more- my H was unbearable recently when I had a bad cough and cold and was disrupting his sleep- but then made an enormous fuss when I said I would sleep in the other room -