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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex no longer able to give DD lift

550 replies

crazycattlady0 · 07/12/2024 14:34

I share a DD11 with my ex. He sees her every other weekend and one week in the summer holidays. This has been the pattern since we split up 7 years ago.

He also takes DD to her sport every Wednesday evening, watches her then drops her back.

My ex has been with his partner for a few years and she has a DD a couple of years younger than DD.

My ex has messaged to say that he can no longer take DD to her sport. His SD has just started a similar sport and because the mum can't drive, my ex will now be taking her.

AIBU to think this is unfair on DD, or is it ok because I can drive and therefore take her now?

OP posts:
WaitingforStrike · 07/12/2024 14:35

Are they both on a Wednesday evening?

44PumpLane · 07/12/2024 14:36

Honestly I think it's really shit of him. I would absolutely call him out on it, he's prioritising a new arrangement for his step child over a longstanding arrangement for his child- it's really not on!

2chocolateoranges · 07/12/2024 14:37

YANBU .

I'd be livid, he's basically picking his stepchildren over his own child.

HPandthelastwish · 07/12/2024 14:37

It's shit of him and DD will have the measure of him as she gets older. I'd just take DD myself. Find a local pub and arrange to meet a friend whilst she does her activity.

Pixilicious1 · 07/12/2024 14:37

I think it’s outrageous that he’s is prioritising his SD above his DD especially as he sees her so little. I be livid and probably let him know how shit he is.

I would take DD myself so she didn’t miss out.

PassingStranger · 07/12/2024 14:37

How does he please everyone?
Why cant you take her?

Mrsttcno1 · 07/12/2024 14:38

It is unfair in that she will miss out on having her dad there to see her every week, but I suppose I can see why it makes sense in that you can take her & he can take his stepchild so that they both can get to their class. One of the things with blended families I think.

QuizzicalPause · 07/12/2024 14:38

I think it's fair enough if you are free to do it but it should have been discussed properly with you. This way both kids can do their activity.

Suimai · 07/12/2024 14:38

PassingStranger · 07/12/2024 14:37

How does he please everyone?
Why cant you take her?

Are you fucking serious?

QuizzicalPause · 07/12/2024 14:39

Mrsttcno1 · 07/12/2024 14:38

It is unfair in that she will miss out on having her dad there to see her every week, but I suppose I can see why it makes sense in that you can take her & he can take his stepchild so that they both can get to their class. One of the things with blended families I think.

Yeah I agree it makes sense. He's treating his stepchildren "as his own" as posters on here are so keen to tell me that I should do as a stepmum

rainydaysandrainbows · 07/12/2024 14:39

PassingStranger · 07/12/2024 14:37

How does he please everyone?
Why cant you take her?

His daughter should be his priority

QuizzicalPause · 07/12/2024 14:40

2chocolateoranges · 07/12/2024 14:37

YANBU .

I'd be livid, he's basically picking his stepchildren over his own child.

He's got two kids now. DD will have to just get used to not being no.1. All the time. She's got a half sibling. That's important

QuizzicalPause · 07/12/2024 14:41

If I treated my daughter the same way and said right sorry I'm not taking the dsc to their clubs tonight then I'd be slaughtered on here.

Myneeboots · 07/12/2024 14:41

rainydaysandrainbows · 07/12/2024 14:39

His daughter should be his priority

Show quote history

That’s not what step mums get told when they get with a new bloke with kids.

You have to treat them as your own.

Dueanamechange2025 · 07/12/2024 14:42

QuizzicalPause · 07/12/2024 14:39

Yeah I agree it makes sense. He's treating his stepchildren "as his own" as posters on here are so keen to tell me that I should do as a stepmum

Show quote history

Even if it was his own second child, you don’t start a new activity on the same day as older child and then just say you can’t take them anymore.

My DC1 does sport on Tuesday, so DC2 had to find hobbies on a different day. Not just say sorry DC1, DC2 is more important.

QuizzicalPause · 07/12/2024 14:43

Dueanamechange2025 · 07/12/2024 14:42

Even if it was his own second child, you don’t start a new activity on the same day as older child and then just say you can’t take them anymore.

My DC1 does sport on Tuesday, so DC2 had to find hobbies on a different day. Not just say sorry DC1, DC2 is more important.

Show quote history

You do if there's another parent who can take them

rainydaysandrainbows · 07/12/2024 14:43

@Myneeboots

"That’s not what step mums get told when they get with a new bloke with kids.

You have to treat them as your own."

If a parent has two children and they cancel a regular event for one to take the other to a different one, that would be ridiculous too.

QuizzicalPause · 07/12/2024 14:43

Myneeboots · 07/12/2024 14:41

That’s not what step mums get told when they get with a new bloke with kids.

You have to treat them as your own.

Show quote history

Exactly. He's trying to treat his new daughter as his own. Very commendable

123ZYX · 07/12/2024 14:43

@Myneeboots if I had two children, one of whom already had an engagement on a particular evening, I wouldn't arrange for the second to attend something at the same time and tell the first I'm not longer available to give a lift. I'd tell the second that I'm already busy and we need to find a different day/time

Oaoejvr · 07/12/2024 14:43

Well that’s a way to make his DD see who his priority is and id be saying that to him

Myneeboots · 07/12/2024 14:44

rainydaysandrainbows · 07/12/2024 14:43

@Myneeboots

"That’s not what step mums get told when they get with a new bloke with kids.

You have to treat them as your own."

If a parent has two children and they cancel a regular event for one to take the other to a different one, that would be ridiculous too.

But if both parents can drive which they can as the OP can then it’s not unreasonable for her to take the child as he now should be treating them the same.

crumblingschools · 07/12/2024 14:44

@QuizzicalPause he hardly sees his daughter, not exactly a priority. Where is other child’s dad?

@crazycattlady0 is he offering another evening that he at least sees his DD?

QuizzicalPause · 07/12/2024 14:44

rainydaysandrainbows · 07/12/2024 14:43

@Myneeboots

"That’s not what step mums get told when they get with a new bloke with kids.

You have to treat them as your own."

If a parent has two children and they cancel a regular event for one to take the other to a different one, that would be ridiculous too.

Not if there's another parent who can help.
Not if one child has done a hobby for say 3 years and now the other child gets to do it for 3 years

QuizzicalPause · 07/12/2024 14:45

Oaoejvr · 07/12/2024 14:43

Well that’s a way to make his DD see who his priority is and id be saying that to him

He's got two priorities now. So she'll have to learn to share her dad with her sister

Myneeboots · 07/12/2024 14:45

123ZYX · 07/12/2024 14:43

@Myneeboots if I had two children, one of whom already had an engagement on a particular evening, I wouldn't arrange for the second to attend something at the same time and tell the first I'm not longer available to give a lift. I'd tell the second that I'm already busy and we need to find a different day/time

If you had 2 parents that could drive then there is no reason 2 kids can’t go to the same activity on the same night.