Ex no longer able to give DD lift

[crazycattlady0]

I share a DD11 with my ex. He sees her every other weekend and one week in the summer holidays. This has been the pattern since we split up 7 years ago.

He also takes DD to her sport every Wednesday evening, watches her then drops her back.

My ex has been with his partner for a few years and she has a DD a couple of years younger than DD.

My ex has messaged to say that he can no longer take DD to her sport. His SD has just started a similar sport and because the mum can't drive, my ex will now be taking her.

AIBU to think this is unfair on DD, or is it ok because I can drive and therefore take her now?

I always brace myself for the responses on here when it involves step children / blended families (I’m a step mum myself).

As step parents, people are always quick to point out that step children should be treated the same as any biological children.

Here we have a man who is trying to ensure that both his daughter and his stepchild can access a similar sport. The only way that can be achieved is through asking for help from you as you can drive.

I don’t immediately see an issue with that as long as he agrees to swap the Wednesday for another night he can spend time with his daughter. That actually may be better quality time as they can spend time conversing over bowling / dinner etc rather than he watching a sport from the sideline.

I have the worlds tiniest violin for the poor Dad here.
Yes, he's choosing to appease his current squeeze and not discuss this with his ex sensibly and explain his dilemma and see if there's a compromise.

He is not offering up another day. He's not asking for help, he's ditching his DD. The OP has stepped up because she is doing the best by her DD.

And numerous people have said that if they were both his biological kids in the same family unit, he would not have done this. He'd have said the younger child could pick an activity on any other night because they already had a commitment to take her sister somewhere on that night. So he is the one who is treating them differently.

Plus he's not asking for help from the OP and offering another evening, he's just halving the number of days he sees his daughter, without consultation as to whether it's even possible for her mother to take her to the activity instead.

What other conclusion could his daughter possibly come to than that he doesn't care about her?

I can't believe the people that are defending him and trying to make it all out to be reasonable, especially the PP up thread suggesting that the OP's very restrained complaint is a woman "being mean" and trying to alienate the ex. He's managing that very nicely all by himself - he's a crap father and his daughter will justifiably be very hurt.

Which is exactly why she should be told by the parent that makes her feel safer and she can trust. I absolutely would want to be the one to deliver, guide and support my dc through an upsetting message, regardless of who caused it. That would be my job as the responsible and reliable parent in her life.

No, actually he’s just hurting his daughter and you’re scoring points off a child for your own self justifaction.

I think I'd ask him straight, "Have you forgotten who is ACTUALLY your daughter? Are you seriously telling me that you are making YOUR CHILD give up a sport she loves and lose half your contact time with her so that you can ferry SOMEONE ELSE'S CHILD around?

You would rather spend your time with a girl who isn't even related to you, over your own daughter? Is that what I'm hearing?

If so, you can tell her yourself that your girlfriends daughter is more important to you than she is and you are choosing to see her less so you can spend time with this other child.

She is your child not a fucking piece of furniture, you don't just move out and get a new one! You're her father, she should come first."

I'd really fucking lay into him, spineless piece of shit. What a useless excuse for a father.

Emotionally it is a problem for his daughter

ThenOP has every right to be annoyed by her ex’s behaviour

People don't seen to be realising that OP said its her Exs step daughter not daughter, so he is prioritising a child who's not his, over his own flesh and blood. That's wrong, why couldn't the SD do her sport on a different day so he could watch them both. Yes op can drive her daughter that's not the point.
OP you are not being unreasonable and you need to tell your ex he is, and make him see it from his daughters point of view. He should at least see her on a different night to make up.
Are you local to each other? Could he drop his sd off with her mum, then go watch your daughter?

@SuperfluousHen this is my opinion and I think she should tell him what she thinks and don't let him just make his decision without consequences.
I'm entitled to my opinion

I’d reply you have a standing commitment to your daughter, do you honestly think she will understand that you are cancelling on seeing her at all every other week because this unrelated girl who you now see all the time is more important? Tell her yourself you coward and if you are lonely in your old age then you will have only to look in the mirror and know why

You’ve obviously missed the bit where he is refusing to see his daughter another night so cuts seeing her from a pitiful eight times a month to an even more pitiful four. Whereas he lives with stepdaughter so sees her much more often, she also has two parents who can take her to the sport. He’s a crap dad.

This.

As for all those saying treat children and step children the same: this loser of a father obviously should cut back seeing his step child to 4 days a month. That’s “equal treatment”.

He is abandoning his own daughter for his stepdaughter. He has to hope that his stepdaughter will care for him in his old age. He’ll reap what he sows.

He isn’t some poor lickle ickle man being pulled in 2 directions by 2 strong and powerful women vying for his attention. This isn’t about 2 women being mean. This is about being a parent to his child. Being present in her life is important. Far more important than ensuring the non blood related child he lives with gets from a to b when there are alternatives such as taxis, Ubers or going to a different club or the same one on a different evening.

Yes, that is the point.

Is he going to see DD another weekday to make up for lost contact?

If not I think you need to talk to DD to prepare her for lowering her expectations of her father so she doesn't think this is an acceptable way for him to treat her... Its an unpopular opinion but I don't agree that "badmouthing" ie making excuses for shitty fathers is a bad thing.

Ignore all the people telling you he is justified. He does the bare minimum already and then to agree to organise a club on the same evening he’s supposed to take your daughter is not on. Yes he has a step daughter he should treat as his own but he already has a long standing arrangement in place and this will upset your daughter. I’d tell him how awful he is for doing the bare minimum and make sure he’s the one who tells your daughter he will no longer be taking her. She will realise soon enough what he’s like. I have 3 kids of my own who I share care with 50/50 with their dad which was pushed for by him as we both wanted children and we both wanted to raise them when we realised the relationship was not going to continue working. I also have a step son with my current husband. I would absolutely not ask my husband to drop something he does with his son in place of one of my kids and I don’t drive either! The partner is wrong for even asking him and the dad is wrong for agreeing.

Tell your Ex it's his job to explain to your DD why he can no longer take her to her sport every week & that he's taking his SD instead. Ask him why SD Dad can't take her if her Mum can't. Yes it's good that he's taken on a woman with kids & is taking on the shared responsibilities but he shouldn't prioritise her kid over his own. Also let him know he's not pulling his weight at holiday times either & that from now on he'll have her half the school holidays, if that's what your DD would be happy with of course.

That sounds a bit shit for your kid. Do you ever prioritise your own child?

@QuizzicalPause how often do you see your child. Does your child like being part of a blended family?

I don't see it that way. I am seeing 2 little girls who need driving to 2 different places by the only 2 people who drive??

@Nantescalling and what about the little girl who might want to see her dad more often than EOW

How does seeing a child during the holidays make up for
consistent weekly contact?

also, why should mom give up holiday time just because dad doesn’t find it convenient to be a weekday parent?

As in all families, compromises must be found. Luckily for the ex, the op has actually agreed to swap as she is prioritising her dd's wellbeing over her own autonomy and arrangements. The massive problem here is not the hobby but the reducing the child's time with her dad who will not offer another night in lieu. It has little to do with the stepchild actually..a pp upthread said it right that of course he wants to please his current partner more than his ex and the girls just gets caught in the crossfire. His reduction of regular contact is the issue. More time in the hols does not replace that. Mine only see their dad in the hols and he doesn't know them.