Ex no longer able to give DD lift

[crazycattlady0]

I share a DD11 with my ex. He sees her every other weekend and one week in the summer holidays. This has been the pattern since we split up 7 years ago.

He also takes DD to her sport every Wednesday evening, watches her then drops her back.

My ex has been with his partner for a few years and she has a DD a couple of years younger than DD.

My ex has messaged to say that he can no longer take DD to her sport. His SD has just started a similar sport and because the mum can't drive, my ex will now be taking her.

AIBU to think this is unfair on DD, or is it ok because I can drive and therefore take her now?

I agree @Guest100. His decision so he can explain it to her.

And Mum will pick up the slack for him yet again. 😡

That's AWFUL. He risks ruining his relationship with DD over this?
He's not free, he has a preexisting arrangement on Weds evening. That should be it.
Different scenario if it were unavoidable and he had asked you both.

I think this is a fair point. But.
You don't want to put your DD in the middle of this but equally do you want to be the person who tells your DD this? It's not the OP that's creating the problem.
Dad has made this choice and if he can't explain it to DD without looking shitty, it's because it is shitty..
You can tell DD not to worry about getting to the sports because you will take her but she's still going to be hurt that Dad has prioritised his SD over her. Which he has.

As a dad, I would never do this, his daughter was doing her sport first and they knew this so maybe they should have sorted this before they agreed to the SD. If it was a change of hours in work that would maybe be unavoidable but this is a real kick in the teeth to HIS actual daughter.

Get the new wife driving, unless she medically can’t. Why can’t she take a taxi with DSD.

Make him explain to your daughter why he can't be arsed taking her any more.

I think it’s unfortunate but okay for you to help out. Try not to cause friction between the families. It will only make the children unhappy.

I hope he's prepared for his DD resenting him for shunting her aside for another child.

i don’t see an issue with changing who takes her (if he actually discussed this with you OP, rather than just assumed). However, I do think it’s awful if he doesn’t then suggest he do something with DD another night each week - if he doesn’t do this (and your updates mention he won’t) then it’s very sad for your DD. I would be livid fur that reason - which I think is what you’re getting at too

Which is ridiculous

Just take her yourself. Tell him you understand perfectly where his priorities now lie but don’t worry your daughter has a mother that can easily step up and is happy to put her own child first!

He'll be needing to adjust his Child maintenance payments then if he's seeing her even less. It's not just about getting her to and from the sport, it's about time with her dad.

Totally agree.

Because from my time here on MN it seems the vast majority of contributors are bitter ex wives that hate the women who are now with their ex husbands.

I haven’t seen any evidence on this thread. Most have been concerned about the daughter and her relationship with her dad. That said, while we are making sweeping generalisations, there are a lot of women on MN who married shit fathers. They seem intent on demonising any woman who expects better of her ex and they are full of excuses. “Oh he could be worse than only having 15% contact time.” “His ex wants all of the contact.” “Step D aged 15 loves her siblings and sharing a bedroom with our 2 year old twins and newborn.”

@Sushu

It’s not just on MN, it’s very much a view prevalent in real life. I’ve lost count of the number of times someone has said my daughters dad is “so good for wanting to see her so much” 🥴. Absolutely nobody would think a mother was “so good” for wanting to see her children 50:50 following a split or anything other than absolutely shit if she saw them less than that. It is so bizarre.

As far as I am aware, my ex husband doesn’t view himself as being some kind of prince among men for seeing his child 50:50, it was just the baseline we went with. Our relationship with each other failed, our relationship with our shared child did not, basically.

Well, a father who dumps a commitment to his daughter, in favour of his step-child (with whom he lives, presumably) deserves any & all bitterness.

And note: it's not even bitterness - it's empathy for the daughter, having to encounter rubbish fathering so early in her life. The person who should make her feel loved and secure has just dumped her in favour of a child with whom he has no biological connection.

Don't you mean a "step-sibling" ie no relation to her.

He's between a rock and a hard place...this isn't about the girls in his life it's about the women. He has to choose who he annoys: the woman he lives with or the woman he used to live with. He's being pulled in two directions, literally and figuratively. OP can support his predicament here and earn his respect and her DD's if she frames this properly, by explaining to her DD that OP is helping the Ex out of his "can't be in two places at once" issue by taking her instead. It doesn't mean he loves DD any less, or that he loves SD more; they hold different places in his heart. It's purely practical use of those members of his family who can drive. Both girls get to do their sport.

The toxic twisting of this into "he's choosing SD over DD" is exactly why women get a bad name for parental alienation and manipulation. Hurt women are incapable of looking at it from the man's POV. The guy here is trying to do right by everyone at the cost of time he would like to spend with his DD.

I'm a woman who works with guys (mostly divorced guys apparently). I see stuff like this so much, women can be so mean when hurt.

He isn’t caught between a rock and a hard place

he has a commitment that he has made to his daughter that he is choosing the brake

that it may upset his partner or his ex partner is not the issue it’s that he is letting down his dd and that’s ok to do

and what does that tell her, that she can be let down by her dad if he will let her down who else will

@PeepDeBeaul

What? Children are not merely extensions of their mother. His commitment to taking his child to her sports was for her not to make his ex’s life easier. The op has made it more than clear that doing it herself, is in the practical sense, not an issue.

The guys you work with are giving their side of the story . So many dads cut contact prioritise their new girlfriend/their step children/social life…
then they’ll blame the mother that they have blocked contact or ruining their relationship.
taking no responsibility that it’s their actions or lack of action that’s causing them problems!

Let's assume that the evening activity is a couple of hours, plus travel time and equates to 3 hours a week. Also assuming that it is in term time only or thereabouts so roughly 40 weeks of the year.
If the ex is no longer going to see his daughter for these hours then he can have her for the equivalent 5 full days in another holiday. See if he would like to swap the Wednesday duty for a week in summer or Easter since you do most of the parenting currently.

He's between a rock and a hard place...this isn't about the girls in his life it's about the women. He has to choose who he annoys: the woman he lives with or the woman he used to live with. He's being pulled in two directions, literally and figuratively. OP can support his predicament here and earn his respect and her DD's if she frames this properly, by explaining to her DD that OP is helping the Ex out of his "can't be in two places at once" issue by taking her instead. It doesn't mean he loves DD any less, or that he loves SD more; they hold different places in his heart.

I’m afraid the daughter will see it precisely as him prioritising SD over her, which is what he’s doing. It’s hurtful behaviour on his part, it tells his dd that she is not his priority, she comes behind his new wife and by extension, his SD. I’ve seen this with my own dc and no matter how objectively it’s put, that is the fact of the matter and it can’t be reframed to make it better.

My ex prefers to let down his dd than his new wife and SDC because he can guilt trip her into “being kind” and “understanding” of whatever predicament he had created for himself so that he doesn’t have to feel bad. She is the one who feels bad.

I'd make him tell your dd himself though.