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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Gave my friend a birthday gift. She let her child open it.

222 replies

PlaygroundSusie · 07/12/2024 12:07

So, this actually happens every year. I have a good friend of many years, and we exchange small gifts on our birthdays. Nothing lavish or particularly exciting - think fairly generic items for grown-up ladies such as: nice teas, coffee, bath salts, scented candles, etc.

My friend has a daughter, and ever since she (the daughter) was old enough to unwrap gifts, my friend always immediately hands her own birthday gifts over to her daughter to unwrap. Of course, the daughter swoops on them, much like a seagull after a chip, and rips them open with glee!

It was my friend's birthday last week, and this time I managed to see her during the daytime when her daughter was at school. I wished her happy birthday, and handed over my gift. However, rather than open the gift herself, my friend thanked me and said "Do you mind if I wait until [Daughter] comes home from school, so that she can open it? [Daughter] just loves unwrapping presents!"

Reader, I DID mind! I'd bought and wrapped the gift for my friend to open, rather than her daughter! But I couldn't think of a way to say that without sounding precious. Later than evening, my friend texted me, thanking me for the gift (a pair of adult-sized fuzzy socks) and mentioned how much her daughter enjoyed opening it.

I don't know why, but this just rubbed me up the wrong way. I can understand allowing a young toddler to 'help' open a present that's been given to an adult, but my friend's daughter is six! Surely that's old enough to appreciate the concept that she gets to open presents on her birthday, and her mum gets to open presents on her mum's birthday?

(And yes, I know in the grand scheme of things this is ridiculously small, and I have no intention of saying anything to my friend. But I'm just wondering it this is normal, or if IABU?).

OP posts:
SwerveCity · 07/12/2024 16:21

FreeMilkshakesForYou · 07/12/2024 16:13

It isn't great parenting, but how does that affect op? Genuinely asking as I don't understand the upset.

Not op's present and not her dc, so not sure why she would be offended. Itcwas also just a pair of socks, so not sure she was looking forward to an emotional reaction or anything. Truly don't get this one

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Well it affects the op by not letting her see her friend open her own gift like she stated she wanted to. That’s pretty clear I’d say 🤷🏻‍♀️

Namechangedagain20 · 07/12/2024 16:23

SwerveCity · 07/12/2024 16:10

It would annoy me too but I don’t think I would say anything. Who teaches their 6 year old that they get to open other people’s gifts though? It’s as bad as kids blowing out others birthday candles.

I really don’t see why it matters? My DC open mine my presents because I let them, so does DH. They don’t do it to anyone else not even each other unless offered (they do usually offer to let the others help open them).

I don’t get any enjoyment out of opening presents, using them yes, but I don’t feel excited opening presents so it makes no difference to me. There’s a world of difference between children helping parents/siblings open presents when offered and just thinking they can open anyone’s presents. And it’s still me who uses the present, it’s not as if they think it’s their present.

The amount of adults on here who get enjoyment from watching other adults open presents is baffling to me.

Lucia573 · 07/12/2024 16:23

Use a gift bag and don’t fasten the top. So no unwrapping required. Or buy a lovely plant and don’t wrap it at all.

Clafoutie · 07/12/2024 16:26

DowntonFlabbie · 07/12/2024 13:34

What a load of old bollocks! You've entirely conjured this child from nothing, with no basis in fact.

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I think @LondonPlace is speaking in general terms, about principles, and makes some very good points.

mathanxiety · 07/12/2024 16:29

whalesonthebus · 07/12/2024 12:54

Haha this is the sort of petty thing that would annoy me too. I’d probably start using gift bags instead - my Dsis has started using brown paper gift bags and I’d likely go with something like that.

Yes to this.

I wouldn't support this. It's not teaching the child any useful lesson about the meaning of "yours" and "mine".

Threecraws · 07/12/2024 16:29

Presumably you give a gift because you want to bring pleasure to your friend. She gets pleasure from seeing the delight with which her child opens presents, so why begrudge that?

MumblesParty · 07/12/2024 16:30

DowntonFlabbie · 07/12/2024 13:33

Christ on a bike, British people are obsessed with anything and everything being RUDE.

If you give someone a gift and your main consideration is of your own pleasure at watching them open it, dont give gifts. You aren't actually the centre of the universe.

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Racist

mathanxiety · 07/12/2024 16:31

LondonPlace · 07/12/2024 13:19

Surprised about the responses. She is raising a child who will want to be centre stage and can't deal with not being the main act. She is raising an Apple Martin. A child who will throw tantrum when she doesn't get the gift in pass the parcel.

It's good for children to see mummy is her own person who also deserves a gift in her own right. This behaviour is not respectful of normal boundaries. She's also not considering you as a gift giver as her focus is all on dd. Is the dd an only child?

I agree absolutely.

Boundary problems can be hard to rectify. The friend should be aware of the bigger picture here and behaving accordingly. She's being very short sighted, and also rude to the OP.

MumblesParty · 07/12/2024 16:31

Lucia573 · 07/12/2024 16:23

Use a gift bag and don’t fasten the top. So no unwrapping required. Or buy a lovely plant and don’t wrap it at all.

This is what I would do.
Like you Op, I would find this irrationally irritating

ObtuseMoose · 07/12/2024 16:31

MumblesParty · 07/12/2024 16:30

Racist

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Explain

FreeMilkshakesForYou · 07/12/2024 16:46

SwerveCity · 07/12/2024 16:21

Well it affects the op by not letting her see her friend open her own gift like she stated she wanted to. That’s pretty clear I’d say 🤷🏻‍♀️

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Nope, still don't get it. You can say "because she wants to see her open it" but it doesn't explain why. Does she like seeing her reaction when she gets something she likes? If so, it was a pair of fluffy socks. If anyone I knew felt a gift of fluffy socks was of such high importance that if she didn't get to see "that look" on my face when I open them, she would get the rage and post a thread online about it, I would think they were certifiable

Anyway, agree with gift bags/plant/wine/voucher if it's really bothering op.

BibbityBobbityToo · 07/12/2024 16:49

Go for unwrapped in a gift bag next year.

Westofeasttoday · 07/12/2024 16:56

Who. The. Hell. Cares.

Let it go.

user2848502016 · 07/12/2024 16:58

Nothing to get worked up about, seriously get over it 🙄

Boomer55 · 07/12/2024 16:58

Wouldn’t bother me at all. 🤷‍♀️

JaneAustensHeroine · 07/12/2024 17:01

LondonPlace · 07/12/2024 13:19

Surprised about the responses. She is raising a child who will want to be centre stage and can't deal with not being the main act. She is raising an Apple Martin. A child who will throw tantrum when she doesn't get the gift in pass the parcel.

It's good for children to see mummy is her own person who also deserves a gift in her own right. This behaviour is not respectful of normal boundaries. She's also not considering you as a gift giver as her focus is all on dd. Is the dd an only child?

Absolutely this! Worst of all it just doesn’t make sense. At what point will the child think the gift is hers if she wants it and everyone has to wait until she is there for gifts to be opened. Does the daughter expect to open everyone else’s gifts too or just her Mum’s? Weird and ridiculous. I genuinely wouldn’t bother with giving the friend gifts in future.

FestiveFruitloop · 07/12/2024 17:46

phoenixrosehere · 07/12/2024 14:39

Yes.

My mother used to buy me things (typically clothes that were her liking/style) as a teen despite my dad telling her that I wouldn’t like it and she would ignore him every time. I would smile politely and thank her but I couldn’t school my eyes (usually confusion) so I would be asked to tell the truth and I would politely explain it isn’t my style and this fabric makes me itch or overheat (I run warm and she runs cold). She would call me ungrateful every time. She didn’t like my style and hers was seemingly better than mine, and couldn’t understand why I like “old” things meaning vintage things.

Years of this made me anxious around receiving gifts and surprises.

I’ve learned to smile and look straight down at a gift as I open it so my eyes aren’t seen jic.

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Oof, yep I can see how that would have made you wary of opening gifts straight away!

EasternEcho · 07/12/2024 20:21

BreatheAndFocus · 07/12/2024 14:59

It’s not conditions, it’s courtesy. As an analogy, if someone goes to the trouble to cook you a special meal, the giving ends with them serving you the meal - but it would be extremely rude not to think of the giver and not to make appreciative comments while eating the meal. Someone then saying they didn’t want to do that “because the giving of the meal ended the moment it was served and it was now their meal would be rude.

All these people saying the friend is only using her daughter as an excuse because she doesn’t like opening presents in front of people are making no sense because normally she lets the child open it in front of her and the OP and has to make some reaction then anyway, despite not unwrapping it. The truth is more likely that she’s spoiling her child and failing to teach her that other people matter to and she can’t have everything she wants.

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A served meal is not analogous to a gift. Even if it was, because you cooked and served a meal how much more does your meal entail? Does their display of enjoyment and how much they eat where they eat so that it makes YOU happy come with it? Do they have the right to not eat it if they don't feel like it? To me getting worked up about giving a gift and how it is opened is a very strange concept.

Toomanyvampires · 07/12/2024 20:22

SwerveCity · 07/12/2024 16:21

Well it affects the op by not letting her see her friend open her own gift like she stated she wanted to. That’s pretty clear I’d say 🤷🏻‍♀️

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Love it! So if we are going for the pettiness olympics I’m going to join in.

I’d feel affronted at OPs entitlement to derive joy at my reaction to her opening her present. I’d go further I’d be quite concerned that OP has a fetish in watching people unwrap things in-front of her if this is a source of joy for her so she’s doing it for her pleasure, rather than her seeking to give a gift I would enjoy. I’d be questioning my friendship as I don’t want to be used as part of her fetish.

Do I win?

#inventingpettygrievancesfromnon-issues. #Checkmate!

Workingthroughit · 07/12/2024 20:25

This would piss me off too. Next time I would be being really obvious about it, even patronising.

Nc546888 · 07/12/2024 20:28

I wouldn’t be able to muster up the care about this

Smittenkitchen · 07/12/2024 20:30

Thought you were going to say she was about 25! She's still only little. I can understand if you would have enjoyed watching her open it though.

JaneAustensHeroine · 07/12/2024 20:58

Reading this has brought back a memory of childhood Christmases where my mum used to tell me to open her presents from my dad and relatives. I don’t know why but it was like she couldn’t be bothered. Looking back, if I had been my dad I would have been quite insulted by that. It feels like a statement that the gift (and giver) is not important enough to warrant being opened by the recipient.

WhiskerPatrol · 07/12/2024 21:14

Very rude, and your friend is spoiling her DD and teaching her to be a grabby, selfish little madam! What happens when she goes to a friend's birthday party, will she insist on opening the presents there too? I wouldn't be getting her anything else.

CJsGoldfish · 07/12/2024 21:46

nutbrownhare15 · 07/12/2024 12:13

I would message her and say how you know that watching her daughter open presents gives her pleasure, well similar for you watching your friend open hers so would It be ok if she opened it in front of you next time.

Don't do this! That's a whole year of awkwardness until the next time. Unless you would be ok with her deciding that maybe you cut out the birthday gifts, which wouldn't be a bad outcome.
Say something at the time, or not at all. How you'd normally speak, not in the suggested 'message' way 😆

You said that daughter has been doing this for years so you know what to expect. I don't understand why you couldn't just say, "Nah, go on, you open it" Kid not around, you had the perfect opportunity.
Maybe it's time to put an end to the gifts?

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