Gave my friend a birthday gift. She let her child open it.

[PlaygroundSusie]

So, this actually happens every year. I have a good friend of many years, and we exchange small gifts on our birthdays. Nothing lavish or particularly exciting - think fairly generic items for grown-up ladies such as: nice teas, coffee, bath salts, scented candles, etc.

My friend has a daughter, and ever since she (the daughter) was old enough to unwrap gifts, my friend always immediately hands her own birthday gifts over to her daughter to unwrap. Of course, the daughter swoops on them, much like a seagull after a chip, and rips them open with glee!

It was my friend's birthday last week, and this time I managed to see her during the daytime when her daughter was at school. I wished her happy birthday, and handed over my gift. However, rather than open the gift herself, my friend thanked me and said "Do you mind if I wait until [Daughter] comes home from school, so that she can open it? [Daughter] just loves unwrapping presents!"

Reader, I DID mind! I'd bought and wrapped the gift for my friend to open, rather than her daughter! But I couldn't think of a way to say that without sounding precious. Later than evening, my friend texted me, thanking me for the gift (a pair of adult-sized fuzzy socks) and mentioned how much her daughter enjoyed opening it.

I don't know why, but this just rubbed me up the wrong way. I can understand allowing a young toddler to 'help' open a present that's been given to an adult, but my friend's daughter is six! Surely that's old enough to appreciate the concept that she gets to open presents on her birthday, and her mum gets to open presents on her mum's birthday?

(And yes, I know in the grand scheme of things this is ridiculously small, and I have no intention of saying anything to my friend. But I'm just wondering it this is normal, or if IABU?).

This reminds me of my parents, who had to buy my siblings gifts on my birthday because when they were toddlers, they told me to let them have a go at unwrapping mine, and then suddenly they were like 6 and still expected to be able to unwrap everyone else’s gifts.

Super annoying behaviour and if I were you I’d stick next years in a gift bag, no tissue paper. Don’t do the vibrator thing as mum is clearly precious enough to make it seem like you’re a predator.

It’s rude and weird. The child is more than old enough to understand the present is for you. Unwrapping a present is part of the joy - but that’s for the recipient not a spoilt child. Worse, to do this when the child isn’t even there is very rude. It makes it seem she cares more about her child opening it than the gift itself. It’s also cringingly pathetic to actually say and do that - to save a small present to be opened by a schoolchild. I’m surprised she wasn’t embarrassed to say that!

In future, I’d either not wrap her presents at all and just produce them with a flourish from your bag, or go with rude presents which will work well as it will only take one occasion of the child opening a saucy coaster or vibrator or whatever to stop all future gift openings by the child.

But why should a child do the unwrapping?
Do they have to have everything they want?

It's one thing to say to them at the time, 'Here, you can take the paper off for Mummy' but it's quite another to put the present away till they come in from school and the friend has gone home.

And for people who feel uncomfortable unwrapping gifts please- just woman-up.
Every dreads opening something they may hate but you've just got to get over that.

The recipient doesn't HAVE to do anything. Once you've given something. it's their property, and their choice how to deal with it.

It's impolite never to thank the giver, and in most cases not to reciprocate on similar occasions- even there, you can't demand it of people. But it would never occur to me to make stipulations about how and when and where they should open the gifts. In the case of Christmas presents, many people keep them all under the Christmas tree to open with their family on Christmas morning, That's not in fact what I usually do, but I would not dictate what someone else's choice should be. The same with any presents.

Wouldn't bother me at all.

Personally I just don't get much joy from unwrapping, but they do, it's just a minor pleasure watching their smiles!

However, I'm very clear that the contents belong to mummy... that would annoy me if someone insisted on sharing the contents with their kids.

I was taught to never open gifts in front of the giver, so I don't, unless they insist on it!

Good grief how can something so minor even register. You give a gift what the recipient does with that is up to them.

If she asked you, you had the opportunity to say "Actually I kind of do mind that your daughter is the person who unwraps the gifts I buy for you. Don't get me wrong because I have no problem with her opening gifts that may be bought for her and wrapped for her to open but this is actually something I spent time selecting for you and I want you to be the one to open it, please"

You could say "But this isn't a present for her. Why would she be the person opening it??" ask her why she thinks her daughter should be the one to unwrap gifts.

Other suggestion would be to get her something completely adult related, wrap it and say nothing. When her daughter opens it up and it is clearly for the mother, then she has to deal with the outcome of that.

I never open the gift onfront of the giver unless they specifically request that they want me to open it there and then. I always take it home and open it at home or wait until they've left. So I'm on the side of your friend!

This nails it

On what basis would you mind? I cannot understand that at all and less so why you would want to confront or embarrass someone you consider a friend for a non issue.

It's just a little present that your friend and her child both get joy out of. If it was a £50 special thing I'd be pissed off - but for a little fun thing I think I'd be ok.

I think this would annoy me too but I think I’d take it as a cue not to do the presents any more. She’s basically making you feel that she doesn’t appreciate them.

I am so over present giving. Seems a lot of work for not a lot of pleasure for anyone. (Apart from children)

'I thought she would, so I've made the wrapping extra challenging just for her!' 😇 Packaging lasagne of:
Nice paper
Parcel tape
Bin bag
Noodles
Glitter
A crisp packet
Tiny polystyrene
Nice paper 2
Final gift in hard plastic (ideally not clear) that requires a knife and scissors
The gift is alcohol

Just picked this point out from the thread to respond to as there are others with a similar message going through them.

That's fine. If you don't want to open gifts in front of people, then don't.
Please though, open them yourself as they were gifts that people put some/a lot of thought into getting FOR YOU and not for anyone else.

There is something lovely about opening gifts by yourself after guests leave and getting to inspect and see what people got you.

Agree with this, what if she is not good at pretending to be excited by fuzzy socks. Personally, I wear slippers and have never owned or been tempted to purchase a pair of fuzzy socks. She obviously doesn't like to.open presents in front of people so just allow her to continue using her daughter as an excuse and don't over think it.

If giving me a gift comes with an expectation that I should 'woman up' and 'just get over' things that cause me distress or anxiety- then please don't give me any gifts!!!

I don't in fact have this particular problem with opening gifts; but quite generally speaking, it's far more important to me, and far more of a sign of friendship, that people should respect my personal 'quirks' and refrain from putting pressure on me about them, than that they should give me presents.

Now this WOULD annoy me. I couldn’t care less about a child unwrapping a present, but if I’ve spent a lot of money on chocolates, I wouldn’t want a child chomping their way through them like Quality Street.

It would annoy me but I’d try hard (and would probably fail!) to remember the spirit of giving, is without expectation.

Also next time I’d take a tiny little gift like a kinder egg or something for the child to open at the same time .

Love this!!!

If this annoys you, just you wait until the child grows into a young teenager - not only will they still unwrap your gifts, but will also have the pleasure of keeping your gift for themselves! This happened to me with an old friend - year after year I'd buy fancy handbags, clothing, jewellery etc and never saw friend wear any of my gifts. Bit odd but hey ho. Years later it transpired she gave away all of my expensive presents to her teenage daughter, simply because she was spoilt and demanded her mother's presents and knew I always gave good gifts! Daughter was swanning around in kurt Geiger handbags, jigsaw silk scarves, chanel perfumes....left a very bitter taste in my mouth that I was inadvertently buying for her child ( who would also get her own present from me each birthday and Christmas). Don't know who I was more angry at tbh but the friendship is no more.

This would fuck me right off.

I believe any gift giving ends with handing over the package. What the other person chooses to do with it after that is not part of the act of giving. That person can seem over the moon about it in front of you, and bin it the moment you leave. Who knows. The pleasure for me is in the giving. If anyone gives me anything with conditions attached as to how and when and who should open it, I would rather not get anything.

Yes.

My mother used to buy me things (typically clothes that were her liking/style) as a teen despite my dad telling her that I wouldn’t like it and she would ignore him every time. I would smile politely and thank her but I couldn’t school my eyes (usually confusion) so I would be asked to tell the truth and I would politely explain it isn’t my style and this fabric makes me itch or overheat (I run warm and she runs cold). She would call me ungrateful every time. She didn’t like my style and hers was seemingly better than mine, and couldn’t understand why I like “old” things meaning vintage things.

Years of this made me anxious around receiving gifts and surprises.

I’ve learned to smile and look straight down at a gift as I open it so my eyes aren’t seen jic.

Ditto
No big deal at all IMO