To get through 17hour childcare shifts. Tips?

[Luckystarss]

Hoping for some practical advice on getting through 17hrs childcare shifts (2am to 7pm) mon to fri please…

So I’m on maternity leave with my gorgeous DD, aged 6 months. This is our last child as we decided with DH our family is now complete, we also have DS aged 7. I’m in my late thirties.
Whilst there are so many amazing moments with DD - her giggles, her beautiful smile, her play etc- there are so many mundane childcare hours and I find myself feeling so overwhelmed and tired especially going towards the end of the week... I know others have probably more difficult situations but hoping for some practical tips to ease these long hours…
I have 7 months of mat leave left and I would like to enjoy it…

We don’t have family close by.

So the set up is this:

DH and I are doing shifts in looking after DD, DH sleeps in guest room and has DD there for part of the night.
DH is out of the house 7am to 7pm Monday to Friday for work. As soon as he gets home, quick change of clothes tea and he takes DD, say 7.15ish.

My typical day (Monday to Friday):
2am ish DH brings DD for a feed (I’m bfeeding)
Sometimes she stays asleep while eating some times she is awake for 2hrs and I need to put her to sleep again
Perhaps I get few hours of sleep then
Around 5ish - breastfeeding again
6am get up, breakfast , play
9am morning snooze about 1 hour
Feed play outside if the weather is good
Lunch
Afternoon snooze 2hrs
Play feed
Go to pick up DS from school
4-7pm (most challenging part of he day) : getting dinner sorted, while managing DD and answering various questions by DS, sometimes he plays with DD which helps me focus on dinner (most of the times it’s something quick - like stir fry, oven baked chicken thighs with steamed frozen veg, pasta pizza and similar)
DH gets in 7 takes DD, I tidy up kitchen a bit, give dinner to DH, make tea.
Then 7.30-8 me time for quick shower foot massage (machine), meditation and 8ish a cuddle with DS before his bedtime.
8pm-2am sleep (sometimes at 11pm DD needs a feed, if so DH brings her in for feeding and takes her back once finished). Brings her back circa 2am and so the cycle repeats until 7pm…

DH takes DS to school each morning, he also pays for cleaners (we have them Monday to Friday- they tidy, clean, do laundry) and he also looks DD over the weekend more unless there are some household stuff to sort out - such as sorting out broken locks, sink, etc

I feel this is so relentless- day in day out, yes I got through it before with DS (albeit I was younger) and DD was very much planned and we are lucky to have her. Yet I would love to enjoy these remaining 7 months more, rather than just keeping an eye on the clock waiting for my break…

Also I was thinking to myself if you approach nanny or a nursery setting with 17hrs childcare request- there is no way they would do it (without a break) and yet the society simply expects this kind of thing from mothers…

Thank you for reading

What is it you actually want to do though?

More adult time? Or are you just bored? Then factor things in during the day, Parent and Baby screenings at the cinema, events during the day at the local theatre or museum. Factor in time to read a book, or put a grown up radio or podcast on.

Routine is relentless that's the point of them, the same thing everyday. If the after school time is challenging then sort the meal out earlier and reheat or use a slow cooker.

When your daughter is napping, prepare the evening meals then.
You'll have some time then to go out somewhere in the afternoon to break it up and you can actually sit down with your husband and kids when he is home.

And if all you have to do is heat up dinner, you can spend time with your son and not hope he'll keep your daughter occupied.

This is just normal life with a baby?

It’s not forever. Hire in help if you want to and can afford it.

Your baby sleeps 3hrs during the day which is really good and you have lots of time to yourself. Mine never napped that long. I'm guessing your baby is 5 months old if you have 7 months mat leave left. Mine slept through the night at that age, but she was bottle fed.

and yet the society simply expects this kind of thing from mothers…

Did you amd your husband not make a choice to have children and you stay at home while he worked?

DD is going through similar with DGS. It is unrelenting but that time soon passes. She has finally agreed to let her MiL look after the baby one day a week to give some respite. I live two hours away so can't help.

I'm confused what the problem is. Isn't this just normal life with a baby and until your baby sleeps for say 12 hours a night it is hard but that's what having a baby is.

Your DH seems to do lots and too be honest I think it a a bit of a myth that mothers ever have a break unfortunately.

You survived before you will survive again

It's not really a childcare shift, it's parenting. There's plenty of mothers and fathers doing 24hrs a day. You seem to have a fair bit of downtime if she's napping well, very few chores.

I'd prep dinner during the nap if you find it tricky later.

Do you do any classes/ mums groups anything regular? Maybe try and plan a big day out/ adventure every 2 weeks to break up the monotony.

At 7 months I'd be wanting to drop some of the night feeds, especially once she's eating more, that would give you a bigger chunk of sleep. But that's a personal choice.

Are you getting out much? Can you identify what you're missing at the moment?

At 6 months, we did maybe 1 baby class type activity each week (that was more than enough for me!) but we went out and did other stuff during the day - ideal time as baby was still immobile so happy strapped in a buggy/carrier watching the world go by. This time of year is ideal for things like garden centre trips (lots of Christmas lights and things out on display, bonus if it was a garden centre with a pet section). We went swimming, met up with friends, went to the library (our local one always has toys and things out for babies and toddlers), went to feed the ducks etc. it was rare we stayed at home all day.

go back to work and arrange childcare?

Has got to be some kind of weird reverse, surely. Your 6 month old sleeps for a 3 hour stretches, you share the night shift with DH even though you have 13 months mat leave and you have a cleaner? Get a slow cooker to complete your lap of luxury love. You don't have a single problem.

I think the fact that you refer to parenting as “childcare” suggests a little distance.

This is not a ‘shift’. This is life with small children. ‘Society simply expects these things from mothers’ - no, it’s not about society, it’s about having a child and bringing it up. Don’t use the language of the workplace.

Yes it can be drudgery at times, but you also get the good bits, seeing them develop and do new things, learning to communicate with you, growing into their own person. You don’t get those magical times without the drudgery (unless you outsource the latter with money of course). Enjoy your babies, accept the dull bits, and stop seeing it as a job you’re not being paid for. Take them out every day, give them time to learn to play on their own as well as with you, chat to them, and remember that in the grand scheme of things it’s a short time in your life.

Your baby sleeps a lot during the day and your DH takes her for a huge chunk of dedicated time every night?!

And if I'm reading it right, you have home help Five days a week?

You're far better off than the majority on Mat leave OP. I'm currently BFing DD 12 months, who wakes every hour or so. The most she naps for is 45 mins during the day. DH has never taken her at any point during the night (I wouldn't want him to, as she settles far better for me).

I think it's quite normal to feel like it's a slog and a chore at this point, especially when baby isn't as interactive.

Would it help to go to local baby groups, coffee meet ups, baby cinema etc. ?

I totally feel you when it comes to the evenings, as I find 4-7pm hard too. I find it helpful to switch it up. Some days we'll do a dog walk (less fun in the dark of winter), others we might do a food shop or see a friend. DD is usually happy enough to be in her sling when it's busy around her.

When we do have an evening at home it can drag. Baths fill the time nicely (my other DC is 5 so happy to join in), as do phone calls to my parents (who live abroad) or visits from the in laws.

If you can shift your mindset, it may help. This is your last ever mat leave! I know it's easy to say, but keep in mind:

This isn't something you HAVE to do, this is something you GET to do.

Assuming money isn't an issue - maybe looking into getting a part time nanny for a day a week or a couple of afternoons to give you some free time.

On the surface your situation sounds pretty good but if you are struggling then you are struggling.

and yet the society simply expects this kind of thing from mothers…

If find this rather odd... society?

It's your second DC, you knew how it worked.

Has absolutely nothing do with what society experts, if anything society would probably wonder why you did have a second if you think that way.

Is this a joke?

🤦‍♀️

If you’re not enjoying it, going back to work earlier and arranging paid childcare is always an option. What you’re describing isn’t a childcare shift, it’s parenting, but that’s not to say it isn’t hard and relentless. But there are options available to you.

To be honest, you have a decent amount of help and sleep. Are you just a bit bored?

Is this a wind-up?

Your dh must be exhausted - he gets up every time the baby needs a feed in the night and then has to go to work for a 12 hour day? Takes baby as soon as he comes home and for long stretches at the weekend. You have people in doing cleaning and laundry every day even though your baby is napping for 3 hours a day?

Honestly, I know having babies is tiring and mundane a lot of the time but it sounds like you have it pretty good to me. I’d find a few more daytime activities to do with your dd as it sounds like you're mostly just in the house waiting for her to nap! By that age we were doing a music class, baby sensory and we started swimming at 6 months too. I think you’re bored because you’re not doing enough rather than because you’re doing too much.

Of topic but you have cleaners every day Monday to Friday?!

Parenting is tough, it's not really childcare when it's your own children, but honestly I think you've got an extremely good deal currently. One child at school, you don't need to do chores in the day so can catch up on sleep or have breaks when the baby naps, a large chunk of uninterrupted sleep at night.

What else do you think you should have?

If you're bored then that's fine but I don't think lack of any breaks is the problem here given the above! Most people on maternity leave are looking after their babies a lot of the time, that's sort of the point.

That's not a childcare shift, that is just being at home with your baby, and one older child when she's not out at school.

I'm thinking it is an unfunny joke?