To get through 17hour childcare shifts. Tips?

[Luckystarss]

Hoping for some practical advice on getting through 17hrs childcare shifts (2am to 7pm) mon to fri please…

So I’m on maternity leave with my gorgeous DD, aged 6 months. This is our last child as we decided with DH our family is now complete, we also have DS aged 7. I’m in my late thirties.
Whilst there are so many amazing moments with DD - her giggles, her beautiful smile, her play etc- there are so many mundane childcare hours and I find myself feeling so overwhelmed and tired especially going towards the end of the week... I know others have probably more difficult situations but hoping for some practical tips to ease these long hours…
I have 7 months of mat leave left and I would like to enjoy it…

We don’t have family close by.

So the set up is this:

DH and I are doing shifts in looking after DD, DH sleeps in guest room and has DD there for part of the night.
DH is out of the house 7am to 7pm Monday to Friday for work. As soon as he gets home, quick change of clothes tea and he takes DD, say 7.15ish.

My typical day (Monday to Friday):
2am ish DH brings DD for a feed (I’m bfeeding)
Sometimes she stays asleep while eating some times she is awake for 2hrs and I need to put her to sleep again
Perhaps I get few hours of sleep then
Around 5ish - breastfeeding again
6am get up, breakfast , play
9am morning snooze about 1 hour
Feed play outside if the weather is good
Lunch
Afternoon snooze 2hrs
Play feed
Go to pick up DS from school
4-7pm (most challenging part of he day) : getting dinner sorted, while managing DD and answering various questions by DS, sometimes he plays with DD which helps me focus on dinner (most of the times it’s something quick - like stir fry, oven baked chicken thighs with steamed frozen veg, pasta pizza and similar)
DH gets in 7 takes DD, I tidy up kitchen a bit, give dinner to DH, make tea.
Then 7.30-8 me time for quick shower foot massage (machine), meditation and 8ish a cuddle with DS before his bedtime.
8pm-2am sleep (sometimes at 11pm DD needs a feed, if so DH brings her in for feeding and takes her back once finished). Brings her back circa 2am and so the cycle repeats until 7pm…

DH takes DS to school each morning, he also pays for cleaners (we have them Monday to Friday- they tidy, clean, do laundry) and he also looks DD over the weekend more unless there are some household stuff to sort out - such as sorting out broken locks, sink, etc

I feel this is so relentless- day in day out, yes I got through it before with DS (albeit I was younger) and DD was very much planned and we are lucky to have her. Yet I would love to enjoy these remaining 7 months more, rather than just keeping an eye on the clock waiting for my break…

Also I was thinking to myself if you approach nanny or a nursery setting with 17hrs childcare request- there is no way they would do it (without a break) and yet the society simply expects this kind of thing from mothers…

Thank you for reading

Does she still really need that 2am feed? And why is it taking so long for her to go back down? She needs to learn to self settle, put her back down awake.

I suspect your days will feed loads longer if you’re still doing night feeds, especially as you’ll be more tired!!!

Drop the 2am feed for a start. My kids were sleeping through before then - bed at 7.30ish and awake from 5.30-6ish for son 7ish for DD.
Have baby in own room now.
The rest is just what it is.

I spent school hours out with my baby/pre nursery toddler. We went places, that were mostly amusing for me, but done at her pace. So naps were in the buggy whilst walking, she learnt the art of drinking a babycino and behaving in cafes, visiting galleries, visiting green grocers etc . I walked miles and miles visiting natural and urban places that I wouldn’t otherwise have time for. Often doing routine activities but in different places.
we also went to play groups from 18months, but mostly I spent 0-2.5yo chatting with her whilst I walked.

the more you go out the less daunting it is.

I was also mentally unwell, and could not be at home without getting totally overwhelmed .but found gentle interactions with others in cafes, or having new things to look at and chat to my kid about helped me stay in the present. And I found this nourishing time .

I think you need to reframe it as 'parenting'. It's normal and the deal you sign up to when you decide to have DC.

And yes I agree it sounds like you just aren't really doing anything. I'd be bored too. I had 3yo and newborn at home for several days a week and we were out every day doing activities to break up the day. Even now DD1 is at school, I take DD2 to something pretty much every day it's just the two of us, just to get out of the house, have some structure, talk to other people, etc. I'd go mad sitting at home all day.

Sounds a bit like you're in a gilded cage.

You have lots of things to be thankful for, but when you're in a rut it can be hard to see it.

Can you get out more? I have a FB friend on mat leave and she's always off up mountains with baby in a sling, or jetting off for a city break with baby.

TBH I'm only jealous because my mat leave was 2020.

Go to your GP and get checked for post natal depression.
You have a lot of help, your DH must be knackered.
You should be enjoying this time.

When DD was little we were fortunate enough to have SureStart centres so went to a group every morning, home for lunch, another group or walk in the afternoon, dinner on if not already in the slow cooker and then quiet activities whilst I nipped round and did any housework bits that need doing.

It looks like you are spending most of the day indoors when actually baby is really portable, I'd look after local activities and make a list that involves getting out around people everyday. Admittedly without SureStart centres most groups aren't free but it doesn't sound like you are struggling financially anyway.

• Visit to the library for Bounce and Rhyme
• Swimming - a proper mum and toddler session or a free swim one
• Parent and baby cinema showing
• Parent and baby group at the theatre
• Parent and baby session at the local museums

That's one thing a day available in my local area without looking at Baby Signing, church run groups, Messy Play sessions etc and other things you could do like season ticket to the zoo or just walking around museums or arg gallery's for your own benefit. The things you do don't need to be baby focussed.

It's not a shift, you're just a parent. You're also not up for the day and 'on shift' at 2am so it's not a '17 hour shift'. You'd get more sympathy if you asked for advice on having 2 kids and a partner who works long hours (although sounds like he pulls his weight) but to be honest if you have daily cleaners I'm not really sure what you're complaining about?

This is possibly the least empathetic response I have ever seen.

Do you have children? Do you not remember the drudgery of it? It’s mentally exhausting.

As for the night feeds! So he should bloody help. She’s not sat at home filing her nails and watching Netflix. She’s looking after a demanding 6 month old (and 7year old around school hours). Should she be the only one permanently exhausted and his nights untouched as he’s doing the important man job? Bloody hell

I get it OP. I found life with babies relentless and exhausting and struggled with being on call a lot of the time. I coped by planning outings and things to look forward to and having a routine which involved getting out of the house to do something every day whether that was a baby group, library, or a cafe. It would also give me the chance to talk to other adults. But I often felt very very lonely. Those days are past me now, and they will pass, and yes soak up all the baby moments but no it's not forever and it is actually ok to feel the way you do. Motherhood isn't a competition in terms of who has it better or worse, we should be supporting mothers with whatever they are finding challenging (this comment aimed at the less supportive responses on this thread)

And I certainly experienced it as a shift until DH came home. I found it a lot harder than a shift at work that's for sure.

I think shifts for the nights can work well, but here it seems like you are trading off any family time together for being able to sleep 8-2am (6hr stretch) plus potentially a few more hours between 2 and 5 then presumably another hour 5-6. Whilst broken, this is actually a great amount of sleep for you. Then 3hrs of naps in the day. At this age, for some perspective, my little one was waking every 1-2hrs, I was doing all the night wakes due to BF. Dad would take him for 30mins 6-6.30, then I would have him all day until 5.30pm ish when we would do everything together (dinner, play, bath etc). Occasionally I would catch an earlier night but 9/.930 would usually be OK. They were in their own room at 6/7m which worked for us but appreciate may not be for everyone. I managed on 6hrs max of broken sleep and we enjoyed baby groups or dog walks in the day. Husband started doing every other night wake around 7m, not long before baby started only waking twice anyway so I would still just feed those 2 times. It's a long day until 7pm for sure, but referring to it as a 17hr shift when that is just how parenting is may make you feel worse. A lot of that is also sleeping. I found myself clock watching sometimes but I really miss mat leave now I'm having to balance full time work

Thought this was going to be from the point of view of a nanny or childcare worker on a shift.

Op, I get it. The days are long. My son didn't nap much and I was also breast feeding. I was single from early pregnancy so it was just me. However, it meant that decisions were mine, no disagreements on how to do things etc! Baby groups and activities were a godsend.

Surprised by these responses! Life with a small baby is relentless and exhausting and it's totally legitimate to find it that way, irrespective of whether you have another child or not.

I totally understand how you feel OP. There's no solution, no quick fix, and sadly no 'village' who can step in to help in today's society.

Remind yourself that you're in the most difficult bit, and as baby starts crawling and moving life will feel a bit easier and new things to do will open up in the day. I found it game changing being able to take my DD to baby soft play twice a week!

It will get a little easier as the months go on :-)

It's really normal for 6 months olds to wake and feed in the night and night waking often increases in the second half of the first year. My five year old still wakes a few nights a week.

Tips? Stop thinking of it as childcare, and think of it as what it is - parenting..

You are a mum at home with her child, you are not providing childcare. That is something you outsource. You are a parent, act like one.

@Luckystarss I frankly am gobsmacked at your routine with your poor husband who seems to be working on very little sleep! every mother has managed for centuries so why cant you??? what is the point of both of you being wakened up at 2am???? that is ridiculous!

I wonder if you are putting too much pressure on yourself in the sense that you talk about playing and things with your little girl - 5 month olds don't need a lot of play. They can experience the world well just being around you and following you. You don't need to worry too much about structured play.

Having said that, I used to have a year pass for a local zoo and would wander around there a lot when mine were little. Similarly a local park. But I would do things I wanted to do for me too. Just go for a coffee for a change of scenery for example. I wonder if you are overthinking what you feel you should be doing, when really you don't need to be doing too much at all.

Sounds pretty standard, it’s parenting not childcare. What do you mean DH brings her to you, why isn’t she in bed? Sounds like what you do in the newborn stages but why is it still so chaotic?

I’ve read it again and even more confused, no a childcare setting wouldn’t do a 17hr shift but these are your children? Do you and your husband share a bed? You sound like you get a lovely amount of sleep and your days sound a lot more chilled then a lot of peoples

DH went out to work an overtime shift at 7:30am he'll be back around 5pm and it's going out for the evening around 6:30pm. I'll go to bed before he gets home. DS is with me today, I wouldn't describe it as a childcare shift! He's my child not my job.

Before there's a pile on, I was out yesterday from noon until 9ish, DH did pick up, swimming lesson, dinner and bed time. It's just that time of year when we have busier social schedules than usual.

Sounds fine to me, plan activities you’d like to do or go back to work sooner. Live more in the moment if you can and stop overthinking.

Indeed. I did a 132 hour “childcare shift” every week for the first 18 months of DD’s life.

I couldn’t guarantee a shower or an hot meal everyday, never mind a foot massage and meditation!